AIBU or is DH not doing enough for me

[Bellemb]

DH and I are early 30s and have no DC. Both of us have FT jobs, though I was on sick leave for two months last year. I've always struggled with mental health conditions and also have ASD, but I am currently not coping at all. I've tried to reach out to various healthcare services to no avail, it's got to the point of letters and disputes etc. I'm only mentioning this because I feel that I am trying to help myself, but it's such a big fight and I'm simply exhausted. I am struggling getting out of bed at all and the house is a complete mess. The washing hasn't been done in two weeks for example. I think bathrooms haven't been cleaned since prior to Christmas.

Should I expect DH to do more to help? I don't really know if I'm honest. DH will come and bring me drinks and cook about half the week. He washes up sometimes. He feels that he is doing a lot and I feel guilty about not being able to get myself to do much, but at the same time nothing else is getting done and I'm becoming more and more overwhelmed. I'm still expected to order the groceries and if I don't do life admin, it simply does not happen. So now we both live in borderline squalor and I am not sure whether AIBU. DH is on annual leave and is spending all day playing video games. Of course he needs time to relax, but should he do more to help? I feel bad for asking him as it's been like this for a while and isn't likely to change any time soon.

Oh ffs. An adult should be capable of holding down a job and keeping their home clean and functioning.

Lots of us didn’t learn these skills growing up and had to figure it out. How did he manage before he had a partner to clean his toilet and wash his pants?

There are literally hundreds of women on here holding down jobs, keeping their houses functioning to a decent level and raising dc alone.

There are always going to be periods where one partner cannot pull half the load, or where the load gets heavier and people have to step up for a while.

I know it’s a MN trope to say “don’t have dc with this man” but seriously.

So yes, in short, he absolutely should be doing more.

I’m wading through the unending process of trying to secure meaningful help for my suicidal asd ds and I have such sympathy for what you must be going through trying to get help for yourself. Hugs

But, rant over, LittleOwl makes a good point.

My list suggestion (for your Dh) is:

Everyday - do dishes, empty bins, pick up and put away, squirt bleach in toilet and do one load of laundry.

Once a week- change bed and wash, clean bathroom, hoover house, mop floors, clean kitchen counters (including under things) with an antibacterial spray.

That is achievable in under an hour.

I also suggest he writes out ten meals to use as a meal plan and shopping guide. Simplify lunches to sandwiches and soup. Simplify breakfast to toast and cereal.

That is the bones of household management in a crisis.

Bravo thelego.
As well as getting your husband to step up and take care of you and the house, you should also be signed off work properly to concentrate on getting yourself the proper medical help you need, which your DH should also be helping you with. As the thelego is, and I have been doing for a family member. Maybe with a little push in the right direction you can start to get on the right track with the right help

You're nasty, the OP is clearly overwhelmed and has ASD so may really struggle with executive function. And you're not sorry at all so you're also a liar
Erm no I'm not a liar, I am sorry op is struggling. But not cleaning the bathrooms for over 2 months is nasty and there's no excuse for why her partner hasn't done that. Surely cleaning the bathroom is a priority. He's being mean and lazy and it's nasty he's happy to live like that

Contact a cleaning firm who specialises in sorting out houses that need extra work and pay for one big clean and sort out so then hopefully between you both you can stay on top by each having a Rota of chores.
You have the energy to come on here,you have the energy to contact the cleaners.
Agree with your dp as to who does what.
Contact your go again,many now have mh teams attached to work with you.
You can makes these steps,you really can.
Take one step now,just the one.
Then tomorrow take another,don't stop to think you can't,think 'I can and I will" .
I know it's extremely difficult but you wanted it enough to ask for advice so now make that start
Good luck.

@KarmaStar

Contact a cleaning firm who specialises in sorting out houses that need extra work and pay for one big clean and sort out so then hopefully between you both you can stay on top by each having a Rota of chores. You have the energy to come on here,you have the energy to contact the cleaners. Agree with your dp as to who does what. Contact your go again,many now have mh teams attached to work with you. You can makes these steps,you really can. Take one step now,just the one. Then tomorrow take another,don't stop to think you can't,think 'I can and I will" . I know it's extremely difficult but you wanted it enough to ask for advice so now make that start Good luck.

You are being a bit naïve on that front honestly. Coming on here is very different from finding, contacting and organising a cleaning firm to come over, and I don't have a 'go between'. I said in my opening post that I'm not getting any help with my issues, it's not for lack of trying trust me. That's why I'm at the point of disputes. These things are all extremely exhausting and it is not just about taking steps, I've done that hundreds of times. I just hope you will never have to be in that situation.

To others, DH is definitely not depressed. He's just someone who doesn't seem to do things without being told exactly what to do, and sometimes thinks he should only be doing something if others are also doing something. I came on here because I wasn't quite sure whether I was just being a diva or too ill to see that I was being unreasonable. I love him, but I think maybe now I'm trying to figure out how I could make him see that he doesn't do all that much, without hurting his feelings. He gets sad if he feels that he isn't helpful, and that upsets me too. At the same time I wish I had someone to lean on in situations like this, and I don't always feel I do. I think DH likes living in a clean house, but not to the point where he'll clean it. If I'd ask him to sort out a new cleaner he'd end up saying he doesn't know what to do, but I don't think he realises how much effort all this thinking about things takes. He cooks, but only if the ingredients are right in front of him. He probably has his own executive function issues, but I'm just not able to manage him at the moment. He's never really lived on his own.

OP, I have ASD and it's just me and DH. Yes, your DH should be stepping up more. I had a really bad episode last week and he did all the cooking and laundry, gently encouraged me outside and helped me get my equilibrium back. I know what it's like to be totally overwhelmed and shutdown.

We have a cleaner - in the end after failing to find one myself a few years ago (huge social communication issues), I contacted an agency and they sorted it out for me. Can you, or your DH, do this? Writing an email might be easier. If you want I can PM you the agency that we use (national franchise). I have found them to be pretty ASD-friendly (i.e. I can deal with everything via email, they are very low contact and the one time we had someone who did a very poor job the agency lady found us a replacement (amazing) cleaner).

Your DH needs to be stepping up to the plate - "in sickness and in health". I'd also recommend getting yourself signed off work via the GP. You need some space to recover.

@thelegohooverer thank you, that is really quite helpful. I don't think he's ever really done any of that stuff, if I'm honest. It sounds a little embarrassing. Basically DH will wait until after everything has come to breaking point before doing something, and say 'I didn't clean it up either'. That's a little bit of a pattern. I'm not the best myself with this kind of thing, but I'm someone who is extremely tidy when it's already tidy. As soon as it slips I panic a little, and DH is never there to pick up any of the slack before it's too late. At that point it becomes almost impossible for me to manage. He means well, but I struggle. It's a bit like having your 8 year old DC make you breakfast and be all proud, and then you go to the kitchen and it's a nuclear waste site.

Cross-posted with your latest update. Your DH sounds useless - did his Mum do everything for him? I mean, how does he genuinely think things will get done, if he doesn't do them?

Re this: He cooks, but only if the ingredients are right in front of him. If your finances allow, could you point him in the direction of something like Hello Fresh for a fortnight, or Cook meals (they deliver to the house), so you can start a bit of a reset for your own health.

@AdventureIsWaiting probably. Then he lived in fully catered accomodation for a while.

Could you also Have ADHD? I only ask as the impact on mistreating ad mental health issue (I'm not in any way saying you don't have mental health issues btw) The over whelm can be paralysing. The medication to help can be life changing. Just a thought.

OK. I'm sat here supervising home school for the next couple of hours. I am happy to provide some 'executive function' to your day and help you get things started - if that will be of use?
If you can get dh on board too?

@LittleOwl153

OK. I'm sat here supervising home school for the next couple of hours. I am happy to provide some 'executive function' to your day and help you get things started - if that will be of use? If you can get dh on board too?

That's the thing I'm struggling with. I don't know how to make DH see that this is an issue? Other than thinking I'm sick, it's crap, I guess she'll get better eventually.

That all sounds really sad.

@Bellemb sorry I have only just seen this got dragged into schoolwork... I didn't mean I woudl only help if you could get DH onboard - I meant I'd be happy to prompt him too if it would help... I needed a comma in there!

Anyway the offer still stands....
(and I have a fair few days of homeschooling still to go...)

It's not doing it for you, it should be for both your benefits to pull your weight. If you're not doing much and then nothing gets done, it means that he wasn't ever pulling his weight at all

Both of you work- so in an ideal world the household stuff should be 50/50.

Make a plan: first pay a cleaner to do a deep clean then have them every week for a couple of hours.
Sit down with DP and agree a list of stuff that needs doing - laundry- tidying (cleaners don't tidy!) etc
Share the cooking. Whoever doesn't cook, clears up afterwards.

Things like Hellofresh and Gusto make meal planning much easier.

All this life-work should be shared equally, he is not "helping you" or doing you a favour by washing up, you are not a live in servant and him the boss, but equal partners in the home.

Make a list op of what needs to be done. Sit in bed and write the list. Then get a cleaner to come in and assign a lot to her. Once that huge list is decreasing you might be able to find a bit of difference mentally. It seems overwhelming at the moment but one tiny step at a time. Your dh sounds like he might be depressed and overwhelmed too.

You both sound lazy to be honest. Stop making excuses and set a timer for 15 minutes and clean then sit down again for another 10 minutes. Then do the same again. If you are able to get up to go to the toilet you are able to do some light housework. You dont have to clean the whole bathroom in one day just clean the sink one day then the bath the next day. Start getting dressed every day and watching some youtube videos of people cleaning to motivate you. Where do you think you'll end up if you carry on as you are ?

Even if you weren't depressed, e is not doing enough. He cooks occasionally, and empties the dishwasher now and again? FFS. That's not him being a particularly supportive partner, even if you were 100% mentally well.

I think most responses on here have been very moderate. Personally, I'm inclined to suspect your life would be a lot better without him. If nothing else, you might not clean very often but with only one person making the mess, it would be less bad in the first place.

Can't you just get a cleaner in?

I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time.

Without knowing your partner it's impossible to say if he's unreasonable.

I'm heavily pregnant and my partner does the vast majority of the housework, works full time in a senior role and he does his share of childcare for our two kids as well as games most evenings. BUT his mental health is well and he's an energetic, motivated personality generally.

I think your current situation isn't sustainable. You cannot, for much longer, sustain staying in bed, unable to make yourself drinks etc and leave the housework much longer without it turning into a self neglect case.

You say you've reached out. I think you need to keep doing this. What does the GP say when you tell them you are bed bound? I'm surprised you've been left with no support.

Are you currently working? Or signed off?

Something needs to change, however unhelpful that is I'm sure, I think you both need to focus on getting you the right support or medication to feel able to cope again as that's the real issue. Not who does the housework.

@Oneweekleft

You both sound lazy to be honest. Stop making excuses and set a timer for 15 minutes and clean then sit down again for another 10 minutes. Then do the same again. If you are able to get up to go to the toilet you are able to do some light housework. You dont have to clean the whole bathroom in one day just clean the sink one day then the bath the next day. Start getting dressed every day and watching some youtube videos of people cleaning to motivate you. Where do you think you'll end up if you carry on as you are ?

Was it necessary for you to be nasty? I don't know where I'll end up. I'll die I suppose, either from self-neglect or maybe I'll touch something gross and get an infection?

It doesn't look like he's even doing half the chores and in my view it shouldn't be bloody 50/50 it should be whatever each can handle which may end up 75/25. Fairness isn't the same as equality/equal amount. Fairness is about what each person needs/can handle.
He should definitely support you more.
If I was in your shoes I'd expect my DH to do most of the work. When I've been feeling shit because of pregnancy or newborns keeping me awake all night (done that 4 times so it has happened quite a bit over decent stretches of time) DH has taken on the bulk of the work. I've done what I could and it meant relaxing a bit my standards but the house was generally clean and tidy and most of the life admin was sorted.
It's what a marriage is for, to support each other, through good times and shit times. It seems like he wants to continue to have a good time despite you being shit. Well in my view it doesn't work like that.

@Oneweekleft

You both sound lazy to be honest. Stop making excuses and set a timer for 15 minutes and clean then sit down again for another 10 minutes. Then do the same again. If you are able to get up to go to the toilet you are able to do some light housework. You dont have to clean the whole bathroom in one day just clean the sink one day then the bath the next day. Start getting dressed every day and watching some youtube videos of people cleaning to motivate you. Where do you think you'll end up if you carry on as you are ?

Ffs what's wrong with you? They ran out of empathy when you were born? I hope that you don't ever need help, support and understanding from others. Actually no that's not true I hope karma catches up with you.

Why are you in charge of all the house work?

Even though he works full time, why is he not able to do the laundry or clean. Plenty of people work, have kids, no support and manage to run the washing machine.

TBH, you sound very mismatched.

It sounds like he’s doing nearly everything already. It must be exhausting for him and no, I don’t think he should clean the bathrooms instead of taking some time to relax and look after his own mental health.

I think you need to sit down together and divide up chores and responsibilities fairly, obviously taking your illness into account. Take a graded approach, so you have a few tasks to do each day and a structure to follow.

It sounds like you haven’t received proper treatment for your MH. Why is your GP not prescribing different meds or referring you to services?