To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

@RickiTarr, you know you just did exactly what she was talking about right? Completely invalidating the point of view that could help OP move on?

Again, adoptees voices being silenced

The OP states the relationship did not continue after the birth of her child.

She followed instructions to call police if he visited her home.

She did this.

This was used as evidence against her.

[quote LovePoppy]@RickiTarr, you know you just did exactly what she was talking about right? Completely invalidating the point of view that could help OP move on?

Again, adoptees voices being silenced[/quote]
This isn’t a thread for adoptees voices. If it was I would say fill your boots. Start your own thread if you have something about the adoptee experience you need to discuss. I have every sympathy for that.

This is a thread by an extremely distressed DV survivor processing a complex trauma around losing her baby. That’s what she needs input and support with.

Not spite or irrelevance.

Side note; Every time a celebrities children are talked as adopted Ie “being Brad and Angelina’s adopted children”, it makes me want to set fire to everything

Yes, I absolutely hate the message this sends to adopted children. I can't believe the media are still allowed to do it.

@RickiTarr could you point out a single post that is unkind to the OP? I’ve been at pains to not be. And several times said that I believe the OP has suffered an injustice.

But like I said - there seems to be a lot shutting down of the voices of those who are actually adopted on this thread.

And as @LovePoppy @youvegottenminuteslynn @Skatastic have pointed out - we have had to read comments from “we are jealous as no one cares about us” to “well just give them back”.

So sorry if despite my very careful efforts I’ve in any way upset the OP - I certainly haven’t meant to - but sadly the same cannot be said foe those who’ve suggested some of the things I’ve mentioned above.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

Side note; Every time a celebrities children are talked as adopted Ie “being Brad and Angelina’s adopted children”, it makes me want to set fire to everything

Yes, I absolutely hate the message this sends to adopted children. I can't believe the media are still allowed to do it.

They are because it’s how the world views us.

Not enough. Always other.

Unfortunately some of the blunt comments by adoptees suggesting the OP must accept her child is unlikely to want to know her have created a polarised view. Likewise, some comments to adoptees have been dismissive and thoughtless.

As I've said before, each experience of this system is individual and unique and deeply painful.

Without some sort of calm discussion and analysis somewhere along the line, the suffering if those involved cannot be reconciled.

Sending my love OP. Truly heartbreaking and I believe you

The people with experience of being adopted are surely the most useful people to comment on the issue that OP raised about the level and nature of communication that she currently has with her birth child.

They didn't speak with one voice but gave her their range of personal experiences of being the child in that situation.

It was neither spiteful or inappropriate for them to do so.

This isn’t a thread for adoptees voices. If it was I would say fill your boots. Start your own thread if you have something about the adoptee experience you need to discuss. I have every sympathy for that. This is a thread by an extremely distressed DV survivor processing a complex trauma around losing her baby. That’s what she needs input and support with. Not spite or irrelevance

The OP chose put this thread in AIBU. People who think she is BU are perfectly entitled to say so. The minority of nasty and cruel posts have rightly been deleted. But the thoughtful ones by adoptees, putting their side of the debate, should remain.

OP I really do have a lot of sympathy for you and the injustices that you feel.
However my first thoughts go to the children that you do have living with you. In your own words, they are very young. I am absolutely sure that you want to be the best Mum possible to all of your children, and that you are doing your best to be so. I know that you don't believe that your living at home children are suffering at all with your (somewhat understandable) obsession with your first child. I sadly disagree with you there (and if you post on forums like this, you need to accept that however much you think your case is straightforward, and that there can be no different reactions to your "facts" than yours, that not everyone will agree with you), I believe that they can, at the very least, sense your sadness, maybe even your desperation, at not having your eldest child living with you. When they hear you talk about their older sibling they will hear the longing in your voice, however well you may think that you are hiding it. They probably can't yet articulate to themselves what it is that they are hearing and feeling from you, but they may very well feel that you are not happy, and that that unhappiness is somehow related to them, that they are not enough for you. As others have said, I feel very strongly that you need counselling, so that you can come to terms with, and live with, your present situation. Please do not live your life, or let your children be brought up thinking, what if, if only, it isn't fair that... It may well be unfair what happened to you and your first born, but please stop dwelling on it, you are not doing the children Iiving with you, your adopted out child, or even yourself, any favours by continuing to pursue these thoughts.
You will probably think that what I am about to say is even more unfair, and that I am just being horrible, but that is not my aim, I am hoping to help you open your eyes to other possibilities (I cannot say that my thoughts are correct as I can't possibly know, but if you could acknowledge that other peoples views might be right at least some of the time, then it might help you cope with some things that you considere to be injustices). I believe very strongly that your recent SS contact should not have given you her thoughts and judgements about another SS department. It would be very unprofessional to do so, and that might be the true reason why she was taken off your case. It sounds like your SW became too involved, and that she may have said the things she said to you because she felt sorry for you, and your obvious distress. From what you have told us here, if I had been the SW involved with you when you first approached them about your boyfriends failings, I would have thought you very naive (please remember I am going by what you have told us, not by what the real situation was - if different) because you were apparently telling me - your Social Worker - about your boyfriends abuse before it became vocal and then physical. If being with your boyfriend was so damaging that it needed flagging to the SSs I would have expected you to have already left him, and to have contacted the police about any dangerous behaviour from him - unless someone is already registered with the SS, and therefore already had an assigned SW I would not expect the SS to be their first choice for advice. You should not have needed the SS to tell you to stay or leave your boyfriend, if you had no-where to go, and you were frightened of him, I would expect you to ask for advice from your parents, or friends, or a teacher, or some other trusted adult, if you had absolutely no-one you could confide in, then as you were pregnant, (and even if you weren't), talking to your GP, or midwife if you had one by then, would surely come before telling SS? Any sensible adult would have advised you to LTB, and that if you felt that was also dangerous, they would have advised you to seek help from a Women's refuge. As a SW I would have expected you to do something along those lines. If you were too young and/or naive to do that, and if you stayed with your abusive partner, I might well have come to the conclusion that your baby needed to go into care. You say that the SW told you to stay in your (dangerous) situation because they were still assessing the facts, if your SW had said that (and you didn't just misunderstand what they were saying), then that SW should have been sacked. Regardless of what anyone told you, once you realised that your partner was seriously neglectful of you and your "bump" (even if not violent at that time), you should have had enough sense to leave him. I know this sounds harsh, but I think as your SW I would have had serious doubts about your maturity to bring a child up safely at that time.
Lastly, as many pps have pointed out, you are putting your own painful feelings about the injustice of having your child taken off you, before your child's best interests, which indicates to me that you are still very immature, and again points to you needing counselling. You say that you are 'just venting' here, but you are not, your emotions are coming over loud and clear, and from what you have told us, it really is your feelings that are most important to you, not your first child's, or you would listen to everyone, and understand that the rules are their for your child's best interests, not yours, and the overwhelming opinion, even from previously adopted children, is, let your boy live his life with them, keep any cards etc that you have written to him over the years (I think that is a lovely thing to do), and hopefully when he comes looking for you when he is an adult, he will happily read them, and understand that you love him so much, and that you never wanted to give him up. You still have my utmost sympathy OP.

There's been some unpleasant views on here. To be told that BM are just incubators, that there must be more to the story than she's letting on, that adoptees don't want to see their bm's, that they only have one mother and that's not the BM, may well be true for some children who have been adopted. Which are perfectly valid feelings of course. However for a birth mother who is grieving the loss of her child, and feels that her child was unjustly taken, who is struggling to move on from this, understandably, these comments are not going to help her move on. There's been some seriously unkind comments on the ops thread that are not designed to help or support her in anyway whatsoever. Instead of feeling that adoptees voices are being silenced, why not start your own thread, therefore ensuring that they are not silenced. 🤷

@Hepsie

Well said.

"It is my experience (most commenting dont have this experience but still enjoy chatting shit) as an adopted person that although I am sad for my birth Mother, I wouldnt have wanted her sprung on my when I was younger. I've only really decided I might like to find her since I turned 40 and even then I'm not sure. Photos and cards wouldn't have helpful, especially not for my brother who finds his adoption very very painful to deal with."

With bells on.

Not to take away from the suffering of the op, the manner in which her forced adoption was handled sounds horrific.

But like the above poster, I'm an adoptee with no desire to have contact with my birth parents. I don't resent them or hold any animosity towards them but I don't want a relationship with them.

I was made aware that they were interested in making contact when I was younger and I said no, I'm approaching 40 and my feelings haven't changed.

Although I've been told that the studies show a trend for men adoptees to become more interested in their background later in life.

@HeartvsBrain

May I respectfully suggest you read the OPs posts in full?

Some of your misconceptions and inaccuracies are very thoroughly addressed in her own words.

[quote 2021namechanger]@RickiTarr could you point out a single post that is unkind to the OP? I’ve been at pains to not be. And several times said that I believe the OP has suffered an injustice.

But like I said - there seems to be a lot shutting down of the voices of those who are actually adopted on this thread.

And as @LovePoppy @youvegottenminuteslynn @Skatastic have pointed out - we have had to read comments from “we are jealous as no one cares about us” to “well just give them back”.

So sorry if despite my very careful efforts I’ve in any way upset the OP - I certainly haven’t meant to - but sadly the same cannot be said foe those who’ve suggested some of the things I’ve mentioned above.[/quote]
Well last night you told OP that you knew you were being trite but she had to look at it that things happen for a reason and if she hadn’t lost her baby, she may not have met her current DP.

Also last night you said you knew your posts probably weren’t helping OP.

(Paraphrasing but do look up the exact wording if you care)

Today you have mercilessly merailed at length about your experiences of being adopted in different circumstances forty years ago, and said insensitive things around how adopted DC might regard their original families.

You also at one point criticised her for referring to herself as her son’s mum, which she always will be.

Hepaie Well said

@Hepsie

There's been some unpleasant views on here. To be told that BM are just incubators, that there must be more to the story than she's letting on, that adoptees don't want to see their bm's, that they only have one mother and that's not the BM, may well be true for some children who have been adopted. Which are perfectly valid feelings of course. However for a birth mother who is grieving the loss of her child, and feels that her child was unjustly taken, who is struggling to move on from this, understandably, these comments are not going to help her move on. There's been some seriously unkind comments on the ops thread that are not designed to help or support her in anyway whatsoever. Instead of feeling that adoptees voices are being silenced, why not start your own thread, therefore ensuring that they are not silenced. 🤷

Very well said.

Damn typo! I meant Hepsie Well said.

I have an adopted child. She has asked specifically to have no face to face contact with her birth parents. She has also asked to have no contact on her birthdays or Christmas, these days are already emotionally charged. She doesn't want these days being about her north parents who she doesn't have anything to do with, those days are about her family she has always known and who know her. This sounds really harsh I know but this could be how your child feels. She is 11 and has made her feelings very very clear, she agreed, reluctantly, to letterbox contact which the birth mother didn't actually do so I'm glad it wasn't made a big deal. You need to look beyond the needs of the parents and see the needs of the child. Im sorry if this causes offence but as an adoptive mother the 'why can't a mum give her child a present' gets to me, my DD wants to be left to be who she is not be involved with her birth parents at the moment. If this changes then we will of course address it. And also to add we have never ever spoken negatively of the BM or BD in the 11 years we have had her in our lives.

Oh I feel for you op I really do. When I read your story I assumed it happened years ago, like in the 60s or something. I cannot believe that things like this happen these days. You sound lovely. One day your son may come and find you and he'll know he is loved. I know this doesn't help you now. My heart breaks for you.

@RickiTarrnit entirely sure why you’re taking issue with me - rather than people that have picked apart the OPs story, denigrated adopted people, said things like the incubator comment, or that her child will never want to see her. You know all those things I haven’t said or thought.

What I have done is support those on the thread who are adoptees.

And as for accusing me of “me-railing” what a lovely way to - as I said attempt to shut down anything I say.

@endlesssnow

The people with experience of being adopted are surely the most useful people to comment on the issue that OP raised about the level and nature of communication that she currently has with her birth child.

They didn't speak with one voice but gave her their range of personal experiences of being the child in that situation.

It was neither spiteful or inappropriate for them to do so.

Thank you

@Hepsie

Your experiences are no doubt valuable to share but they don’t really accord with OP’s needs on this thread.

I do agree with this. A separate thread would probably have been more appropriate.

You think the OP doesn't want to hear from adoptees that have a different view of the needs of adopted children and their relationship with the birth parent? Even those whose birth mother's circumstances were also challenging?

I posted in good faith that my experience as an adoptee might give her something to reflect on.

This is isn't a thread for adoptees voices.

Wow.

@OVienna

Astonishing isn't it? How disappointing.