AIBU or is DH not doing enough for me

[Bellemb]

DH and I are early 30s and have no DC. Both of us have FT jobs, though I was on sick leave for two months last year. I've always struggled with mental health conditions and also have ASD, but I am currently not coping at all. I've tried to reach out to various healthcare services to no avail, it's got to the point of letters and disputes etc. I'm only mentioning this because I feel that I am trying to help myself, but it's such a big fight and I'm simply exhausted. I am struggling getting out of bed at all and the house is a complete mess. The washing hasn't been done in two weeks for example. I think bathrooms haven't been cleaned since prior to Christmas.

Should I expect DH to do more to help? I don't really know if I'm honest. DH will come and bring me drinks and cook about half the week. He washes up sometimes. He feels that he is doing a lot and I feel guilty about not being able to get myself to do much, but at the same time nothing else is getting done and I'm becoming more and more overwhelmed. I'm still expected to order the groceries and if I don't do life admin, it simply does not happen. So now we both live in borderline squalor and I am not sure whether AIBU. DH is on annual leave and is spending all day playing video games. Of course he needs time to relax, but should he do more to help? I feel bad for asking him as it's been like this for a while and isn't likely to change any time soon.

So he's decided as doing everything Is too much he'll do nothing beyond half the cooking. You're unable to contribute right now because you're floored by depression and unable to get decent help.

Can he get a cleaner in to do a one off big clean? So it's less overwhelming a place to start from, to maintain going forwards.

Can he organise a laundry service to get back on top of things (I've used laundrapp in the past when my washing machine broke, they pick up a bag of washing and return it clean and folded, it's amazing). It's not cheap but it clears the way to making things manageable.

Doing nothing is going to make things worse for both of you.

Best of luck getting the help you need.

You need to lose the idea that anything he does, is helping you. These jobs aren't yours. Two adults who live together are equally responsible for cooking, cleaning etc.

Why are you booking his doctors appts!

I think some PP suggesting 50/50 maybe don't understand the extent of severe depression @Bellemb
Move house! Ffs
Your husband probably doesn't understand either, I would suggest.
The feelings of worthlessness that go with depression are why you're questioning whether you deserve help.
Well you're not asking too much. You're very unwell.
When you start to get better, (and you will) you'll find yourself gradually able to take on more.
Until then, your husband needs to pull his bloody finger out.
Who'd be cleaning the bathrooms if he lived alone?
I know it's really hard to be assertive when you're ill, but I think you need to spell it out. The state of your home is probably making you feel worse.
I also think that whenever restrictions allow, pay a cleaner to do a deep clean, then you only need to stay on top of things, it won't be so overwhelming.
I hope you're able to access more help soon for your illness. I know what it's like.

I'm sorry you're struggling

I would arrange for a cleaner to come in and do a one-off, full clean of the house for you both. You could ask them to do the laundry as well.

It will be easier once it's done.

Firstly, it not "helping" you. He lives there.

You aren't a team. You need to be a team.

According to an item on R4 a Chinese woman has been awarded £5000 and £200 per month because her husband didn’t pull his weight around the house.

Is part of the problem that you dh doesn't care living in a tip and isn't bothered by the fact the bathroom haven't been cleaned for 2 months?
If that's the case then it shifts the burden to you

Can you maybe plan to have a tidy sort out together at the weekend.

So both clean the bathroom together ? Would that work?

Don't clean the whole bathroom in one go if it's too much.
Clean the toilet.
Tomorrow clean the basin.
etc.
Try and put a wash in.

Break it down into small tasks.

Having struggled with depression, I think he should be doing more (definitely booking his own drs appts for a start, that’s his job!!). If you had a broken leg or a heart attack he probably would (or would he?) and this is also hopefully a temporary spell of severe illness like that. Having said that unfortunately you can’t go race him, you can only ask. It sounds like you are doing a reasonable amount for someone severely depressed but wonder if you’re also obsessing about it/overworrying about it. If it’s an issue of getting a new cleaner and you’re too overwhelmed to sort this yourself but it would help you why not delegate him this task and explain how much of a burden it would lift from your shoulders while you’re unwell.

Make a list - things to do everyday like wash up and wipe kitchen surfaces, and others once a week. Tackle two things a day , 15 minutes at a time. One put washing in, other hang out. One tidy a room, other hoover. If you each sluice out shower and basin after use it should not be too bad to keep on top of. You could get a one off spring clean but would need to tidy up first. Try to get outside each day, even briefly. Who shops for you?

As someone who also suffers from depression, I know a messy house makes my mental health worse. I’m no clean freak but do feel better if everywhere is clean & presentable.

Can DP start by doing one room (he’s not helping you out, it’s his house too) & just take it from there. Ultimately though you need to be doing half each.

@britnay

How would these things get done if he lived alone?

I don't know. I really don't know a lot nowadays. I think when DH is seeing me in bed all day and he does the dishwasher, he's done double what I have done and it seems like he does everything and I do nothing.

I booked his doctor's appointment because he needs to sort something out, but he'll just put it off and off and I am just trying to help. I always try to still show DH that I love and care for him, still hug and kiss and try because I grew up around a parent with depression and they made me feel miserable. DH will always bring me drinks and quite often he'll bring me some breakfast or open the curtains. So I don't know whether I should expect more when he doesn't have to do that. I feel very guilty asking him things, because it makes me look lazy. I want to be able to do things 50/50 right now I really do, but I simply can't. And if I do 20 and the remaining 80 isn't done, it'll make it harder for me to do 10 the next day, because of how the situation is affecting me, if that makes sense.

I have sympathy OP. I've been on the other side of this situation with a DH who suffers from depression. I literally have to do everything when he is really unwell because he just can't join in. It isn't easy, especially as I work full time and we have a family, and it can lead to resentment. I found that paying someone else to do things really helped take the pressure off, for example getting a cleaner once a fortnight, and getting someone to cut the grass. Basically outsourcing whatever I could. Planning is also important. Things like the weekly shop could be done online with both of you adding things over the course of the week. Cookng and freezing extra portions may help with evening meals when you're not doing well.
Try to have a plan for the must do tasks, should really do tasks and would be nice to do tasks. That way you both know what needs done, and he knows what to prioritise if you are unwell. It's not a case of him helping you, it's about both of you working as a team, and sometimes that means one picking up whatever slack they can if the other partner is unwell.

I’m sorry you’re so overwhelmed :( I really relate - I’m also autistic, and was diagnosed with ADHD as well in 2019. Life admin, housework, it just swamps me, I started a thread in MH the other day because I’m so sick of feeling like a failure at being an adult.

But marriage is a partnership. You’re not well and he needs to step up. It’s one thing relaxing when needed (god knows I spend enough time in a daze watching Netflix when I can’t cope) but two weeks behind on laundry means he can’t ignore the housework! What’s to stop him putting a wash on before sitting down to game for example

My DH has illnesses too. His health is declining but we work as a team as best we can - we are struggling to stay afloat but we are in it together. It doesn’t mean splitting everything 50/50 - we play to our strengths, eg I do the bulk of the home ed prep (middle child is HE long term not due to covid) because I enjoy it and have a better sense of what DS needs, DH does more of the cooking because he is much more efficient and I’m super clumsy and slow over it. When one of us is in a worse stage than usual the other just tries to manage as best they can.

I think people are being harsh OP.

If your depression was always this bad then maybe you would be being unreasonable to expect your husband to do more than his share.

But it sounds as though your depression is particularly bad at the moment and that this is hopefully a temporary state of affairs. People dont seem to be listening to you when you are saying you're too ill to do it. If you were physically ill they wouldnt be saying that. If my husband was ill either physically or mentally and it wasnt a long term chronic thing that meant we maybe needed to re-evaluate how we lived (eg move somewhere easier as a longer term solution) or even if he was mega busy with work or something, I would like to think I'd step up and do some of his share as well, at least the basics, until it had passed. If this is a regular occurrence or had been going for a long time then yes you may need to change something permanently so that the person doing more than their share doesnt get burnt out.

But to be honest it sounds shit. It doesn't sound like he actually even does his share let alone a bit of your share. Why does he think cooking half the time is doing 'loads'.

Also it's not like you've got 4 kids a load of pets and elderly parents to look after, where him doing a bit more of your share would really lead to burnout quickly. Theres only two of you, and you are still doing some stuff like admin and half the cooking, so doing some of your share of tasks isnt actually going to make a massive difference to him. Doing a tidy and hoover and cleaning a bathroom isn't much to help someone that you love. Either he doesnt give a shit about living in squalor or he thinks it's your job to do anything cleaning related and won't help sort it even though he doesnt like it.

I just think that's what marriage is meant to be about, if one of you is struggling and can't manage stuff for any (valid) reason, the other one should step up and do more...there will be times when he needs your help.

@Iceskatingfan

Having struggled with depression, I think he should be doing more (definitely booking his own drs appts for a start, that’s his job!!). If you had a broken leg or a heart attack he probably would (or would he?) and this is also hopefully a temporary spell of severe illness like that. Having said that unfortunately you can’t go race him, you can only ask. It sounds like you are doing a reasonable amount for someone severely depressed but wonder if you’re also obsessing about it/overworrying about it. If it’s an issue of getting a new cleaner and you’re too overwhelmed to sort this yourself but it would help you why not delegate him this task and explain how much of a burden it would lift from your shoulders while you’re unwell.

I'm not sure I'm over worrying. For example, if I wanted to get dressed right now in clean clothes I couldn't because I don't have any. DH will make a comment like 'we should put a wash on'. But those comments are kind of made into the air and it doesn't mean he'll go and do it. Or he will sometimes, but he'd leave the basket with clean washing in the bedroom and that's where it would stay for weeks, or until I put it away. That is really hard when you are already at your lowest.

To the people telling me to make lists, I can't do that right now. I know it sounds like nothing to you, but that overwhelms me so much I just can't. On some days I feel so bad that I don't eat or drink at all. I take a lot of sick leave. I am just really unwell.

I’d do your own life admin each as it takes minutes a week.everything else 50/50.

I’d take your annual leave whilst he is in his and blitz the house as a house clean is less effort than going to work. Shouldn’t take much to keep on top of after given no children and both at work so there can’t be much to do daily.

OP. Do 1 thing now that will make your life easier tomorrow.

Go to the laundry basket and collect enough clothes for you to have a few clean outfits. Put it in the machine. Relax while it's on. Then when it's finished either hang it out or ask DH to do it.

You only have to do this one task. Nothing else. Help yourself out a little. You're worth it!

It sounds like normally you'd be doing 80% of the housework?

He's cooking half the week, and presumably you cook the other half which is great... but then everything else is your job?

So you are struggling with depression, but cook dinner, sort appointments, etc. He is healthy but can't load a washing machine?
It sounds to me as though he is taking advantage a bit expecting you to keep house as well as work full time - maybe your depression has something to do with his laziness!!
At the very least he should be keeping his own stuff in order, as as you are ill he should be helping with yours too... bringing you a drink and opening curtains does not count as sufficient help!!

if I wanted to get dressed right now in clean clothes I couldn't because I don't have any. DH will make a comment like 'we should put a wash on'. But those comments are kind of made into the air and it doesn't mean he'll go and do it.

So he thinks you should wash his cloths, dry them and put them away for him... and his only contribution is to mention that the washing needs doing....

Your partner should be helping more. If you are both working chores should be split 50/50 at the very least and as you are ill at the moment your partner should be picking up more to help out. A relationship is a partnership and sometimes we need to give more than we take. I went through a period recently with my boyfriend where the stress from work was so awful for him he just completely shut off at home - I picked up the slack to give him some breathing space. He has done the same for me in the past when I was at a low point.

It sounds like your partner only thinks of chores as cooking, dishes and laundry. You need to both sit down and go through all the chores, split them up fairly and he needs to support you! No "we should put a wash on" because he's putting the mental load of that on you, he wants you to tell him to do it or do it yourself. He is not a child, he needs to take the initiative and be proactive.

I'm wondering what we as a community here can do to help you. You say you can't make lists... if someone here made you a list could you follow it? Could we give you specific tasks to do? And be here to support you doing them...(Maybe we could give the lazy dh tasks too?)
What do you think would help?

OP, is there any chance he's depressed too, or is it just that he's a lazy,useless bastard? Because, I mean, you sound in a really bad way, I take it he knows how bad you are feeling? Have you really,properly explained it to him?
I know he works full time, but as you don't have children or animals or elderly parents, there's no reason why he shouldn't be able to step up and bloody put some washing on and clean the fucking bathroom! Really there's no excuse for him to be spending all day playing video games! He's not a teenager!
Don't get me wrong,I know how hard it is living with someone who is really depressed, I really do, but he's not exactly helping is he? Taking on the lions share of the housework and trying to help you get some support would be his priority, I would hope. I hope things improve for you.