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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and his phone

117 replies

Seeleyboo · 21/02/2021 06:50

To start off with, I have to say my DH is wonderful. I cannot fault him in any way shape or form yadda yadda. However, he is very touchy over his phone. In the past I have innocently picked it up in front of him and said something like.....can I just look at the internet quickly etc, my daugher may be playing on mine. He then gets edgy and won't allow me to look alone.

Now last night it came to a head. I picked it up and was about to say, can I check the news a moment but he grabbed it from me. I questioned him and we have a heated discussion and I know he tried to gas light me and turn it around. He asked why I don't trust him. I said I never said I didn't trust you but your reaction is over the phone are ridiculous. So my question is, AIBU to persue this or should I drop it.

OP posts:
GobbieMaggie · 21/02/2021 06:57

I would get grumpy if my DP kept trying to go through my phone 🧐

FloreanFortescue · 21/02/2021 06:58

I would say that this is not how an innocent man acts.

He is gaslighting you because he is shifting the blame.

YOU are a suspicious wife.
YOU don't trust him.
YOU spy on him.

In reality:

HE is secretive.
HE is hiding something.
HE is jumpy around his phone.

I'd be searching that phone if it was the last thing I did.

FloreanFortescue · 21/02/2021 06:59

Just to add - mine and DH's phones are a case of "grab and go" if one leaves theirs upstairs etc. We have nothing to hide.

I wouldn't be advocating snooping otherwise.

Original poster
Seeleyboo · 21/02/2021 07:00

I'm not going though his phone at all. And I do trust him but he reaction over the phone is odd. He doesn't sit the texting all day or even looking at it much. Such odd behaviour

OP posts:
RefuseTheLies · 21/02/2021 07:01

I don't like my husband using my phone. It annoys the living daylights out of me. He's got his own phone he can use. I'm not cheating or doing anything inappropriate - but my search history is between me and google Grin

PracticingPerson · 21/02/2021 07:01

I don't look at/through my DH's phone/messages but I'd be Hmm if he reacted like that to me using it to access a website if mine was in another room. We just use the nearest if we are checking e.g. weather or looking something up.

Lochmorlich · 21/02/2021 07:03

Not sure tbh.
My dh only has a basic phone.
Why don't you ask dp to look for whatever information you're after?

You seem determined to keep looking at his phone and he seems over the top about it.

Original poster
Seeleyboo · 21/02/2021 07:03

@practicingperson you understand. I'm not snooping or checking and I've never gone through his phone for anything. I have always asked if I can check something and only if my daugher is playing on mine, which is very rare.

OP posts:
Cheeserton · 21/02/2021 07:04

Sorry, I really hate people messing with my phone too, and I definitely don't cheat because of it. I look after it nicely and I organise it exactly as I want, so why would I want DH grabbing it any time he fancied when we each have our personal devices?

joystir59 · 21/02/2021 07:04

I bet he watches porn on his phone

Muskox · 21/02/2021 07:05

My first thought is porn. Maybe he looks at porn on his phone and thinks you would disapprove?

Original poster
Seeleyboo · 21/02/2021 07:05

@lochmorlick maybe I've worded it wrong but in all our years together I've only recently asked for his phone as my daugher is old enough to play on mine now. Maximum times asked is 3

OP posts:
Muskox · 21/02/2021 07:05

Cross post!

Original poster
Seeleyboo · 21/02/2021 07:06

He knows I don't care if he watches porn and yes, he does watch porn.

OP posts:
TheGoodEnoughWife · 21/02/2021 07:08

This would annoy me too. I have nothing to hide and don't watch porn on my phone but you say you picked it up and was about to ask if you could check something? It sounds like you are grabbing his phone and then asking? Sorry I would hate that.

Wait and use your own phone or a tablet or laptop if you have one?

Muskox · 21/02/2021 07:09

It's one thing for him to theoretically know you don't care if he watches porn... and another thing for you to actually stumble across something he's been watching or searching for.

Aria2015 · 21/02/2021 07:09

Tough one. I don't like it when my DH grabs my phone tbh but it's not because I'm hiding anything. How does he react if you just ask to borrow his phone without touching it or grabbing it? I know it sounds silly but if my DH just asks me for my phone without grabbing it, I react differently and usually ask why and then say yes. If he just takes it and starts to try and use it, I react a lot more possessive. I think its because I do so much on my phone, personal chats with friends and family, work nails etc... It almost feels like he picking my personal diary up!

Bookriddle · 21/02/2021 07:10

I can get like this with my phone, nothing sinister going on, for me it's the thought of my wife knowing I use this forum Grin

bert3400 · 21/02/2021 07:10

Is this possessiveness of his phone a relatively new thing ? This would be alarm bells to me. Infact it was the same with my DH about 6 years ago . He was chatting to women on KIK . I have forgiven him and we went for counselling and it has been a long process to trust him again, but his phone is never locked now . I would be very suspicious if this was my DH.

Oysterbabe · 21/02/2021 07:12

I'm a bit torn. DH and I don't use eachother's phones, I feel like it's a very private thing, almost like a diary. I have nothing to hide as such, just stuff like I have a record of my weekly weight saved in notes I'd keep to myself, talking shit with my friends etc. None of it is disrespectful to him or our relationship, it's just private.

BMHM · 21/02/2021 07:12

My phone is the equivalent of my diary, I hate anyone playing with and I'd probably hover about if someone was!

Original poster
Seeleyboo · 21/02/2021 07:13

It's tough isn't it. I guess I need to not ask for his phone and leave him in peace. I'm not at all possessive over my phone and I guess I selfishly thought others were the same. Thank you for helping me see this.

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 21/02/2021 07:13

Ooo he’s up to something 🤔

Original poster
Seeleyboo · 21/02/2021 07:14

@bert3400 I don't know really as I've only recently asked to use his phone and coincidentally 3 times in a short space of time.

OP posts:
LizzieBirmingham · 21/02/2021 07:20

I’m torn on this. On the one hand he does sound defensive, but on the other I would hate for my husband to casually use my phone because even though nothing I do affects or implicates him in any way there’s still loads of personal stuff on it I wouldn’t want him to see. Private conversations with friends, posts on mumsnet, notes on my phone with thoughts for novels, issues to discuss with my therapist etc. Even though he wouldn’t judge me for that stuff I still wouldn’t want him to see it. So I don’t think being edgy about your partner using your phone is automatically a sign or something being wrong or suspicious. If you don’t have any other reasons for concern, I would be inclined to believe it’s just about personal privacy rather than something sinister.