To ask you, honestly, what your lockdown relationships are like

[Whatafustercluck]

Just had a blazing row with dh. It came from nowhere but I'm still shaking with anger. I can't remember what we used to do for fun, but we haven't laughed together in such a long time. I am thankful when I return to work on a Monday. The weekends are a relentless effort to find things to do. Dh has had health issues for 6 weeks (he was in hospital for 5 days) which has left him lacking motivation, bored and irritated. He can't eat the things he used to enjoy. He no longer drinks alcohol. He's always been quite negative, but I find myself disliking him, or the person he's become, more and more. I am fed up with everyone wanting a piece of me (we have two dc). I am fed up with being accused of shutting myself away/ being in a mood if I dare take 5 minutes to do what I want to do in another room in the house. They all literally hunt me down if I go awol for 5 mins. The kids know how impatient he's become and we all walk on eggshells as a result. He's hard work. The cat died while he was in hospital. One of the first things he did upon returning home was complain that I'd chosen to bury her rather than cremate. He did end up apologising (he always does). I've bitten my tongue for six weeks. I've tried encouraging him to take more exercise to make him feel better. Invariably I'm left entertaining the dc while he searches for things on the Internet, intermittently asking my opinion about something or other. I give it and he immediately puts up an abstacle in response to my suggestion.

We haven't been on a family walk for weeks (I've taken the dc out alone most weekends). When he does come out he grumbles and complains the whole time.

He's not lazy and he does loads around the house, he always has. So when he's not on his phone he is finding things to do around the house.

But I said in sickness and in health. He's 9 years older than me and I'm now realising exactly what that might entail. We've been together 20 years. I don't want to live like this any more.

I've come food shopping to get out of the house. Alone. It wasn't always like this but I'm trying so hard to remember what it was like before Covid, before his illness, but all I can see is what it's like now. I suppose I'm trying to gauge whether I should wait it out in hopes of better days to come when the good weather returns and we can do more. Or is this now it, forever?

You are dealing with a lot.

What sort of illness and whats the prognosis?
What age are the children?

First off, you need to tell him that the kids walking on eggshells CANNOT continue.

However bad he feels, THAT cannot contine.

Complete non negotiable.

It's a difficult enough time for children without a grumpy father stressing them.

Some men as they get old adopt a really grumpy man demeanour and it is very tedious to live with.

I play golf with some women who are desperately missing their sport as it gave them much needed space from their spouses.

I think when you calm down, you are going to have to have a sympathetic but very firm chat with him.

His misery cannot poison the children's lives.
He's going to have to fake it until he feels it.

Lots of people suffer illness/pain without taking it on their children.

You definitely need to also carve out time for yourself.

I can't quote Linda Ellen's first post but I think that's a really insensitive post to put in here.

Great that you've had the best 12 months and 'never laughed so much' 🙄 Really helpful for the op to read that.

We (me, DH and DD14) are doing fine. No arguments. All working / studying at home

From what I see on here, resentment often arises from one partner continuing as normal, expecting the other to pick up the slack. We have a fairly even balance, all do chores, and we're all naturally tidy

I think it's important to spend time apart, whether it's going for (yet another) walk, or whatever

Honestly, we’ve been fine. DH usually works away Mon-Thursday eve, sometimes Friday eve (regional trainer type thing). Has wfh since last March. I’ve loved it, so has he. We’re dreading him going back out on the road. Our lives have been far happier and it’s been lovely eating together, sleeping together more than 3 nights a week.

The people having a great time seem to be the ones where one or both partners have continued to work outside of the home, and/or where there are no young children to care for/school.

It's hardly surprising that the ones struggling are the ones who are all stuck at home together with only the bloody walks for escape.

This is a really interesting thread and I’m finding it very though-provoking to read about everyone’s experiences.

Mine is quite a new relationship and he moved in because of tiers/lockdown (we wouldn’t have taken this step at this point otherwise, but it’s right for us because otherwise we would both just be fucking crazy lonely).

And it’s OK! But we do both get very bored a lot of the time - we are both love going to the pub for a pint or two, or round the shops, and are both quite itinerant people who like getting away for the weekend or whatever. My house is tiny so we are stuck in the same small living room for days at a time. I WFH, and he is now partially furloughed, which makes matters worse. Tho for the days he is not furloughed he often works away (over-nighters) so that helps.

Other helpful factors are that I have a dd, who mainly lives with her dad currently for home-schooling reasons, but I regularly go and stay in his house to spend time with DD while he goes and stays with his girlfriend (who is his support bubble). So I get a change of scene and company. And even getting to spend time with dd’s dad (we are permitted to do so according to The Rules) is a nice change - we are good friends and enjoy a coffee and a chat before he buggers off, or even sometimes a glass of wine if his girlfriend is picking him up....

My boyfriend has no kids but is his best mate’s single adult household support bubble, so he goes and stays there sometimes and I think that does him good. As far as I can glean they mostly sit in silence and watch shit movies. But again, it’s a change of scene and company. I envy him this - I would kill to be in a bubble with one of my closest friends right now. But at least I have dd, and her dad, who is a friend.

My fella and I spend LOADS of time watching shit on TV while simultaneously being on our other screens (he browses eBay a lot and reads about current affairs - I go on social media and incessantly over-text my best friends and my mom!) We don’t talk much (which is how we both like it). We are still in the honeymoon period so loads of time spent shagging.....We don’t argue at all so far, tho yesterday we had a bit of a domestic disaster and he did say something in the heat of the moment that made me want to stab him - but I bit my tongue and bitched about him to my friends instead, as I just could not stand a fall-out during lockdown.....

But the whole situation is massively sub-optimal and taking a toll on both of our mental health, and I do bitterly regret the fact that, at a stage in our relationship where we should both still be getting dressed up for each other and feeling excited about meeting up in the pub that evening, we are sitting in a tiny room staring at Top Gear for 12 hours at a time and having boring conversations about what we should have for dinner.......

@mistermagpie

The people having a great time seem to be the ones where one or both partners have continued to work outside of the home, and/or where there are no young children to care for/school.

It's hardly surprising that the ones struggling are the ones who are all stuck at home together with only the bloody walks for escape.

We’re all at home with school age kids... relationship with DH is ok (as I said before our issue pre lockdown was lack of time together)

However... don’t ask me about my relationship with DC1 😬 bloody awful

Lockdown is crazy hard.

My husband is amazing kind funny and my best friend. We are very in love and havent run out of conversation in lockdown.
We are the annoying couple the irritate the hell out of others by being stupidly loved up and never fighting.

We have no children and ample room in our home and good outdoor space.
Nevertheless it has not been great. Two recent incidents are

1. I have burst into tears and stormed off about a cup of coffee.
2. He ended up screaming at me about a pair of socks and demanding I removed said socks.

After both events both of us were like 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♂️
Lockdown is fucking everybody up.

Tbh LindaEllen post which absolutely seems to a little insensitive (its clear the op is struggling and was looking for advice or company) also puts me in mind of these very co-dependant couples I know where the dh doesn't talk very much.....but could be wrong. We are getting on well but naturally its good to have a bit of a break from each other every now and again and to socialise with others.
@billy1966 what a brilliant and constructive post, wise words.

I saw an advice thing for relationships that you should have a date night in the house and not talk about work or the children.

What the fuck else are we supposed to talk about?!

Not great. We’ve been together for quite a long time since our teens and we have 5 DC. We’ve always got along well because we’re like best friends who also fancy the pants off each other but lockdown has been a killer for us. We barely get time apart now, we obviously can’t see many people outside of our household, we can’t go anywhere at the weekend together aside from endless walks which is just boring now and I think we’re just sick of the sight of each other a lot of the time. Sex life is the lowest it’s ever been which doesn’t help, we’re both just down and exhausted by life.

I find we’re snapping at each other a lot more than ever before and I really resent silly things he does which never bothered me before. I’ve spoken to friends about this and they’re all feeling the same, they just don’t like their OH’s very much at the minute despite always getting along before.

I think it’s normal to feel the strain under such stressful times. We’ve all basically been imprisoned together for a year.

We are managing quite well but dh and are making sure we both get alone time. Dh appreciates that when we’re all home dcs are far more likely to ask me stuff than him so he ensures he takes them out at times and we both go out alone or to meet a friend at other times to exercise.

My DP and I are going out to work every day and we also don’t have children, so frankly it’s very different as we’re not at home together all the time. We were at the start of the first lockdown when I was still studying, and that was nice. We spent a lot of time in the park together when we were allowed to. Not having children is a massive thing - we spend plenty of time alone together as well if that makes sense. I get to watch what I want and he tinkers away on various projects. So it’s not really comparable to your situation OP, as we don’t have the same stressors, but I would say lockdown has made me realise what a precious gift he is in my life.

Me and DH are ok if a bit short with each other which we do keep apologising for. DS2 has gone to live at his Dads and I dont think our relationship will ever be the same again which is heartbreaking.

DS1 and 3 are OK but bored senseless. Its shit now isnt it. Boring and shit. I'm still working and get to leave the house to go see clients which is the only thing keeping me hanging on.

@Sooverthis1

Tbh LindaEllen post which absolutely seems to a little insensitive (its clear the op is struggling and was looking for advice or company) also puts me in mind of these very co-dependant couples I know where the dh doesn't talk very much.....but could be wrong. We are getting on well but naturally its good to have a bit of a break from each other every now and again and to socialise with others. *@billy1966* what a brilliant and constructive post, wise words.

Exactly this! Also makes me think that they don't have any friends hence why it's been such a wonderful 12 months. Ffs. I wouldn't normally jump on someone's post like this but that one has really annoyed me

DP is working out of the home as normal and works long hours so we are not really seeing any more of each other than in normal times. Sometimes I get snippy with him if I feel I've been alone in the house too much but that's my fault, not his. Otherwise we get on OK.

We are good, better than before. I put it down to the following:

1. neither of us has been furloughed or lost our jobs so we have plenty to occupy ourselves with
2. we are very lucky to have space for us to not be on top of each other all the time. A table each, a room each, and lots of outdoor space
3. less time spent on hobbies and socialising means I’ve been able to help him with his stuff (he farms so it’s helpful having a spare pair of hands and I can do some of the things he stresses about eg making phone calls)
4. good neighbours, nice community, jobs that involve inevitable face-to-face contact (I’m a teacher, and farming is largely solitary but aspects of it involve unavoidable human contact eg whenever you buy or sell anything) so we see people other than each other and can do this without breaking lockdown rules
5. discovered shared treats and joys, as well as giving each other space to indulge in our own interests
6. we genuinely like and respect each other so it hasn’t been a terrible burden
7. he pulls his weight in the house and I pull mine outside so no reason to fall out

@mistermagpie

I saw an advice thing for relationships that you should have a date night in the house and not talk about work or the children.

What the fuck else are we supposed to talk about?!

The weather ?

It has caused more strain than was already there for me and my DH.

I have a job that spills into time at home, two young children and like you, people follow me around the house - even DH. I’m doing nothing well as my mind cannot focus and I just want people to leave me alone in peace. This obviously makes me not much fun to live with.

There is nothing new to talk about, nothing to plan and I miss the rest of the people I love that I cannot see. At the same time, I feel immensely guilty because I know how lucky I am to have my family and so my self worth is about zero right now.

Now might not be the time to make a decision for you. You have a lot going on and wider things to consider which might be easier to do once you are less in the pressure cooker of lockdown and can think through your emotions more clearly.

We are quite ratty with each other - for obvious reasons! We are spending too much time together and not enough time with other people. Life is very quiet and dull and samey.

In your case op I would give your dh a bit more time to recover and adapt to his new circumstances and state of health. He's only been unwell for 6 weeks.

But do sit the whole family down and create some boundaries re. alone time. Explain that it's important to you that they don't "hunt you down" if you're doing something else for an hour.

Stop giving your dh your opinion on his internet searches if he never takes any heed of you. Tell him why.

It sounds really really tough for you op at the moment but I don't think now is the best time to call time on your relationship.

We're doing fine, thank goodness. Me, Dh, teen ds and df, all rubbing along pretty well together. We do have a big house though, which helps a lot, and ds is pretty much self-sufficient!

DH and I have had a couple of rows recently but that's been more related to a specific non-lockdown-related issue that has caused us a bit of stress. In terms of spending a lot of time together, it's been fine. We've become closer, we talk about everything and we laugh a lot.

I think things would be very different if we had small children though. Much, much more stressful.

Pretty well generally. I feel so lucky to have DH in my life though I have always been a bit frightened he might leave one day so I try my best to make it work and really put the effort in. I think people start having problems when the effort stops.

Living with someone with a chronic condition is really really hard. The best advice I was given was you have to look after yourself and build a little shell round you. And also work out if it is what you want to do.

And, in a good moment, discuss the difficulties and what you can both do to make it easier.

My sister is in an abusive relationship. She blames lockdown for her problems because it's easier than pointing the finger at her partner. I told her it's not lockdown, that this is what cohabitation with him is like. He moved in with her at the start of last year's lockdown and this is what he is like. Maybe lockdown hasn't helped but it hasn't caused his actual day to day behaviour. He has.

Lockdown is like all the other things that are blamed for problems - social media, alcohol, violent video games etc. But they are just outlets of human behaviour. Blame the people, not the situation.

We always make an effort @adventurealice , spend time together as much as a couple can who have small kids and no babysitters. Its not just about effort, it's the environment that we are in now especially (in my view )trying to keep a roof over the heads, educate small children and look after the physical and emotional well-being of other people. All of this is tricky enough but many people are chronically sleep deprived with young kids also which of course can put a strain on any amazing relationship and even more so in the midst of a global pandemic!!