To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

@hatedbytheDailyMail

And that makes it right? To use a label of ‘failure’. No, it doesn’t. What it does do is perpetuate the myth that women are responsible for men’s actions’

Women are not responsible for mens actions, but they are responsible for their own. If they don't keep their children away from dangerous men, they have failed to protect those children. Failure is the right word.
You have no idea how many women go back to men who hurt and/or terrify their children, even when they have other options.

I don’t??

Ok...sure, I don’t....

And clearly you have no idea how many HAVE done everything in their power and some stupid twit has fallen for the perps sob story and given info, or some stupid twit in a professional capacity has given out the location to the perp...,etc etc etc.

2021namechanger

I think many people don’t recognise that for lots of children (who grow into adults) and have experienced some sort of trauma - whether that is before birth via epigenetics or after birth - emotional intensity can be very challenging.

So very positive emotions or expressions of sympathy displayed by someone towards you can be just as overwhelming as very negative ones.

Hi Op,

I'm an adoptee in my thirties now.
I was adopted when I was a baby and had a very happy, stable and healthy life with my adopted family.

I knew some details about my birth mother and always wondered about her growing up - had fantasies about the kind of person she was - imagined her more like an older version of me than a real person. But there was no contact at all - I think this is a "closed adoption" - and possibly just how things were done then.

I'd always planned to make contact at some point, but was nervous to - possibly for fear of blowing up my own mythology that I'd created.
I wanted to have my own children before I did - so if everything went wrong I still had my biological roots somehow.

Anyway, I found her on social media and did make contact.
It turned out that she was horribly treated by SS in the eighties, as a child herself and it seemed so unfair on her, especially that the separation was so very final and complete.
For me though, realistically, my life has been so much more stable and probably healthy than it would have been otherwise.
If id had continual contact throughout my childhood I would have always felt "other" and different and had it raised in my mind.
As it was I was always aware, but not continuously reminded and needing to think deeply/confront about what I felt.
Also my own coping/defense mechanism of fantasies would have been impossible to create - melting away with every letter that proved them untrue.

I have so many feelings about the whole thing, now and still, and so much confusion that has erupted - and with all the mental tools I have developed as a 30 something I still am finding it difficult.

I don't think it would have been a benefit to me to have lots of contact as a child and actually would have caused me difficulties but I can see that it would have really helped my BM and made her much happier.

I do feel guilty for something that was out of my control but that I benefited from at someone else's expense.

It's hard and I totally sympathise with you. You're clearly a great person, but the best outcome for you might not be the best outcome for your son at his current stage in life.
I'm very sorry if this comes across as harsh in any way.

It is because the child is the most important person in a forced adoption scenario that each case should be scrutinised to the highest standard. Which is why birth parents whose experiences cast doubt on evidence and opinion used to make that decision should be listened to and as much rotten practise weeded out as possible.

The system will never be perfect, but right now there is massive scope for improvement, so that children who are adopted are left with as little trauma as possible.

UsedUpUsername 2021namechanger is right, the idea that adopted children 'spent their childhood wondering about the circumstances of their adoption and why they were given up, and who their BM is.' is completely outdated. Adopters who intended to take this approach wouldn't get far into the adoption process. It is expected that adopted children have this info throughout their lives, both to support their identity and to prevent either fantasies about perfect birth parents, or horrible revelations, at 18.

My adopted DC know their birth mum's name, have photos of her, know the town she lives in, have a family tree (first names only) of her and birth dad's families, all sorts of information. They know she loved them and didn't 'give them up', but that she didn't always make good choices and that meant she couldn't keep them safe. They know this was partly because she was very young, and that she wasn't always looked after as well as she should have been as a child, so didn't really know how to do that for them. She's a human like all of us, she's not a Disney princess or an evil witch, and it's right they know that about her.

There should not be surprises at 18, or whenever a child seeks info or contact with birth family. It is much better for the child to grow up knowing age-appropriately what their story is.

This thread is a bit silly. Adoptions are usually removals from drugs/drink/violence, usually all three. The threshold for adoption is very, very high in this country.

Sure, birth parents love their children; but they don't or can't look after them. Birth parents put their own needs first - as OP proves.

How do the OP's resident DC feel about OP comparing and 'talking constantly' about a missing child who was mysteriously taken away'? Bet they feel safe and valued.

How would OP's ex-DC feel being pressured by a stranger who says their parents aren't really mummy and daddy? That there's another mother who says she loves them but wasn't allowed to be with them cos it wasn't safe? Nice and relaxing, that.

All you can do is write your letters,date them and seal them and add them to the box so if your child does contact you in the future they will have it all.

As an adopted child I wouldn’t have wanted your letters, I just wanted to be normal like my friends. I was one of the “experiments” who did have bi-annual contact with their birth mother, it was confusing as fuck. In my late teens it did help knowing some of my history but I have to say that my birth mother was/is an amazing spin doctor!

I have a loving amazing family and my late adoptive mum was wonderful. My birth mother is a very naive, silly, selfish woman who was unable to put me before her relationship and that’s why she lost me. I’ve had a far better life and opportunities than my half siblings who she had after me. I stopped contact with her in my early 20s. I wish social work had stopped contact when I was 2.

So I’m sorry your hurting but you need to put the child first and get yourself some therapy.

@UsedUpUsername

You may have an outdated idea about "mystery and secrecy of the adoption process" in UK. There are no longer sealed files. At age 18, adopted people in UK have the right to seek full access to their SW pre-adoption records and history including their original birth certificate, the identity of the birth parents and any background known about them. With that information the adoptee can then try to track down and contact their birth parents... if they wish

But isn’t 18 a bit late? By then, the adult has spent their childhood wondering about the circumstances of their adoption and why they were given up, and who their BM is. I just don’t understand the reason for such secrecy, even negative things can be put into terms that children can understand.

I’m an adoptive parent and as part of the process we’re taught how important it is for the child to know about their past in an age appropriate way. There’s life story books and a later life letter at the bare minimum. My son, who’s 2.5 knows he’s adopted but he doesn’t understand what that means yet. There’s no secrecy, and I’m armed with lots of information from the social workers and al the reports and forms and from a conversation I had with his birth mother so I can tell him about his past and answer questions he has.

Children are children. They don’t need to know the explicit details of why they’ve been removed from birth families, most of which are pretty harrowing. When my son is ready (late teens) he can know the upsetting details of what happened to his birth family and why he was removed. It would be difficult for an adult to work through (on top of all the trauma and attachment difficulties), and impossible for a child to do.

OP, if you’re still reading I hope you’re okay. The range of posts on here must feel supportive and attacking in equal measure.

I can't find the post I'm replying to but my story hasn't changed.

We weren't in a relationship when I gave birth but he was certainly still a present risk and still in my life causing me problems.

That's not to say I wanted him in it.

I tried to leave him at 20 weeks pregnant, I want to reiterate once again.

With my get out plan stopped by SS telling me not to relocate, I remained living with him right up until I went into labour.

He reluctantly agreed to go and stay with his mum.

I voiced my concerns to SS that he wasn't going to let go and leave me alone, their response was to tell me to call the police whenever he harasses me.

He came round.

I reported him for it.

Police came. He said he wasn't causing a scene at all and made that comment about SS. He was removed.

I KNEW they would know about the police log, they were the ones who told me to report him.

I couldn't ensure my safety staying in the house so I went into a refuge and give up the house, which was in my name.

I then found the courage to make statements about rape, sexual assault and multiple other offences he had commited against me.

The above was used then used against me and doubt cast on my credibility by SS because "you didn't say anything before"

I don't like talking about that, for obvious reasons.

I feel bad that you were put in that position but the most important thing is the child.
Personally I feel for them no contact at all is better( til there 18 and can choose for themselves)
For me contact during childhood just adds to extra confusion for them

I feel quite ill to be honest my anxiety is through the roof. I should have known better than to re-open the wounds. There's a reason I don't talk about it much and that's because I can guarantee that whenever I do, there will be some people victim blaming or saying it's my fault.

I wanted to move away long before baby was born, they told me not to.

It should have never got to the stage it was.

I needed help, I didn't get it.

I was set up to fail.

Maybe I should of gone anyway, against SS advice, but naively I believed they knew best.

Thank you to everybody who has been kind to me. I appreciate you.

to those of you who have been through similar, or had bad experiences.

@SpringHasSprung20

Hug. Big hug.

Fist bump of solidarity for my fellow adoptees on this thread who have to read increasingly insensitive comments comparing us to a lost purse or wallet that should be returned to their owner. It is actually giving me the terrible rage so I'm going to come off it and not comment anymore however I will say this AGAIN.

It is my experience (most commenting dont have this experience but still enjoy chatting shit) as an adopted person that although I am sad for my birth Mother, I wouldnt have wanted her sprung on my when I was younger. I've only really decided I might like to find her since I turned 40 and even then I'm not sure. Photos and cards wouldn't have helpful, especially not for my brother who finds his adoption very very painful to deal with.

The decision to make contact is in the hands of the adopted person, not the birth parents, and this is exactly the way it should be. These are our lives people are talking about, not a film where the happy ending can only be one where we have a relationship with our biological relations.

As difficult as it is for you, when you said “imagine not receiving birthday cards from your mum”. The point is that the boy has another mum, it’s heart breaking for you, but they need to protect the normality for the kid.

Supersimkin2
This thread is a bit silly. Adoptions are usually removals from drugs/drink/violence, usually all three. The threshold for adoption is very, very high in this country.

Of all the dismissive, ignorant, tone deaf posts I've seen on MN, and there's a fair few, this one is a stand out. Total lack of empathy, huge generalisations and just a really mean-spirited and thoroughly unpleasant load of crap. Says a lot about you.

Be kind to yourself op

@LookingForSalt

Supersimkin2 This thread is a bit silly. Adoptions are usually removals from drugs/drink/violence, usually all three. The threshold for adoption is very, very high in this country.

Of all the dismissive, ignorant, tone deaf posts I've seen on MN, and there's a fair few, this one is a stand out. Total lack of empathy, huge generalisations and just a really mean-spirited and thoroughly unpleasant load of crap. Says a lot about you.

Amen to that.

Overall I think I made a mistake posting this, whilst I take heart from the kindness of many of you lovely MNers who have extended a virtual handhold, all of the victim blaming, mysogony and spite toward birth mums from a percentage of the posters is just too much.

In hindsight I should have stepped away from the thread last night when it become clear to me that it was just bringing my trauma back to the front of my mind.

I was never going to try to disrupt his adoption, I just wanted, at the very least, for him to know I love him.

I'm going to hide the thread now as it's just not good for my mental health.

@Hepsie

Be kind to yourself op

Thank you hepsie for your contributions to the thread, it was great to see somebody from your line of work backing me up x

❤️

[quote 2021namechanger]**@youvegottenminuteslynn thankfully some of the most offensive comments have gone. But a lot of the attitudes have absolutely dismayed me. The fact that so many have disregarded what almost every single adopted person on the thread have said is also infuriating.
Yes people all have different experiences and obviously bring them to the conversation, but literally the only person in an adoption situation that has had no say in the matter, no fault, and should have no expectations placed upon them / it’s the child.

And the fact that us “children” are now adults who are sharing our experiences and being shouted down shows a lot about those doing so.[/quote]
Yes exactly.

While I am in fact adopted, I absolutely despise being called an adopted child or “the ‘smiths adopted daughter”. It’s completely dehumanizing, and like @youvegottenminuteslynn said, treated like luggage.

We all have our own experiences, but it’s shocking how many non adopted people are accepted as speaking for us.

Side note; Every time a celebrities children are talked as adopted Ie “being Brad and Angelina’s adopted children”, it makes me want to set fire to everything. We truly are seen as less than.

One of the things that can be difficult for abuse survivors to learn is who to share their story with. Not everyone deserves to hear your story. But there are kind and wise people who can and will listen with compassion.

Sending heartfelt good wishes. Please do protect yourself from further trauma, you're worth it. 💕

[quote 2021namechanger]@LovePoppy Yep, our voices seem to be completely dismissed by (funnily enough) those who have had SS involvement.

And while am sure the OP and many others on this thread may have been done an injustice - that doesn’t negate the fact that some are still failing to see anything from the viewpoint of the actual child.

I do actually have contact with my birth family - but had there been one hint of some of the pushiness here - it would not be the case. They are respectful of my life, my family and my boundaries etc.[/quote]
This thread is clearly bringing up strong feelings for you.

As someone who has never had any form of personal dealings with social services, though, just a limited professional exposure to these issues, I have TBH and tell you that some of your posts are coming across as unnecessarily tactless and unkind to an OP who is in distress.

OP has to process complicated feeling around the loss of a child in unusual and apparently unjust circumstances. She is also a DV survivor. Those are very different experiences to yours.

Your experiences are no doubt valuable to share but they don’t really accord with OP’s needs on this thread.

I think it’s worth noting that it’s easy to retrospectively determine that social services have made a mistake with the benefit of hindsight, when you can see how things turned out for the parent in question. But social services don’t have that luxury when considering what to do in the moment.

In the OP’s case, she left her abuser and had become a good parent to her children. She is a success. But at the time, social services couldn’t know for sure that this would happen. All they could see was a young girl who didn’t appear to have the support of family and who was in a relationship with a violent and abusive man - moreover, a relationship which continued beyond the involvement of social services and after the birth of the baby. They can only make what appears to them to be the best decision under the circumstances with the information available to them, and when the welfare of a baby is involved they don’t have the luxury of seeing how things pan out.

That can lead to situations like OP’s, where the outcome might easily have been very different if the circumstances had changed slightly. It can look like an injustice with the benefit of hindsight. But at the time, with the information then available, it likely looked like the only realistic option to protect the baby.

There’s no easy answer or solution. It’s desperately sad and awful for OP, and there is no restitution available which will both provide her with justice and satisfaction and protect the needs of her son. Their respective needs are no longer aligned. It’s so terribly sad. But it doesn’t necessarily point to a failing on the part of social services; just a very difficult situation with no clear solution in which hard decisions had to be made in a relatively short time frame.

Your experiences are no doubt valuable to share but they don’t really accord with OP’s needs on this thread.

I do agree with this. A separate thread would probably have been more appropriate.