Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what intrusive thoughts you get?

151 replies

ObtrusiveIntrusuive · 27/02/2021 09:21

I'm pretty sure I have undiagnosed OCD, the pure O type. I'm having a flare up at the moment so thought I'd reach out try to talk about it here to stop myself spiralling into "I've lost the plot" territory as I know it's actually quite common Smile

Mine manifests itself as thoughts about harm mostly, for example if I'm at the train station 'my toddler could fall into the gap between the train and the platform' or if I'm crossing a bridge 'I would die if I jumped over this'

When my children were tiny I would get regular ones about dropping them.

I've had slightly less sinister ones too like envisioning myself throwing a drink over whoever I'm talking to.

What intrusive thoughts do you get?

OP posts:
Original poster
ObtrusiveIntrusuive · 27/02/2021 11:53

I am a totally normal, nice person who had a decent childhood. Which I makes these thoughts all the more disturbing. If we were murderers, these thoughts wouldn't bother us would they!

I like this comment, it's very true.

Feeling disturbed by such thoughts goes some way to reassuring me that I am indeed a fairly normal person Smile

OP posts:
ChancesWhatChances · 27/02/2021 11:56

@coupleacuppas you won’t have your children taken away, I swear. That’s why I was so terrified to talk to anyone about it first too, all that happened was I was treated with nothing but care and support though. There was no judgement, there was no mention of me being an unfit mother or a danger to my kids or even of anyone aside from my doctor, nurse and the CPN being told what I was going through. Reaching out helped me change my life, I’m not quite the woman I once was but I’m getting there. I honestly recommend it, I know how terrifying the thought is but it’s just the thought that’s terrifying. The reality of speaking about what you’re going through to a doctor or nurse won’t be anything like you fear Flowers

Hazardflash · 27/02/2021 12:03

[quote ChancesWhatChances]@coupleacuppas you won’t have your children taken away, I swear. That’s why I was so terrified to talk to anyone about it first too, all that happened was I was treated with nothing but care and support though. There was no judgement, there was no mention of me being an unfit mother or a danger to my kids or even of anyone aside from my doctor, nurse and the CPN being told what I was going through. Reaching out helped me change my life, I’m not quite the woman I once was but I’m getting there. I honestly recommend it, I know how terrifying the thought is but it’s just the thought that’s terrifying. The reality of speaking about what you’re going through to a doctor or nurse won’t be anything like you fear Flowers[/quote]
Absolutely agree. This is an illness that is very treatable compared to some others. I was surprised at how quickly I started feeling better once I sought some help. Just saying it out loud helped me feel better. It's a dark secret for so many because of the disturbing nature of the thoughts.

thosetalesofunexpected · 27/02/2021 12:07

Hi. op
I dwell on lots of regrets I have that I wish that if I had the gift of hindsight I would have acted differently according.

I too get intrusive thoughts of knocking a hot drink over somebody i would obviously never do that.

I get thoughts of i wanting to escape/run/get away from the life responsibilities.

thosetalesofunexpected · 27/02/2021 12:09

Obviously lockdowns are magnifying (enhancing negative thoughts patterns.😕

thosetalesofunexpected · 27/02/2021 12:13

I have come across some/few Arseholes in my life so far,
so maybe having intrustive thoughts such as wanting to throw hot over somebody is the mind system of reaction/filtering sorting out stuff, that I needed to react in real life in a more assertive ways for e.g setting up robust personal boundaries etc to protect myself more effectively.😕

thosetalesofunexpected · 27/02/2021 12:16

@ObtrusiveIntrusuive

Good post thread op

Very thought -provoking and insightful theme.😕

Cissyandflora · 27/02/2021 12:21

Oh gosh constantly. So intrusive that I feel I have a constant inner monologue. As above- falling/ accidents/ my children being hurt/ visions of their dead attacked bodies flash up. It’s awful.

Original poster
ObtrusiveIntrusuive · 27/02/2021 12:28

So intrusive that I feel I have a constant inner monologue

Absolutely the case with me too.

I can never just go about my business, I over think every little detail of what I'm doing.

Then I think "it's not normal to over think and analyse every second of my day"

Then comes the anxiety surge with a realisation that "I'm not normal"

Speaking to others who can relate really helps to keep me grounded as I have a profound fear of going mad, so to speak.

If any of you met me in person I don't think you'd be able to guess that there's anything 'wrong' with me at all, I mask it well.

OP posts:
Hazardflash · 27/02/2021 12:33

I don't know if it's part and parcel with my pure O, but I also have a big problem with catastrophising. Particularly with work at the moment. Like if I make even a minor mistake, I'll lose my job, my professional designation (law) and then my house because I will never be able to work again and then my kids etc. I actually rarely make mistakes - probably because I obsess over every decision so much and then go back 100 times to check I did it right. It's exhausting. I'm definitely not in the right career for someone with these issues!

coupleacuppas · 27/02/2021 12:49

Thank you @ChancesWhatChances and @Hazardflash
I feel I've lived this so long I don't know if I can imagine being anything else.
To people who know me I'm calm, relaxed and together, inside my head is turmoil. I feel like I'm wearing a permanent mask, I feel I have no reason to feel this way, my life is good.
The narrative inside my head is exhausting, I listen to the radio through headphones a lot to try and drown it out.
I always worry when I read about people who've done terrible things or committed suicide, and people say things like "they were so quiet/friendly/seemed happy" etc, I always wonder maybe they were the same as me and their thoughts became reality.

whatnow47 · 27/02/2021 12:52

@Hazardflash

I don't work outside the house but I need constant reassurance that I have raised and nurtured my children well (even though they are mostly grown now). My husband gets weary of it so I use old mumsnet threads to reassure myself. I find myself reading the same threads over and over again until the anxiety goes away.

E.g I ruminate with great guilt about giving DD1 a dummy even though she is now an English post grad with beautiful teeth. Or that I had my son in the pushchair too much (he has been hiking 6 miles a day in lockdown). I just obsessively feel I haven't done a good job and made 'mistakes'. Sometimes I think I have made mistakes but then will find photographic evidence to reassure me that it never happened.

I can't afford it but I am getting therapy asap.

Cissyandflora · 27/02/2021 12:54

I think I mask mine quite well too OP. I used to worry a lot about ‘going mad’ especially when I was much younger. Teens and 20s. I’m now 50s and I do cope with life a lot better. I struggle with addictions though which i believe is very much linked with my mental health/ anxiety. I am significantly happier now than as a young person although I used to be slim and attractive and now I’m fat and very unattractive. I’ve never been able to have a lasting relationship with a man and it’s all about my inner madness and self doubt I think.

Cissyandflora · 27/02/2021 13:01

@coupleacuppas I agree about the radio. I sometimes try to listen to podcasts or audiobooks to drown out that inner voice.

MyLittleOrangutan · 27/02/2021 13:05

I'm autistic and have OCD. most of my intrusive thoughts are about there being someone in the house wanting to hurt me. I've had these as long as I can remember. I have them about someone wanting to hurt my dog or steal her. About DH having an accident at work or while travelling. I have them about my unborn baby, just this deep sense that they're dead inside me. On holiday we were walking along a seaside cliff and I had to walk away because the compulsion to jump was too much. I've also opened car doors while moving as a child, I still have the compulsion to do it.

NewtoHolland · 27/02/2021 13:08

If I'm feeling anxious I have intrusive thoughts about car accidents. I will think I've run some one over and not noticed. Like you what now there was a letter on the nursery door for parents to be more careful in the carpark...it made me feel so sure it must have been me having a near miss.
I have some weird positive ones like
You're going to win 8 million pounds? I don't gamble so not actually possible 🙈.
In my childhood I can remember thinking about being hit by a car a lot..and the sensation of flying through the air having been hit by a car...or falling downstairs.
I think it does poss verge on OCD or ADHD.

whatnow47 · 27/02/2021 13:15

@NewtoHolland

I had the exact same thing re-driving/parking near school. Its awful isn't it.

We once had a note put through our door inviting us to a neighbourhood meeting about "the goings on...". I automatically thought it was something we had been doing wrong. Worried me for weeks, turned out it was a spate of car break-ins. Blush

MuchTooTired · 27/02/2021 13:29

@coupleacuppas I was the same, the intrusive thoughts about my newborns was horrific. Mine weren’t so much what I’d do to them, more just what some sick bastards out there do.

I’ve diagnosed ocd and luckily had the tools from cbt to be able to deal with them but I told my hv nonetheless as I was seriously struggling with my mh. I stopped engaging though as I was convinced they were going to take my babies and only sought help mainly for pnd once I’d figured out exactly what would happen when I had to remove myself from caring for them.

It was a complete waste of time - my Dr said that she can quite clearly see that they were loved and I’m loving, I’m no danger to them and that they were thriving and if I’d not mentioned SS it wouldn’t have entered her mind.

Please seek help, intrusive thoughts and ocd are horrific to have to live with especially as there’s help available.

One thing I do is to acknowledge the thought, think to myself that whilst it’s weird it’s not real and then when I’m ready I imagine it as a hanky (generally a pinky red) in my hand blowing in the breeze which I let go of and watch it float away.

ExtraOnions · 27/02/2021 13:32

Have a read about “high place phenomenon” ... explains about the feeling of “I could throw myself off” , it’s actually affirming your desire to live, rather than your desire to die. Your body misinterprets the “safety signals”

Hazardflash · 27/02/2021 14:24

@whatnow47 that's the thing about these thoughts, whether it's about work, parenting, social situations, the mind will find its target and latch on.

Even through pure O doesn't have the typical physical compulsions that go with non-pure O, the mental checking and need for reassurance IS actually the compulsion. Like, I will send an email and feel the need to go back 100 hundred times to confirm to myself that it says what I think it says. Even thought I just read it 2 minutes ago. Sometimes the checking is only in the mind Like running a scene from childhood over an over again to convince yourself something did or didn't happen.

Hazardflash · 27/02/2021 14:27

There is a book called The Imp of the Mind that some may find helpful.

yookayhun · 27/02/2021 15:26

We have house rabbits and just after we got them I used to have the same thought over and over again about dropping them over the edge of the banister in our house, down three flights of stairs, it used to terrify me.

My two current recurring ones are using a scalpel to open all the skin on my right arm (only ever that arm!) and sticking a syringe into my eyeball. I hate it, I've been through 3x courses of CBT and nothing helps!

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 27/02/2021 15:39

Mainly mine centre around my kitchen knives. I have a set where each knife is a different colour and I get, almost a vision, of using each one in turn to cut my arm. Which one would hurt the most. Which would make the neatest cut, or the deepest cut. What about if I used a sawing action vs just pushing them into my skin.

Or cutting all my hair off. Just hacking it with scissors. How would people react?

Or running away. Just walking walking walking. How far would i get before anyone noticed. Would it make a difference if I didn't wear shoes. I guess Jo(e) Public is more likely to notice if I'm wandering around barefoot. Should I take my phone or not.

Suicidal ideation, although that's rare.

And one that's far more disturbing that I'm too ashamed of to admit to, even if I could be bothered to name change. It tips me from 'weirdo' territory into 'monster' even though I would never act on it.

LiJo2015 · 27/02/2021 15:55

Intrusive thoughts include leaving my life completely and what that could look like, taking an overdose and hanging myself.

whatnow47 · 27/02/2021 16:02

Thanks OP and everyone who have shared Flowers.

Finally got myself booked into therapy because of this thread x