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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have brought this up with my ex

113 replies

Wheredidthegoodgo · 27/02/2021 01:00

My ex is abusive but we share a beautiful 2 yr old dd.

Today ex emailed me asking for DD to be dressed in the clothes and coat he had her in at the last handover. I didn't even comment on the clothes as I'll dress DD I'm what I feel is suitable for the weather however said she shouldn't be wearing a bulky coat in the car as it's dangerous, from the fact that the harness may not fit properly to her overheating on a long 90minute journey in a car with 3 other adults and the heating on. Well now I've just royally had my head bitten off, i dress DD in 3 warm but thin layers (base layer being wool) when handing over DD, takes less than a minute to get to her to his car.

Was I unreasonable for mentioning my concerns about safety with the coat? And should I just carry on dressing DD as I see fit and let him argue with himself?

OP posts:
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 27/02/2021 02:14

So did she come back to you in a coat and clothes that he bought and now wants returned??

Surely everyone just takes the kids' coats off and pops them in the boot before they strap them into the car seat

hulahoopqueen · 27/02/2021 02:24

Maybe if it was going to be a problem for her to actually wear the coat in the car (obviously yes, safety first) then just hand it to him physically and brush it off; "oh here's the coat, obviously DC doesn't need it in the car!"

TwoShades1 · 27/02/2021 03:11

I’m confused as to whether he specifically wants her in those clothes for the car trip or just wants them returning so he has them as his place. DP and his ex often ask that certain clothes are sent back. Sometimes if they are picking up and going somewhere specific they might ask that the kids are dressed in certain clothes. But it is usually as we are going straight to the activity/venue and can’t go home to change.

Aprilx · 27/02/2021 04:23

I think he just wanted the clothes, which he presumably bought, back. And unless there is a back story, I think you need to assume he can recognise signs of her being too hot or too cold. YABU.

Original poster
Wheredidthegoodgo · 27/02/2021 06:47

So he actually wants DD in the clothes, I always return any clothes that have been purchased by him. He was very specific that he wants her in the clothes and coat.. I ignored the clothes bit but said about the safety aspect with the coat as we had discussed this before via email and attached a link to do with the dangers of doing this, at which point he denied that we discussed it at that the coat isnt too bulky is the straps are adjusted.

I just responded with a snapshot of the email where we had discussed and that I'd bring DD out in whatever clothing I feel is appropriate for the weather and that I'll put the clothes brought by him in her bag and that he can do as he sees fit but the advice on car seats and coats was quite clear.. then ensue his rage and him talking me that her wearing a coat is far more appropriate for the weather than what I would normally dress DD in.

Thinking back though this is something that has happened before, once of a cold morning I dressed DD in layers ex failed to check on her and remove layers over a 4 hour period and she overheated - this was apparently my fault - I again dressed DD in layers but handed over extra layers and an all in one to ex he said he had a coat for DD and wouldn't take the clothes she got too cold during contact and he didn't have anything with him - my fault. He failed to remove her coat in the car and she overheated, he says her nappy leaked because I didn't put on her nappy properly - my fault. Probably trying to set me up again.

OP posts:
yatt · 27/02/2021 06:53

But are you giving him the coat back even if she isn't wearing it? She might be dressed suitably for the car in your opinion but what if he takes her out for a walk? She will need a coat.

Original poster
Wheredidthegoodgo · 27/02/2021 06:58

@yatt yes I always give back the coat too in her bag.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wheredidthegoodgo · 27/02/2021 07:03

Just to be clear I don't ever keep the clothes he sends her in or coat.. it all gets sent back.. even pack into her bag gloves etc as I'm unsure if ex has these. And ex would presumably have the heating in his car and given it has had 90 minutes to warm up, so 3 the layers I put her in for the car trip should be more than enough. But ex specifically wants her in those clothes and coat as this is more appropriate than what I put her in.

OP posts:
Fieldsofstars · 27/02/2021 07:07

Why are you dressing a 2 year old in so many layers? Especially with wool as the first one?

Hazelnutlatteplease · 27/02/2021 07:08

I'm sorry but you really are making trouble where there doesn't need to be.

Dress her in the clothes she came in. It's a reasonable request and not hard for you to do.

Dont put the coat on. Hand it over. It really isnt worth raising.

I'm not sure why you would do anything else confused] this isnt something you should need to control

elsaesmeralda · 27/02/2021 07:10

To be honest im confused it seems to be being made into something big, as pp have said just put her in the clothes and hand the coat over

MuddleMoo · 27/02/2021 07:11

Put her in the clothes and hand over the coat. He can put the coat on if she needs it.

MuddleMoo · 27/02/2021 07:12

Or does he get funny about having to put a coat on?

Original poster
Wheredidthegoodgo · 27/02/2021 07:13

How am I creating trouble. He has asked me to dress her in these clothes because what I put her in isn't adequate. A reasonable request would just be asking for them to be returned.. no?

@Fieldsofstars I dress her in layers because he constantly moans and alleges im setting him up when it comes to what have dressed her in. So least if she is in layers he can remove these as he sees fit.

OP posts:
FedUp79 · 27/02/2021 07:14

In my view he’s massively over reacting. You were right to dress your DD in clothes that you saw fit for occasion/weather. Now he has DD he can choose what he finds appropriate to dress her in. My DD (9) wardrobe is completely shared between my ex and mine and neither of us are precious about where clothes should live (we’ve remained on good terms) but if your ex has requested clothes back then in a bag is fine.

Fieldsofstars · 27/02/2021 07:15

Setting him up for what? You said he’s accused you of the same.

What is this refer to?

elsaesmeralda · 27/02/2021 07:15

@Wheredidthegoodgo yeah it's abit odd that he wants them exact clothes on I agree but sometimes you need to pick your battles

Original poster
Wheredidthegoodgo · 27/02/2021 07:17

@MuddleMoo he gets funny about it all. It isn't to me about a need for control, I'll dress DD accordingly to what the weather is like outside. Don't understand how no one can see it is equally controlling for him to say DD needs to be dressed in certain clothes for no reason other than the clothes I put her in aren't appropriate.

OP posts:
oohmyback · 27/02/2021 07:18

I think tbh just stop reacting to him. You feel he is dictating what she wears, he feels the sane about you. Stop with the emails and texts about outfits. Eventually he'll stop too. He's reacting to the ongoing argument as are you.

Just send her dressed as he asked, give him the coat separately and say no more about it. He's her father, if you think she's not safe then you need to stop arguing and go to court. If it's not court worthy then stop arguing about it.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 27/02/2021 07:19

I always request that my dc are handed back in the clothes I sent them to their dads in too.

Totally reasonable request, I cant see why you wouldn't just do it. You're making a fuss about nothing.

Fieldsofstars · 27/02/2021 07:19

You’re both bickering about clothes which has lead to her overheating before.
That should’ve been enough to stop this between you both.

Put her in what you think is right, what you dress her in is not his concern same as what he dresses her in.
Send him an informative video about harnesses with coats and leave it at that.
Ignore the requests of clothing- if it’s stuff he bought send it back in a bag.

Dazedandconfused2021 · 27/02/2021 07:20

What were the clothes he wanted her wear? How were they different from what you dressed her in?

Dozer · 27/02/2021 07:23

Yes, there was no need to respond on the coat thing. He disagrees with you and isn’t going to do what you would like.

When she’s with him, he decides how to parent.

MuddleMoo · 27/02/2021 07:24

[quote Wheredidthegoodgo]@MuddleMoo he gets funny about it all. It isn't to me about a need for control, I'll dress DD accordingly to what the weather is like outside. Don't understand how no one can see it is equally controlling for him to say DD needs to be dressed in certain clothes for no reason other than the clothes I put her in aren't appropriate.[/quote]
Does he buy clothes for with him and you buy the ones for with you? Or does she share the clothes between houses?

To be honest I think you need to pick your battles and just go with what he has asked. You can always hand over the coat and say you weren't sure if she needed it on if you aren't happy to put it on her to sit in the car. Hopefully he won't get funny about that.

Original poster
Wheredidthegoodgo · 27/02/2021 07:24

@Fieldsofstars I handed DD over once dressed warm but handed ex her coat and a few extra layers just in case. Ex said he didn't need any of this because he had a coat which is fine.. but he didn't have a coat for DD and she ended up getting cold then raised this in court saying I was setting him up to fail.

I dressed DD in layers on a cold morning but ex for whatever reason failed to remove these and DD overheated in 4 hours, again he blamed me and said I set him up to fail in court.

He refused to remove her coat in the car, again she overheated.

I just feel like at least if I document and record what I have put her in based on the weather and fact she will be in a car rather than because he told me to dress her in a certain way then I can at least feel like I'm doing right by Dd. I've told ex coat will be in dds bag and he can then do as he sees fit.

OP posts: