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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To agree to a reduction in child maintenance

124 replies

WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 10:27

ExH has told me that his DM is dying. She has around 3 months Sad. He’s asked if he can stop paying maintenance for 3 months so he can pay for the funeral. We have 3 dc and I live with my DH. We are comfortable but not rich and it will be difficult managing without the £1200 I would lose over 3 months, particularly as the kids go back to school and need new uniforms etc. I do have some savings, but they are in an ISA and I would be financially penalised for taking money out. I initially said yes as I feel terrible about his DM and it feels heartless to insist he pays maintenance. I have asked if he could pay half for a few months instead and then catch up later. Does this sound reasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 12:49

@RickiTarr I don’t think DH meant it like that. He pays maintenance for his two dc and it would leave us all a bit short if I was covering my ex’s share as well. I don’t see maintenance for his dc as my responsibility either. He cooks the meals for the whole family and he absolutely does chip in with us all, but it doesn’t mean their father shouldn’t continue to pay for them.

OP posts:
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 28/02/2021 12:50

OP is your exMIL a homeowner?

Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 12:50

She does have a house she owns outright.

OP posts:
Planty13 · 28/02/2021 12:52

That’s so awkward OP. He really shouldnt have asked. He essentially asking if his children will pay towards the funeral? He needs to make cutbacks elsewhere, not taking money from his kids meant for essentials! I would just say you feel for him but you don’t think it is appropriate to take money from his children.

RickiTarr · 28/02/2021 12:52

Maybe you should come and it all from the opposite end and talk to him about the general issue of funding his DM’s funeral, rather than starting from the point that withholding CM is the answer.

Is he sure she doesn’t have funeral savings or similar? What kind of arrangements do local funeral directors offer for those waiting for probate?

Is it because of gambling that he doesn’t have savings?

It must be very distressing to think that you won’t be able to bury your dying mother (no matter how he has got into that situation) and maybe he has just suggested the only thing that occurred to him?

So maybe helping him problem solve and research the issue would help? I know he is a grown man but he might not be in the best place mentally.

PanamaPattie · 28/02/2021 12:53

I think there will be enough in the estate to pay for the funeral if his mother owns her home outright! He really is trying it on OP.

Palavah · 28/02/2021 12:53

@titchy

Gosh no. Just text him back and say 'Now that I've had time to think about your proposal I've realised it's both unfair and unnecessary. The children still need feeding and we will struggle with reduced maintenance. I have also looked into it and found that funeral costs do not need to be paid upfront - they come from the estate not from family accounts so you won't be left short. Hope that's ok and brings you some peace of mind.'
This. I would leave out the unfair bit, so you're not getting into an argument about that.

Play a bit dumb if needed 'oh, but you won't need to reduce CMS because you can pay for the funeral out of the estate, so that's one less thing to have to worry about'.

Don't get into whether or not you can or can't afford to feed and clothe your kids without his money.

RickiTarr · 28/02/2021 12:53

[quote WhoisRebecca]@RickiTarr I don’t think DH meant it like that. He pays maintenance for his two dc and it would leave us all a bit short if I was covering my ex’s share as well. I don’t see maintenance for his dc as my responsibility either. He cooks the meals for the whole family and he absolutely does chip in with us all, but it doesn’t mean their father shouldn’t continue to pay for them.[/quote]
Yeah but I suppose your ex is thinking “I can’t leave mum unburied for X months” so everyone involved has very quickly arrived at a place of highly emotional reactions.

Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 12:54

It will be because of gambling that he doesn’t have savings. I suspect he inherited a bit of money when his stepdad died six months ago and that’s all gone now.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 12:55

I have said I’ll help if he’s stuck but that it will come from her estate. I am not trying to be unsympathetic here.

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 28/02/2021 12:55

Giving his gambling history I would suspect he isn’t paying for the funeral at all but needs to pay debts.

Aprilx · 28/02/2021 12:55

@Aalvarino

Given his history I wonder if there is any way you could keep him paying maintenance and pay for the funeral costs yourself.
What on earth....? Confused. It is her ex’s mother...

OP he is trying it on. He doesn’t have to pay for this up front, it will come out of the estate. My relative’s funeral in September is still not paid for as the estate is not settled yet and it will come out of that.

Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 28/02/2021 12:57

I can’t pay for my ex MIL’s funeral. That would wipe out the small amount of savings I’ve put aside for the kids’ future.

OP posts:
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 28/02/2021 12:57

@WhoisRebecca

She does have a house she owns outright.
In that case the money for the funeral will come out of the estate. Presuming they'll sell the house - which they should if your exH is struggling to pay for his children.

OP, he's having you on. He does not need to pay for the funeral now or even shortly after she dies. Say no, he's using his mum's illness to pull a fast one

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 28/02/2021 12:58

And while we're on the subject, if in his eyes you're comfortable because you have a summer house, think how comfortable he will be when he gets half a free house to himself.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 28/02/2021 13:00

My dad died when I was in my mid-20's and had no savings. I was his next of kin and I didn't have to wait months to bury him at all. The funeral directors just sorted it and I paid them when the money from his estate came through

Notaroadrunner · 28/02/2021 13:02

Don't engage in further conversation about it. He's agreed to continue to pay, as he should, so leave it at that. He does not need to pay for his mothers funeral. Her estate pays. Maybe he didn't realise that or maybe he just messing you around now. By saying he'll borrow from friends if necessary is bull. You've told him the bill can be paid from her estate so there's no need for him to borrow from anyone.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 28/02/2021 13:03

He will know fine well the money can be paid from the estate. Most people surely know this and if not Google will tell you on the first result. Absolutely shameful that he's using his mother's impending death to play on your emotions so he stop putting food on the table for his kids

PurpleBiro21 · 28/02/2021 13:04

Better he borrow from his friends than borrow from his children?

haggisandmarsbar · 28/02/2021 13:07

I wouldn't. We were told that several times about my grandmother and she lived for another 20 years.

BigSkyLife · 28/02/2021 13:07

The bank will pay for the funeral from her account after the event. He will need to take in a copy of the death certificate, the invoice and ID.

foxhat · 28/02/2021 13:09

When my mum died we were unable to access any of her money before the funeral bills started rolling in. We had to borrow to pay the bills though were able to recoup it from her estate. Luckily we had a relative who had some easy to access savings who could help out and did not charge interest. It was only a matter of a couple of weeks but we would still have been stuck. That said, your OH will have to fund another way to fill this gap as I think nothing is more important than his maintenance payment.

haggisandmarsbar · 28/02/2021 13:10

@WhoisRebecca

He’s said ok, if he has to pay he can borrow from friends. I feel bad but I didn’t feel comfortable with cutting maintenance. He said I’m his biggest expense after rent.
That's his problem not yours.
MuddleMoo · 28/02/2021 13:12

@WhoisRebecca

I can’t pay for my ex MIL’s funeral. That would wipe out the small amount of savings I’ve put aside for the kids’ future.
I don't understand people saying you should pay for it! You aren't married anymore.