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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not letting my 6 mth old stay overnight at his grandparents' house as they are heavy smokers?

40 replies

mrsgrimwig · 05/11/2007 09:38

Am unwilling to take my 6 mth old DS to stay at his grandad/step-grandma's house (they live some distance from us) as they are very heavy smokers. They smoke everywhere in the house (including upstairs)and even after a short visit we leave reeking of stale smoke. Have said that we don't want DS exposed to smoke but think they have us down as excessively over-protective/neurotic or are using it as an excuse not to visit (not true!!).I have said they are welcome to come over to us at any time to see DS.

Does anyone else have the same problem and is there any way of dealing with this one tactfully? Do others feel the same way?

OP posts:

LucyElasticband · 05/11/2007 09:40

i was unhappy with childminder who smoked, said it was outside but i found out it wasnt, and i smoke myself!

i dont blame you at all, perhaps you could just tell them, you dont like the smoke

whoops · 05/11/2007 09:43

YANBU I refused to take ds & dd to my in-laws as they smoked. We told her that was why and she understood.
THey have given up now so it isn't too much of an issue

moyasmum · 05/11/2007 09:45

Dont know how to deal with this, smokers are self centred and often can't see the obvious . Its the addict thing.
You are mum what you say goes. What other people want shouldn't come into the equation when it comes to the childs health or well being. If they can't see that, then you need to protect your kids , dont allow yourself to be manipulated, im sure they will try it.

moyasmum · 05/11/2007 09:45

emmatomATO · 05/11/2007 09:46

Don't take him. I absolutley agree with you and would not hesitate to firmly explain why he wouldn't be staying with them.

My parents who I adore, are elderly and my dad's driving scares the pants off me. Hence, I will not let them collect the children in the car for me or take them out in the car in any shape or form (unless i'm sitting in the passenger seat and can grab the wheel is necessary!)

I've just told them my fears and that's it. Childrens safety comes first, before worrying about what people think.

LucyElasticband · 05/11/2007 09:48

if you dont tell them though, they wont know, so if you want to be able to stay in future, perhaps they would make their house smokefree????

NineUnlikelyTales · 05/11/2007 09:48

I wouldn't take my DS to the house of a smoker unless they only smoked outside. Tough luck if they don't like it - my DS health comes first. There is no reason the grandparents can't visit you instead, or you could stay at a local B&B and only meet up at places to visit/restaurants etc.

Doodledootoo · 05/11/2007 09:50

Message withdrawn

givemewine · 05/11/2007 10:17

YANBU. Wouldn't let my children in a house where people were smoking. My dad and grandparents smoked heavily and my lungs are knackered. Not all to do with that, but can't have helped. Not worth taking the risk imo.

ninedragons · 05/11/2007 11:26

You're definitely NBU. Without wanting to sound alarmist, your baby is still well within the danger zone for SIDS and a smoky environment is a HUGE risk factor.

Hard to do tactfully. Would one PIL be more receptive to a quiet word than the other? My FIL has the same horrifying driving style as emmatomato's, so when the time comes (we live O/S) we shall gently tell MIL that under no circumstances will our child ever travel in a car driven by FIL.

Maybe just say that you'd love to stay but that your GP has given you all these leaflets about SIDS and you just can't.

jumpyjan · 05/11/2007 11:41

YANBU - I would find it hard to let me DD even go there during the day if it is smoky.

Feel for you as they will probably basically take it as a criticism if you raise it but there is no other way around it and probably best to be straight with them.

claireybang · 05/11/2007 11:47

YANBU
I wouldn't take my dd. In fact I probably wouldn't stay there myself if they smoke heavily indoors.

VictorianSqualor · 05/11/2007 12:04

YANBU, my DC's used to stay at their nans house (exdps mum) and her partner smokes heavily, although she has asthma and is constantly opening windows, bleaching everything etc to get the smell out of the hosue (personally I think it's awful that someone would smoke heavily if they knew it made their partner ill) but after discussion with xMIL she made upstairs non-smoking and the DC's would stay in the kitchen/dining room with her if her partner was in so they were not exposed to the smoke. He wasn't too impressed with only being allowed to smoke in the living room, but I assume she put her foot down after she saw DD with a bad chest. (not due to smoking though)
Is there anyway you could come to some sort of compromise with them, so as not to expose your DS to it, and to still allow them to see, I would wait til he is older though, what with the SIDS risks metioned.

pinkpetals · 05/11/2007 12:18

hi mrsgrimwig. No i dont think your being unreasonable/neurotic or over protective if they do smoke all over the house.But on the other hand its their home and have the right to do what they like in it! try explaining your concerns over smoking around your DS. at the end of the day your the mother and have every right to make whatever decision you like regarding your child and i honestly believe it doesnt matter if they think your being neurotic at the end of the day your the mother of the child not them. see if just for the time your there if they will just smoke in 1 room (for instance the kitchen) as socializing will be done in lounge right? if they wont compromise at all then you have two choices.. you either go and put up with it or you dont go to their house! good luck! X

Bouncingturtle · 05/11/2007 12:21

YANBU - my dad and SM both smoke, yet when I went to visit them in Spain when I was 9 weeks pg, they made the effort to avoid smoking around me and to ensure I wasn't being exposed when we were out and about. And it was completely unprompted by me! I am confident that when we go out with baby next year they will do the same.

Nip · 05/11/2007 12:22

my parents both smoke, however when DS stays they will smoke outside. They know i dont like anyone smoking near him and therefore respect my wishes.

Personally i would just tell them your worries, and see what they say.

mustsleep · 05/11/2007 12:24

no yanbu this is the reason why i won't let mil have ds and dd overnight

everytime she comes to our house she will try and smoke in the kitchen and gets told not to then i will go back later and she will be sat on the doorstep ffs it all blows back in !!

StrawberryMartini · 05/11/2007 12:27

Lucy did your cm smoke while she was minding your child? If so she was breaking the law. Did you report her?

As for OP, no YANBU.

VictorianSqualor · 05/11/2007 12:29

It's illegal to smoke as a childminder? even outside? My childminder smokes whilst she walks the children to school.

LaylaandSethsmum · 05/11/2007 12:35

Childminders are not allowed to smoke at all while they have mindees with them.

VictorianSqualor · 05/11/2007 12:39

I'm quite shocked at tht! My childminder only has DD for half an hour between dp going to work and walking to school, but we used to live next door to her and I often saw her in the garden smoking, I did wonder how the parents of her mindees felt, as I know the risks still around from smoking away froma child and then going back to them straight away, but that has surprised me.

StrawberryMartini · 05/11/2007 12:47

They should all be hung drawn and quartered (and reported to Ofsted!). It's disgraceful.

bogie · 05/11/2007 12:50

YANBU i wouldn't let ds be around smoking

Original poster

mrsgrimwig · 05/11/2007 13:31

Thanks for all the messages and advice - they really have reassured me and strengthened my resolve! I do feel the odd pang of guilt as I take DS to stay with his other (non-smoking) grandparents quite frequently but hopefully by not letting DS stay it will be yet another incentive for them to quit ...

OP posts:

skidaddle · 05/11/2007 16:35

gosh well I take my dd to stay at her grandma's (my mum's) and she smokes like a chimney. I hate it (although she 'smokes outside' i.e sticks her wrist through a window) but I can't stop my daughter seeing her own grandmother, can I? It never even occurred to me that I would. The house stinks and there are ashtrays everywhere but if the alternative is no relationship between them then I think I prefer the smoke.

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