Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH not doing enough for me

121 replies

Bellemb · 24/02/2021 17:59

DH and I are early 30s and have no DC. Both of us have FT jobs, though I was on sick leave for two months last year. I've always struggled with mental health conditions and also have ASD, but I am currently not coping at all. I've tried to reach out to various healthcare services to no avail, it's got to the point of letters and disputes etc. I'm only mentioning this because I feel that I am trying to help myself, but it's such a big fight and I'm simply exhausted. I am struggling getting out of bed at all and the house is a complete mess. The washing hasn't been done in two weeks for example. I think bathrooms haven't been cleaned since prior to Christmas.

Should I expect DH to do more to help? I don't really know if I'm honest. DH will come and bring me drinks and cook about half the week. He washes up sometimes. He feels that he is doing a lot and I feel guilty about not being able to get myself to do much, but at the same time nothing else is getting done and I'm becoming more and more overwhelmed. I'm still expected to order the groceries and if I don't do life admin, it simply does not happen. So now we both live in borderline squalor and I am not sure whether AIBU. DH is on annual leave and is spending all day playing video games. Of course he needs time to relax, but should he do more to help? I feel bad for asking him as it's been like this for a while and isn't likely to change any time soon.

OP posts:
AiryFairyMum · 24/02/2021 18:02

It sounds like you're both overwhelmed. Work together and do one job at a time. It's easier when you're a team.

Hahaha88 · 24/02/2021 18:06

You have to work together on this. You're struggling and that's crap and I'm sorry but you can't expect him to do it all. However he should certainly be doing more than he is around the house. And not having cleaned the bathrooms in over 2 months is nasty!

londongirl12 · 24/02/2021 18:08

Why don't you write a list of what needs doing and split out the chores. That way you both know what to do and it's fair.

MyLittleOrangutan · 24/02/2021 18:10

So you both work full time but it's also your job, the one with autism and mental health issues, to do all the life admin, shopping, washing, cleaning and half the cooking. Sounds like he's not doing his fair share to me. It's not about him helping you, it's about him pulling his weight. Even more so when he's on anual leave.

VinterKvinna · 24/02/2021 18:11

I haven't voted, because you seem overwhelmed.

I think a list would help here. Could you afford a cleaner?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 24/02/2021 18:12

Since when was housework your job? Yes he should be pulling his weight while you are not able to.

Original poster
Bellemb · 24/02/2021 18:30

@Hahaha88

You have to work together on this. You're struggling and that's crap and I'm sorry but you can't expect him to do it all. However he should certainly be doing more than he is around the house. And not having cleaned the bathrooms in over 2 months is nasty!
I am aware it's nasty, I wouldn't live like this through choice.

@MyLittleOrangutan yes, I suppose. I'm absolutely floored by depression at the moment and it is really bad. DH thinks it's unfair for him to do everything, but at the same time I don't think he does all that much. In the end nobody does it. I still try my best, but it is very hard. When I go to the GP I get asked whether DH is supporting me, and I'm not sure what the answer to that question is, or what it should be. That's why I wanted to ask.

We had a cleaner before, but Covid put a stop to that and I'd need to find someone else. I don't have the mental energy to do that really.

OP posts:
Perfect28 · 24/02/2021 18:32

You should be doing 50% of the work each. It's not a case of him 'helping' you.

randomchap · 24/02/2021 18:35

Bathrooms? As in multiple? As there's only two of you have you considered moving somewhere more easy to manage.

Original poster
Bellemb · 24/02/2021 18:46

@randomchap

Bathrooms? As in multiple? As there's only two of you have you considered moving somewhere more easy to manage.
I can barely manage to get up in the morning, so selling my house and buying a new one in the middle of a pandemic is a bit of a reach unfortunately. It's not a massive house, there are two small bathrooms and two bedrooms.
OP posts:
TedMullins · 24/02/2021 18:48

I really empathise because I’ve got depression and have had severe bouts of it that kept me bed-bound for days if not weeks - during these periods I didn’t look after my personal hygiene or my surroundings so I really do understand how it gets to that stage.

However. I lived alone then, so my mess wasn’t affecting anyone except me. I then got a dog - which is obviously not in any way comparable to living with a partner, but I was aware that I had a responsibility to another living being in the house and forced myself to try and be a bit cleaner and tidier.

It isn’t fair to expect your DP to do everything even if you are severely depressed. You need to want to help yourself, and I know how hard that is especially if you can’t access the help you need, but can you set yourself one small task a day and build up from there? You need to speak to your partner as well and agree on a division of chores. Can he take on the things you find too overwhelming like food shopping and you do tasks that require less thinking, like wiping down the kitchen or bleaching the loo? He does need to support you for sure, but you also need to show some effort and willing to try and manage your situation as best you can.

combatbarbie · 24/02/2021 18:52

You sound so overwhelmed OP, depression is shit! Your DH should absolutely be doing more, with no kids there is no excuse for not being 50/50.

As others have said do a list and crack them together to get back on top of things. I find once I start it's OK, it's just the getting started.

Once the clean is out the way you need to sort the chores between both of you.

Embracelife · 24/02/2021 18:59

Get a,cleaner in to bring house to baseline
Full clean you can leave the house for the day
Worth the money
Then agreed 50 50 split to keeping top

If he won't do his bit consider your options

imalmostthere · 24/02/2021 19:02

What are you doing compared to what he is doing?

Original poster
Bellemb · 24/02/2021 19:04

@TedMullins

I really empathise because I’ve got depression and have had severe bouts of it that kept me bed-bound for days if not weeks - during these periods I didn’t look after my personal hygiene or my surroundings so I really do understand how it gets to that stage.

However. I lived alone then, so my mess wasn’t affecting anyone except me. I then got a dog - which is obviously not in any way comparable to living with a partner, but I was aware that I had a responsibility to another living being in the house and forced myself to try and be a bit cleaner and tidier.

It isn’t fair to expect your DP to do everything even if you are severely depressed. You need to want to help yourself, and I know how hard that is especially if you can’t access the help you need, but can you set yourself one small task a day and build up from there? You need to speak to your partner as well and agree on a division of chores. Can he take on the things you find too overwhelming like food shopping and you do tasks that require less thinking, like wiping down the kitchen or bleaching the loo? He does need to support you for sure, but you also need to show some effort and willing to try and manage your situation as best you can.

I'm not sure I expect him to do everything. I am really struggling and everything is exhausting. I still do things, but nothing else happens and the environment is making it even harder for me. Today I emptied the dishwasher, cooked and booked DH an appointment with the doctor. I actually had a shower. I try and I try, but I see the mountain (in my head) of stuff to do and I get crushed by the weight of it. Cleaning the bathroom would be a monumental task at the moment. I'd have a meltdown unfortunately, I can't explain it very well.
OP posts:
IcyPenguin101 · 24/02/2021 19:04

I agree with getting a cleaner. It may feel like a mammoth task at the start but just getting that sorted will make you feel a little better, I’m sure. Do you know people locally that you could ask for recommendations - that would save half the hassle of trials/interviewing.

britnay · 24/02/2021 19:07

How would these things get done if he lived alone?

Tal45 · 24/02/2021 19:07

Definitely get another cleaner, my mum has been working as one mostly throughout. Then could you write a list of what else needs doing and split it between you or agree that anything that needs doing you'll do together, cook together, one washes one dries that sort of thing?

TooBored1 · 24/02/2021 19:08

He doesn't need to help you. He needs to pull his weight and do his fair share.

If you are both working full time, baseline is 50/50. Then the"fair share" might mean he actually needs to do more than you, to take into account your illness.

chipsandgin · 24/02/2021 19:09

As pps have said it’s not ‘helping you’ it’s doing his share & that share should be 50%. One way to approach it would be to have an ‘I want us to be a team’ talk, say things seem to have got on top of us & if we work together we can dig ourselves out of it (before you do this)) write a list of what needs doing now to get back to a manageable situation & what needs doing on a daily weekly basis - then split it 50:50.

That way his perception that he ‘does a lot’ might change as he can see it it black & white. I remember flat shares where some flat mates, usually from pampered homes where bathrooms were always magically clean, towels appeared in the cupboard & clothes appeared in drawers & all they had to do was occasionally load the dishwasher...sadly real life takes a bit more work than that & it’s a shocker.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m shit at it but using strategies like the above and tackling one thing at a time makes it a bit less overwhelming. I start with making the bed and taking any crap out of the sink and cleaning that...one step at a time.

LoudNowSing · 24/02/2021 19:10

He should absolutely be doing more and it's shameful he's not. He's not acting like a partner at all. But if you want to try giving it a go, get it clean first with the help of a cleaner and then divide up the chores according to what you both can do...snd he should be doing the lion's share while you're sick. That's what partners do.

Tal45 · 24/02/2021 19:10

@Hahaha88

You have to work together on this. You're struggling and that's crap and I'm sorry but you can't expect him to do it all. However he should certainly be doing more than he is around the house. And not having cleaned the bathrooms in over 2 months is nasty!
You're nasty, the OP is clearly overwhelmed and has ASD so may really struggle with executive function. And you're not sorry at all so you're also a liar.
alpenguin · 24/02/2021 19:15

Op - go on strike completely. Don’t book his drs appointments. Keep your half of the bedroom clean and nothing more. Let him see how much you’re doing.

A lot of people here won’t understand the impact Autism has on executive function even on your best days so throwing in depression just makes basic things impossible. It’s not their fault they cannot comprehend how hard it is for you. If your partner isn’t autistic he likely won’t understand either.

You need to have a serious talk about it but if that’s too much like hard Work take your time to write it into a letter so you can say what you need to say and what you want without interruptions and distractions. He can then refer to it once his it’s not fair strop has passed him by. You need to think differently about how you approach this in a way that suits you. So many people responding won’t understand how you work

bababra · 24/02/2021 19:15

You're ill and therefore your partner should step up. It's not helping as that implies the chores are yours to do and as you are ill he should be doing much more.

I was ill last year and bed ridden for quite a while, apart from life admin that I could do, my dp did everything. He should be there for you Thanks

Beancounter1 · 24/02/2021 19:16

Why on earth are you booking his Dr appointment? You are not his mum.
Either he books it himself or he suffers from whatever the illness/condition is. He is a grown man. Stop babying him.
And start demanding he does 50/50. I second sitting down together and making a list. If he won't engage with the process, that tells you all you need to know about how much he cares.