To ask you, honestly, what your lockdown relationships are like

[Whatafustercluck]

Just had a blazing row with dh. It came from nowhere but I'm still shaking with anger. I can't remember what we used to do for fun, but we haven't laughed together in such a long time. I am thankful when I return to work on a Monday. The weekends are a relentless effort to find things to do. Dh has had health issues for 6 weeks (he was in hospital for 5 days) which has left him lacking motivation, bored and irritated. He can't eat the things he used to enjoy. He no longer drinks alcohol. He's always been quite negative, but I find myself disliking him, or the person he's become, more and more. I am fed up with everyone wanting a piece of me (we have two dc). I am fed up with being accused of shutting myself away/ being in a mood if I dare take 5 minutes to do what I want to do in another room in the house. They all literally hunt me down if I go awol for 5 mins. The kids know how impatient he's become and we all walk on eggshells as a result. He's hard work. The cat died while he was in hospital. One of the first things he did upon returning home was complain that I'd chosen to bury her rather than cremate. He did end up apologising (he always does). I've bitten my tongue for six weeks. I've tried encouraging him to take more exercise to make him feel better. Invariably I'm left entertaining the dc while he searches for things on the Internet, intermittently asking my opinion about something or other. I give it and he immediately puts up an abstacle in response to my suggestion.

We haven't been on a family walk for weeks (I've taken the dc out alone most weekends). When he does come out he grumbles and complains the whole time.

He's not lazy and he does loads around the house, he always has. So when he's not on his phone he is finding things to do around the house.

But I said in sickness and in health. He's 9 years older than me and I'm now realising exactly what that might entail. We've been together 20 years. I don't want to live like this any more.

I've come food shopping to get out of the house. Alone. It wasn't always like this but I'm trying so hard to remember what it was like before Covid, before his illness, but all I can see is what it's like now. I suppose I'm trying to gauge whether I should wait it out in hopes of better days to come when the good weather returns and we can do more. Or is this now it, forever?

Lockdown is hard for families and couples. Anyone who says it isn't is lying. You are surrounded by each other 24/7, can't get away and have nothing new to talk about.

My partner and I had a blazing row last weekend, took a few hours away from each other and then made a plan.

Ours was -
Take walks/exercise out of the house alternating away from each other. That way someone gets some time alone.
Start doing activities. We bought a new board game, have bought some date night boxes etc.
Partner never cooks. He's made the effort to buy ingredients and learn to make a curry which was lovely.
Zoom on your own with other people etc

You'll need to find out what's bothering you and what you need but you need to talk it through without yelling. We kept having little mini fights til our blow out, it cleared the air but glad we sat down and explained what we were doing to annoy each other.

Lockdown is hard for families and couples. Anyone who says it isn't is lying

Really?

We get on much better actually, less stress from driving kids to clubs every night and trying to fit everything in. More time together doing nice stuff that isn't stressful like long walks. He still goes out to work and I work from home though. Maybe that's why.

You are not alone. I do a lot of walks outside. We both wfh. If one person works away it is not the same thing.

Yes sorry I think I was being a bit of a dick there. Of course it's not the same.

We've had a few rocky patches as we adjusted to being at home 24/7 but I'd say we're just as happy as ever really.

The things that helped us was consciously prioritising our relationship with a date night/something fun once a week once DS was in bed. You need to have fun together and remember why you got together in the first place.

Working out routines that work for everyone.

Working 'getting out of the house' into our routine as a daily thing. When the nights were lighter we'd go for a long walk together with DS after work. At the moment it's just the walk too and from the childminder's Mon-Fri and to one of the local parks on Saturday and Sunday.

We also make sure the spend some evenings alone away from eachother when DS is asleep.

not a dick at all! I do live in a v small flat. I think because there is nothing to look forward to. We are all a bit tired of walks. in normal times we would eat out, visit friends, go to museums, laugh a lot . now all our conversation is about supermarket deliveries and whose turn it is to take the bins out.

It’s okay. We’re also in a very small one bed flat, both working from home. There’s nowhere to be. We both work in the living room, we do everything in here unless we’re in bed. That bit has been tough. We walked a lot to start but we’re a bit sick of that now, to be honest!

No arguments here though. We don’t argue, really. There are moments of frustration but they pass quickly and we’re still finding it easy to chat - we haven’t hit that point where it feels like there’s nothing to say, thankfully, we’re still finding things to laugh about and talking about different things. I went for a walk with a friend whose struggling yesterday and I think that’s the first time we’ve been out separately in a good few months, although not intentionally. The option is always there for either of us, we just don’t tend to need it.

But a lot of it will come down to what our relationship was like before. This situation is going to bring differences and frustrations to the fore, and it’s difficult to do anything about them.

Things have been OK mostly but there have been one or two absolutely blazing rows which seem like they come from nowhere but leave me questioning everything about our 20 year relationship. I

t's been a difficult time, husband was out of work for a bit, has found a job now. I don't earn a huge amount, and have had some work stress too. I'm back on the sertraline I've been off and on for a few years. Two school age children, one of them a young teenager. Small house. We're all feeling it. But in some ways I guess living in such close quarters does force us to work things out when they go wrong. My eldest has a friend of the same age (13) who left her mum's house to live with her dad indefinitely because of a row a couple of weeks ago.

You're not just dealing with lockdown, you've been picking up the slack from his illness too, no wonder you are stressed. Do stuff you need for you and see if he shakes himself out of it. If not, figure out a well judged barb about signing up for in sickness and in health but not dickish selfishness.

Bickering, but also grateful to have each other

Also bickering with my sister, one of my oldest friends (ie minor falling out, leave each other to it for a week or 2 and get back to it). With the friend I wonder if she is taking out issues with her hubby out on me!!

I know my friends are the same, and my colleagues joke their biggest achievement in 2020 is not getting a divorce... I guess for families and couples it’s who we turn to for support, but also who see us at our worst!

Ours is like stifflittlefingers, we’re enjoying the time together no commuting etc.

The difficulties are keeping the younger dc occupied and tire them out enough to go to bed at night.

How old are your DC?

Why do you need to find things to occupy everyone.

Your H sounds like he’s making everyone miserable. Everyone in our family can take time out if they want everyone generally does their own thing and we come together for family activities occasionally.

Being with your husband shouldn’t be hard work and walking on eggshells.

Not great. My mother won't see us because she's worried about catching it, she hates talking on the phone and won't use facetime so she's become a stranger which is not going to be easy to come back from when she does decide she will see us again.

@Frequentflier

not a dick at all! I do live in a v small flat. I think because there is nothing to look forward to. We are all a bit tired of walks. in normal times we would eat out, visit friends, go to museums, laugh a lot . now all our conversation is about supermarket deliveries and whose turn it is to take the bins out.

^ agree with all of this. In late Spring another friend basically stopped phoning/chatting as nothing to talk about! (She snapped out of it.... just in time for a winter if nothing to talk about

Small flat, no garden means no peace (public spaces are not the same). London so old life was going out & doing loads ... now it’s watching tv

To add to the thrilling topics of conversation: what shall we eat, let’s debate what movie to watch ... and if people are having a bad day then not necessarily much to do to turn that around

I think it makes difference if one of you is working as normal, outside of the home. You get space from one another, there is something to talk about (conversations he had with colleagues etc). It's far less stressful that couples who are both WFH, the parent at home having the stress of dealing with children / home schooling etc.

OP have you considered couples therapy or counselling? Just talking together about how you feel and what you want from one another might help.

@StiffLittleFingerrs I think the main issues are with couples both stuck at home.
If one of us was out it would be so much easier. We are just constantly on each others toes.

OP "They all literally hunt me down if I go awol for 5 mins."

This jumped out at me. How old are they?

Your DH being horrible while ill - you need to talk to him about that.

PS In answer to your question, I am single but have gone so odd, I'm trying to find excuses to get out of talking to my best friend, it makes me feel worse.

@Francescaisstressed

Lockdown is hard for families and couples. Anyone who says it isn't is lying. You are surrounded by each other 24/7, can't get away and have nothing new to talk about.

My partner and I had a blazing row last weekend, took a few hours away from each other and then made a plan.

Ours was -
Take walks/exercise out of the house alternating away from each other. That way someone gets some time alone.
Start doing activities. We bought a new board game, have bought some date night boxes etc.
Partner never cooks. He's made the effort to buy ingredients and learn to make a curry which was lovely.
Zoom on your own with other people etc

You'll need to find out what's bothering you and what you need but you need to talk it through without yelling. We kept having little mini fights til our blow out, it cleared the air but glad we sat down and explained what we were doing to annoy each other.

Erm excuse me but DP and I have been getting on amazingly in the past 12 months. I'm not lying. We've been enjoying small lie ins, breakfasts together, sorting things out in the house, decorating, walks, watching films and series that have been on our list for ages, and learning to cook different things together. We have argued a grand total of once, which lasted all of an hour. We have never laughed so bloody much as we have in the last 12 months.

Not everyone gets fed up of their partners company. I love spending time with DP and he loves spending time with me. Every second I get to spend with him is a privilege. We are each other's best friends.

We had a fight over how to line a garbage bin the other day. In normal times nobody would care as we would be too busy. One thing that has helped is we occ do silent days. DH has a job where he talks all day in meetings. I also talk a lot. Sometimes we just need not to have the pressure to talk.

@StiffLittleFingerrs

Lockdown is hard for families and couples. Anyone who says it isn't is lying

Really?

We get on much better actually, less stress from driving kids to clubs every night and trying to fit everything in. More time together doing nice stuff that isn't stressful like long walks. He still goes out to work and I work from home though. Maybe that's why.

It’s completely different if one partner works away. It would be interesting to gauge it if he wfh too

It's not easy. Maybe explain you need some quiet time, that it's no reflection on anyone else, you just need an hour or two to yourself each day where you're not interrupted. I put a sign on my home office door saying 'only interrupt in emergency' which really peeved DS2 who likes me to be available 24/7 but it's made me a lot happier, more relaxed and more productive at work.

And he needs to share the childcare with you.

Is he very run down after his illness? That can be horrible to live with. (For him and for you.)

IMO if you realise that spending time with your partner is so tough, maybe they're not actually the one for you. The right partner shouldn't be someone who can only get along with on the proviso that you only have to spend 2 hours each evening with them.

Jeez.

We row a bit more. But we also talk more and our sex life is much improved.

I am struggling with this one. Dh is still working, I am not. As much as I’m worrying about him going into people’s homes as part of his job, I envy him going.
Dh has always been a moody bugger, that is the same. I think I’m the first lockdown we got on really well.
For him, as the driver, it’s easier. He doesn’t need to drop Ds or me off, no constant ferrying about. Comes home to dinner. Everything done. Normally I don’t get home until 7-730 and so eat later which he hates. He prefers to eat earlier.
We are sleeping separately. I go off to bed after putting Ds to bed but his routine is shot to shit.
It’s not great