To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

I think someone else posted that quote in bold BTW. Whoever it was should be ashamed of themselves.

I’m an adoptive parent and as part of the process we’re taught how important it is for the child to know about their past in an age appropriate way

But who is writing the history.
Op’s Ds is probably being told his mother couldn’t keep him safe when in reality SS trapped her living with her abuser until she gave birth. Took her Ds off her and used evidence of her trying to keep herself safe against her.

I only knew 2 children who were adopted growing up (which might make my view a bit screwed) Whilst they had the private school education, nice clothes and a nice house to live in their home life was horrendous which culminated in fatal consequences.
I think the adoption process does now weed out people who in the past might have been able to adopt but I do get uneasy when those that were adopted praise their parents for giving them more opportunities than their birth family could have given them which in short seems to all come down to money.
The 2 children I knew were adopted by a quite well off family.

I was curious about the adoptive parents idea that Ops son should know nothing about his half siblings. I wonder if the adopted people on here agree that adopted children should not know about biological siblings until 18? I was trying to work out why the siblings would be kept a secret. Is it a
normal thing that where there is letterbox contact any mention of anyone other than the birth mother is not appropriate? If he doesn't want contact from Op and thus never heard of the existence of the siblings it would be quite hard stopping them from trying to find him on social media!

[quote 2021namechanger]@RickiTarrnit entirely sure why you’re taking issue with me - rather than people that have picked apart the OPs story, denigrated adopted people, said things like the incubator comment, or that her child will never want to see her. You know all those things I haven’t said or thought.

What I have done is support those on the thread who are adoptees.

And as for accusing me of “me-railing” what a lovely way to - as I said attempt to shut down anything I say.[/quote]
I’ve taken issue with various tone deaf posters on this thread.

You’ll have to explain the subtle differences between you telling OP off for calling herself “mum” & the other PP’s incubator remark.

Or the very slight difference between you expressing vehement disinterest in your BM and other PPs saying adoptees usually don’t want to meet their BMs.

But not here. This is so unkind. You have to offer others the same consideration & sensitivity you would expect on an “adoptees’ experience” thread.

@Bythemillpond

I’m an adoptive parent and as part of the process we’re taught how important it is for the child to know about their past in an age appropriate way

But who is writing the history.
Op’s Ds is probably being told his mother couldn’t keep him safe when in reality SS trapped her living with her abuser until she gave birth. Took her Ds off her and used evidence of her trying to keep herself safe against her.

I only knew 2 children who were adopted growing up (which might make my view a bit screwed) Whilst they had the private school education, nice clothes and a nice house to live in their home life was horrendous which culminated in fatal consequences.
I think the adoption process does now weed out people who in the past might have been able to adopt but I do get uneasy when those that were adopted praise their parents for giving them more opportunities than their birth family could have given them which in short seems to all come down to money.
The 2 children I knew were adopted by a quite well off family.

This thread is so long I can’t find my post but I’m pretty sure I wrote that I spoke with the birth mother about it so that I can share her story with my son. 2/10 for attention for detail.

... the temptation to look for the child when you're grieving intensely must be overwhelming. So photos aren't provided, not to be cruel to BPs, but actually to not give them temptation they can't handle. No level of contact could be 'enough' for BPs to assuage their grief, and could cause issues for the child

Speaking generally rather than about individuals, I can see this makes sense
Whatever the reason for the separation yearning for a lost child will be hideously painful, and it's entirely possible it may lead BPs to make less than wise choices around contact, photos and all the rest ... which probably explains why there's so much caution used

Dreadful for the BPs of course, but maybe safer in the end if the child is able to mature before being confronted with such pain

@RickiTarr erm I’ve stated that I’m in contact with my birth family and have been for years - so nit sure about “violent disinterest”.

However as you’ve said “this isn’t a thread for adoptees voices” and that our posts are an “irrelevance” I’m not entirely sure why you’re engaging with me.

Oh and you’ve also mentioned you have zero involvement in adoption but hey what I (and other adoptees say) is irrelevant.

@Thehouseofmarvels

I was curious about the adoptive parents idea that Ops son should know nothing about his half siblings. I wonder if the adopted people on here agree that adopted children should not know about biological siblings until 18? I was trying to work out why the siblings would be kept a secret. Is it a normal thing that where there is letterbox contact any mention of anyone other than the birth mother is not appropriate? If he doesn't want contact from Op and thus never heard of the existence of the siblings it would be quite hard stopping them from trying to find him on social media!

It can be traumatic for the child/ren, especially if any future birth siblings live with one of the birth parents. For many adoptees they feel their birth parents didn’t think they were worth changing for.

How will birth siblings find him on social media when they don’t know his name?

To give a side to this. My DH was adopted. His adoptive family aren't perfect (who is) but they brought him up well to be a good husband and a doting father. He finally got in touch with his birth mum at the age of 33 and it looks like it was probably a mistake.

She didn't want him adopted, she sent him a birthday card last year to my son. It made him uncomfortable, she doesn't care. She seems to want to pretend the last 30 years didn't happen. It's very difficult for him.

You think the OP doesn't want to hear from adoptees that have a different view of the needs of adopted children and their relationship with the birth parent? Even those whose birth mother's circumstances were also challenging?

I don't think she needs to hear all the unpleasant comments on this thread which whilst serve to give adopted children a 'voice' do nothing apart from to exacerbate the distress and misery to the person who posted this thread in the first place. But you know, keep going, fuck being nice, keep your voice. All over someone else's thread. Because if they were feeling shit to start with, what matter if they come away feeling a million times worse right? Wouldn't dream of silencing you 🙄

I'm very sorry to read this op. Please hang onto the thoight that when he is older he will come and find you. You can explain it all to him then and tell Him that you love you and have missed him.

@SimonJT, I missed the bit where op had said that she had not told her children the adopted child's name. Fair enough if she's said she will not give them the name ever to prevent them from going looking for him as adults.

@Thehouseofmarvels

*@SimonJT*, I missed the bit where op had said that she had not told her children the adopted child's name. Fair enough if she's said she will not give them the name ever to prevent them from going looking for him as adults.

She won’t know the adopted childs name.

I think all of the adults in these situations need to work on focusing on the children's voices.

For me as social worker that means not getting defensive about my practice and acceptance that my actions however well intentioned will cause pain.

Both adoptive and birth parents have their own acknowledgments to make.

We should not be telling people who are talking about their experience as a child to be quiet.

The entire process of adoption is and should be centered around the child.

It's interesting that two posters who are not the OP are taking it upon themselves to police who is and isn't allowed to post.

This isn't the OP's thread. It's a thread started by the OP in a forum for debate. No one gets to say who is and isn't allowed to post, apart from MNHQ. And the thoughtful comments by adoptees may well be more helpful to the OP in the long run than people uncritically agreeing with her, or encouraging her to pursue legal action that will not succeed.

Children who are adopted often have a change of surname as a minimum. So John Smith becomes John Brown. BF aren't usually informed of the new name, it's kept private to the child.

@Thehouseofmarvels

I was curious about the adoptive parents idea that Ops son should know nothing about his half siblings. I wonder if the adopted people on here agree that adopted children should not know about biological siblings until 18? I was trying to work out why the siblings would be kept a secret. Is it a normal thing that where there is letterbox contact any mention of anyone other than the birth mother is not appropriate? If he doesn't want contact from Op and thus never heard of the existence of the siblings it would be quite hard stopping them from trying to find him on social media!

for me I feel that if i'd been told about siblings as a child it wouldve upset me and made me think 'why she kept them and not me' etc

I think finding out when 18 or older your able to understand better

It can be traumatic for the child/ren, especially if any future birth siblings live with one of the birth parents. For many adoptees they feel their birth parents didn’t think they were worth changing for.

It’s a hell of a lot more traumatic to not learn of siblings until you’re an adult. That is a major shock, and might also feel like a betrayal if your adoptive family knew and didn’t tell you.

Aren’t we constantly told now that the modern approach to adoption is to do life story work from very young? Cover all major facts in a child appropriate way by the end of primary? Or does the theory not align with the practice?

Op if you firmly believe that your child was taken from you unfairly and maybe illegally, you should consider getting some expert legal advice.

We should not be telling people who are talking about their experience as a child to be quiet.

Absolutely not. And no one has done that here. Another thread to amplify their voices rather than silence the ops voice and increase her distress on her own thread is an appropriate way to do that.

And the adoptive parents know their son best, and whether it's in his best interests.

It might be they have told him, but they want to avoid letterbox being focused on the siblings, as that could be hurtful- getting news about the children your birth mum worked hard to keep. We don't know, and they're best placed to know.

@countingthestarswithmini

I'm very sorry to read this op. Please hang onto the thoight that when he is older he will come and find you. You can explain it all to him then and tell Him that you love you and have missed him.

He might not, though. You can’t say with any certainty that he will. It’s just false hope.

I’m adopted and I’ve no interest in ever finding the woman who gave birth to me. She isn’t, never has been and never will be my mother. Any other kids she’s had are not my siblings.

Blood doesn’t mean anything. I have a happy, loving family with amazing parents.

@RickiTarr

It can be traumatic for the child/ren, especially if any future birth siblings live with one of the birth parents. For many adoptees they feel their birth parents didn’t think they were worth changing for.

It’s a hell of a lot more traumatic to not learn of siblings until you’re an adult. That is a major shock, and might also feel like a betrayal if your adoptive family knew and didn’t tell you.

Aren’t we constantly told now that the modern approach to adoption is to do life story work from very young? Cover all major facts in a child appropriate way by the end of primary? Or does the theory not align with the practice?

I’m sorry you were traumatised due to not knowing about your siblings, your experience however isn’t the norm.

We do know that children who are told about birth siblings who are kept by a birth parent find it very difficult as it is very common for them to feel they weren’t loved, they weren’t wanted, worth the effort etc. Those things obviously aren’t true, but that is the reality for how many adoptees feel when informed.

And the thoughtful comments by adoptees may well be more helpful to the OP in the long run than people uncritically agreeing with her, or encouraging her to pursue legal action that will not succeed

Undoubtedly there has been thoughtful posts from people who have been adopted. There has also been unnecessarily unkind ones that serve no purpose.

@RickiTarr

It’s a hell of a lot more traumatic to not learn of siblings until you’re an adult. That is a major shock, and might also feel like a betrayal if your adoptive family knew and didn’t tell you.

You think it's more traumatic not to know until you're an adult. You don't know what would be more traumatic as you haven't been in that situation. Nobody knows how another person would feel, so people can only share their own opinion / experience. It's your right to do so as well of course.

However it's frustrating that you seemingly don't want people who are adopted to share their experiences if they might be upsetting to OP, so you presumably won't be open to people who are adopted saying that knowing they had birth siblings throughout their childhood would in fact have caused more trauma than finding out later in life.