To let my death get in the way of life....

[feedmegin]

I cannot enjoy my life because I’m too afraid of death.

I don’t think there is a day that goes by when I don’t think about death.

I wake in the middle of the night and suddenly become aware that one day, I just won’t be here.
I struggle to accept that my non existence is going to be eternal.
It literally petrifies me.

I try to imagine what it’s going to feel like but it just sends me into panic when I try.

It’s making me feel really miserable and I’m struggling to find enjoyment in life because, well what’s the point if we’re just going to die.

I feel like I’m just waiting for the day that darkness will be my forever. 😭

I’ve felt like this for years now and it’s not going away.

I lost my friend vert suddenly 12 years ago, and I think this triggered my fear.

I have panic attacks if I have to go to funerals and I couldn’t ever imagine seeing someone dead.

I don’t know how I’m ever going to enjoy life because what is there to enjoy when death is just there waiting to take us.

Also I had fear of illness triggered by parental alcoholism. I then did get a disease and honestly it helped me face all of that and I am much freeer. You are more resilient than you think. The honest answer is count your blessings and appreciate every day.

CBT helps you when you get that overwhelming anxiety that takes over your life. It's worth a try.

You're right that you'll never stop being able to ignore death - it's the only guarantee in life.

But to live everyday waiting for it it unusual levels of anxiety you do need support for.

I think about death sometimes. But for me it's a normal amount and I don't worry personally about dying (I won't know about it as I'll be dead!) but more about leaving loved ones behind. I have these thoughts because my mum is dying of cancer. I never had them before.

Sending love 💕
I hope you seek help, OP. We all have fears and it’s no different than other phobias and fears. In fact, I’m pretty confident health anxiety has grown massively over the last year alone.
I think the reason people aren’t spending every waking moment worrying about it is because we obviously cannot control it. Have you looked into religion as well? I’m quite envious of religious people who feel their passing has a meaning and life does not end, just our human bodies do.

Take care.

Knowing people die young is traumatic. My cousin died of cancer at 19 and a family friend in her 30s. I'd see if you can get some help. I was convinced for a long time I had cancer myself, in fact probably diagnosed myself with most going. The only thing that really helped was seeing a doctor and them putting my mind at rest.

My dad died last year which was horrible but despite his illness and lockdown it was peaceful and not frightening. He wasn't frightened, we weren't frightened. We spent a few days with him beforehand as I really think it calmed him to have us there so stopped going so downhill. I also saw him at the funeral home which I don't think I'd ever recommend, I was only in there for as many seconds as seemed respectful.

My point is that I'd see a professional/GP. Getting it out of your head is important. We all have some level of this, but for some it comes and goes and isn't very pronounced.

I've felt like this ever since my sister died five years ago, she hadn't even felt that poorly then she was suddenly diagnosed with terminal cancer when initially she thought she had a simple tummy bug. It still terrifies me.

Totally understand op
Sometimes it terrifies me so much it fleetingly crosses my mind that, if I just did something to end it, it would be over now so I wouldn’t have to spend the rest of my miserable life worrying about dying.

This has kept me up a few nights in the past, OP. What helps me is remembering that, over the course of history, more people younger than me have died than older, and more children than adults. I figure, if they got through it, so will I.

The other thing is considering the 1970s. I wasn't born then, I didn't exist. In likely the same way as I won't exist after I die. It wasn't traumatic, as far as I recall. It just was. In all of history, I've not existed for far longer than I have existed.

@WineInTheWillows

Argh that last sentence is freaky to me. Part of my fear is the "not existing" part.

The concept of infinity, time and space tie into my fear too.

I'm taking deep breaths now...

RE: your username... Do you drink a lot of alcohol?

[quote SciFiScream]@WineInTheWillows

Argh that last sentence is freaky to me. Part of my fear is the "not existing" part.

The concept of infinity, time and space tie into my fear too.

I'm taking deep breaths now...[/quote]
Sorry! It is true though. You might fear it, but you're really old hat at it. I sometimes wonder if there's some truth to religious beliefs on what happens when you die. Not sure I can quite believe in heaven (Lord knows I've tried!) but the idea that there's some sort of cosmic life force in each of us that gets redistributed elsewhere after death? Maybe.

I once met someone who was convinced she remembered several of her past lives. She reckoned that what happened to you after death depended on what you thought was going to happen to you. It's as good a theory as any, I guess.

Not to belittle your fears and I second that you should try CBT, but I find that quote: 'I didn't exist for millions of years before I was born - and it didn't inconvenience me at all' very reassuring. [I'm probably mis-quoting slightly, but the meaning is there].

SciFiSCream, that is exactly my fears too. I can't watch space programs anymore, sometimes even looking at the stars at right can set it off.

I've felt like this for many years. Mostly when I was young. My dad died when I was a young child but old enough to remember and it wasn't handled very well.
As I've grown older, I've come more yo terms with it. I'm more sad for those that I leave behind.
How have I come to terms with it?
Well looking at it from a young person, it's worse! ( now in my 50's)
I've found relief in not knowing what happens in a sense
It may be good. I've read a lot and listened to a lot. I am not religious but find comfort in thinking about it being the next level.
And if not? So what? If there is nothingness you will be at peace.

@DianaT1969

Not to belittle your fears and I second that you should try CBT, but I find that quote: 'I didn't exist for millions of years before I was born - and it didn't inconvenience me at all' very reassuring. [I'm probably mis-quoting slightly, but the meaning is there].

So so true.

OP, that must be really tough.
Can you try to reframe it in your mind. It's because of death that life is precious and we must enjoy it.That cliché 'carpe diem' - seize the day, meaning make the most of each day in case it's your last. It doesn't mean assume it will be or never plan for tomorrow, but just live each day, as far as you can, to your best ability.

Try just enjoying the present moment for a few minutes. At first it will feel artificial but once it becomes a habit, it's ingrained. I got up at 6.30 this morning, brewed a cup of tea and lifted our elderly cat onto the window sill to stroke him while we watched the sunrise together. Just small, simple moments like that, where you are not doing anything major but just enjoying this moment of being alive. The more tiny moments like that you get in each day, the more they knit together to give you a day of happiness, even if nothing special is occurring.

I get this to OP, and dream about it sometimes. But mostly in day to day life, I can force myself not to dwell on it. I take comfort in trying to live as healthily as possible, in order to feel like I have a tiny level control in prolonging death. But ultimately I accept that I can do nothing about it - it will happen one day for me the same as it will do for everyone. I think the key to living a normal life around this fear is to accept the inevitability of death, and not waste the precious time we have here. There truly would be no point if you spend your whole life miserable and crippled with anxiety. So enjoy life as much as possible and live it to the fullest, making as many other people happy along the way as you can. Definitely think you would benefit for some counselling, and good luck xx

I love that quote!

Hey op, sorry to read that you are struggling with these thoughts. I have worked with a client that had a huge fear of death recently.
I work psychodynamically and found it really helped my client to talk about the fear and where it comes from, what is it rooted in? When did it start? Its known as an existential fear of death. To be given the space to talk freely about the fear can help reduce it. It can be an unconscious anxiety that is coming out as a fear of leaving those we love behind. A life not yet lived.

As above Irvin Yalom books are very good, Staring at the sun may be a welcome read for you.

@Punching

There are many writers who deal with this. I am reading Irvin Yalom at the moment, who is a psychotherapist that looks at this existential question.

Can you better articulate what is fearful for you about not existing?

I second reading Irvin Yalom, particularly Staring at the Sun - he looks at our fear of death in a very sensible and reassuring way.

It is the lot of humans to know that they are going to die.

It's a miracle any of us live a happy and interesting life and do anything (have kids, take medication, climb mountains) knowing that, but most people do not let their fear of death which everyone has a tiny bit, to rule their lives.

You are letting this rule your life, therapy would help you live your life for what it is now. You have a very long time to enjoy things on this earth (hopefully) and a great therapist or CBT would help you to realise this- it won't remove death, but it can't for anyone, can it? Why should you be unhappy through your life over this issue, when others aren't?

I used to be the same.

Until the day I did actually die (I was resuscitated, obviously).

A) I was too ill and in too much pain to care what what happening.
B) the feeling of calm at just slipping away was actually wonderful.

The only thing that scares me now is a long illness leading up to it and leaving my children before they have their own lives.

I wouldn't recommend a very close brush with death, but it cured me.

I hear you op! I feel the same.
Death terrifies me! And it goes along way back to a conversation my mum and I had when I was a child about dying, mum said one day she won't be here and her soul would leave her body and go to heaven, I told her I would hold on to her soul and go with her! She laughed and said you won't be able to do that.. I remember crying myself to sleep somenights as a child feeling so sad that mum wouldn't be hear one day. And it's always been a worry, but it's reared its ugly head again in the last ten years as a number of young people I've known have passed away suddenly. And I'm now have DC's and DH and if I wake in the night I constantly have to make sure they are breathing! I had a traumatic birth with DC1 where I had to be rushed in to theatre and actually felt quite calm at that point, but afterwards the fear really revved up! I was convinced I was gonna drop down dead any minute and kept praying to live until my DC was 6 months at least so that dh could cope with out me etc. Anyway the fear is still here, but I have times when it's calmer than others. I still check DC and DH are breathing during the night, and I hope I wake up each new day before I go to sleep. God, it's horrible.

I was with my dad when he died, prior to this I was scared of death and had never seen someone dead. It was the total opposite experience of how I imagined, he was calm and the process felt so very natural . I agree about the warmth in the room, I felt he was being released from a body that he had no longer had use for and he was gaining peace.

Well, there are a whole bunch of people who get through life trying to extend it as long as possible so that they can live as long as possible. Some people believe that technology in the future may be able to extend life indefinitely, or somehow download our beings into technology.

You'd be switching crippling fear for an unrealistic obsession, but it IS an alternative solution.

www.theguardian.com/global/2019/jun/23/how-to-live-forever-meet-the-extreme-life-extensionists-immortal-science