Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To agree to a reduction in child maintenance

124 replies

WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 10:27

ExH has told me that his DM is dying. She has around 3 months Sad. He’s asked if he can stop paying maintenance for 3 months so he can pay for the funeral. We have 3 dc and I live with my DH. We are comfortable but not rich and it will be difficult managing without the £1200 I would lose over 3 months, particularly as the kids go back to school and need new uniforms etc. I do have some savings, but they are in an ISA and I would be financially penalised for taking money out. I initially said yes as I feel terrible about his DM and it feels heartless to insist he pays maintenance. I have asked if he could pay half for a few months instead and then catch up later. Does this sound reasonable?

OP posts:
Whammyyammy · 28/02/2021 12:06

As sad as it is for him, technically he is getting you to indirectly contribute to his DM funeral.
If you're ok with that then agree, if not tell him so.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/02/2021 12:12

Good for you for sending the message. The “if possible” gives him unnecessary wriggle room so hold firm and don’t let him put you on the spot if you have another phone call.

He’s asking you, your husband and your stared children to pay for something he doesn’t even need to front by himself. He’s got quite a nerve even asking.

My DH has children with his ex, there is no way on Earth that any expense we had would mean he’d stop paying child support. His children deserve that contribution from our household and it wouldn’t cross his mind to ask his ex to go without because of one of our family members. Outrageous.

Winniewonka · 28/02/2021 12:18

Obviously it's up to you whether you decide to lend him the money. Get it in writing if you do and if he involves solicitors to deal with his mother's estate you should be able to claim from it.
I suspect he wants the money as a deposit for her funeral. I can't answer for all funeral companies but I was quite shocked that the ones I used when my mum passed away a few years ago, asked for over 1K deposit on an approx amount of 4K.

Wroxie · 28/02/2021 12:20

If you can afford it, agree to pay bills related to the funeral upon receipt of said bill (not on his word). Pay the bill directly to the person its owed - don't give him the money. And then agree a plan for him to pay it back once the estate is settled. Get it in writing.

Don't let him pay one penny less in maintenance and don't let one penny of the money you are helping him with pass through his hands.

If he doesn't agree to this, then it's obvious the money isn't really needed for funeral expenses, is it?

minniemoocher · 28/02/2021 12:24

Funerals are paid from the estate so he has no need to worry on that front

PurpleBiro21 · 28/02/2021 12:25

I see OP. He is taking the piss.

I wouldn’t say ‘we can discuss it later’.

There is nothing to discuss. I’m not unsympathetic to his plight but presumably he wouldn’t consider not paying his rent/mortgage instead so why CM? It’s is not an optional extra.

Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 12:26

He’s said ok, if he has to pay he can borrow from friends. I feel bad but I didn’t feel comfortable with cutting maintenance. He said I’m his biggest expense after rent.

OP posts:
KRoo22 · 28/02/2021 12:27

Another one echoing that funeral costs are one of the few things that can be paid direct from estate, no need to wait for probate or a house sale. Funeral directors will be quite used to waiting a few weeks too. Therefore his reason for stopping or reducing CMS is flawed so answer is no.

ImaginaryCat · 28/02/2021 12:33

No, he doesn't need to borrow from friends. Unless his mother is destitute, the funeral gets paid out of the estate. The fact he mentioned borrowing from friends makes me think he's still trying to guilt trip you into agreeing.
Tell him he doesn't need to borrow anything, the funeral home sets up an account, everything's done on credit and then the invoice is settled upon release of inheritance.
If probate proves really complex, the funeral home might start chasing. But I made my mother's funeral director wait 6 months for their money, because I had nothing with which to pay it in the meantime.

Phineyj · 28/02/2021 12:33

Would his DM even want him to do this? It'd be awful to know your grandkids would be going short for this reason Sad.

Wroxie · 28/02/2021 12:33

@WhoisRebecca

He’s said ok, if he has to pay he can borrow from friends. I feel bad but I didn’t feel comfortable with cutting maintenance. He said I’m his biggest expense after rent.
YOU are not an "expense" - it's his children he's paying to support. And they aren't an expense in the same way that rent is. He should he happy to pay for his share of their support and it should be the very last thing he looks to avoid or mitigate if he's having money issues. I love my parents but I'd leave their bodies unclaimed if the alternative was to take food out of their grandchildren's mouth to pay for funeral expenses (and they would of course be the first to agree to this).

The fact that he doesn't see it this way is a worry. Your poor kids.

MuddleMoo · 28/02/2021 12:34

@WhoisRebecca

He’s said ok, if he has to pay he can borrow from friends. I feel bad but I didn’t feel comfortable with cutting maintenance. He said I’m his biggest expense after rent.
Well no, you're not, his Children are!
Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 12:37

I think he sees it as us being comfortably off because we have a nice house. But that is the kids’ home and we don’t have loads of disposable income after the mortgage is paid. DH has two dc of his own that he pays for, so it is my ex’s responsibility to pay for his dc. I’m trying to put a bit aside for their future as well.

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 28/02/2021 12:38

Is he self-employed and planning to take off to spend with her? I feel it's the children's grandmother, so you need to look at the full picture.

Mix56 · 28/02/2021 12:38

You are not his biggest expense, it is food & clothing for DC, keeping a roof over their heads...
Your summer house is none if his business & you saved up for it, & the children profit by playing in it.
His brother & he will have access to her bank account for money for expenses
Tell him your current partner is not responsable for covering all costs for his "living" children

PanamaPattie · 28/02/2021 12:40

It doesn’t matter if you are a millionaire living in a mansion - he still needs to pay.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 28/02/2021 12:41

As sad as it is to lose his mum, it's really never a good idea to agree to child maintenance reduction. It's not your problem. If they loved with him full time presumably he wouldn't stop buying food to feed them with to pay for the funeral. He will have to find another way

JesusAteMyHamster · 28/02/2021 12:41

£1200 a month is extremely high. I'm not surprised he's struggling to do both.

I'd allow it and cut back for the next few months........it can't cost £2400 a month to raise 3 kids. We run an entire household on not much more than that !

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 28/02/2021 12:42

@JesusAteMyHamster he doesn't pay £1200 a month he pays £400 a month. The £1200 is how much she would lose out in in total

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 28/02/2021 12:43

@WhoisRebecca

He’s said ok, if he has to pay he can borrow from friends. I feel bad but I didn’t feel comfortable with cutting maintenance. He said I’m his biggest expense after rent.
What does he have to borrow from friends for? The funeral doesn't need paging before she dies and it will surely come out of her estate? Is she a home owner?

Is he usually manipulative?

Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 12:45

He’s not self employed and taking time off to spend with her. She’s in hospital and he’s allowed an hour a day to see her. He’s employed. He was her carer, but worked from home.
Yes it is 400 a month he pays, which I don’t think is a huge amount for 3 kids tbh.

OP posts:
Brakebackcyclebot · 28/02/2021 12:46

It's not £1200 a month. It*s £1200 over 3 months, so £400 a month.

OP, no. Don't agree. Funeral expenses will be paid for from the estate, from his mother's funds.

I’m his biggest expense after rent. Just no. These are his children, it goes towards food, clothes, housing etc for them.

I wish more of those paying maintenance understood this. It is a gesture towards the income that would have been coming in had you not divorced. It is not "money for you".

RickiTarr · 28/02/2021 12:46

I suppose as my DH put it, I can’t not feed my children for three months because of this - so maintenance isn’t really optional.

Regardless of what is decided or why, I would be absolutely furious if my DH had ever said anything like that in relation to my older DC (his DSC).

Don’t your DC have at least three adults in their lives to feed them? Why does your DH feel he doesn’t share that responsibility?

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 28/02/2021 12:46

Also re "you" being the biggest expense - if, God forbid, anything happened to you and he became the full time carer of 3 kids, it would cost him a hell of a lot more than £400 a month (or even double that at £800 a month) to clothe them, feed them, send them to activities, school dinners, school uniforms, holidays etc. He should count himself lucky he has 3 kids on the cheap

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 28/02/2021 12:48

@WhoisRebecca

He has said he would make it up afterwards, but that will still leave us having to make cutbacks in the meantime. He mentioned that I had recently bought a summerhouse as evidence that I would be ok without the maintenance for a few months.
Did he just. Then it would be a definite no he can pay for the funeral from his estate or speak to his mother now, if she's a saver, she's probably put money aside for her funeral.
Swipe left for the next trending thread