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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Caught him talking to another girl and it's me.

148 replies

Catsandkittens638297 · 23/02/2021 22:06

Mt husband has a past of talking to other girls that I caught him on tinder last year. I forgave him and we ironed it all out.
I know he's on whisper and I managed to find his account and talk to him. It's anoynmous so he doesn't know it's me.
He's started getting sexual on the chat. I'm currently 28 weeks pregnant with our third child. If I tell him it was me itl get turned round on me for been crazy (literally out of character for me is this o thought he'd click on) but I can't not say anything? Pls don't be rude

OP posts:
Mrgrinch · 24/02/2021 10:57

OP sounds upset about breaking up, you should be relieved.

Original poster
Catsandkittens638297 · 24/02/2021 11:03

@mrgrinch it is upsetting we've been together since we where 13. Spent half my life with him

OP posts:
Twisique · 24/02/2021 11:05

This is better timing than at 38 weeks! Time to get strong and practical.

PixelatedLunchbox · 24/02/2021 11:08

[quote Catsandkittens638297]@mrgrinch it is upsetting we've been together since we where 13. Spent half my life with him[/quote]
Cats you've lost perspective, because he is all you have ever known. He's not going to change (obviously), so my advice would be to get out and start a new better life without him.

Twisique · 24/02/2021 11:09

Make a list of things to do, everyone here will help you. My suggestion are
Solicitor, some offer free advice, find one you like,
Housing, do you own or rent?

Evidence, scan or photograph everything even if you are not sure if its needed.
Benefits.
Bank accounts, have your own at a separate bank to your joint account.

Twisique · 24/02/2021 11:10

Find his national insurance number.

Wheresmyfuckingphone · 24/02/2021 11:11

He could have given you STDs. Get tested and get some legal advice I suppose.
As you're married it gives you more financial clout, I believe.

bathsh3ba · 24/02/2021 11:11

A second chance is one thing but a third chance is where craziness lies. I speak from experience. I wish I had left sooner. If you stay, you will never stop wondering, you will never completely trust him again.

I left with 2 primary age children in the end, I wasn't a SAHM at the time but I had the option to go when I had one toddler and one newborn and was a SAHM and wish I had. It's hard but you CAN do it. Speak to a solicitor to find out where the land lies legally.

DonLewis · 24/02/2021 11:12

Believe it or not, life will be better for you without him. It may be a struggle at first, but it already sounds miserable.

Focus on you and your children. I am sure there are better times ahead of you once you're free. Look forward. Flowers

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 24/02/2021 11:12

Agree with the others on practicalities. Do you own or rent? Private rent or not? Sounds like he needs to be kicked out and you stay in the house.

agreyersky · 24/02/2021 11:13

OP sounds upset about breaking up, you should be relieved

Oh for goodness sake, no matter how much of a wanker this man, it doesn't stop the break up being hard. Lets stop pretending this a movie where valiant heroine skips off to an instant joyous trouble free future.

It is perfectly legitimate for OP to be distressed worried by the end of her marriage, to be worried about the practical and financial implications of this for her and her children. She doesn't need someone who is not going to have to live what she is living telling her this is all a huge relief.

OP, please listen to all the practical advice about plugging in to all the information services out there and formulating a practical plan.

Regularsizedrudy · 24/02/2021 11:22

Oh op what a nasty piece of work he is. I’m sure you feel horrendous right now but this is for the best. He is not a nice person and it will be better for you and your children to in the long run. I would really suggest you talk to someone, a friend, even your gp about what this bastard has put you through. As you start to exit the fog of this horrible relationship you will see him for what he really easy and eventually get your life and freedom back.

Regularsizedrudy · 24/02/2021 11:23

Easy = is*

VinylDetective · 24/02/2021 11:28

@Mrgrinch

OP sounds upset about breaking up, you should be relieved.
If you were 26, expecting your third child and financially dependent on your spouse, would you be relieved? Seriously? You must be considerably more resilient than me because I’d be fucking terrified.
Leodot · 24/02/2021 11:30

@Catsandkittens638297

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Are you married? Do you rent or own your property? Do you have any kind of financial protection? I don’t really know much about this but could you contact your local council if you’re worried about finances and get some advice?

I think the relationship is over though. I don’t know how you can come back from this and trust him again. You deserve so much better. Him saying his options are to leave or kill himself is emotional blackmail. Do you have family or friends you can talk to about this? ❤️

agreyersky · 24/02/2021 11:31

OP I'd also like to say that you have real strength and character to have sent that middle finger photo to you H. I thought that was brilliant and showed a real respect for yourself. Go you!
You can draw on that strength and self-respect to get through all this and build a new life.

notanothertakeaway · 24/02/2021 11:31

Yes, it's hard when you have been with him for so long, but you're only 26. You have so much of your life ahead of you, and heaps of time to live your best life, perhaps with someone new, or perhaps on your own. I'm sure it will all work out better in the end

Alexandernevermind · 24/02/2021 11:35

This is the guy who wouldn't take time off work to "babysit" his own children, allowing you to go for a pregnancy check up. He isn't a a keeper.

Original poster
Catsandkittens638297 · 24/02/2021 11:37

We private rent, neither of us have any kind of savings so I don't really have anything to take from him.

OP posts:
Loopyloututu2 · 24/02/2021 11:41

OP take it from someone who’s older and possibly a bit wiser (not meaning to be patronising but been there, done that) - just dump him - it’s over.
You’re 26 (a baby!) you have plenty of time to start again with someone who respects you. If you forgive him again you’ll never, ever trust him. You’ll always be wondering where he is, what he’s doing (especially if he works away). It’ll drive you crazy. Do you want to live like that?

You gave him another chance and he blew it. HE blew it - repeat that to yourself when he starts trying to blame it on you, which he will:
“You’re pregnant, you don’t want sex, your focus is on the kids, you’ve let yourself go, I’m lonely when I’m away, it was just a bit of fun nothing happened, you shouldn’t go looking for stuff” etc etc blah blah (I bet he comes out with at least 3 of these).

Figgygal · 24/02/2021 11:42

Please don’t let him back in
He’s a serial “cheat”
Don’t allow him to treat you this way

You say he’s Away with work when’s he back?
Look into your benefits options
Look into csa calculator

Do you have family/friends who can support you?

anditgoeson · 24/02/2021 11:45

OP you will manage, it might not be pretty but you can do it. You may have to claim benefit which is awful but you'll have access to childcare you can pay you rent and it will give you time to get sorted. Join some parent groups, get in touch with any friends or family and try and form a support network. There is help out there, what about school mum friends? Im a lone parent of two who were babies when my ex left and it hasn't been easy but I'm doing it. I managed to get a decent job and now I'm studying to hopefully get a better one. I made friends at the kids school who were a godsend at times and I reached out to people. You can't stay with him OP. You'll get through it.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 24/02/2021 11:48

@Alexandernevermind

This is the guy who wouldn't take time off work to "babysit" his own children, allowing you to go for a pregnancy check up. He isn't a a keeper.
Oh right. That adds a bit more context.

@Catsandkittens638297. It IS hard to imagine not being with them, when you've been together since you were kids, but you will cope! You're young, so much life ahead of you, don't stay with him or you'll have no life, NO self confidence.

As he works for himself, getting any money from him will be difficult, but get your benefits sorted out immediately - see how much you're entitled to and see if you can afford the rent on your own.

Tell him not to bother coming back, he can stay where he is!

AndAPartridgeInABearTree · 24/02/2021 11:53

OP this is a shit situation. But is it more shit than being stuck with a cheating, gaslighting, emotional blackmailing twat? This is the chance you have to get rid of him knowing absolutely that the cause of your break up is his shitty behaviour. This is not on you. It's on him.

Nonamesavail · 24/02/2021 11:58

It doesn't matter that it is you, intention is still a huge disrespect to you. He is a scum bag and will never change.