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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To agree to a reduction in child maintenance

124 replies

WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 10:27

ExH has told me that his DM is dying. She has around 3 months . He’s asked if he can stop paying maintenance for 3 months so he can pay for the funeral. We have 3 dc and I live with my DH. We are comfortable but not rich and it will be difficult managing without the £1200 I would lose over 3 months, particularly as the kids go back to school and need new uniforms etc. I do have some savings, but they are in an ISA and I would be financially penalised for taking money out. I initially said yes as I feel terrible about his DM and it feels heartless to insist he pays maintenance. I have asked if he could pay half for a few months instead and then catch up later. Does this sound reasonable?

OP posts:

LouHotel · 28/02/2021 11:38

If there's an estate I think he's using his mother as an excuse not to pay. It's actually really callous of him that he's event thought to do that.

MuddleMoo · 28/02/2021 11:38

If it was for a car would you still do it? I know there's emotions involved but I can't believe he asked you to pay for his mums funeral basically!

Your solution seems more than fair, and I hope he sticks to paying you back the extra.

MuddleMoo · 28/02/2021 11:39

@Aalvarino

Given his history I wonder if there is any way you could keep him paying maintenance and pay for the funeral costs yourself.

This is ridiculous.

Original poster

WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 11:40

If he doesn’t stick to paying back the extra I’ll go through CMS.
He rang me last night and sprung this on me when I had had a couple of glasses of wine and put me on the spot.
I left him over money issues (he can’t be trusted with it) and I don’t want to be dragged there again.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 11:43

My other worry is that he won’t actually save the money he’s not paying to me for the funeral. He has a brother as well, but he’s on minimum wage.

OP posts:

PanamaPattie · 28/02/2021 11:43

I’m sorry that it appears to be true - but still say no. £1200 won’t pay for a funeral. He could string you along for months - asking for more time to save. His mother’s final expenses are not his problem and most importantly not yours.

titchy · 28/02/2021 11:46

Gosh no. Just text him back and say 'Now that I've had time to think about your proposal I've realised it's both unfair and unnecessary. The children still need feeding and we will struggle with reduced maintenance. I have also looked into it and found that funeral costs do not need to be paid upfront - they come from the estate not from family accounts so you won't be left short. Hope that's ok and brings you some peace of mind.'

SillyOldMummy · 28/02/2021 11:47

The guy is probably talking is nonsense. Funeral costs can be paid out of the deceased's estate. If she has savings. He doesnt need to wait for his inheritance, the bank will release funds to the Funeral home.

I suspect that once he stops paying, or pays less, he will come back again and again with excuses about why he can't catch up, why he needs to pay less.

I would be very reluctant to let him get away with this.

Purplewithred · 28/02/2021 11:47

He's put you in a horrible situation and I suspect he's trying it on.

His DMs funeral will be paid for out of her estate: he must know this. If he doesn't then you can tell him. If he 'wants' to pay for her funeral himself then that's money he should find from somewhere else, not from his children.

MuddleMoo · 28/02/2021 11:49

@titchy

Yeah I'd go with something like this. His children still need to eat!

MuddleMoo · 28/02/2021 11:50

Not saying they won't, but they still cost money even if he had other things he wants to spend his money on

loopyapp · 28/02/2021 11:52

If you otherwise have a good relationship inwould avoud spoiling that.

He is likely very vulnerable and not emotionally at his best and your refusal to his request may well damage your co-parenting relationship going forward.

Sit down with him and work up a repayment plan that is put in writing and you both sign it.

Perhaps he could agree to half the usual payments or to buy the needed uniforms etc in the mean time.

Just try to consider haggling for the means to pay for your terminally ill mother with someone you have to spend another decade or so getting on with.

Ileflottante · 28/02/2021 11:52

@MojoJojo71

This may sound heartless but she is his DM not yours and he’s essentially asking you to pay for her funeral. I’m sorry that he’s about to lose his mother, I really am (my own is in hospital as we speak so I do feel for him) but her funeral costs are not your responsibility.

Well, he’s asking his kids to pay for his mother’s funeral. That’s not right. He must share that burden with his other family members, not expect your children to shoulder that. I know it sounds harsh but no, I don’t think he should stop paying.

shouldistop · 28/02/2021 11:52

I think he's at it. If his DM has money to leave then the funeral costs can come out of her estate. Why should your children pay for it?

MuddleMoo · 28/02/2021 11:53

He could get a loan from the bank

Original poster

WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 11:54

I’ve sent this.
I’ve just looked into it and funeral costs can be paid from the estate not from family accounts- that’s usually how they are paid. The amount you would save in maintenance wouldn’t actually cover the funeral anyway. I would prefer to keep maintenance as normal if possible as the kids still need food and clothes. I hope that helps - you shouldn’t need to cover the costs yourself at all. Give me a call later to discuss it when you are free. What time shall I collect X?

OP posts:

Original poster

WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 11:54

He can’t get a loan because his credit rating is awful.

OP posts:

PurpleBiro21 · 28/02/2021 11:55

He must be earning a huge amount if CM is 1200 pm? Isn’t it 15% of earnings? Or is the 1200 the total amount you’d lose?

Can he not make savings elsewhere?

I’m sympathetic to the loss of his mother it must be hard. But she hasn’t even died yet and it sounds like his first option is to stop contributing towards his children?

Original poster

WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 11:56

No it’s 400 pm. He was asking to not pay for 3 months.

OP posts:

ItsJackieWeaverBitch · 28/02/2021 11:56

You’re being more than fair OP. It is very sad his mother is dying, however, your children still need feeding and clothing and everything else in that time. I wouldn’t have agreed to that at all but my ex is chronically untruthful so I simply wouldn’t have believed him at all.

Just want to point something else out: his mother might be gone before 3 months from now. Or she might linger for longer than 3 months. I know plenty of people who were terminally ill or even on end of life palliative care only who lived longer than expected. Are you going to let him extend this for longer than the initial 3 months? Not because the funeral would cost more but you might find he takes the piss.

shouldistop · 28/02/2021 11:56

Well done for sending the message op. With his history I think you do need to send the message that providing for his children is not optional.

Original poster

WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 11:56

That’s my worry. I feel very uncomfortable that he’s asked this.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 12:00

He hasn’t replied yet but hopefully he will.

OP posts:

MuddleMoo · 28/02/2021 12:02

Your message sounds good, sends the right message.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 28/02/2021 12:05

I’d say no. Maintenance is a priority. He can work out what is affordable once he’s paid that.

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