To let my death get in the way of life....

[feedmegin]

I cannot enjoy my life because I’m too afraid of death.

I don’t think there is a day that goes by when I don’t think about death.

I wake in the middle of the night and suddenly become aware that one day, I just won’t be here.
I struggle to accept that my non existence is going to be eternal.
It literally petrifies me.

I try to imagine what it’s going to feel like but it just sends me into panic when I try.

It’s making me feel really miserable and I’m struggling to find enjoyment in life because, well what’s the point if we’re just going to die.

I feel like I’m just waiting for the day that darkness will be my forever. 😭

I’ve felt like this for years now and it’s not going away.

I lost my friend vert suddenly 12 years ago, and I think this triggered my fear.

I have panic attacks if I have to go to funerals and I couldn’t ever imagine seeing someone dead.

I don’t know how I’m ever going to enjoy life because what is there to enjoy when death is just there waiting to take us.

I think you need some counselling for this, specifically CBT. Can you afford some sessions privately?

I have periods of panicking about dying, more so since I was diagnosed with a lifelong condition that won't necessarily end my life early but definitely put the reality of my mortality right in front of me. But I don't think about it often enough for it to have an impact on my day to day life, if it did I would be considering speaking to the GP about counselling options and perhaps anti anxiety meds. Is this something you have considered? It sounds really tough for you.

@cheezy

I think you need some counselling for this, specifically CBT. Can you afford some sessions privately?

@cheezy

I’m just not sure how that will help. Death is still going to be there and I can’t tolerate that. 😭

OP you need therapy..... I say that as someone who also has death anxiety and have done since my late teens.

I nearly died 4.5 years ago when I had my twins but immediately moved into parent survival mode and didn't deal with it at all until 2 years ago when I had my first ever anxiety attack. I went to the doc and then was able to access counselling/therapy through work.

I still have death anxiety but it doesn't grip me. I have tools and strategies to Tey and cope if it rears its ugly head. If I need to I will seek out therapy again.

You are not alone, please go see your GP and if you have an employee assistance program through your woke or private health care you should consider approaching them for help too.

It's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of but you cannot let it control you xx

@FallenSky

I have periods of panicking about dying, more so since I was diagnosed with a lifelong condition that won't necessarily end my life early but definitely put the reality of my mortality right in front of me. But I don't think about it often enough for it to have an impact on my day to day life, if it did I would be considering speaking to the GP about counselling options and perhaps anti anxiety meds. Is this something you have considered? It sounds really tough for you.

@FallenSky

I haven’t considered meds. But my fear of death stops me from wanting to ever take any kind of medication.
I don’t even like paracetamol because I’m afraid if the side effects and what they might do to me.

I definitely think talking this through with a counsellor could help. You’re carrying such a burden. You can get past this I’m sure. Intrusive thoughts are horrible but you can be taught techniques to combat these thoughts.

I had a brief period of health anxiety that largely centred on fear of death a few years ago now. At one stage I was confident I was going to die and that actually freed me from anxiety - I was absolutely resolved to my own death, there was nothing to fight against anymore because I had utterly accepted it.

I haven't felt anxious about it since. It's going to happen at some point, anxiety and fighting against the idea only serve to prolong the distress. Try mentally accepting it instead.

If you’re in the U.K. you can self refer for free cbt through the IAPT service. There can be a bit of a wait but the quality of sessions really is very good.

Cbt will look at your fear with you and how your thinking is making you feel, and will work on developing different ways of thinking to help you see things more positively. It won’t take death away, but it can change the way you process the idea of it to make it seem less dominating in your everyday life and to help you get more out of life.

It is also worth contacting your gp to see if this might have roots in depression or anxiety.. they might be able to make you make sense of this and there might be meds that can help you feel better.

You’ve done the most difficult part and reached out. Keep going. There are better days ahead.

You need to consider how you can make yourself feel better about it. I think the thing about your death is that you have no control, don’t know when it’s going to happen.
So, for example, if you have kids would getting life insurance so leaving them money make you feel a bit better ? Who will have the kids if you die before they are adults ?
Plan your funeral, write down what you want.
Then make a will and tell someone where it is.
As a nurse I’ve been present at a lot of deaths, and the one thing I can say is that it’s usually peaceful. In most cases people just ‘fall to sleep’.
And please remember that you don’t want to spend the life that you have, worrying about death. Enjoy the life you will have.

Hi @feedmegin your post really resonates with me.
I have had similar thoughts since I was a child. I really struggle with seeing the point in life if we’re all going to die.
This does not mean I want to end my life - far from it! But it has caused me a lot of distress in the past.

Therapy really did help me. It was the first time I could talk about how I felt without judgment or people trying (wanting to be helpful) to cheer me up.

I would consider therapy, it’s worth a go.

I get this sometimes. The way I get around it is to make sure I appreciate the small things like watching a sunset or watching wildlife. Doesn’t take the anxiety away so much as reminds me everything is a circle and we may well be recycled and have another form of consciousness. But if we don’t, how amazing is it that we have had this chance to become a form that can see and appreciate some aspects of the wider universe even if just for a short time.

That sounds horrible, OP.
I think your first move should be a call to the GP, it sounds like you have a phobia and there are loads of things that can help.

Secondly maybe some kind of theological study, almost every culture in the world has a concept of the soul and that the soul is a thing that persists eternally in some form or other. I'm not traditionally religious in any way but it's such a deep and basic thing that I think there must be something in it.

Lastly, I'm a nurse. Due to my upbringing and general experience I believe in the soul. I've carried out the last offices of care quite a few times. I think the best way to put it is that there is a feeling of the person still being present. Even when the death has been difficult and we've been fighting to save them the feeling in the room is one of warmth, calm and peace. I know it all sounds a bit woolly and wacky but it's a thing I find quite comforting, that we go to a place that allows us to radiate those feelings. I hope this helps.

OP - this is 10000% me too. Totally get where you're coming from.

Pre-COVID I had some CBT sessions, about 12, and they helped make a start. I used to say things like "what's the point in counselling - they don't have a magic wand to give me the answers to my mortality and dying".....sound familiar? What I realised is that it's not about giving me answers to an impossible question. This is hard to hear, but no-one can give us what we want. But what counselling can offer is a route to being more accepting, and not letting the fear of dying dominate decisions or everyday life. The goal isn't getting out of dying because we can't, the goal is making peace with that knowledge and being able to set it aside. I thought it would be impossible, and that no-one else would possibly ever felt as bad as I did about dying. I was surprised at how effective the CBT was. I need more, but these initial 12 sessions have put me on the right path.

I'm not there yet. I also share your fear about meds too. Honestly, your post resonates so much with me haha! I am going to try hypnotherapy when all this COVID craziness dies down. That was always going to be the next step but as my counselling finished, COVID kicked in. I've hd hypnotherapy in the past for other things and it's really helped - I'm hoping it could be helpful in this scenario too.

Also, my dad died suddenly and in front of me around seven years ago. I think you have unresolved grief issues which have triggered how you feel now. At least, that was certainly the case for me, and you sound similar.

Sending hugs, I completely understand how shit this all feels.

You seem quite resistant to the helpful suggestions PP have given you here. The options are:

1. seek help
2. continue as you are

Please see your GP and get some meds, I had the same struggle for over a decade and since taking sertaline for a couple of years have never been more at peace. I think about it very little now and much easier to push the thoughts out. Will definitely get better with help.

Tumbleweed, I love that.

Funnily enough, this has been on my mind a lot recently. More specifically about going to hell or to nowhere. Hell terrifies me more. I told my mother about this and she said 'there's no such thing as hell'. Do you think researching a religion might help? I know that in times of crisis of conscience/questions about life or death etc., sometimes it can help to speak to someone educated in a particular faith. Or Buddhism even which is non religious, just a philosophy I suppose. Do you think something like that might help?

For me, I grew up in a particular faith, so I pray some learned prayers, or just some I google.

Your response to the suggestion of therapy “but death will still be there, how will it help?” is the response you would have because you are still gripped with the fears and anxiety. You need to bite the bullet and try counselling as honestly, you don’t need to live like this. Most people are afraid of death if they really think about it, but the difference is, they don’t think about it very often. You can work with a therapist to free your mind of intrusive thoughts. This condition is affecting your daily life and needs to be addressed. Sorry you are suffering however, and it can’t be easy at the moment with so much news about mortality rates etc. Really hope you see your GP about this however and get some help. Good luck.

I'm sorry you feel this way. My sister was exactly the same and couldn't tolerate the thought that one day she'd be gone - she dealt with it by putting all thoughts and emotions about death into a mental box and never ever opening it. As a family, we knew to avoid any mention of it in front of her and, with a lot of therapy (but no tablets), she succeeded in loving life again. She even coped when our mum died by allowing herself to concentrate only on her life and not her passing. I'd like to say all is still well but my sister died suddenly and unexpectedly which, on reflection, was the best way for her. What you are experiencing is severe anxiety about something that will definitely happen and over which you have no control - you need to weigh up whether you can live like this against trusting the medical profession to help you get your head round it. Please seek help ASAP and accept whatever coping therapies, tablets and advice they offer. Good luck 💐

I have also gone to the leader of my faith once before and a cousin of a different faith went to the leader of a different faith in his despair. Each helped both of us.

I think the problem is you are dealing with something that absolutely is going to happen. Have you looked at Acceptance and Commitment Therapy? It is about learning to live with discomfort.

When we die it is the end of the body but what is death anyway. Our energy cant be destroyed (law of thermodynamics), it dissipates into another form so we are sort of still here.

I think grief counselling, exploring your spritual beliefs, facing practicalities of your death, and consciously deciding what life you want to have lived will help.

@Beseigedbykillersquirrels

You seem quite resistant to the helpful suggestions PP have given you here. The options are: 1) seek help 2) continue as you are

@Beseigedbykillersquirrels

I’m not resistant to helpful suggestions, sorry if that’s how I’ve come across.

I just struggle to understand that something can help me with this fear especially as they can’t take death away.

I have lived with this sort of fear since my Mum died when I was 8.

I can't understand how people function knowing that death is there. I can't understand why everyone isn't terrified.

Everyone will do it at some point.

I speak to my DH about it whenever one of my "moments" strikes.

I try to live the best life I can and remember that energy never dies.

I think I have CBT'd myself to a certain extent.

I could have written this OP as I've felt like this since being diagnosed with cancer. My understanding is it's very common when you've experienced trauma. I'm not an expert but from what I've been told it's hard but not impossible to 'put the genie back into the bottle.' For me, if it doesn't go away in time I'm going to try counselling.

Therapy will help. CBT is great for this kind of thing, it helps you re-set your ways of thinking so you don't go down the catastrophic rabbit hole.

I've had a few periods of horrible health anxiety where I was certain I would die. I even wrote notes to be found after my death (absolutely not suicidal, just sure I wouldn't be around much longer). I've since had CBT and been ok for the last few years (even living through a pandemic!). I find it needs topping up sometimes, so self-referring back to IAPT is really helpful for me.

I haven't ever medicated, other than beta blockers to reduce the physical effect of panic attacks.