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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have brought this up with my ex

113 replies

Wheredidthegoodgo · 27/02/2021 01:00

My ex is abusive but we share a beautiful 2 yr old dd.

Today ex emailed me asking for DD to be dressed in the clothes and coat he had her in at the last handover. I didn't even comment on the clothes as I'll dress DD I'm what I feel is suitable for the weather however said she shouldn't be wearing a bulky coat in the car as it's dangerous, from the fact that the harness may not fit properly to her overheating on a long 90minute journey in a car with 3 other adults and the heating on. Well now I've just royally had my head bitten off, i dress DD in 3 warm but thin layers (base layer being wool) when handing over DD, takes less than a minute to get to her to his car.

Was I unreasonable for mentioning my concerns about safety with the coat? And should I just carry on dressing DD as I see fit and let him argue with himself?

OP posts:
Hazelnutlatteplease · 27/02/2021 08:29

If I came on here and said ex dressed DD in too many layers and while she was in my care she overheated you'll all jump down my throat and ask why did I not just take off the layers

If I did this yes. I'm five minutes from home.

But your DD has a 90 min onward journey.... maybe more if they are doing a day trip or visiting distant family.

The first thing your ex does with your child should be hugs and "how are you". It shouldn't be re-dressing them to the extent of removing undergarments. it shouldn't the first thing he has to do is dragging your child into a public loo to change or worse changing her in a car park. You need to make handover as untraumatic for the child as possible. You also need to be setting sustainable routines for the future.

You are not in the best position to dress your DD for the day because you dont know what is happening. You ex does.he made a reasonable request. The easiest thing for your child is complying with it.

This is not about right or wrong. It's about what is easiest for you child. Shes the one doing the difficult bit.

Original poster
Wheredidthegoodgo · 27/02/2021 08:32

@Hazelnutlatteplease visiting family during covid?

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2021 08:33

[quote Wheredidthegoodgo]@Hazelnutlatteplease visiting family during covid?[/quote]
You already made mention of 3 adults in the car?

Hazelnutlatteplease · 27/02/2021 08:37

Support bubble at a distance? Grin mainly though setting up habits and healthy thoughts patterns for the future. Covid restrictions wont be here forever, or even past April. I hope you were so taken by that hypothetical, that the main point of the post past you by. Sometimes it isnt most important to be right

Rupertbeartrousers · 27/02/2021 08:39

I think you’re getting a hard time on here, you obviously want the best for your daughter and ex’s track record of letting her get too hot/cold/leaky nappy nappies/using car seat with bulky coat on, and then blaming you is a worry. I don’t think many mothers would “set the ex up to fail” by endangering the welfare of their child. It is a serious worry for many resident parents when children visit the other parent and in OPs case this might be in the context of the kind of controlling behaviour he used to show. Also if these things are coming up in court/mediation, it sounds like their could be a battle going on the show each other in a bad light, which cannot be for your dd ultimate benefit.

I don’t know what the answer is OP but I think you need to politely stick to your guns - dress her sensibly, send everything in the bag he asks for (maybe with extra nappies etc so he can’t accuse you of anything, even though it shouldn’t be your job to ensure all this when she’s with him) coat in the bag and clear reasons why she’s not wearing it in the car.

I would agree covid test and stay at home with a fever though.

Terrhins · 27/02/2021 08:39

OP take photos of what she is wearing every handover, document it & keep every message.
At least you’re showing you’re doing what you can.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 27/02/2021 08:47

OP take photos of what she is wearing every handover

Dont do this. Handover can be challenging enough as a child, especially one with ASD. I'm not sure what you would hope to achieve by this. No court is going to stop contact over bickering over clothing.

You're taking them why? To prove you right? No point being right if it doesn't enhance your childs life.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 27/02/2021 08:48

Sounds like he's found another thing to use as control but on the surface it isn't totally unreasonable.
Its only with your experience of him that you see it for what it might be.

As for getting solicitors involved to make you hand over a sick child for a 90 minute journey each way, how is that in the child's best interest?

You need to appear to be utterly reasonable and take photos of evidence and keep the messages for next time he kicks off in court.

Totally agree with you on the coat in car thing btw.

Original poster
Wheredidthegoodgo · 27/02/2021 08:48

@EarringsandLipstick yes his parents, who are his support bubble.

@Hazelnutlatteplease yes I did, and I think you're right even if ex does know what I put her in each time but least if it's what he has requested then nothing can be pushed onto me. He could say well why didn't mother see it was cold and put more her but I don't think there will ever be a case of him not making an argument out of any thing or everything.. so may as well just say ok that's how you want her dressed then fine.

@Terrhins I do this but thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Wheredidthegoodgo · 27/02/2021 08:50

@Hazelnutlatteplease I do record what she is wearing in a communications app. So no photos etc only photos I take is of medication in her bag as ex accused me of not sending this but nothing of dd

OP posts:
Norwaydidnthappen · 27/02/2021 08:52

You could just have handed him the coat and said something like ‘here’s the coat, she won’t need it in the car’. Not sure why a big deal was made of this.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 27/02/2021 08:55

he has requested then nothing can be pushed onto me

I think this is also quite important. Safeguard yourself also.

FWIW I'd be more worried about sending a sick child. Do you have any court advice on this or previous precedent? We established quite early kids didnt go when sick and whilst he kicked off he didnt actually do anything. We eventually haggled that neither went when one was sick, ut DS got very sick when he was ill (not just ASD) so there were a lot of practical and emotional implications for both kids.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2021 09:00

yes his parents, who are his support bubble

So odd that his parents make a 3 hour trip while he collects DD. Why do they do that?

All the details here seem so odd to me. Are you going to address the issue of your DD being sick?

DavidsSchitt · 27/02/2021 09:01

"exactly what I'm trying to do and not let DD get affected by any of this."

Right, well if this is the case stop having petty arguments.

She's 2 - you've got her diagnosed with all sorts already and you're dressing her in layers with thermals before she goes on a long car journey that you say she's vomited due to "overheating" on before. Why would you do that?

(She probably just got a bit car sick tbh after the long journey, very common)

As for what she's wearing, well personally I wouldn't prefer for my little girl to have to go through the hassle of having her close changed again as soon as she leaves the house. Especially if she does have ASD as you say. I suppose that's up to you though.

Neither of you sound as if her welfare is your priority. Point scoring wins instead. Sad.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 27/02/2021 09:02

On the medicines front I have a bit of experience there too😖🙄😜 ...

Ask the GP/consultants for duplicate perscriptions of all medicines. Tell him you are sending duplicates of all DCs medications. You are happy to reorder more with two weeks notice.

This prevents mistakes at handover. It also allows to to evidence poor care if you take a note of when it should run out and when he should be requesting it.

Original poster
Wheredidthegoodgo · 27/02/2021 09:04

I have addressed this issue of her being sick and have been advised sending her would be a breach of the order.

No idea why his parents come down as well.

@Norwaydidnthappen this is what I do anyway.ex emailed me asking that she be wearing her coat I just simple said she won't be wearing it and why. The clothes issue I ignored and was simply asking advice on.

OP posts:
Hazelnutlatteplease · 27/02/2021 09:12

have been advised sending her would be a breach of the order.

Who advised?

Tbh that would have got a see you in court from me. I would get DD seen by a doctor. But that would have to be a serious illness with a noticeably raised temperature

But tbh if you've been arguing tit for tat about clothing you might not be in a secure enough position to do that. And if it's a lawyer that advised you, they know more about the case than a stranger on the internet

Hazelnutlatteplease · 27/02/2021 09:14

Well not a see you in court but a "if you feel that the best way for DC welfare is to take this to court then you need to do what you feel is best."

callmeadoctor · 27/02/2021 09:15

wow,Im exhausted reading this....... Tell him she is not well and cancel the visit. Problem sorted.................. (next time, just send all the clothes that he has bought back in a bag for him to sort.

Fieldsofstars · 27/02/2021 09:27

So she had on a body suit, a jumper, a cardigan and a coat on in the car?

Blimey.

PerfectPenquins · 27/02/2021 09:49

It's how I see it. The father is an adult the child is his responsibility when in his care so why is he failing the child by her getting so over heated she vomits? That's neglect. The op is not responsible for his failures as a parent.

Original poster
Wheredidthegoodgo · 27/02/2021 09:56

Please let me be clear...

I originally dressed DD in cooler layers with additional provided ex said I was setting up to make her too cold, so I put her in more layers so ex could remove accordingly however ex refused to removed DDs coat and she overheated. Now I dress her in the same 3 layers but ex minus coat.. ex is saying DD is too cold in those 3 layers NOT too hot. I haven't said anything to ex about this but was asking if I should dress DD in. So no I'm not dressing her in layers knowing she overheated.. I rectified this by just handing coat over, now she is too cold.

Think I'll stick to my guns

OP posts:
Strictly1 · 27/02/2021 10:25

It sounds like you both want control. You don't need to send him copies of emails etc. He asked fir her to be dressed in clothes he bought and you chose to pick a fight. You both need to stop - she's two so you've years of this left.

elsaesmeralda · 27/02/2021 10:45

I'm sorry op but going by your last post this situation is bloody ridiculous and childish and it definitely sounds like tit for tat, but there is a child stuck in the middle of it.

Pick your battles.

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 27/02/2021 11:36

This is a lot of drama over clothing and a coat! I would be more concerned about your DD not being very well!