To ask you, honestly, what your lockdown relationships are like

[Whatafustercluck]

Just had a blazing row with dh. It came from nowhere but I'm still shaking with anger. I can't remember what we used to do for fun, but we haven't laughed together in such a long time. I am thankful when I return to work on a Monday. The weekends are a relentless effort to find things to do. Dh has had health issues for 6 weeks (he was in hospital for 5 days) which has left him lacking motivation, bored and irritated. He can't eat the things he used to enjoy. He no longer drinks alcohol. He's always been quite negative, but I find myself disliking him, or the person he's become, more and more. I am fed up with everyone wanting a piece of me (we have two dc). I am fed up with being accused of shutting myself away/ being in a mood if I dare take 5 minutes to do what I want to do in another room in the house. They all literally hunt me down if I go awol for 5 mins. The kids know how impatient he's become and we all walk on eggshells as a result. He's hard work. The cat died while he was in hospital. One of the first things he did upon returning home was complain that I'd chosen to bury her rather than cremate. He did end up apologising (he always does). I've bitten my tongue for six weeks. I've tried encouraging him to take more exercise to make him feel better. Invariably I'm left entertaining the dc while he searches for things on the Internet, intermittently asking my opinion about something or other. I give it and he immediately puts up an abstacle in response to my suggestion.

We haven't been on a family walk for weeks (I've taken the dc out alone most weekends). When he does come out he grumbles and complains the whole time.

He's not lazy and he does loads around the house, he always has. So when he's not on his phone he is finding things to do around the house.

But I said in sickness and in health. He's 9 years older than me and I'm now realising exactly what that might entail. We've been together 20 years. I don't want to live like this any more.

I've come food shopping to get out of the house. Alone. It wasn't always like this but I'm trying so hard to remember what it was like before Covid, before his illness, but all I can see is what it's like now. I suppose I'm trying to gauge whether I should wait it out in hopes of better days to come when the good weather returns and we can do more. Or is this now it, forever?

@adventurealice

Pretty well generally. I feel so lucky to have DH in my life though I have always been a bit frightened he might leave one day so I try my best to make it work and really put the effort in. I think people start having problems when the effort stops.

Why are you worried he’ll leave? I hope he puts in the same level of effort as you.

I’ve posted about it before. There is some resentment on my husband’s part having to homeschool and do “wife work” - while I am working in my home office. He is an accidental SAHD due to redundancy. But generally we are a good team so we enjoy the time together at home. I will miss him when I eventually go back to the office although my company has implemented a flexible working policy when we do go back to “normal” which we never had before so I envisage doing 2-3 days at home going forward. I have enjoyed lockdown if truth be told but am worried about the effect on the economy.

I'm not normally one to say "Give him the benefit of the doubt" when people post about their dh being a twat, but tbh the combination of lockdown and his health issues might have taken a real toll on his state of mind.

I've been having some as-yet undiagnosed health issues myself over the past few months, which have affected what I can eat and drink, and which could still turn out to be something pretty nasty. It preys on my mind a lot and I haven't been myself.

@temproasted

I can't quote Linda Ellen's first post but I think that's a really insensitive post to put in here.

Great that you've had the best 12 months and 'never laughed so much' 🙄 Really helpful for the op to read that.

The OP has asked for people to tell her what their relationships are like through lockdown. Its been mainly 5 pages of people saying they are also having a hard time, and I think about 3 or 4 people who have said the opposite. Its perfectly reasonable to give a balanced view that actually, no, not everyone's relationship is falling apart. Lockdown has made some relationships stronger. That's not a boast, or rubbing it in, or unnatural. Its just a fact that people are having different experiences.

Could it have been stated more reasonably? Yes. But that doesn't mean she isn't allowed to say that her relationship is going well just because the OPs isn't.

The OP thread is titled "To ask you, honestly, what your lockdown relationships are like" That invites comments from people with good, bad or neutral experiences.

You make a fair point redhead. I do agree with you. I think it was more the tone of the posts that bothered me but you're right the op wanted a range of responses. I'll admit that I was having a particularly pmt/grumpy day yesterday

We are doing ok, better than expected.. we do have "separate room nights" as named by dd (11) a few times a week to get some space.

Well, my relationship ended so it's gone swimmingly.

Lockdown has been horrendous, I feel for you OP. For once, I am thankful I don't have kids yet and haven't had to deal with the headache of working and home schooling..!

@Francescaisstressed

Lockdown is hard for families and couples. Anyone who says it isn't is lying. You are surrounded by each other 24/7, can't get away and have nothing new to talk about.

My partner and I had a blazing row last weekend, took a few hours away from each other and then made a plan.

Ours was -
Take walks/exercise out of the house alternating away from each other. That way someone gets some time alone.
Start doing activities. We bought a new board game, have bought some date night boxes etc.
Partner never cooks. He's made the effort to buy ingredients and learn to make a curry which was lovely.
Zoom on your own with other people etc

You'll need to find out what's bothering you and what you need but you need to talk it through without yelling. We kept having little mini fights til our blow out, it cleared the air but glad we sat down and explained what we were doing to annoy each other.

Lockdown hasn’t been at all hard for us as a couple. We eat breakfast and lunch together, have tea breaks together, walk the dogs in the afternoon, have plenty to talk about. Hasn’t taken a toll on us at all. Not lying.

Lockdown is hard for families and couples. Anyone who says it isn't is lying

Anyone who doesn't share your experience is automatically lying? I've found lockdown hard personally but the only saving grace was having my husband home too. He usually works insane hours and doesn't see the DC (ages 3&4) from Monday to Friday as he leaves before they're awake and comes home when they're already in bed. So being around has done wonders for their relationship and ours too.

It also means I get to escape for a walk/break from the DC and I don't have to be the only one cooking for a change (I HATE cooking) if he was out at work and I was stuck here solo with the DC I would be going INSANE. We live in the countryside with tons of space and his family have a farm so he helps out a bit on that for a break too. Perhaps if we were stuck in an apartment together 24/7 it would be awful for our relationship but there's definitely been positives for us. We fought much more pre-covid.

Its hard op agree. We went walk yesterday with the dog. Hard if they home 24/7 as mine is work from home. Tesco gets me out here ha. Hard when so little open

My relationship is a mess, frankly. Lockdown makes it impossible to ignore the things I might otherwise be able to. Several things have happened that have made it abundantly clear that, when it actually matters, my husband won’t be there for me. Knowing that for certain has been a very hard lesson to learn.

But I’m pretty much stuck. For all sorts of good reasons, I’m stuck in this situation, in this place, for the next 15 years, give or take. At least a return to something like normal life might make that feel less like a prison sentence.

My relationship in general has held up remarkably well all things considered. It's lost some of its lustre due to the fact we can't go out and some of the underlying irritations (on my side and no doubt on his) have been amplified, but its still at core respectful, kind and loving. No mean feat when you throw into the mix the fact that he's lost his job and I have an intransigent 10 year old who is not his.

The one thing which has saved us is fact we don't live together. I don't think I'd have survived any relationship under lockdown.

This whole saga has really reinforced to me the importance of having your own space and being able to get away from someone else and how this really supports longevity in relationships, to be honest. And made me doubly committed never to cohabiting with anyone again.

It hasn't been the easiest 12 months, what with redundancy and furlough and homeschooling 2x dc, one with adhd, but dh and I are fine. We haven't argued or stressed at each other at all. In some ways it has brought us closer.

2 out of my 3 siblings are getting divorced however and although the problems were always there, the stress of lockdown with dc with SEND whilst working as keyworkers has brought them to the surface and magnified them.

It might be helpful if posters could say something about their set up for context.
Eg 'we're happy as Larry but we're not both trying to wfh and look after/homeschool children' would set the scene a bit.

Mon-Fri we have no time for lie-ins, long breakfasts/lunches, long walks, spending ages cooking something novel etc as like many, our working hours are now spread across 12+ hours a day to accommodate home schooling.
We do our best to be kind to each other at the weekends and try to do things together. But its hard. We all miss our friends.

Dp and I have undoubtedly got on better when the schools were open as we had more quality time for each other and dd and weren't constantly trying to gauge who's work call was more important.

It's just not comparable if you don't have stresses on your time - whether those stresses are work, caring responsibilities or health issues.

Dull and tedious .... DH WFH and I am furloughed - DS at Uni, I know I have it a lot easier than many of you trying to WFH, home school, worried about finances, no garden etc but I think most of us (except a lucky few ) just find it relentlessly boring ... I am sick of the only source of conversation being 'what shall we have for dinner' and 'what shall we watch in tv' ... doesn't help that we like different things to eat and different tv programmes . We do as much as we can separately - just to have a break from each other ....

Had we still been together I'd be a statistic by now. I can't thank the OW enough.

My mess involves a baby, a miscarriage, a homeschooling child, my husband’s two children from a previous relationship and, mostly, his utter selfishness about just about everything. The final point is the problem, but he manages to use the others to manifest it in some quite astounding ways.

@DoverSoul

Had we still been together I'd be a statistic by now. I can't thank the OW enough.

I imagine many women ultimately end of thinking the OW did them a huge favour.

You signed up for in sickness and in health, not to put up with shitty behaviour and laziness.

Lockdown is hard for families and couples. Anyone who says it isn't is lying. You are surrounded by each other 24/7, can't get away and have nothing new to talk about.

It honestly hasn't been an issue for us. Neither being together 24/7 or finding new things to talk about.

Both being extremely busy with work helps I think.

Lockdown is hard for families and couples. Anyone who says it isn't is lying

Keep telling yourself that.

Or just accept that different people have different experiences at different times in different relationships.

I barely speak to mine now. No exaggeration either. No physical contact.

Yes, my husband is a cunt and basically always has been. I tolerate him though as divorce would be too tough on the kids and I'd miss them too much when they were with him. I take the kids out on my own, I prefer it when he's not there.

Lockdown has just reiterated what I've always known

I imagine many women ultimately end of thinking the OW did them a huge favour.

^^
Yeah, unfortunately mine's too lazy to have an affair

We're both full-time WFH and the kids are both in school.

He never goes out though - ever. I tell him to go out, he can't be arsed. Fucking hell