To agree to a reduction in child maintenance

[WhoisRebecca]

ExH has told me that his DM is dying. She has around 3 months . He’s asked if he can stop paying maintenance for 3 months so he can pay for the funeral. We have 3 dc and I live with my DH. We are comfortable but not rich and it will be difficult managing without the £1200 I would lose over 3 months, particularly as the kids go back to school and need new uniforms etc. I do have some savings, but they are in an ISA and I would be financially penalised for taking money out. I initially said yes as I feel terrible about his DM and it feels heartless to insist he pays maintenance. I have asked if he could pay half for a few months instead and then catch up later. Does this sound reasonable?

This is MN, of course people have suggested the OP pay 🤣🤣 anyone remember when a poster was told, when pondering if she should sell the house she inherited that had a living tenant in, that she should simply give the house to the tenant, for free 😂😂

@WhoisRebecca

He’s said ok, if he has to pay he can borrow from friends. I feel bad but I didn’t feel comfortable with cutting maintenance. He said I’m his biggest expense after rent.

No shit Sherlock! Children are the second biggest expense after rent? Erm yep! He's got a bloody nerve hasn't he?!

Is it going to be just his responsibility to pay for his mum's funeral? Does he have siblings to share the costs / Does his mum not have any kind of funeral plan or estate that the funeral could be paid out of ? If so then your ex could maybe put it on credit until the estate is sorted? I would be asking these questions before agreeing to reduce maintenance.

OP you have absolutely done the right thing in telling him No 🌺

You receive over a thousand pounds a month for three children from your ex.

Is your current husband not helping to pay for the family he’s now part of?

Personally I wouldn’t begrudge a man having to pay four thousand pounds for the funeral of his mother. Your husband can take up the slack temporarily surely?

@Nenevalleykayaker

You receive over a thousand pounds a month for three children from your ex.

Is your current husband not helping to pay for the family he’s now part of?

Personally I wouldn’t begrudge a man having to pay four thousand pounds for the funeral of his mother. Your husband can take up the slack temporarily surely?

Op says she is losing £1200 over 3 months so that presumably is £400 a month in CM.

@Nenevalleykayaker

You receive over a thousand pounds a month for three children from your ex.

Is your current husband not helping to pay for the family he’s now part of?

Personally I wouldn’t begrudge a man having to pay four thousand pounds for the funeral of his mother. Your husband can take up the slack temporarily surely?

Always saves you time to RTFT.

She gets £400 a month, he’s asking for 3 months off.

The new DH isn’t these DC’s father so it’s not his job to pay for them.

@Nenevalleykayaker no she doesn't she receives £400 a month for 3 kids. A pittance, really

I definitely do not r

Sorry, hit post too soon. I definitely do not receive over a thousand pounds a month. Ex DH is not that solvent.

New DH does support me and the kids, but that doesn’t negate their father’s duty to support them.

FFS if the OP won the lottery she'd still be entitled to maintenance. It's not calculated by how much the RP earns, it's calculated by how much the NRP earns

After paying maintenance for his own two dc, my new DH can’t also pay for three other dc as well. He earns less than I do and already contributes to the household.

Don't feel you have to justify what your DH does/pays whatever, it's irrelevant!

@Nenevalleykayaker

You receive over a thousand pounds a month for three children from your ex.

Is your current husband not helping to pay for the family he’s now part of?

Personally I wouldn’t begrudge a man having to pay four thousand pounds for the funeral of his mother. Your husband can take up the slack temporarily surely?

jesus christ read the THREAD

OP he’s taking the piss. She has a home that she owns outright. I suspect she would have money in current accounts or savings accounts as well. There could possibly be items like a car that could be sold quickly if need be. Lots of older people I know have a ‘funeral expenses’ policy as they tend to worry about funeral expenses.

She can’t drive so no car to sell, but she has lived very frugally. Shop at Morrisons for groceries once a week, but other than that she would spend very little. She had her pension from years working and her deceased husband’s pension as well. My ex would frequently borrow money from her, so he would have been her biggest expense. I would be surprised if she hadn’t put money away though. She has always been a saver and a planner. I’m really upset as well, she is a lovely lady and my dcs are going to be devastated.

@WhoisRebecca

She can’t drive so no car to sell, but she has lived very frugally. Shop at Morrisons for groceries once a week, but other than that she would spend very little. She had her pension from years working and her deceased husband’s pension as well. My ex would frequently borrow money from her, so he would have been her biggest expense. I would be surprised if she hadn’t put money away though. She has always been a saver and a planner. I’m really upset as well, she is a lovely lady and my dcs are going to be devastated.

I'm very sorry for your approaching loss. I think you are handling this really well. Firmly, but with sympathy and grace.

It isn’t your responsibility to pay for her funeral, even temporarily and I’m astonished he even asked! His children are his responsibility and of course he should keep paying maintenance for them!

@WhoisRebecca

Sorry, hit post too soon. I definitely do not receive over a thousand pounds a month. Ex DH is not that solvent.

New DH does support me and the kids, but that doesn’t negate their father’s duty to support them.

This 100%.

I appreciate that I sound heartless here but your ex has an obligation and responsibility to his children first and foremost.

I say this as someone who has lost their mum, had to initially pay for the funeral and still provide for my children.

Your ex needs to do what everyone else does. Either the estate pays or he gets a loan/credit card whilst it’s being sorted. He categorically does not stop providing for his children.

The fact that he is bringing up the purchase of your summerhouse makes me think that he is looking for any excuse to avoid paying maintenance and in a few month’s time something else will inevitably come up.

Why should you and the children have to tighten your belts to pay for his mother's funeral so that he doesn't have to. You are not being heartless here he is vv unreasonable to even ask you. I can see why he is your ex.

the funeral will come out of her estate, the funeral director billed us for my mums funeral but we paid it when the estate was settled.

Given there is an inheritance I would go back and say you discovered you can draw down funeral costs from the estate, so he needs to cover it that way and pay maintenance.

I’d have said no anyway to be honest - his 3 living kids take priority over his mother’s funeral.

I was the one who unwisely suggested you paying the bills. I take that back. Was not aware you could hold funeral bills till the estate paid. In that case I would not give him anything at all and would think very poorly of him for trying to manipulate you in this way.

Yes I think I’ve done the right thing. It’s horrible in the circumstances, but when I thought about it logically, it wouldn’t cover the cost anyway. He’s also told my dd he’s getting a PS5 for her birthday next week- so he’s not being wise with his money.