To ask you, honestly, what your lockdown relationships are like

[Whatafustercluck]

Just had a blazing row with dh. It came from nowhere but I'm still shaking with anger. I can't remember what we used to do for fun, but we haven't laughed together in such a long time. I am thankful when I return to work on a Monday. The weekends are a relentless effort to find things to do. Dh has had health issues for 6 weeks (he was in hospital for 5 days) which has left him lacking motivation, bored and irritated. He can't eat the things he used to enjoy. He no longer drinks alcohol. He's always been quite negative, but I find myself disliking him, or the person he's become, more and more. I am fed up with everyone wanting a piece of me (we have two dc). I am fed up with being accused of shutting myself away/ being in a mood if I dare take 5 minutes to do what I want to do in another room in the house. They all literally hunt me down if I go awol for 5 mins. The kids know how impatient he's become and we all walk on eggshells as a result. He's hard work. The cat died while he was in hospital. One of the first things he did upon returning home was complain that I'd chosen to bury her rather than cremate. He did end up apologising (he always does). I've bitten my tongue for six weeks. I've tried encouraging him to take more exercise to make him feel better. Invariably I'm left entertaining the dc while he searches for things on the Internet, intermittently asking my opinion about something or other. I give it and he immediately puts up an abstacle in response to my suggestion.

We haven't been on a family walk for weeks (I've taken the dc out alone most weekends). When he does come out he grumbles and complains the whole time.

He's not lazy and he does loads around the house, he always has. So when he's not on his phone he is finding things to do around the house.

But I said in sickness and in health. He's 9 years older than me and I'm now realising exactly what that might entail. We've been together 20 years. I don't want to live like this any more.

I've come food shopping to get out of the house. Alone. It wasn't always like this but I'm trying so hard to remember what it was like before Covid, before his illness, but all I can see is what it's like now. I suppose I'm trying to gauge whether I should wait it out in hopes of better days to come when the good weather returns and we can do more. Or is this now it, forever?

@oil0W0lio you are living the dream

Many good days, some great, a few fucking awful. I’m finding it harder as when I go to work my drive is 5 minutes each way, so my alone time in a day would be 12 minutes including parking the car. DH has a 40 minute drive each way twice a week so gets some time then to be on his own.

This week I’ve resorted to watching foreign language dramas on iPlayer as no-one else likes them. I can put in my earbuds and watch in peace. I’ve even learned a few words, which makes it feel productive.

Ours has got better tbh. I recognise we’re quite probably in a minority, but I think we’re the type that are happy in our own company and are homebodies at heart. We are all gamers and that’s our ‘social’ time without being just us. It occurred to me the other day there’s been very few angry outbursts.

It's been a year of working and schooling from home (we opted to keep the DC virtual instead of dealing with on again, off again school) and it's been pretty lovely.

Lockdown routines have been established for a year now and they feel quite natural to us - family dinner time, more cooking at home, little to no time spent commuting (I told DH to GO to the office if he wanted to when it was open a bit over the summer and he did, and discovered he didn't want to anymore so he continues to WFH.) With the WFH situation we've been able to reduce child care costs and save a lot, some of which is staying as savings, some of which we have invested in the house, and some of which we're going to use on our next few holidays.

I do wish there were some more free time with just DH and myself (we just celebrated our anniversary and unlike every other year we haven't been able to travel away to celebrate) but we'll get there.

Haha, I can well imagine pre kids we would have the lovely idyllic time described by some! 3 small kids change the dynamics somewhat, em no Netflix , lie-ins together, not a lot or any lounging around tbh ( all of which makes life easier and more relaxed obviously) we are also v independent people who need some space at times from each other.
Also it's too basic to say that "oh if you can't deal with this maybe they aren't the right one for you" if the couple in question have children to deal with also , basically dealing with other people, other conflicts, not getting adequate rest time as they need to prioritise the needs of others constantly..
Despite this we get on very well, we've never had any help or support from family so used to managing and swapping over, we have kept up running and exercise as this helps us cope mentally and helps with dealing with the full-on nature of children 24/7.

I think op its important to sit down and talk things through about how you can work through things going forward as its going to be challenging for a while yet. The grumbling whenever you are out and finding things to keep busy at home is classic trying to bail out of the hard graft that is family life, you also need downtime! Tbh it's a break for us if one of us gets to do jobs on our own! We always free each other up to go for a run or to have some headspace etc. We also do really nice family activities like cycling together and playing boardgames which is really positive together. We are pretty tired as our days are very full on with the kids so sleep is a priority but we also have an evening where we watch a movie, eat nice food and have a few glasses of wine. I just don't think its comparable the relationships without small kids in lockdown vs relationship with small kids in lockdown. Obviously the former can have loads of issues too but come on of course its more challenging and that's not a "race to the bottom" comment, we adore being parents but its just obvious that its tricker at times..

Definitely agree with a pp the age of the children is key here too

[quote bombastical]@oil0W0lio you are living the dream[/quote]
I know please don't hate me for it🙈
I live in a tiny flat with no garden and most people would find my life very dull- personally I find it fascinating but I have a very high boredom threshold and am uber introspective😶

Op, in the first lockdown I ended things with my DP because of his anger and how it was affecting us all. It had been coming for a while. He'd got paranoid and controlling and we were all walking on eggshells around him. Lockdown made him worse.

This time I'm with a new DP (living separately yet bubbled) and it's so much better. I think lockdown amplifies any problems, and that anxiety over it all can make things worse. Kindness and communication really helps, but you can only change yourself. And sometimes you just have to ask yourself whether you're living with an arsehole.

I think I shall use this as therapy.

Husband was working very long hours from March last year until November out the house. I was working very long hours in the house. We seemed to rub along ok but I was tired of being the post office box and cleaner as well but he was working 12 days out of 14.

November husband lost his job and took a significantly lower paid job with 7 on 7 off. Much better hours but sits on his ps5 all day whilst I'm working. Doesn't make any drinks, lunch or dinner. No cleaning. All left to me, who is still working shit hours.

DSS comes over every other weekend. Guess who cleans up after them. I know I need to talk to DH but I'm all over the place emotionally.

Work expect us to meet full target with 6 furlough days per month, and leads being low. Tbh I wish I was knocking on retirement.

Doesn't make any drinks, lunch or dinner. No cleaning. All left to me, who is still working shit hours
You can do the same, I hereby give you permission⭐ to do the same!
only make food and drinks for yourself only clean up the areas that you personally need to be clean, make a start draw a firm boundary and stick to it
even if it's only a small thing stick to it and build on it
Keep a log, make a plan and stick to it, whatever helps!

I havent' socialised with anybody except my teenagers since July last year. I think it's safe to say that my relationships are fairly shit or don't exist.

I'd say the bad and good are about balanced. We were actually close to divorce before the first lockdown but being at home all the timd has finally given DH the kick up the bum he needed to do stuff around the house. But it's been awful for our 8 year old and so on balance bad, because we keep rowing about her and her behaviour.

Lockdown sucks for relationships. There's noone to talk to but each other, we get quickly frustrated and snappy, because we're both tired and anxious. We've had sex twice in 6 months, because we just can't be bothered with anything anymore...

I'm so hoping for good news soon!

It's also so good to have the option of outlets, for us it was things like pools, gyms, I did classes and we met with friends on our own for coffee and spent time with other people which I think is a healthy sign in a relationship. I believe things will get a lot easier soon, I have a lot of hope and then people will get the breathing space they need.

It's certainly harder to stay positive in times like this but not impossible. Can your husband do some CBT to learn how to change his thoughts into more positive ones?

My husband has been working from home for almost a year and It hasn't affected our relationship at all. Its made things easier for me with our DC and him being able to help out more with them/house work.
We work very well as a team though. Always have.

I agree with posters who say the age of your children is a factor. DP and I have a toddler and a preschooler and we are always bored and tired. We are fed up and blow up at each other over silly things.

We both acknowledge that we aren't really angry at each other, just frustrated by the way things are now.

Our house seems so much smaller than it used to.

It's hard on all sorts of relationships. Look noone ever expected to be spending 24 / 7 in an enclosed area with their DP. We have had weeks where it was wonderful, weeks where it has been bloody hard.

I lost my job during the first lockdown and that led to an identity crisis. DP got made redundant then took a job (which in fairness turned out great for him) that took him away for periods (which brought its own issues as I was then on my own with DC).

Homeschooling, constant money worries. We have had really hard weeks but we ling ago (before covid ) had basically agreed we were in it for the long haul (there is a very specific context to this.... I'm not suggesting struggling is anythi g about lack of commitment at all....just that for us it was an overt issue at the beginning if the relationship).

If you asked me some weeks I would say he was horrendously hardworking and he would say the same.

My DP proposed and interestingly enough afterwards we were talking about the fact that we are going in with our eyes wide open. We know from the last year exactly what the other is like. Bad times included. We have both been unreasonable at times , there have been moments when we absolutely had each others backs. I have been married before and said that I would not do it again unless I was absolutely sure. Well weirdly I am and so is he. Not because it has been sunshine and Rose's but the opposite. Because it hasn't been. Because after it all we still want to be together ,because we figured it out each time (sometimes well , sometimes badly). Over our relationship we have dealt with serious ill health (mine) and I feel for you OP it really impacts a relationship and a conversation with your DP is more than needed.

I at one point lost the ability to walk and speak. It did not give me free rein to be a dick.

I guess for DP and I we realised if we can make it through this year and still want to be together and love each other....well hell. If ever there was a sign we weren't a fair weather relationship it was now.

Weirdly I have always had a very damaged relationship with my parents and there has been huge strides forward since covid. Huge reparations made on both sides.

It isn't the best. He's been working throughout, only grumbling because tennis and golf are closed.
Meanwhile, I'm super stressed, illegal for me to work, my business decimated, I'm bored, lonely, thoroughly sick of everything and not great mentally. My physical and mental saviour (Brazilian jiu-jitsu) is closed and I expect it will be for a long, long time yet. I feel there's nothing to look forward to.

DH has done nothing wrong, but I've pulled away from him, and whilst it's hurting him, I'm just not bothered or have any desire to change it.

It has been good with DP we lean on each other for breaks.
The DC OTOH I'm on my nerve with DS he is an 18 to 20 hour a day DC.
I've past autopilot now I'm on despair.

Mind you DP is working from site the entire lockdown might feel different if he was wfh.

Erm excuse me but DP and I have been getting on amazingly in the past 12 months. I'm not lying. We've been enjoying small lie ins, breakfasts together, sorting things out in the house, decorating, walks, watching films and series that have been on our list for ages, and learning to cook different things together. We have argued a grand total of once, which lasted all of an hour. We have never laughed so bloody much as we have in the last 12 months

Not everyone gets fed up of their partners company. I love spending time with DP and he loves spending time with me. Every second I get to spend with him is a privilege. We are each other's best friends

I hope this thread doesn’t degenerate into a boastathon with people falling over themselves to prattle on about how wonderful their relationships are.

My marriage didn't survive lockdown and if he is making you that unhappy then just think to yourself - this is it - life - we only get one chance. do you want to live out the rest of your days unhappy?

Sorry to hear some sad stories. Ours is great but we have been married 25 years and still want to be together, make each other laugh and I still fancy him luckily. We both are keyworkers though so still working as normal. That probably helps.

God no wonder you're stressed.

Me and DH get on great, we are proper best friends and all that, have loads in common and communicate really well but even I was him to just FUCK OFF sometimes.

We both WFH and have three children aged 5 and under though, so it's hardly a picnic and at this stage I think most people are hanging on by a thread.

If you can try to carve out some quality time together, that might help? I know, I know, walks and all that is really all there is, it's so hard. Don't be too hard on yourself or him though, these circumstances are terrible.

It's made me realise that we won't work longterm as a couple with both of us at home at any given time. He's always been a bit of a grump (he thinks it's endearing), but his impatience with small children makes really dislike him at times. Kids are already feeling being at home by acting silly at times, but the way he speaks to them when telling off goes through me. Walks around like some Victorian housemaster, hands behind back, 'I expressly told you not to behave in such a manner', mixed in with some Homer Simpson level of unkemptness just giving me what MN calls 'the ick'. He does work and expect he will soon go back full time but some days I wonder if our future is salvageable at all as I've really started to forget everything that made me fall for him. One day at a time....