to be so hurt at my dh actions ????? when things were going so well??????

[dressedup2goandseefireworks]

hi my dh and me are going thru a very bad patch at the mo

i was feeling lonely and rejected and sort vitrual company elsewhere long and short out if dh found some online convos and it all went pete tong

we hav decided to work on things and try to sort out what weve got for the better and i finally thought this week end we'd cracked it

but as part of our working together thing was to introduce dh to the www he's now on facebook and there is a new app called crshes on it and someone had left me an anonymous message so i told em i was flattered but married

then the other day i had a new one and i thought mmm this looks familir so i kind of left teasing questions asking who it was

i wasnt feeling well yesterday had d and v all day and night and went to bed early

i woke p this morning to find a really nasty message left by this crush who it turns out is my husband talk about walking into a trap

so do i let it go do i bring it up ??????

im so and

he's being childish but he obviously didn't trust you and wanted to know if you were trustworthy....

He sounds like he wanted to catch you out..

do you love him enough to try & work it out?

i do love him but im so hurt he's done this

it's like every time we make five steps forwards he does something like this that makes me qestion everything

i know trust is not won back over night but i cant live like this

but if it makes you question everything do you not think getting a flirty response back when he was obviously hoping for a ery different one could make him question everything too?

i know it's easier said than done butwhy dont you talk to him calmly about it. he obviously still has insecurities about things, but you both need to move and build a happy life together.you cant do this if the past keeps getting brought up.

i was trying to work out how to respond so i thought maybe the jokey way ?

im just so confused at the moment

He obviously doesnt trust you and needs some reassurance. You need to talk to him and explain to him there was nothing in you leaving messages in response to this crush. He obviously feels v. insecure about what you get up to the internet (which i can understand) if you responded to one question saying you were married, why didnt you just respond to his saying the same??

Honestly, I think that if you really wanted to prove to your DH that you were sorry and you wanted your marriage to survive, you would have promised to stay away from facebook/however else you have been communicating with men.

This is what we would expect the DH of a MN in your DH's position.

I feel that you have broken his trust and then when you are working things out, you do it again.

I hope you work it out, but you need to make some sacrifices.

I disagee, fireworks. I think that a woman trying to regain the trust of her DH after an online dalliance should not be responding to "crush" messages at all.

Seems to me that the OP is concentrating on the fact that her DH has "laid a trap" for her instead of looking at what she has done wrong. A bit like all those threads where women find out their DH have been cheating by reading their e-mails. Yes, the snooping was wrong, but who is really been hurt here?

Sorry, fireworks, misread your message a little.

no i do see what your saying and its true

a tiny part of me did think it may be him but i wasnt sure

What on earth were you thinking of?

Sorry - i think you need to be absolutely open with your DH and admit that responding to anonymous messages in a teasing way was way out of order and totally lacking in sense and empathy for him.

It IS upsetting that he felt the need to set a trap....but had you blanked the message, or said to your DH "I'm going to get rid of the Crush application because some anonymous person is sending messages" then the likelihood is that your DH would have been reassured - and felt a bit ashamed of himself for not trusting him.

If you want to put your marriage right, you have to start by stopping blaming your DH for this!!

Your only saving ploy could be 'you daft bat - I knew it was you!'

Shut down your facebook page and pledge not to use the internet in the evenings etc. You are the one who is ultimately in the wrong and therefore have to make steps to regain his trust. Instead of trying to get him using the internet to the extent you do, you should stop using it so much, it should remove a large amount of his fear and shows you making a sacrifice to make it work.

he asked to be shown i havent forced him anyway

he wanted to see if he could get in touch with old school friends

im hardly using the bloody thing at night at all now

i couldnt have won either way could i if i'd have told the unknown to fck off then he'd have said thats what you should of done before if i dont he gets to say i told you so

i could never use the net again and he still wouldnt trust me

agree with what blu wrote

it is what you should hae said before...BUT you did say you were going through a bad patch. Now you say things were going really well between you and dh he obviously wanted to see a complete change in your reaction to a 'crush' message.

i understand that i only know its him cause he outed himself on the message

i'd rather he'd have said it to my face

im so bloody confused its unreal maybe its time to talk to a consellour or a divorce lawyer

YOU are HURT that he's done that??

What were you DOING even responding to those messages after what had happened!?

Facebook et al are the spawn of rhe devil for marriages!

I think you should flirt with your dh now.

Sorry this is not what you want to hear, but I think you have to take responsibility for your own actions.

I understand that you have been going through a bad patch, lots of us do. You need to regain your DH's trust and either shut down Facebook or only use it for contact with female friends or family. At least get rid of the crush thingy, I cannot see why a married woman who is trying to save her marriage would need that anyway.

No, actually I can see, it is good for your self esteem to have someone interested in you. Perhaps you need to sit down with your DH and tell him this. Does he value you? Does he compliment your looks or when you have done something?

I hope you work things out.

I'm sorry things are going badly for you; I hope you are able to regain your DH's trust. But I agree with others about where the responsibility lies; you're focusing on your feelings of hurt at his actions - what about the hurt you have caused him? Facebook applications don't add themselves, you chose to add 'crush' or whatever to your profile and to respond to messages. If you're serious about saving your marriage you have to accept that your DH is finding it hard to trust you and that his feelings are understandable.

thank u kinder
i have done the removing of all could be seen to be flirting applications

at the mo i want to kill dh not flirt with him

In your OP you say that initially you were feeling lonely and rejected and that's what caused you to begin flirting online - have you been able to address that with DH at all? How was he rejecting you?

Get a grip. YOU betray his trust by being silly online, YOU have hurt your husband and endangered your marriage. YOU have to put up with whatever way he is working through HIS HURT and stop being so full of self pity. You walked into that one, with your eyes open. Why do you even allow strangers to send you messages, shouldn't you have a closer look at your privacy settings if you were to continue on facebook?