To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

Actually no, it wasn’t. It was simply someone describing a person’s ‘failure’ to stop someone else’s actions.

I can assure you discussion of the event in the case would have been failure to prevent the incident and the implication would be to protect.

@Hepsie

Anyone with half a brain can work out that no system is infallible, yet so many of you are desperate to believe that child protection is 100% infallible. Interesting.

It is strange. I work in the system. I've seem the (fortunately few) failings. But they are there. Im admitting that from an inside perspective, yet others still insist it can't be true. Really. It is. There's an overwhelming amount of successes due to thoughtful and careful planning by social workers, who manage to prevent a huge amount of harm to children. On occasion, there are some failings and error of judgement. It's bloody obvious there will be really isn't it.

Exactly @Hepsie

I’m so glad you’re posting on this thread.

Sorry OP. I did manage to read a few comments and there are some who have been adopted saying the exact opposite of what I said.

I think the sad (for you) reality is that you simoky don't know how your son will feel about you and how you fit into his life. He could be desperate for answers and want to know you. Or he could be completely indifferent and feel perfectly content with his adoptive family.

I really don't think there is much you can do except maybe seek counselling for this situation. I understand your need for closure but I suppose it's completely up to your son whether or not he wants any input from you. Is there a way to make yourself contactable when he reaches adulthood? Is it something that can be discussed with the people who arrange letterbox contact? You can't be the only BM to wonder.

[quote 2021namechanger]@Skatastic I’ve said it upthread - but for an actual parenting site - there really doesn’t seem to be much child focus in many of these posts.

Nor anyone actually listening to those who are actually adopted. Some of it I find borderline offensive to be honest.[/quote]
We don’t matter, apparently. Our lived experiences and thoughts are mean if they don’t line up to what op wants to hear.

Pointing out some of us dont want contact is cruel

I have just re read the OPs posts.

Letterbox contact once a year is established.

She has never said she wants to destabilise her son.

She has questioned how her letters are scrutinised and edits demanded for apparently trivial reasons. She has questioned whether it is fair or helpful for her son to have the existence of siblings kept from him long term.

She would like an up to date photo. She would settle for two letters a year.

She was treated unjustly by one LA and been supported by another. She is now "fit to parent" two subsequent children.

Her case is complex, individual yet not that uncommon.

She is not rallying anti Ss battalions to decimate CP and place children at risk.

She is processing, processing a deep rooted emotional trauma with ongoing consequences not adequately addressed by the system that caused them.

Let her have her voice.

And that makes it right? To use a label of ‘failure’. No, it doesn’t. What it does do is perpetuate the myth that women are responsible for men’s actions’

Women are not responsible for mens actions, but they are responsible for their own. If they don't keep their children away from dangerous men, they have failed to protect those children. Failure is the right word.
You have no idea how many women go back to men who hurt and/or terrify their children, even when they have other options.

And not once, when you actually understand what happened from all sides, not one single time in 14 years of my career have I ever disagreed with a courts decision to remove a child . It is quite frankly unrealistic to think the justice system is infallible. That you state this suggests to me an inability to reflect and see failings that is worrying.

But given you do feel this, i am sure you couldn't just as assuredly state that not once have you seen a decision to remove a child where more could not have been done to support a mother and prevent the situation getting to that stage. I do not know a single professional who doesn't wish for more resource. And perhaps in OPs case that is more relevant.

It is quite frankly unrealistic to think the justice system is infallible. That you state this suggests to me an inability to reflect and see failings that is worrying

She didn't state that at all. You inability to read is more worrying!

@LovePoppy Yep, our voices seem to be completely dismissed by (funnily enough) those who have had SS involvement.

And while am sure the OP and many others on this thread may have been done an injustice - that doesn’t negate the fact that some are still failing to see anything from the viewpoint of the actual child.

I do actually have contact with my birth family - but had there been one hint of some of the pushiness here - it would not be the case. They are respectful of my life, my family and my boundaries etc.

[quote 2021namechanger]@LovePoppy Yep, our voices seem to be completely dismissed by (funnily enough) those who have had SS involvement.

And while am sure the OP and many others on this thread may have been done an injustice - that doesn’t negate the fact that some are still failing to see anything from the viewpoint of the actual child.

I do actually have contact with my birth family - but had there been one hint of some of the pushiness here - it would not be the case. They are respectful of my life, my family and my boundaries etc.[/quote]
As an adopted person I have challenged statements people have made that were frankly offensive (like those implying we are some sort of lost property to be 'returned') and had no response, no kindness, no empathy for our experiences.

Ive made it clear that I appreciate the pain a birth mother must go through and acknowledge how hard it is for them, while also explaining my own feelings. Ive also repeatedly said that while I understand my birth mother must struggle hugely with the emotions around this, I hope she would be happy I was placed in a loving home and appreciate that my parents love me just as much as they would do if they shared my DNA.

As each situation and each child are individual, it is impossible to take a blanket approach.

This is the problem. The not knowing, the uncertainty, and the lack of support for birth parents to help them understand why different levels of contact are right or wrong for their child. The OP wants the best for their child, but simply being told protocol doesn't necessarily improve understanding.

The focus has to be are the children being kept safe.
Are the adults protecting the children.

Both parents have a duty to protect their children. There are no parental rights in the UK, there are parental responsibilities.

Protecting your dc from ongoing violence is a responsibility.
If you are unable to protect your dc for whatever reason then the state has to step in and do so.
If this doesn't happen then children end up dying or seriously injured.

I do agree that there are too few mother and baby places.
There aren't enough refuge places.
There is almost no funding for preventative childrens social care.

There are going to be families where the decision to remove the dc permanently isn't as clear cut as most.
Then it comes down to how much risk do you want to take with a vulnerable child's life.
There is the known but likely contained trauma of removal and adoption. Versus the less known but potentially more dangerous risk of keeping in the family.

I no longer work in frontline child protection but looking back the thing I am most grateful for is that none of the dc I worked with died or were seriously injured in their families. Several of my colleagues were not as lucky and that is a heavy burden to carry.
It is the backdrop to these decision making processes.

You may have an outdated idea about "mystery and secrecy of the adoption process" in UK. There are no longer sealed files. At age 18, adopted people in UK have the right to seek full access to their SW pre-adoption records and history including their original birth certificate, the identity of the birth parents and any background known about them. With that information the adoptee can then try to track down and contact their birth parents... if they wish

But isn’t 18 a bit late? By then, the adult has spent their childhood wondering about the circumstances of their adoption and why they were given up, and who their BM is. I just don’t understand the reason for such secrecy, even negative things can be put into terms that children can understand.

@PicsInRed

From what I know of abusive relationships and the blame heaped on mothers for being in one (then the total lack of assistance in leaving and staying out - followed by forced contact with the father for both child and indirectly the mother) ... I believe you.

I can absolutely believe something like this would happen and our family court and social services systems really are going to be seen as a shocking disgrace in decades to come.

OP

I agree with this. I am so sorry for the terrible situation you are in, and like a pp I very much hope that your son contacts you when he is older.

I can see this from both sides, for you it wasn’t fair to offer no support then remove your child. As for contact unfortunately your child has a new life/family now. If there is contact with you it may cause confusion plus, the family who adopted him - he’s their child now. Imagine going through the whole process of adoption to still feel like the child is not yours because the birth mother still wants to be involved. Fostered children gave contact, adopted very rarely have contact.

He does have a mother Op, as he gets older he may seek you out. Then I’d your time to tell him your truth, he’s old enough & ready to hear you. But at a young age it could be very damaging.

If you tell your child you love them. They may think well why did you give me up? Yo can’t answer that as he’s too young to know the whole truth so it’ll just cause him distress.

I hope he does seek you out & you have your opportunity to build a relationship with him if that’s what both of you want

@UsedUpUsername

You may have an outdated idea about "mystery and secrecy of the adoption process" in UK. There are no longer sealed files. At age 18, adopted people in UK have the right to seek full access to their SW pre-adoption records and history including their original birth certificate, the identity of the birth parents and any background known about them. With that information the adoptee can then try to track down and contact their birth parents... if they wish

But isn’t 18 a bit late? By then, the adult has spent their childhood wondering about the circumstances of their adoption and why they were given up, and who their BM is. I just don’t understand the reason for such secrecy, even negative things can be put into terms that children can understand.

Also agree with this post.

@youvegottenminuteslynn thankfully some of the most offensive comments have gone. But a lot of the attitudes have absolutely dismayed me. The fact that so many have disregarded what almost every single adopted person on the thread have said is also infuriating.
Yes people all have different experiences and obviously bring them to the conversation, but literally the only person in an adoption situation that has had no say in the matter, no fault, and should have no expectations placed upon them / it’s the child.

And the fact that us “children” are now adults who are sharing our experiences and being shouted down shows a lot about those doing so.

@ShulamithFirestone

I would be tempted to try anything to circumvent SS restrictions and just communicate with my child in any way possible if I were in your shoes.

This is awful advice. It could be extremely detrimental to OP's son.

Did you read to the end of the paragraph? It said very clearly that while this is an understandable impulse it is not one to follow.

But isn’t 18 a bit late? By then, the adult has spent their childhood wondering about the circumstances of their adoption and why they were given up, and who their BM is

Most by that stage will know - am pretty sure modern adoption encourages tbis - and as an adoptee of the 80’s (when files were sealed) I knew most of the details

And the fact that us “children” are now adults who are sharing our experiences and being shouted down shows a lot about those doing so.

That’s typical of the experience of looked after children though. Lots of assumptions and heightened emotion from adults.

(I cannot presume to speak directly from experience of being adopted, but that is based on my experience of being a second generation care leaver (my mum had herself been adopted))

Adoptions used to be secret, now children are meant to be provided with a Life Story Book for when they are children and Later Life Letter for when they are older. These are designed to explain what happened in age appropriate terms. Eg. Your tummy mummy Laura sometimes took illegal drugs and when that happened she couldn't look after you properly and people were very worried about you.
There is an expectation that these will be shared with the child, and that adopters will participate in letterbox contacts. There is an expectation that adopters talk to their child about their birth family and adoption support services often run training and support groups about how to do this.
Obviously there is no way of ensuring it happens but it is the intention. Yes, sometimes the support isn't readily available or helpful. And yes, sometimes the Life Story Bookand Later Life Letter don't materialise or are rubbish. But there is a duty on the LA to provide them because adoption is not meant to be a secret anymore.

I am very interested in what adopted individuals say about contact, it is something that is often under review and being researched. The University of East Anglia have been running years of research into it and are advocating a more open approach where possible and safe, such as direct contact with siblings in long term care or birth grandparents, because the importance or birth family is recognised.

As an adopter, I am very grateful to the adoptees sharing their experiences, whether they've had contact with birth family or not, whether their adoptive experience was good or bad. Thank you.

Lots of assumptions and heightened emotion from adults.

Spot on. I’ve had people say “aw” in a sympathetic way when mention it. No need - it’s not an issue. Or “but you must want to know more about your REAL family” (prior to meeting them). Erm I have a real family.

@percypetulant I salute you and ither adoptive mums. Seeing some of the comments and assumptions here makes me realise how difficult it can be at times to challenge them.

My DM tends not to tell say colleagues that I’m adopted and I gather it comes from these exact type of assumptions and ignorant questions.

@hatedbytheDailyMail

And that makes it right? To use a label of ‘failure’. No, it doesn’t. What it does do is perpetuate the myth that women are responsible for men’s actions’

Women are not responsible for mens actions, but they are responsible for their own. If they don't keep their children away from dangerous men, they have failed to protect those children. Failure is the right word.
You have no idea how many women go back to men who hurt and/or terrify their children, even when they have other options.

This is tragically true.

Being adopted is not easy on any child.
And their needs have to trump everyone else's.

The two cases I knew of where children were adopted and chose to make contact with their birth mothers at over 18 had been given up for adoption not because there was any abuse, but because the mothers were very young.
One was 14 when she gave birth, the other 16.

There was no abusive male on the scene, just a young and unsupported mother.

Maybe this is easier for the adopted adult child to get their head around?

But when there are siblings it can hurt...As in, ''Why didn't mum fight to keep me?''

Adoption is far from easy on anyone, most of all, the Child.