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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have brought this up with my ex

113 replies

Wheredidthegoodgo · 27/02/2021 01:00

My ex is abusive but we share a beautiful 2 yr old dd.

Today ex emailed me asking for DD to be dressed in the clothes and coat he had her in at the last handover. I didn't even comment on the clothes as I'll dress DD I'm what I feel is suitable for the weather however said she shouldn't be wearing a bulky coat in the car as it's dangerous, from the fact that the harness may not fit properly to her overheating on a long 90minute journey in a car with 3 other adults and the heating on. Well now I've just royally had my head bitten off, i dress DD in 3 warm but thin layers (base layer being wool) when handing over DD, takes less than a minute to get to her to his car.

Was I unreasonable for mentioning my concerns about safety with the coat? And should I just carry on dressing DD as I see fit and let him argue with himself?

OP posts:
CareBear50 · 27/02/2021 07:26

I think you're both fueling the fire and this is, in the grand scheme of things, is not something worth fighting about (apart from safety aspect of car seat and bulky coat).

One of you needs to step back. If it were me OP, I would dress your daughter as he has asked......put extra layers in a bag, and pop her coat on the backseat/boot when she gets into his car.

Pick your battles. Must be hard though 💐

Fieldsofstars · 27/02/2021 07:26

It’s safer for her to be cold than in layers and continuously overheating.

You’re not responsible for his poor parenting, in court they’ll see this.
Stop sending her layered up whilst you’re aware he won’t take off the layers.

MuddleMoo · 27/02/2021 07:26

[quote Wheredidthegoodgo]@Fieldsofstars I handed DD over once dressed warm but handed ex her coat and a few extra layers just in case. Ex said he didn't need any of this because he had a coat which is fine.. but he didn't have a coat for DD and she ended up getting cold then raised this in court saying I was setting him up to fail.

I dressed DD in layers on a cold morning but ex for whatever reason failed to remove these and DD overheated in 4 hours, again he blamed me and said I set him up to fail in court.

He refused to remove her coat in the car, again she overheated.

I just feel like at least if I document and record what I have put her in based on the weather and fact she will be in a car rather than because he told me to dress her in a certain way then I can at least feel like I'm doing right by Dd. I've told ex coat will be in dds bag and he can then do as he sees fit.[/quote]
I would write down what you put her in each time then. And if it was requested by him write that.
Why he can't remove layers I don't know!

Original poster
Wheredidthegoodgo · 27/02/2021 07:30

I think you're right @Fieldsofstars if he isn't going to remove layers better for her to be colder than too hot, and she has a fever at the moment so even more of a reason. I'll pack extra clothes in her bag and perhaps a blanket too and hand this over with her coat and leave her in the clothes he requested. If he then complains she is too cold then well Sad

OP posts:
pictish · 27/02/2021 07:34

What do you mean by ‘she overheated’ - how did she overheat? What happened to her when she overheated?

Honestly this sounds like a power struggle between two parents, one of which uses a coat, the other prefers layers. You can both just do it your own way?

Original poster
Wheredidthegoodgo · 27/02/2021 07:34

Think I'm somewhat over reacting as he would dictate what I would wear also, so in extensive feels like he is trying to control what i put DD in.

As many of you can say I try and control what ex puts DD in, I don't tell him how to dress DD (apart from coat in car which i did sent him the link on the dangers) Ive simply tried to dress DD as I see fit all while trying to cover my bases. It's stressful, but if ex wants her in something else he can simply change her once he gets home.

OP posts:
CeeceeBloomingdale · 27/02/2021 07:35

By sending her in the clothes he requests them he can't say you've set him up to fail anymore so do that. Put her coat in her bag. As a pp said, it's better to be cold than hot in terms of safety.

I think you bring unnecessarily difficult about the small stuff so the big stuff (coat in car) gets lumped in with the rest and ignored. You really do need to choose your battles.

MuddleMoo · 27/02/2021 07:35

Um.. if she has a fever should you be handing her over at the moment?

Fieldsofstars · 27/02/2021 07:37

I don’t think you should be handing her over atm whilst she has a fever. Especially to someone who keeps allowing their child to be too hot.

minniemoocher · 27/02/2021 07:37

Just dress her in the clothes he bought and hand the coat to him with her bag. No need for drama

Original poster
Wheredidthegoodgo · 27/02/2021 07:37

@MuddleMoo oh that's another battle but children can move between households even if self isolating.

OP posts:
MuddleMoo · 27/02/2021 07:39

[quote Wheredidthegoodgo]@MuddleMoo oh that's another battle but children can move between households even if self isolating.[/quote]
Does your Ex know she has a fever and is willing to take the risk though?

Fieldsofstars · 27/02/2021 07:42

Where did you get that info from op?

Original poster
Wheredidthegoodgo · 27/02/2021 07:42

@MuddleMoo yes he is well aware.

@Fieldsofstars nor do I but it's in court at the moment.

OP posts:
MuddleMoo · 27/02/2021 07:43

There is a FAQ here if this helps at all: commonslibrary.parliament.uk/research-briefings/cbp-8901/

CeeceeBloomingdale · 27/02/2021 07:44

I think you are making it stressful OP by not following his requests and saying it is simple to change her you are creating a battle. It is simple for you to dress her as he asks then everyone avoids an argument. Also bare in mind 2 year olds often say they are cold when they are hot and vv. If she has a fever then I would definitely not be layering up.

Fieldsofstars · 27/02/2021 07:44

According to a google seeing their other parent is not a reason to leave self isolation.

Original poster
Wheredidthegoodgo · 27/02/2021 07:44

@Fieldsofstars his barrister has found it on a gov website, I recently check and it does state this

OP posts:
Aprilx · 27/02/2021 07:44

@Wheredidthegoodgo

How am I creating trouble. He has asked me to dress her in these clothes because what I put her in isn't adequate. A reasonable request would just be asking for them to be returned.. no?

@Fieldsofstars I dress her in layers because he constantly moans and alleges im setting him up when it comes to what have dressed her in. So least if she is in layers he can remove these as he sees fit.

He has asked you to dress her in a particular way, why wouldn’t you just do it. You are making a pointless point. He can change her the minute he leaves with her into what he wants her to seat anyway, so why not save all of you the bother and put her in what he ask for in the first place. You are just trying to cause trouble.
Aprilx · 27/02/2021 07:45

*wear not seat

Original poster
Wheredidthegoodgo · 27/02/2021 07:45

@CeeceeBloomingdale she has asd and is non verbal, won't let you know when she is too hot or cold either

OP posts:
Fieldsofstars · 27/02/2021 07:46

I don’t think she is. Op has said that her child keeps overheating in his care @Aprilx
She has also said he was abusive so naturally op will overthink his requests because he is an unreasonable person.
Also op will want to be careful and not be controlled so he cannot think he can control anything else.

elsaesmeralda · 27/02/2021 07:48

@Wheredidthegoodgo if she has a fever she shouldn't be going anywhere really, and doesn't make sense that kids of separated parents can still move between houses even if meant to be self isolating ? Defies the whole point really

Original poster
Wheredidthegoodgo · 27/02/2021 07:48

@Aprilx I'm trying to cause trouble when ex let's her over heat or refuses to take a coat and blames me Hmm just trying to protect myself and ensure DD is comfortable. I've already said I'll dress her in what he asks and give extra layers back up the thread but thanks for your helpful input.

OP posts:
Fieldsofstars · 27/02/2021 07:49

I can’t find that info op. If she needs a covid test because of symptoms she shouldn’t be going anywhere.
Is she at nursery or anything? They’d probably request a test for her having a fever.

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