To ask you, honestly, what your lockdown relationships are like

[Whatafustercluck]

Just had a blazing row with dh. It came from nowhere but I'm still shaking with anger. I can't remember what we used to do for fun, but we haven't laughed together in such a long time. I am thankful when I return to work on a Monday. The weekends are a relentless effort to find things to do. Dh has had health issues for 6 weeks (he was in hospital for 5 days) which has left him lacking motivation, bored and irritated. He can't eat the things he used to enjoy. He no longer drinks alcohol. He's always been quite negative, but I find myself disliking him, or the person he's become, more and more. I am fed up with everyone wanting a piece of me (we have two dc). I am fed up with being accused of shutting myself away/ being in a mood if I dare take 5 minutes to do what I want to do in another room in the house. They all literally hunt me down if I go awol for 5 mins. The kids know how impatient he's become and we all walk on eggshells as a result. He's hard work. The cat died while he was in hospital. One of the first things he did upon returning home was complain that I'd chosen to bury her rather than cremate. He did end up apologising (he always does). I've bitten my tongue for six weeks. I've tried encouraging him to take more exercise to make him feel better. Invariably I'm left entertaining the dc while he searches for things on the Internet, intermittently asking my opinion about something or other. I give it and he immediately puts up an abstacle in response to my suggestion.

We haven't been on a family walk for weeks (I've taken the dc out alone most weekends). When he does come out he grumbles and complains the whole time.

He's not lazy and he does loads around the house, he always has. So when he's not on his phone he is finding things to do around the house.

But I said in sickness and in health. He's 9 years older than me and I'm now realising exactly what that might entail. We've been together 20 years. I don't want to live like this any more.

I've come food shopping to get out of the house. Alone. It wasn't always like this but I'm trying so hard to remember what it was like before Covid, before his illness, but all I can see is what it's like now. I suppose I'm trying to gauge whether I should wait it out in hopes of better days to come when the good weather returns and we can do more. Or is this now it, forever?

I think lockdown probably magnifies existing problems. DH is shit with housework (he does all the cooking, sorts out the toddler, gets up early every morning etc I am not in ltb territory) but since we a family of 4 are in our house all day everyday, the housework is more onerous so it is more irritating to me that he has to be told to clean the bathroom or whatever.

Having a baby under 1, I am lucky to have a support bubble so when he really pisses me off I either drive over to my dads for a break, or send him with the kids and I get on with housework without interruptions.

I would say our relationship isn't amazing at the moment but it doesnt feel final. I am confident things will improve if we ever get back to normal.

I'm very lucky, no dependent children and my partner and I live separately, for me 'living apart together' means there is nothing to argue about if we have a difference of opinion we might strop off back to our respective dwellings but then it just sort of dissolves and never really becomes an issue.
Covid/ lockdown hasn't really made any difference to our relationship

LindaEllen Sounds idyllic and that could well be other people’s experience too. Do you have children?

Waiting for someone to be told that if they find it hard going to handle their children without school, toddler groups, libraries, soft play, cafes, family, .... well then having children was not the right move.

@LindaEllen

IMO if you realise that spending time with your partner is so tough, maybe they're not actually the one for you. The right partner shouldn't be someone who can only get along with on the proviso that you only have to spend 2 hours each evening with them.

I think this is a narrow view of how relationships work! Speaking as an introverted solitary type I find it hard to tolerate much in the way of human company I probably spend about 8 hours a week with my partner (we are constantly in touch electronically) I'm happy with this have been with my partner for 20 years and and there's no doubt in my mind that he is the one for me💖💖💖

I want to murder my OH regularly. We get on very well but just occasionally I want to be on my own and just "be" but he is always there, and on his effing phone looking at crap on Instagram. He rarely puts his phone down to talk at times and I find myself waiting to be spoken to. I feel like I instigate a lot of the conversation and the 'flow' of the household. We have a 2 year old which has demolished the remains of our old life which makes it worse. Add a pandemic on top and it's crap.

We’ve got on better during lockdown but that’s because our usual source of conflict is DH’s working hours and the fact I and the DC never see him - so wfh has been a bit of a godsend (not sure DH feels the same way...)

We are all ratty with each other during times of stress though, home schooling, next door’s building work, when DC are acting up due to being lonely and bored. Being on each other’s toes all day.

OP I may have misread but sounds like your DH has been like this for 6 weeks? In a 20 year marriage that’s not a lot. Especially with a lockdown exacerbating everyone’s irritability. You do need to talk to him about his behaviour but given he’s been ill and this is not normal life, I wouldn’t make any long term judgments based on this period.

I agree. Dh working out of the house, has been our only saving grace.

Why won't they leave you alone. That clearly is from before and not just a covid issue. That will take a long long time to retrain your dc to not be like that. I couldn't stand for it, it would've driven me crazy before now. Small steps though OP.

we are a family of 3 adults and 3 teens. We are all getting on each others nerves from being cooped up too long together, although the teenagers do generally keep themselves to themselves in their rooms most of the time but there is a lot more bickering when we are all together. I try to have a walk with a friend once a week just to offload and see a different face.

Any stresses and strains - being in lockdown will amplify them. There is no escape from each other unless you work outside the home. My DH has barely been out of the house in the last year.

Myself and DH have been working harder than ever and him doing weekends and evenings. We are both under stress and the kids mental health is suffering meaning they are needing a lot of emotional support.

I would have a frank talk to say you are worried about him and he hasn't seemed himself since coming out of hospital.

If he can I'd also ask him to take the kids out. I fall into the trap of doing all the work and bending over backwards to give my DH time and space and it doesnt actually help. He is better for taking the kids out. I also get the kids hunting me down after 5 minutes away from them and I hate it! Both myself and DH like lots of down time to recharge and there is none at the moment.

If there is anyone that can help you - like GP taking kids out to the park for an hour so you can have some time take it!!

My dh and I are getting on so so well. I'm not lying.

But we work together, before the pandemic and always, weve always considered ourselves a team. We enjoy a chilled countryside life and spending even more time together has been good for us but we also make effort to give each other some time alone away from the other and the dc. For me that will be a run or solo walk, probably amounting to 3 hours in total across a week and for him I try and the the dc out for a long walk on a sunday so he can nap and watch tv. Again about 3hrs of being totally alone. We're happy doing this

Apart from some ridiculous rows (one was over garlic bread!) and a few niggles, our relationship feels better. But he did have a really long commute before and I used to be a bit resentful he was never here in the week.

Its unreasonable for the entire family to deny you any alone time, that alone would drive me up the wall. I think I'd have to tackle that first.

Being ill can make people grumpy, a lot of that can be based in fear. Serious illness can make you realise your own mortality, you fear losing your independence and health. I wish they'd spell that out to people when you're in hospital and teach coping tactics, because its a well known issue and very common to take it out on the people nearest to you.

The worst thing for me has been the resentment I’ve felt at dh still carrying on normal life going out to work 10-12 hours a day whilst I’m stuck with the dcs at home doing the homeschooling, constant shopping/cooking etc. Especially as he runs his own business and could easily work from home - he just doesn’t want to. But then I read about all these couples arguing and close to divorce (my bf is divorcing her dh)and I think maybe it’s been for the best not having him around! We’ve pretty much argued no more or less than usual.
I sometimes worry about the retiree years - we will definitely need to find separate hobbies!

DH and I are retired and getting on each other’s nerves, I don’t think it’s healthy spending 24/7 with another person whoever they are.
What works for us is getting out the house at different times, being in different rooms etc during a large part of the day. Then when we get together we have something to talk about.

We still love each other a lot and pressures of going into work (long journeys etc) have been removed which is great. We don’t have any childcare support though and would like just a couple of days to ourselves ! The monotony of the same day over and over is getting boring too. I think we are both frustrated with these things which is making us individually feel down. Our feelings for each other are the same though I believe

I enjoyed the first lockdown. Both of us working from home. Kids at home. Daily walks to connect as a family.

We've never been the family that goes anywhere at the weekend type so the kids have continued to play as they did before. DH and I have always been content in each other's company and aren't that sociable anyway! 😂

I think the age of the children has a huge impact. I could not imagine it with an under 5 or over 12 yr old. Very different and I think our experience would have not been as pleasant with toddler tantrums or teen hormones thrown into the mix.

I get it. I'm on maternity leave and DH is furloughed so we are both at home with nothing to do apart from feed and play with a 9 month old. It's tough, we have been bickering often which can sometimes erupt into arguments. We've had many sit downs to discuss what's wrong and work out what each of us are doing to annoy the other but essentially it's just being trapped in a house together for 9 months with nothing to do, nowhere to go and nothing to look forward to. We're getting through it and we know it's not about deep rooted problems in our relationship but bloody hell I'm ready to start work again next month to get some alone time and breathing space. I think it will do wonders for our relationship.

We've been fine, probably getting on better than normal as we only have each other (I'm massively missing my family and leaning on him for more emotional support than I usually should). But I'm also 7 months pregnant and have had a difficult pregnancy, so we're excited about that, and he goes out to work whereas I've been wfh, so we haven't been under each other's feet constantly. We probably wouldn't be getting on as well if we were together at home 24/7!

*usually would, not should

No difference for us. We get on fine.

No children and we have the same jobs, so that probably helps.

All fine here too. Not having children helps about 1000%, I think. Plus we’re both WFH so have busy days, and don’t have additional worries like job loses/financial issues. Generally, we’re happy to pootle around the house together and have never really argued in the 20 years we’ve been together.

None of this helps you though, OP, because what happens in my marriage has no impact on yours.

It sounds like your husband had had quite a healthy scare that brings a drastic lifestyle change for him- that’s hard for people.
Similarly, it sounds like he’s taking his anger/fear out on you, and that’s not right.

Either way, you don’t sound happy at all, and nobody should have to stay on an unhappy relationship.

Three of us at home inc teen DS.

There have been two arguments, one at the start of lockdown when we were adjusting and one quite recently. Both easily resolved. The recent one was about DS going to bed very late and waking me up.

We have got through it by accepting we still need time alone. So I often go for walks by myself DS goes for a run alone every day and DH runs most days again alone. We go out for walks together occasionally.

We meet up for dinner and then watch some tv together every evening. We also all game as a hobby so having an indoor hobby has proven to be very useful. I chat to friends all over the world most days as does DS. DH uses text based chat only. We also have a family zoom meet up once a week.

We have space to WFH and I know that being able to not have work stuff in normal living areas is a saving grace. We also have quite a big garden with a really nice outdoor seating area with a canopy above. When the weather was ok we would have hot chocolate late at night and look at the stars.

If we had small dc and less space it would have been much harder. I think WFH with small dc must be horrendous. The only interloper is the cat who cries if doors are shut so she has attended meetings sometimes much to the amusement of colleagues.

Awful. Fucking awful. Divorce has been considered.

It’s fucking shit. That is all. Every relationship sucks. Apart from my lovely online yoga instructor who is keeping me going.