AIBU or is DH not doing enough for me

[Bellemb]

DH and I are early 30s and have no DC. Both of us have FT jobs, though I was on sick leave for two months last year. I've always struggled with mental health conditions and also have ASD, but I am currently not coping at all. I've tried to reach out to various healthcare services to no avail, it's got to the point of letters and disputes etc. I'm only mentioning this because I feel that I am trying to help myself, but it's such a big fight and I'm simply exhausted. I am struggling getting out of bed at all and the house is a complete mess. The washing hasn't been done in two weeks for example. I think bathrooms haven't been cleaned since prior to Christmas.

Should I expect DH to do more to help? I don't really know if I'm honest. DH will come and bring me drinks and cook about half the week. He washes up sometimes. He feels that he is doing a lot and I feel guilty about not being able to get myself to do much, but at the same time nothing else is getting done and I'm becoming more and more overwhelmed. I'm still expected to order the groceries and if I don't do life admin, it simply does not happen. So now we both live in borderline squalor and I am not sure whether AIBU. DH is on annual leave and is spending all day playing video games. Of course he needs time to relax, but should he do more to help? I feel bad for asking him as it's been like this for a while and isn't likely to change any time soon.

You’re unwell. Forget the housework. Do the basics: are you leaving the house everyday for a walk (just to the end of the road and back)?

You sound in a bad place, I'm really
Sorry, I hope you feel better soon 💐 are you on medication?
Sounds like you have all the mental load of the housework and I know it can be daunting and exhausting just thinking about it all. You do one thing and feel like you are getting somewhere but the next day it's back to square one. Especially if he doesn't clean up after himself (much like my DH) it never ends.
Are you on sick leave now? Or still working?

Can you ask DH to find a new cleaner? If you can't afford a regular cleaner could
You get a one off clean? At least then you can get on top of it and then keep on top
Of it together?

oneweek You really have no idea about depression do you. The fact that op is here trying to get help by talking it through is a step itself.

@LittleOwl153 thank you for your kindness. Really it means a lot. I think I'm starting to realize that actually my DH is quite unhelpful.

What are the chores you'd expect to have to be done on a weekly basis for a normal household of two adults? I think what's been happening is that even when I am well I can't always keep up, and we had help so perhaps the situation was like this: I did 40% of the physical chores, DH did 15% and the cleaner did 30%, and the remaining 15% didn't get done. But I do 100% of the mental chores on top of that. So now I can't do those mental chores because of my health, we have no cleaner and DH does some (but not all) of my 40%. But if he only ever did 15% and now does 30%, he thinks he's done loads, but in reality there's 70% of the chores left.

Sorry for all of that weirdness, but that is the only way I can try to picture what is happening. I feel physically sick a lot of a time too so that makes it hard to move around, but I don't think DH understands what mental chores are maybe? To him 50/50 would be I tell him what needs to be done, make sure everything is bought, prepped and ready for that, and then he'll do half of whatever list I give him. That is why I end up booking his doctor's appointments, that's part of the 'mental' chores.

I just can't do it right now. My head is so full, I'm about to be sick and I can barely keep awake all day. if you or anyone has some kind of list or something I could show him that tells you all the stuff you should be doing in a week, I wonder how much of it he could tick. I've talked to him about mental load and stuff before, but he acknowledges it and nothing changes. He's very visual, so perhaps it would help a little.

Don't worry about the title and not being a mum, if you can manage to do a bit each day and work from lists, the Organised Mum method might help you.

The aim is to do 30 mins housework a day Monday to Friday, plus a load of washing a day if necessary. She also talks about quick vacuum and bathroom clean each day, but I don't think that's necessary if there's only two of you.

There's the messy house bootcamp and clutter buster to try and get up to speed if things are really bad, but don't worry too much about those, just dive into the rest of it.

www.theorganisedmum.blog/free-printables/

There's also a podcast, and Facebook group, that might help.

But definitely expect DH to do at least half. You both live there and both work FT, so 50/50 for cleaning, cooking, laundry and life admin is the default expectation. If anything, he should do more because you're not well. What's his reason for doing hardly anything except hinting that you should do more?

I heard about these cards not so long ago. They cover everything needed to run a home, although without DC, obviously some won't apply.

www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards/cpe

If you click on each card, it gives more detail about the frequency, importance, effort etc.

@Riapia

According to an item on R4 a Chinese woman has been awarded £5000 and £200 per month because her husband didn’t pull his weight around the house.

He has to pay her that money?

There's also the Organised Mum app, which is fully customisable and can be run by two people, so I think you could use it to share jobs.

@Bellemb There are many lists, and things like the organised mum method works for some. But the mental load doesn't really show in lists like that as it is more about cleaning than thinking. Sadly many men lack the ability to share the mental load so you are certainly not on your own there.

You mentioned to him it is about equal time. Maybe this is your key. So you spend 30 mins doing 'stuff' which includes the mental side...

Who is cooking dinner tonight?

@Slaphead3000 if you read through my posts you'd see that I said I do what I can. I am not in bed all day every day. Yesterday I cooked dinner, did the washing up and booked DH a doctor's appointment. DH made breakfast.

Today I am not feeling well so I am in bed. DH is cooking dinner and also cooked breakfast. He may or may not do the washing up.

Oh op, I feel your pain in the deepest part of my soul. Don't let anybody on this thread make you feel lazy. When I feel depressed it's like my whole body is under a heavy weight that I can't lift, how ever much I want to. Making a phone call can be too much, as can just thinking about making dinner. I make it work with my Dh at times like this by giving very specific, bite size instructions to him (no list, just verbal as I think of it). Yes, it's still me doing the mental load, but it's physically easier on my body. He, on the other hand, doesn't have to think as hard. Would you DH be able to carry out small tasks one by one?

OK so dh is cooking dinner. I take it he will not feel the need to do anything else today?

Are you stuck in bed today or could you manage to get up for a bit?
When is your next shopping order due?

OP, depression is hard and your DP should be looking after you when you’re so poorly.

Posters who think you’re just being lazy should is should read ‘depression’ as ‘broken your arms and legs’.

It sounds like a cleaner would really help - could your DP be the one to organise it?

In terms of a list of the bare minimum things that need to be done every week I think it’s:
Grocery shopping
Cooking - could you have ready meals for a while or other things which are easy to prepare like tinned soup? Or making double portions for the freezer?
Laundry - washing, drying and putting away
Washing up/dealing with dishwasher
Taking out the bin
Cleaning the toilet
Wiping up spills/crumbs
If you’re spending a lot of time in bed you might want to change the sheets weekly too, otherwise fortnightly is fine.

I think 'mental load lists' are probably too individual for anyone to try to do/find an example tbh OP. You could try making a note each time you think of/do one in day to day life though, it would be a pretty long list pretty damn quickly I suspect.

He's doing what a lot of men seem to do sadly, essentially making you 'mum' and therefore responsible for telling him what he has to do rather than actually being an adult and figuring it out for himself. It's exhausting having to project-manage him and the running of your lives/household but can be incredibly difficult to get across to someone who refuses to see that this kind of work actually exists, because it is, essentially, invisible work.

If you can manage to do a list it will obviously be full of 'think about x, decide on y, organise z' type stuff which he will no doubt dismiss as 'nothing' jobs, until you say 'ok then, you do them', when they will suddenly become super-hard and there will be reasons why he 'simply can't manage' them. That's the point where you hammer home that someone has to do them and it shouldn't always be you.

None of this is going to be easy when you're battling depression but nothing will even begin to change until your DH acknowledges that he doesn't in fact 'do loads', he does a tiny fraction of what needs to be done and you are not able (nor should you be willing) to pick up the rest. I've been where you are with the house btw, mine is still a work in progress but so much better than it was, there is hope and things won't always be this hard

@Slaphead3000 it’s not about what OP is “prepared to” do, she is ill and it’s what she’s capable of doing - which might not be anything.

@Slaphead3000

I have read through your comments and it sounds like you do even less than the bare minimum.

It's beyond grim that he lives like that too but you can't expect him to do more than you're prepared to.

Why don't you fuck off? Have you read OP's posts? It is blindingly obvious she is in the grip of a very deep depression and is receiving no treatment or support whatsoever, and her husband, far from looking after her, appears to be about as much use as a chocolate teapot. If you have nothing useful to offer, why don't you just do one?

OP you posted this earlier- keep posting and getting support here-ignore the knobheads-soon you'll feel strong enough to tackle your DH about what he SHOULD be doing to help you both

@LittleOwl153 thank you for your kindness. Really it means a lot. I think I'm starting to realize that actually my DH is quite unhelpful.

OP I'm sorry that you are feeling like this. Depression really can be crippling

However, your partner really just sounds lazy and useless. Stop thinking of it as helping you, and tell him to grow up and start acting like an adult. It's his home to so he should be cleaning it. He sounds very selfish

Okay, so there are two immediate criteria:

Clean the toilet
A load of clothes.

Can you manage one if he does the other?

Tomorrow:
Clean the sink and shower
Another load of laundry

The day after:
Kitchen and bathroom floors
Kitchen sides cleared and cleared

Add to that each day: washing up, put out bins, deal with post, cooking.

That's two daily tasks each, plus one extra.

Each evening agree the next day's extras together.

Under normal circumstances it should be 50/50

However, when one person is ill, be it physically or mentally, the other just gets on and does it.

Point him in the direction of Flylady or the Organised Mum Method (both online) and tell him to crack on.

It'll probably make you feel a tiny bit better.

But your GP really needs to be helping you.

Tbh I feel sorry for both of you. I feel sorry for you OP because obviously you’re having a hard time. But I also feel sorry for your husband because living with someone with mental health issues to your severity is very challenging. Even if he doesn’t have depression your low spouts can make him feel low in general too and that can also lead to his productivity.

Tbh I think you need a cleaner, the both of you are obviously struggling to cope. If contacting a cleaning team is too much yourself, could you possibly ask a family member/friend to organise one on your behalf OP?x