AIBU or is DH not doing enough for me

[Bellemb]

DH and I are early 30s and have no DC. Both of us have FT jobs, though I was on sick leave for two months last year. I've always struggled with mental health conditions and also have ASD, but I am currently not coping at all. I've tried to reach out to various healthcare services to no avail, it's got to the point of letters and disputes etc. I'm only mentioning this because I feel that I am trying to help myself, but it's such a big fight and I'm simply exhausted. I am struggling getting out of bed at all and the house is a complete mess. The washing hasn't been done in two weeks for example. I think bathrooms haven't been cleaned since prior to Christmas.

Should I expect DH to do more to help? I don't really know if I'm honest. DH will come and bring me drinks and cook about half the week. He washes up sometimes. He feels that he is doing a lot and I feel guilty about not being able to get myself to do much, but at the same time nothing else is getting done and I'm becoming more and more overwhelmed. I'm still expected to order the groceries and if I don't do life admin, it simply does not happen. So now we both live in borderline squalor and I am not sure whether AIBU. DH is on annual leave and is spending all day playing video games. Of course he needs time to relax, but should he do more to help? I feel bad for asking him as it's been like this for a while and isn't likely to change any time soon.

*effect his productivity

slap I'm guessing you missed the parts where she said some days she eats or drinks nothing all day and the bathrooms haven't been cleaned since before Christmas? You're being completely obtuse and picking out bits to suit your silly agenda. Have you ever been properly depressed?

Op, I don’t know how to say it but your husbands behaviour is not normal either. So I’d not be too hard on him because of what you describe. He doesn’t know what to do, he needs to be told, he’s basically living in squalor. You know why you don’t and can’t do it, but there is more to why he can’t and doesn’t than I think you realise.

Even if lazy he wouldn’t live like this. So I’d say it sounds like he also has some form of mental health or executive processing disorder, which think say said is likely for the latter?

If you both can’t do it, and he can’t work out what to do, and you’re both overwhelmed then I think thr first step is sitting down together and working out how to employ a cleaner together.

If you can both manage to achieve this one task, then your lives will become infinitely easier.

I have ASD and live with my partner, both doing FT stressful jobs at home.

I would say when I’m on a “good” week, we do 50:50 but when I’m struggling, he definitely steps up and does at least 70%. Quite often we agree certain jobs that can be left also. In addition to this, he lets me cherry pick jobs that are more manageable for me so I do dusting because it’s quiet, ironing because I can watch TV at the same time and most of the cooking because I enjoy it.
I haven’t touched the hoover, cleaned the bathroom or been in a supermarket since the day he moved in. He steps in and does any of my jobs at any times. Somedays he has to do some more “caring” type tasks for me too- so bringing me food and drink when I literally can’t move and helping me with any meltdowns/shutdowns.

He’s pretty much my hero but I always make it clear to him that when I can’t do anything I only expect him to do enough to keep us surviving. I also then focus really hard on getting back to a place where I can help him again.

Both of jobs are getting more stressful as we progress so once the pandemic is done we will be getting a cleaner to give us more down time together, reduce the burden on him and also reduce my guilt at his caring tasks!

I just think it’s like a physical disability. He wouldn’t expect you to do these tasks if you had a physical disability that made it impossible. The attitude that you should just push through a mental health/ASD issue is pressurising and usually makes you feel worse and therefore delays any kind of recovery so is counterproductive!

Hi, firstly I hope things soon begin to improve for you.

I have physical disabilities and am currently undergoing CBT on the nhs for depression and anxiety.

Some days are better than others.
My husband is amazing.
He shops/cooks/does housework etc etc.

We both work full time opposing shifts, and I would be unable to do this if my husband didn’t take most of the load at home.

Some days I don’t get out of bed at all.

I try very very hard to do what I can. More often than not that is very little indeed.

I do have to encourage my husband to rest, he’s very much a doer but he will play the PlayStation and have a whisky in the evening to rest.

I think it’s very hard to find a balance. For those that aren’t in the situation they simply don’t get it.

You need a plan for bare minimum each day/week.

More than that you need to be kind to each other.

If he feels you are pushing to do what you can when you are able maybe he will be more inclined to help when you can’t.

I realise I am extremely fortunate but I always always try my best to do what I can when I can.

While the kettle boils I do some washing up or load dishwasher. After I do a wee I wipe the sink. 20 mins seems like forever when your in pain physically or mentally but 5 mins little and often incorporated into your daily routine soon makes a difference.

Talk talk and talk some more.

@Slaphead3000 clearly you know nothing about what it’s like to be depressed. Why are you posting? You’re not helping anyone.
The mental load is a well known idea that you could easily have found online. Read this comic: www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

OP are you medicated for your depression?

I can see where some of the vipers are coming from, mental health is so emotive. I've been to rock bottom more times than I care to remember so I do understand, however you can't live in squalor. If you had kids, people would be saying that was neglect. My saving grace in my early years of the rock bottom was when I was a single parent. I had to get up, I had to do washing, I had to cook. I lived for bedtime every day so I could get back into bed.

Medicated or not if by your own choice, doctors will always say exercise ie go for a walk. I do feel a difference once I've been dragged out the house some days by DH and the kids but then I'll come back and happily Potter round doing house stuff. Trust me I know the "wanting to hide in bed" no motivation etc.

I don't doubt your ASD is complicating matters as well but you need to just start small. You've said already you can cook and empty the dishwasher so you are capable.

@Slaphead3000 I'll say this slowly and clearly. IT ISN'T POSSIBLE FOR HER TO 'SNAP OUT' OF HER DEPRESSION
You really should stop posting,you're making more of a fool of yourself with every post.

@Bluntness100

Op, I don’t know how to say it but your husbands behaviour is not normal either. So I’d not be too hard on him because of what you describe. He doesn’t know what to do, he needs to be told, he’s basically living in squalor. You know why you don’t and can’t do it, but there is more to why he can’t and doesn’t than I think you realise.

Even if lazy he wouldn’t live like this. So I’d say it sounds like he also has some form of mental health or executive processing disorder, which think say said is likely for the latter?

If you both can’t do it, and he can’t work out what to do, and you’re both overwhelmed then I think thr first step is sitting down together and working out how to employ a cleaner together.

If you can both manage to achieve this one task, then your lives will become infinitely easier.

I'd second a executive processing problem, but not a mental health issue. DH is really quite happy. Of course there are times where he feels upset or demotivated because of my illness, but DH has been like this all of the time, I've just failed to notice maybe? Or perhaps I was even excited to feel like someone needed me? When I was younger that is. I've tried to get him to see how much of a burden it can be for me, but not successfully. He's otherwise loving, but he doesn't think he has a problem.

Whilst I am really quite badly affected by my surroundings and will have a meltdown sometimes from the idea of having to get up due to what the house looks like and what I can't do right now, DH is more like he doesn't notice much is wrong until it directly affects him. He'll frequently run out of underwear before he'll go as far as to even think a wash might need doing. The windows in this house have never been cleaned, despite me mentioning multiple times to please get a window cleaner. We've lived here for five years. If I asked DH to do the shopping for example, I'd get this:

'What website is it?' 'How so I login?' 'Should I buy this?' 'Do you think we should get that?' 'What kind of stuff do you think we could eat?' 'Do we need...' it goes on and on, so it's not really taking away any of my stress at all. This is a tech savvy guy and it's not the first time I would have asked him to do the shopping. He doesn't even notice he does this. When I booked his appointment, he still asked me at least seven questions about 'what he should do'. It adds to my exhaustion even if he means well. I have a simple food allergy for example, and though DH knows about it, he's bought something to cook with that particular item in it on multiple occasions, because he just forgot until I pointed it out. He will be briefly sad that he 'messed up', but then he'll be fine and happily do the same thing again.

DH loves his job, socialises (online now due to the pandemic), takes time for his hobbies and generally looks happy and healthy. I'm not saying that means he definitely is, but I know him pretty well and he doesn't seem mentally unwell to me. It's also not as if he isn't emotionally supportive, but when it comes to practical support, which would help me far more at this point, he doesn't seem to know (or want to know).

I didn't mention it before because I didn't want to seem to much like I'm just moaning and making excuses, but I've been at work in bed (or trying to at minimum) this entire week. DH has been on annual leave since the 15th, because he's got too much leave and has to use it. So at the moment it is not as if he's coming home tired from work and I've been doing nothing all day. Typing that has already made me feel like a bad person though. I wish I was just not so rubbish.

Good morning @Bellemb!

OK so you are awake. Whats the agenda looking like today? Are you working? What time do you start? Who's doing breakfast?

Op, I think your partner needs some support which, because you’re unwell, you can’t provide him with. Would he be willing to find a support group for carers and seek some advice from charities (maybe someone can suggest one specifically for those caring for those with depression)?

@Oneweekleft

You both sound lazy to be honest. Stop making excuses and set a timer for 15 minutes and clean then sit down again for another 10 minutes. Then do the same again. If you are able to get up to go to the toilet you are able to do some light housework. You dont have to clean the whole bathroom in one day just clean the sink one day then the bath the next day. Start getting dressed every day and watching some youtube videos of people cleaning to motivate you. Where do you think you'll end up if you carry on as you are ?

Ffs, have you no idea how utterly debilitating depression and other MH conditions can be?

When someone already feels shit, telling them off only makes them worse.

ok, so assuming he’s not malicious or lazy, then if he genuinely can’t process how to do these things, then it does indicate there is an executive function issue.

And that changes things op. Because it’s not about should he do more. It’s about is he mentally capable of doing more, and if so, how do you both achieve this.

In addition, to look happy regularly when your partner is seriously ill and can’t get out of bed, is fairly unusual. So that leads to three conclusions. One he doesn’t care. Two he doesn’t understand or three, he’s pretending to be happy so as not to burden you further. Because living with someone very ill is hard. Very hard. So being as happy as Larry is not a normal behaviour, and there will be more behind that.

All in where I’m trying to drill down to, is you need help, but is he actually able to provide it, or is he also significantly struggling and masking it.

It does sound like it’s the latter, he is unable to process what’s required, and potentially may have his own issues. It’s not normal to ask multiple questions about going to the doctors. Being able to do your job does not mean you can fully function as an independent adult in other life skills. And it does appear he is unable to function fully as an independent adult.

You’re rightly focused on you and your neeeds. Where as he is primarily falling down a rabbit hole of tech and games. And the wider issues and how to resolve them don’t really figure strongly in his brain.

So I’d come at it from a different angle, accept he also is incapable, albeit for different reasons, and come up with a plan together, taking baby steps, to move forward.

First up. Hire a cleaner, sit together and map out what you need to do to achieve this. The next day one of you makes some calls, break it down into bite size chunks, until you’ve achieved it. Small steps forward will help you both.

Like PPs, I think getting someone in to deep clean is a good idea. Once a mess has got really bad, it seems insurmountable. And having it clean and tidy will help you feel better. It's clearly bothering you, and being bothered won't help your recovery.

Once it's clean and tidy, a little bit of cleaning as you both go along will keep it that way. For example, wiping the bathroom basin with a cloth after each use takes next to no effort (I favour microfibre cloths, as you don't need to use any cleaning fluid), toothpaste etc wipes straight off a wet basin. Shower spray after each use will keep the shower clean, the same microfibre cloth can be used for the ring round the bath. Wrap a towel round you, and you'll be dry by the time you've done it. Lav cleaner down the pan last thing at night will render your bog clean next time it's flushed.

But you BOTH have to do this or it's futile. Suggest it to your DH, he has to buy into it too.

Do you have space for a diswasher? I wouldn't be without mine. It's like a cupboard for dirty dishes, so they don't get you down simply be being all over the worktops. Once a day or two, drop a tablet in, press a button, an hour or two later, clean dishes and no cluttered work surfaces.

If you have clear work surfaces, they're easy to keep that way. I tend to wipe a section while I'm waiting for the kettle to boil or the tea to brew. By the time I've had 3 or 4 cups of tea, they're all done. The next day, I do the same with the cupboard doors. Your DH could do this while he makes the tea he brings you.

A weekly cleaner to do the floors, the stove, dust and maybe change the bedding and that only really leaves the laundry, the online shop and the cooking. I'd go down the one cooks, the other clears route.

Because things have reached a poor state, it makes the whole problem seem massive even for people with good MH, so it's bound to seem insurmountable to you. Getting things into a good state and then breaking things down into tiny tasks will be easier.

I'm a lazy fucker and capable of being a complete slattern, and I know all too well how easy it is for something to seem so grim that you don't know where to start. Doing a little bit regularly makes it much easier. I've suffered from pretty severe depression a couple of times too, so I empathise.

Stop focusing on your dh and what he is or isn't doing. It might be the wrong time to tell you that your relationship sounds dysfunctional, but you probably already know. It seems that he isn't supporting you at all in your depression and see your inaction as a choice rather than an illness.

Is there any family or friends you could go stay with for a while? I think you need distance to see how much his behaviour and lack of support is impacting on your depression.

Honestly it sounds like you would be better off single because at least then its only you you would have to clean up after.

I'm really upset for you that he won't do the washing or clean the bathrooms. There really is no excuse for that for someone who is well and spends annual leave gaming.

Seriously you're worth more and I know you probably feel like you have got the headspace to deal with the relationship ending but it's already over and its bringing you further down.

It is so difficult when both partners have executive function issues. I have major struggles with EF, diagnosis of autism helped me understand this a bit but it was adhd meds that helped more.

The attitude needs to be there too though - if he won’t talk about it or try and work with you to figure out how improve things then that’s an attitude problem not an EF problem. Making improvements is so hard - my DH has difficulties too and we’ve tried countless routines etc, he’s more practically minded than me but we always communicate about how to improve. He’s had phases of “what’s the point we may as well just live like this” at his most depressed, but he could still see that wasn’t right IYSWIM.

@Ivyr0se

Stop focusing on your dh and what he is or isn't doing. It might be the wrong time to tell you that your relationship sounds dysfunctional, but you probably already know. It seems that he isn't supporting you at all in your depression and see your inaction as a choice rather than an illness.

Is there any family or friends you could go stay with for a while? I think you need distance to see how much his behaviour and lack of support is impacting on your depression.

Honestly it sounds like you would be better off single because at least then its only you you would have to clean up after.

I'm really upset for you that he won't do the washing or clean the bathrooms. There really is no excuse for that for someone who is well and spends annual leave gaming.

Seriously you're worth more and I know you probably feel like you have got the headspace to deal with the relationship ending but it's already over and its bringing you further down.

It's not true that he is completely unsupportive. He listens to me and tries to cheer me up. He'll do massages and the like. He is not some kind of constant source of negativity in my life, and I hope I am not in his either.

@LittleOwl153 I was very tired yesterday so I wasn't up much. We had takeaway for the entire day, but I think DH is cooking today. I asked him yesterday whether he could get a cleaner over, to which he said yes, but did no, so it'll have to be me doing it on a day I feel well enough. I don't know whether that will be anytime soon.

To others who asked, yes I am medicated. I also have a dishwasher, but that doesn't make it easier per se. I think DH is filling the thing at the moment.

@Bellemb no problem. How's it going today?

Maybe if you have the funds to pay a cleaner, before you eat that one sorted could you find someone who will do your laundry? Even as a one off I think the clean clothes thing appears to be a sticking point for you so maybe sorting that would help? You can probably do that one online...

Is he back at work next week?

eat=get in the world of autocorrect!!

Really sounds like ADHD