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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let my death get in the way of life....

201 replies

feedmegin · 24/02/2021 07:09

I cannot enjoy my life because I’m too afraid of death.

I don’t think there is a day that goes by when I don’t think about death.

I wake in the middle of the night and suddenly become aware that one day, I just won’t be here.
I struggle to accept that my non existence is going to be eternal.
It literally petrifies me.

I try to imagine what it’s going to feel like but it just sends me into panic when I try.

It’s making me feel really miserable and I’m struggling to find enjoyment in life because, well what’s the point if we’re just going to die.

I feel like I’m just waiting for the day that darkness will be my forever. 😭

I’ve felt like this for years now and it’s not going away.

I lost my friend vert suddenly 12 years ago, and I think this triggered my fear.

I have panic attacks if I have to go to funerals and I couldn’t ever imagine seeing someone dead.

I don’t know how I’m ever going to enjoy life because what is there to enjoy when death is just there waiting to take us.

OP posts:

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 24/02/2021 11:19

I felt like this after my mum died. I can't explain how much better I was after CBT. Obviously I still don't particularly want to die, but I rarely think about it any more. Seek help.

orinocosfavoritecake · 24/02/2021 11:21

And watch the Good Place! Especially series 4. Good jokes too.

Dozycuntlaters · 24/02/2021 11:25

I find it bewildering that other people aren't utterly terrified in the same way I am.

@PinotNoisette I used to feel exactly the same. I remember talking to my dad about it once, asked him if he ever thought about death and he said no he never did. I hope I have the same mindset when I'm older, I guess we just have to embrace life and accept death is part of the cycle.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 24/02/2021 11:29

Am I the only one who has genuinely never had a moment like that? Just felt meh can’t control it, don’t worry 😂

VinylDetective · 24/02/2021 11:30

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

Am I the only one who has genuinely never had a moment like that? Just felt meh can’t control it, don’t worry 😂

Nope, I’m like you.

ImaHogg · 24/02/2021 11:35

I feel exactly the same op and have done since I was a small child, I used to cry every night as I used to lay there thinking of the enormity of life. Very little has helped, I have had counselling and CBT 4 times but all I think during my sessions is that no one has the answers so how can therapy help when the end result is the same for us all? I connect with nature every day which helps but the fear is still there. I am not religious but do envy religious and spiritual people as I feel they are at peace with the process of life. It’s something that I have never grasped and as I get older (am now 48) it’s actually getting worse. I don’t know the answer but totally, totally understand you.

WannabemoreWeaver · 24/02/2021 11:39

*@feedmegin

I’m just not sure how that will help. Death is still going to be there and I can’t tolerate that*

And this is the root of the issue. We all have to live with uncertainty and be able to tolerate the discomfort this causes. By telling yourself you cant stand it, and must know, you are actually making your anxiety about this worse. Intolerance of uncertainty is a major issue that CBT can help work on. As long as you go on as you are, you wont feel better and in fact are missing out on your chance to enjoy life. Which is really sad. I hope you will consider working on this in therapy. Fear of death (thanatophobia) is not uncommon.

GoodbyeH · 24/02/2021 11:39

@ImaHogg

I think the only answer is to slowly learn to be at peace with it. When you are actually dying (it could be a long slow process or a quickly in your sleep) you won't appreciate the fact that you were given the gift of life and wasted it on worrying about it disappearing. You'll probably be quite annoyed with yourself.

You have no choice but to die. So why not enjoy the feeling of being alive.

Do you have children?

GoodbyeH · 24/02/2021 11:42

Also no one wants to die, today, right now. That would be crap. There's still lots I want to experience. But if I decide that I'm actually going to suffer through life because one day I WILL die then it's just a waste of efgort and brain power. Much better things to think about.

Appreciate life, some people barley get a chance to get started let alone build a family and have the chance to be loved and to love.

5128gap · 24/02/2021 11:43

I talked to my grandma about this once.
She said 'Of course you're frightened. No one wants to leave the party early. But by the time it gets to the early hours, you're tired, you've had enough, and are ready to go home.'
I know its simplistic and not applicable to a lot of deaths, but it helped me push the fear aside by telling myself there was no need to worry about it for a long time, and when I got there it wouldn't feel that bad.

GoodbyeH · 24/02/2021 11:46

@5128gap

I talked to my grandma about this once. She said 'Of course you're frightened. No one wants to leave the party early. But by the time it gets to the early hours, you're tired, you've had enough, and are ready to go home.' I know its simplistic and not applicable to a lot of deaths, but it helped me push the fear aside by telling myself there was no need to worry about it for a long time, and when I got there it wouldn't feel that bad.

Exactly. It wouldn't even feel that bad because it will feel like nothing. That's why there's not point being afraid of it. You won't actually know your dead.

VinylDetective · 24/02/2021 11:47

Oh I love that @5128gap. Your grandma is such a wise woman.

JessicaaRabbit · 24/02/2021 11:47

Hi Op
Not RTFT so not sure if already suggested but the following is a good read if you have a fear of death.

If it has been suggested, take it as an additional positive recommendation

To let my death get in the way of life....

DishingOutDone · 24/02/2021 11:48

Your reaction to your friend’s death is entirely normal it happens to quite a few people; I’ve experienced the same. You definitely need counselling to come to terms with it and it will help. Make enquiries at your GP surgery to see what they can offer or how to access iAPt

oakleaffy · 24/02/2021 11:49

@feedmegin
I was terrified of dying after losing my birth mum as a toddler to illness.

It is probably quite a common fear, but all of us will die.. every living thing, from the noblest Oak/Yew trees that are really long lived, to Mayflies that live mere hours as an adult.

I read too much about death, to try and understand it..I wish there was an 'Afterlife'...
But science just points to the recycling of our individual molecules.
I used to be really troubled by death as a child, especially when /I learned I wasn't Christened, and was told by a Headmistress and a Catholic friend that I'd not go to Heaven, but be as dead as a stick
{Friend pointed to a twig next to her parent's pond}

Don't know of a way of easing the fear...but just accepting it is the only way to go...there ain't no way of avoiding it, that's for sure for any of us.

lazylinguist · 24/02/2021 11:55

Someone will probably come along in a minute to say that I’m talking nonsense about Stoics and Buddhists...

I think the Stoics and Buddhists are bang-on (about this and quite a lot of things). In fact bought 'The Daily Stoic' book a week or so ago. Very sensible stuff.

imlateagain · 24/02/2021 11:57

I have a friend who had the same fears of you. She went to a reputable hypnotherapist which really improved things for her. It's a phobia like other phobias, and really difficult to overcome on your own, but help is there. Good Luck

Mummyratbag · 24/02/2021 11:59

5128gap I absolutely love that

IsThisJustLife · 24/02/2021 12:02

I used to be much more worried about dying when I was younger, but that's faded as I've got older. Taking a while to conceive made me realise how lucky we are to be alive. If that egg hadn't been fertilised at that split second, I wouldn't be here - I'd still be in that non-existence that we're all in before we're born. Since then I try to think of life as a happy accident. One day it will end, but it might so easily never have happened at all.

And, before I had a baby I couldn't imagine going through giving birth - but when it did happen I suppose hormonal changes meant I felt very differently to how you would if it just came out of nowhere. I imagine that's the same for death. But I'm hoping to enjoy a lot more of being here and seeing this world from a human perspective before that.

SnappedAndFarted18 · 24/02/2021 12:07

OP I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way fear of something is horrible but as previous posters have advised please try & get some counselling/cbt with regards to how you’re feeling there’s so much life ahead of you to enjoy & I really do think you could get away from this fear if you’re able to talk through it/seek some help I know Covid hasn’t helped but you can get through this & start to enjoy your life 😌 good luck on your journey & I really hope you’re able to get the help you deserve x

TheByngster · 24/02/2021 12:15

@5128gap

I talked to my grandma about this once. She said 'Of course you're frightened. No one wants to leave the party early. But by the time it gets to the early hours, you're tired, you've had enough, and are ready to go home.' I know its simplistic and not applicable to a lot of deaths, but it helped me push the fear aside by telling myself there was no need to worry about it for a long time, and when I got there it wouldn't feel that bad.

This is lovely, I think your grandma very wise.

Monkeymilkshake · 24/02/2021 12:18

You need therapy. It wont take death away, it will help you deal with it and manage your fear

Greengagegate · 24/02/2021 12:29

Tbh (no offence to anyone on this thread who thinks like this because we are all different) but if you don't think about death and aren't frightened or inspired or just cogniscent of the possibility at various points in your life then I think you are probably a pretty insensitive gung-ho sort of person (we need them too!). But I think it shows awareness and intelligence and curiosity to think about it from time to time. So don't be ashamed of that.

When it gets to the point that these thoughts disable you and hinder you in your daily life, that is is when you know you need help.

And do seek it op before they start to become a self-fulfilling prophecy; anxiety and depression are serious illnesses that have concrete effects on the body. Do seek help and please don't just battle on alone

Lovemusic33 · 24/02/2021 12:30

I hope you manage to get some therapy OP, please don’t think that it won’t work, many people have fears and have found therapy helps (including me). It’s taken me a long time but I have learnt to live in the moment and not to stress about things that are out of my control. No one knows when they are going to die, each day should be lived to the full but it’s not normal to be so anxious about dying, your right that it’s going to happen one day but it could be in 50+ years or in 5 days. Hopefully therapy can help you think differently about living

Movinghouseatlast · 24/02/2021 12:34

Therapy will help. There is a type of therapy based on existentialism which really would suit you.

Therapy helps us come to terms with our feelings and understand ourselves. So yes, deathwatch still be there but your attitude to it will change.

Done well therapy can be like magic!

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