Aibu to have brought this up with my ex

[Wheredidthegoodgo]

My ex is abusive but we share a beautiful 2 yr old dd.

Today ex emailed me asking for DD to be dressed in the clothes and coat he had her in at the last handover. I didn't even comment on the clothes as I'll dress DD I'm what I feel is suitable for the weather however said she shouldn't be wearing a bulky coat in the car as it's dangerous, from the fact that the harness may not fit properly to her overheating on a long 90minute journey in a car with 3 other adults and the heating on. Well now I've just royally had my head bitten off, i dress DD in 3 warm but thin layers (base layer being wool) when handing over DD, takes less than a minute to get to her to his car.

Was I unreasonable for mentioning my concerns about safety with the coat? And should I just carry on dressing DD as I see fit and let him argue with himself?

Do you think he'll be able to look after her while she's got fever? Do you have somewhere you can get legal advice?

She's very young to have a diagnosis at 2, especially in covid times.

What do you mean by overheating? If she isn't verbalising it, she must be vomiting, fitting or something?

I think Yabu mentioning it, if the car seat did not fasten then obviously the coat would of been removed.

@CeeceeBloomingdale she is vomiting.

@MuddleMoo no I don't think he'll be able to care for her but this is all in court. I do have legal advice and was advised to send her. Done a covid test yesterday but no results yet

It does slightly sound like you are both trying to nick pick at each other. If she is prone to overheating I don't understand why you would put her first layer as wool. Unless you live in a constantly extremely cold place I think it is probably too much. The guidance has always been for little ones to have one more layer than an adult needs so a bodysuit if in nappies or a vest if potty trained should be enough and then dress as you needed for the weather. Yes you are right about the coat and was right to warn him but if he won't listen the only thing you can do is to tell him to contact the HV and ask for their advice. Or you do and pass on their answer (preferably written by them). If he wants her dressed a certain way and you have been constantly arguing over it then I don't see why you are pushing against him. Get him to write specifically how he wants her dressed and hand her over. Any issues are then on him.

Honestly you sound like a pair of bitchy kids

There is a two year old stuck in the middle of this

Ok sounds odd of your ex to insist but if that's your advice. Sorry for derailing your thread a bit. Sounds like a bit of a nightmare for you.

@SakuraEdenSwan1

I think Yabu mentioning it, if the car seat did not fasten then obviously the coat would of been removed.

This is basic safety. If the coat is too puffy the harness is gripping the coat not the child or less so. So in an accident the child move too much and is injured more

Have you posted about him before because I am sure I have read about this before?

I actually do think you are setting him up to fail if you are dressing her for the weather outside knowing she will be on a long car journey and vomits when overheated. She isn't outside, no need for layers. Why would you want to cause that distress for her, even if you want to punish him by making him deal with it? He is her parent too, there is no chief parent role.

I just feel like at least if I document and record what I have put her in based on the weather and fact she will be in a car rather than because he told me to dress her in a certain way then I can at least feel like I'm doing right by Dd. I've told ex coat will be in dds bag and he can then do as he sees fit.

But she’s not going to be spending the day in the car? Surely you dress her based on what she’ll be doing that day and not based on a car journey. Since I assume you don’t know what she does with your ex it’s infinitely more sensible to put her in the clothes he’s asked for since he is the one that knows what she’ll be doing... you’re both tit for tat right now, I remember your previous threads. That poor wee lass being caught between the two of you and your fighting.

[quote Wheredidthegoodgo]@Fieldsofstars I handed DD over once dressed warm but handed ex her coat and a few extra layers just in case. Ex said he didn't need any of this because he had a coat which is fine.. but he didn't have a coat for DD and she ended up getting cold then raised this in court saying I was setting him up to fail.

I dressed DD in layers on a cold morning but ex for whatever reason failed to remove these and DD overheated in 4 hours, again he blamed me and said I set him up to fail in court.

He refused to remove her coat in the car, again she overheated.

I just feel like at least if I document and record what I have put her in based on the weather and fact she will be in a car rather than because he told me to dress her in a certain way then I can at least feel like I'm doing right by Dd. I've told ex coat will be in dds bag and he can then do as he sees fit.[/quote]
And then did you not go to your GP straight after trying to accuse your ex of dehydrating your DD?

You need to stop this one up man ship trying to get back at each other and put your DD first. If we strangers on the internet can see what's happening, the courts and SS will be able to, too.

That poor wee lass being caught between the two of you and your fighting.

Exactly. I can't believe the way you are making an issue of this. There's a lot of drip feeding going on here, so I'm not sure what to make of that. However, if your DD is awaiting a Covid test result, has a fever and is unwell, I don't think she should go on an 90 minute car journey.

@CeeceeBloomingdale if you read my thread you would have seen she overheated because he refused to remove her coat.

Thank you for your comments everyone

I did read your thread, if she's wearing several layers and a coat it's not just the coat to blame. I also read your thread from yesterday and she hasn't been diagnosed asd yet. You are being difficult as is he. I suggest you both consider your daughter and stop the power battles.

Wow if any of you read any of this.. exactly what I'm trying to do and not let DD get affected by any of this. Does ex not have his own mind.. if you picked up your child would you not just remove or add clothing. My point is that whatever I dress DD in if anything happens.. if she is too hot or too cold I'm to blame.

If I came on here and said ex dressed DD in too many layers and while she was in my care she overheated you'll all jump down my throat and ask why did I not just take off the layers, add layers.. look after dd. Instead it's poor ex is being set up because he couldn't read dds needs.

@CeeceeBloomingdale just to be clear according to ex the issue is I don't dress her warm enough.

I'm sorry but if she has asd it is waaay better that she is dressed in a way that mean he knows exactly how many layers she is in than having the warm layers hidden under her clothing.

Im saying this now as I have been there handing over a ASD 3 year old (who still as a teen will freeze or overheat before mentioning he's cold/hot) between 2 cars in a car park.

If she cant tell you shes hot, or that shes got thermals under her clothes, and it's a quick handover then yes it is easy to miss non obvious layers underneath. When you are handing over in a car park you really arent thinking about clothing. You are thinking getting handover done with as little unpleasantness as possible, is the child going to turn up, and if you have an onward journey you are going to be thinking about the onward journey as well.

Nothing should be left to handover, and certainly nothing controversial. For your childs wellbeing you need to make the handover as simplistic as possible. For your childs wellbeing

So yes dress her in the clothes he knows she will be in. Stick a blanket over her. If he's useless don't add to the stuff he can stuff up.

And seriously if he is abusive and your DD has asd, you likely have worse issues to come. You'll look back and go why on earth did I think that was important. You cannot (and should not) control him, trying isnt going to make the process easier for your child. Get the right boundaries in place early.

His request was reasonable regardless of his motivations. It put no burden on you. As a parent it is your responsibility not to create fights that dont need to be there.

You are not responsible for his parenting decisions once DD is his care. Reiterate that and ignore.

And 3 layers hardly several.. does ex not know how hot/cold his car is or ability to remove or put on her coat as he sees fit without blaming me for what occurs after.

Have a good day all

This is was pretty easily avoided. You should have just dressed him as he asked and handed him the coat separately when he came to pick up DD and told him the cost was too bulky for the car seat.
Dressing her in the clothes you see fit when you don’t have her that day is just an unnecessary power trip.

This 'setting him up to fail' stuff is a load of rubbish. I assume he has a brain. Why can't he have clothes for her that he changes or adds and remkves layers when appropriate. Is he incapable of judging the temperature? Why is he putting his child at risk forcing her to wear a coat in the car? Why is op responsible for her ex not actively parenting and changing the child's clothes when needed. The child is over heating and going cold in his care not the posters carer. He is the one responsible for her in his time and he can't even add and remove layers when appropriate. Instead he blames the op despite her providing extra layers and explaining to him why uts not safe or appropriate to have her in a thick coat in the car. This child is vomiting from overheating. Thats not acceptable and is entirely down to her father as she is in his care. Its such basic stuff here that he is failing at by his own inaction.

Hence why I have said I'll dress her in what he has asked, hand over the coat, and a blanket and leave it at that.

@PerfectPenquins

This 'setting him up to fail' stuff is a load of rubbish. I assume he has a brain. Why can't he have clothes for her that he changes or adds and remkves layers when appropriate. Is he incapable of judging the temperature? Why is he putting his child at risk forcing her to wear a coat in the car? Why is op responsible for her ex not actively parenting and changing the child's clothes when needed. The child is over heating and going cold in his care not the posters carer. He is the one responsible for her in his time and he can't even add and remove layers when appropriate. Instead he blames the op despite her providing extra layers and explaining to him why uts not safe or appropriate to have her in a thick coat in the car. This child is vomiting from overheating. Thats not acceptable and is entirely down to her father as she is in his care. Its such basic stuff here that he is failing at by his own inaction.

You sound word for word like the OP.

@Hazelnutlatteplease, I do put her in the same layers each time.. same cardigan and bodysuit only thing that changes is the jumper and bottoms obviously so he knows exactly what she is wearing. But as he can't deal with this I'll stick with what he has asked, if she gets cold then I have packed extra clothes and blanket.. he does put her bag in the boot often so I'll just ask him not to do this or maybe I'll just say changes of clothes in bag then he can put it where he wants