Aibu to have brought this up with my ex

[Wheredidthegoodgo]

My ex is abusive but we share a beautiful 2 yr old dd.

Today ex emailed me asking for DD to be dressed in the clothes and coat he had her in at the last handover. I didn't even comment on the clothes as I'll dress DD I'm what I feel is suitable for the weather however said she shouldn't be wearing a bulky coat in the car as it's dangerous, from the fact that the harness may not fit properly to her overheating on a long 90minute journey in a car with 3 other adults and the heating on. Well now I've just royally had my head bitten off, i dress DD in 3 warm but thin layers (base layer being wool) when handing over DD, takes less than a minute to get to her to his car.

Was I unreasonable for mentioning my concerns about safety with the coat? And should I just carry on dressing DD as I see fit and let him argue with himself?

@Strictly1 if I wanted control I wouldn't then change what DD is wearing based on what ex is telling me. He said she was cold so I put her in more clothes, he says she was too hot I put less clothes on.. now we are back to too hot. At no point have I argued with him, just adjusted what I put DD in by the information he had given me. If I was being controlling I would be demanding that she wears X and not adjusting what I put her in at all but I have. If I was arguing with him about this I would say yes it is a tit for tat but I've not done that, only thing I've raised is the coat and it being dangerous. Like I said was just looking for advice on what to put her in.. whether to play his game because no doubt if something happens I'll be blamed again or just put her in what I felt was suitable.

But for reference I put DD in the clothes he requested, minus the coat I just handed this over with a blanket which he refused to take.

And yes I do have bigger issues than this all of which I'm trying to deal with.. perhaps that is the reason something so small is hard for me to make a decision on when dealing with bigger issues

@SaltedCaramelIcedLatte I am concerned about this, but been advised there isn't anything I can do. So no room to be debating that one, I feel sad for DD as she really isn't well but ex is making me out to be obstructive and no he doesn't have any evidence of this, but legally I have to send her.

Have you tried mediation or is it past that stage now? I feel so sorry for your child being caught up in this. I know it can't be easy but you need to try and work out a way that she comes first and stop the arguing over things that so easily can be sorted.

@Wheredidthegoodgo

Please let me be clear...

I originally dressed DD in cooler layers with additional provided ex said I was setting up to make her too cold, so I put her in more layers so ex could remove accordingly however ex refused to removed DDs coat and she overheated. Now I dress her in the same 3 layers but ex minus coat.. ex is saying DD is too cold in those 3 layers NOT too hot. I haven't said anything to ex about this but was asking if I should dress DD in. So no I'm not dressing her in layers knowing she overheated.. I rectified this by just handing coat over, now she is too cold.

Think I'll stick to my guns

Leaving aside the safety issue of the coat, the day you added the coat as he said she would be cold, and he didn't remove it, did she overheat after leaving your house? Did he know how many layers you had dressed her in underneath?

Assuming you are in the UK from talk of support bubbles, is it really so cold there that she needs to be wearing so many layers right now? Wool base layers??

@DumplingsAndStew yes DD overheated when ex said she was too cold. Handed her over in her coat and informed him of layers, verbally and via communication app prior to collection, and asked him to remove the coat due to this and safety - he didn't do this and DD overheated.

Wool layers were when it was snowing and we had that cold snap and during the winter period. As wool is meant to help regulate temperature or so I've read i thought given the past this would be a good option.

So you didn't have her in wool base layer today?

Why would she even need so many layers in a car though anyway? A full car, heating on, in a car seat, would obviously get fairly warm anyway. Is he known for stopping off an remaining outdoors for some time? There's also no need to put a coat on her if she is going straight into a car anyway, give it to him separately. What is the point in putting it on her, just for it to be immediately removed?

Does he listen when you tell him what layers she is wearing? Does he read the communication record before collecting her? I know you shouldn't have to spoon feed him this information, but he's clearly not competent at reading her cues for himself, so for her wellbeing, make sure you are. Put her in the clothing that she will need in the car. Make a point of telling him (or his parents who are also there) that the extras she will need (really, just a coat, it doesn't get that cold in the UK generally) are in X place, and she'll need them when they get out of the car, unless going straight indoors.

@DumplingsAndStew no wool bodysuit today I put her in what he had asked.. I didn't discuss the clothes with him the discussion surrounded the coat but I just didn't know what to do about her clothes. And well he said DD gets cold in the 3 layers I put her in without the coat so.. I think this is unlikely but it's not like I can know for sure and I think he just likes to mess with me because every time has done this I've adjusted what I put DD in based on what he has told me. And I always give him the coat separately now since she overheated.

As for if he listens, most likely not or if he does it doesn't matter as he thinks he is right. Also if he reads the record again I don't know. But when I handover I do tell him all of this again, often he will put her bag with the extras in the boot no matter even if I suggest that he keeps it with him. As for stopping off, no he doesn't stop off, I know I cannot know for sure but I spent 6 yrs with this guy and he travelled to Devon when DD was 6 months and wouldn't stop... It was a good 4 hour journey, so fairly certain of this.

From your OP:

i dress DD in 3 warm but thin layers (base layer being wool) when handing over DD, takes less than a minute to get to her to his car.

And now you say, no base layers today.

You've made a big issue over nothing but not made an issue of a sick 2 yo, awaiting a Covid result, travelling to a destination 90 minutes away.

You need to start focusing on the issues that matter. (I'm separated with an abusive ex so I do get the challenges).

@Wheredidthegoodgo

Think I'm somewhat over reacting as he would dictate what I would wear also, so in extensive feels like he is trying to control what i put DD in.

As many of you can say I try and control what ex puts DD in, I don't tell him how to dress DD (apart from coat in car which i did sent him the link on the dangers) Ive simply tried to dress DD as I see fit all while trying to cover my bases. It's stressful, but if ex wants her in something else he can simply change her once he gets home.

The problem is you are dressing her how you see fit and you think your way is the only right way, your ex is also dressing her as he sees fit. I personally think layers is a mistake, if she's overheated whilst wearing layers surely too many layers put on in the first place. Could you both not be amicable, you dress her how you wish when you have her, he dresses her how he wishes when he has her. Just reiterate safety of coat use in the car, otherwise send her in the clothes he bought.

He may have to see her legally, but if she isn't well then she isn't well............................... No court would make her visit if she isn't well (and especially with covid around)

Honestly, you're both being equally awkward. You have to learn to let him parent her as he sees fit and vice versa. It isn’t a competition. Each of you will have different ideas on what’s ok and what isn’t. If he keeps her coat on in the car, he’s not actually breaking any laws.

[quote Wheredidthegoodgo]@DumplingsAndStew yes DD overheated when ex said she was too cold. Handed her over in her coat and informed him of layers, verbally and via communication app prior to collection, and asked him to remove the coat due to this and safety - he didn't do this and DD overheated.

Wool layers were when it was snowing and we had that cold snap and during the winter period. As wool is meant to help regulate temperature or so I've read i thought given the past this would be a good option.[/quote]
How do you know she overheated? We’re you there with a thermometer in the car?