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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To agree to a reduction in child maintenance

124 replies

WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 10:27

ExH has told me that his DM is dying. She has around 3 months Sad. He’s asked if he can stop paying maintenance for 3 months so he can pay for the funeral. We have 3 dc and I live with my DH. We are comfortable but not rich and it will be difficult managing without the £1200 I would lose over 3 months, particularly as the kids go back to school and need new uniforms etc. I do have some savings, but they are in an ISA and I would be financially penalised for taking money out. I initially said yes as I feel terrible about his DM and it feels heartless to insist he pays maintenance. I have asked if he could pay half for a few months instead and then catch up later. Does this sound reasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 10:37

I am a little worried because he has a history of gambling but has paid maintenance consistently in the past. I don’t want him to start to see it as optional if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 10:53

Just bumping this as I would appreciate any thoughts. I’m not sure if what is reasonable here.

OP posts:
Aalvarino · 28/02/2021 10:56

Given his history I wonder if there is any way you could keep him paying maintenance and pay for the funeral costs yourself.

beckyyl · 28/02/2021 10:57

I would let him he must be going through an incredibly hard time right now and funerals are not cheap. We all need a little help every now and again

MojoJojo71 · 28/02/2021 11:04

This may sound heartless but she is his DM not yours and he’s essentially asking you to pay for her funeral. I’m sorry that he’s about to lose his mother, I really am (my own is in hospital as we speak so I do feel for him) but her funeral costs are not your responsibility.

Jaxhog · 28/02/2021 11:08

I think your suggestion is more than fair. Otherwise, you'd be paying for his DM's funeral, not him.

Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 11:08

I suppose as my DH put it, I can’t not feed my children for three months because of this - so maintenance isn’t really optional.

I have suggested he pays half and then makes it up later. He should be getting an inheritance and able to make it up.

I don’t want to pay for the funeral costs and still receive maintenance because I will then have no recourse to go to CMS if he doesn’t pay it back.

OP posts:
Laureline · 28/02/2021 11:10

There are 3 living children who need to be clothed and fed.

Ffsffsffsffsffs · 28/02/2021 11:13

If there is to be an inheritance then I would say he needs to keep paying CMS at usual rate.

Funeral costs are one of the very few things that can be paid out of a deceased person's account without any fuss (eg wills, probate etc), cheques can be drawn to be paid straight to the funeral director. £1200 actually doesn't come close to the cost of a funeral anyway...

Don't end up paying for a funeral that is not your responsibility.

Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 11:13

It does make me feel uncomfortable really. I wish he hadn’t asked tbh. His mum is a saver and I’m sure she has money aside that would cover this.

OP posts:
MarcelineMissouri · 28/02/2021 11:14

This from a pp.

This may sound heartless but she is his DM not yours and he’s essentially asking you to pay for her funeral.

Is he even suggesting that he would make it up afterwards? Otherwise it’s exactly as above - he wouldn’t be paying for the funeral, you would.

I think offering half as you have done is not necessary but more than fair. If he doesn’t have the money then he needs to make cutbacks elsewhere.

Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 11:16

He has said he would make it up afterwards, but that will still leave us having to make cutbacks in the meantime. He mentioned that I had recently bought a summerhouse as evidence that I would be ok without the maintenance for a few months.

OP posts:
NeedToGetOuttaHere · 28/02/2021 11:17

I wouldn’t agree, the funeral can be either paid for out of her estate or if there is no estate the state will pay towards a very simple funeral.

glassshoes · 28/02/2021 11:17

He is in a difficult situation but is essentially asking you to pay for his mother's funeral. It sounds from what you have said they his mum would have money saved that could be used for this.

The needs of his children don't go away because his mum has sadly died. I would worry that if you ask him to pay you back that this will also set a precedence.

NeedToGetOuttaHere · 28/02/2021 11:19

I just read that there will be an inheritance so then I’d say no. The funeral can be paid from the estate. Places like the Coop offer schemes where the pay them back when the estate is sorted.
Your child’s maintenance and his DM’s funeral aren’t linked.

Singlebutmarried · 28/02/2021 11:19

If there’s money in the estate the funeral costs will come from this. If his DM has savings they can be accessed.

He doesn’t need to spend a penny of his own money unless he wants to

angieloumc · 28/02/2021 11:22

Yes it is very difficult for him, my own mum died recently so I understand he must be having a hard time. However, as pp said, and as in my case, there will be an inheritance and possibly a funeral plan of some sort.
I would say no, and him mentioning your summerhouse would just wind me personally up, it's nothing to do with him what you spend your money on. I've seen you've told him you'll accept half and he's to catch up later, very generous of you.

EnoughnowIthink · 28/02/2021 11:22

I wouldn’t agree to it, OP. I know that’s harsh given the circumstances but your children are a priority. You’re basically going to end up making a £1200 contribution to the funeral.

needadvice54321 · 28/02/2021 11:22

@Ffsffsffsffsffs

If there is to be an inheritance then I would say he needs to keep paying CMS at usual rate.

Funeral costs are one of the very few things that can be paid out of a deceased person's account without any fuss (eg wills, probate etc), cheques can be drawn to be paid straight to the funeral director. £1200 actually doesn't come close to the cost of a funeral anyway...

Don't end up paying for a funeral that is not your responsibility.

I agree with this

If his mum has savings then the inheritance will cover the funeral? I'm hoping he just doesn't realise this and isn't trying it on with you OP

billy1966 · 28/02/2021 11:25

@NeedToGetOuttaHere

I wouldn’t agree, the funeral can be either paid for out of her estate or if there is no estate the state will pay towards a very simple funeral.
This.

His children are NOT an optional expense.

He needs to pay maintenance on time.

Go back to him and tell him the above.

He needs to pay maintenance, you are not an optional.
Flowers

PanamaPattie · 28/02/2021 11:32

Say no. He is taking the piss and is heartless enough to use his dying mother as an excuse not to pay for his children. You don’t even know if it’s true. You’ve only got his word for it.

needadvice54321 · 28/02/2021 11:32

Totally agree @billy1966 !

Last year DS turned 17 and his Dad wanted to give him money for driving lessons - sounds lovely but to fund the money he didn't pay maintenance for a few weeks (without asking me!!), so in effect I paid for his birthday present for his son! He often does stuff like this - maintenance becomes a rare thing around Christmas too.. Hmm, I believe he doesn't see maintenance as something he has to do, just a nice thing to do!

Stand your ground OP, I understand he must be feeling very upset at the moment but your children shouldn't be being short changed in the meantime x

Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 11:33

I do know his mother is dying. He’s asked if I want to see her in hospital as they have relaxed the rules for her in the final stages.

OP posts:
AOwlAOwlAOwl · 28/02/2021 11:35

Agree with others that funerals are often paid for out of the estate. That's what I did for my mum.

I think your suggestion of half is extremely generous in the circumstances. You also need a plan to make up the shortfall.

BigPaperBag · 28/02/2021 11:38

@Aalvarino

Given his history I wonder if there is any way you could keep him paying maintenance and pay for the funeral costs yourself.
Why should she?