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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and his phone

117 replies

Seeleyboo · 21/02/2021 06:50

To start off with, I have to say my DH is wonderful. I cannot fault him in any way shape or form yadda yadda. However, he is very touchy over his phone. In the past I have innocently picked it up in front of him and said something like.....can I just look at the internet quickly etc, my daugher may be playing on mine. He then gets edgy and won't allow me to look alone.

Now last night it came to a head. I picked it up and was about to say, can I check the news a moment but he grabbed it from me. I questioned him and we have a heated discussion and I know he tried to gas light me and turn it around. He asked why I don't trust him. I said I never said I didn't trust you but your reaction is over the phone are ridiculous. So my question is, AIBU to persue this or should I drop it.

OP posts:

Desmondo2016 · 21/02/2021 10:37

But I honestly don't get why a phone is a private thing. There is absolutely nothing that I could possibly have on mine that I wouldn't want my husband to know about. It's just a device to communicate people, take photos and access the Internet. And in any case if he did want to use it why on earth would I assume he was going to read my messages or trawl my history, rather than just use it for whatever he needed to pick it up for.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/02/2021 10:51

I think a phone is like a diary, it’s private.

Just use your own and find something else for your child to play with.

sammylady37 · 21/02/2021 10:58

@Desmondo2016

Presumably you use your phone to communicate with your friends? Do you not think they’re entitled to have what they’ve sent to you kept private from your DH? Fine if you want to tell him your every thought/action, but your friends don’t. Or are you one of those people who tells your DH everything about your friends lives because you think you shouldn’t have ‘secrets’ from him?

Desmondo2016 · 21/02/2021 11:01

My point is, if he wanted to grab my phone to check the news or something why are people assuming he would be looking at my messages?! Trust is a two way thing here!

sammylady37 · 21/02/2021 11:10

@Desmondo2016

My point is, if he wanted to grab my phone to check the news or something why are people assuming he would be looking at my messages?! Trust is a two way thing here!

Trust is indeed a two way thing.

You said There is absolutely nothing that I could possibly have on mine that I wouldn't want my husband to know about and I queried whether you think your friends who communicate with you are entitled to privacy? I trust my friends not to blab my private info to their husbands, and indeed have ended a friendship when one person betrayed that trust. Trusting your husband not to snoop is fine, and the minimum I’d expect in a relationship, but I can’t see how you can say there’s absolutely nothing on your phone you wouldn’t want him to know about. I feel sorry for your friends if that’s truly the case.

Desmondo2016 · 21/02/2021 11:15

I don't have such a life full of secrets and intrigue, obviously!

sammylady37 · 21/02/2021 11:17

@Desmondo2016

I don't have such a life full of secrets and intrigue, obviously!

And neither do your friends apparently

There’s no great intrigue in my life, but still I confide in my friends about things that I don’t want shared with their husbands. Being a trusted confidante is one of the tenets of friendship, surely.

addicted2spaniels · 21/02/2021 11:18

I think there are a lot of odd answers on here.

I would never consider my phone private to anyone in the house, let alone DH. But then I've got nothing to hide I guess.

PhilCornwall1 · 21/02/2021 11:23

Do you not think they’re entitled to have what they’ve sent to you kept private from your DH?

Comes to something when friends are "entitled" over the use of your phone. No they aren't entitled to anything.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 21/02/2021 11:23

@addicted2spaniels

I think there are a lot of odd answers on here.

I would never consider my phone private to anyone in the house, let alone DH. But then I've got nothing to hide I guess.

Neither do I - I just don't want people messing about with my stuff, even if that person is my husband.

I wouldn't go through his stuff either. Just because you're married, doesn't mean you give up all your privacy.

Sparklfairy · 21/02/2021 11:23

Why would he be so possessive if he had nothing to hide? this is what my abusive ex used to say which he thought gave him carte blanche to go through every aspect of my private life.

Having said that, if a partner got visibly jumpy and possessive about their phone, it would make me suspicious. Theres a line between respecting privacy and having a total freak out at the thought of 'something's being found. OP isnt 'just looking up the weather' and then taking the opportunity to snoop, so he shouldn't be reacting like that.

I hate using other people's phones as they're always laid out differently to mine and I can never find anything

Thehop · 21/02/2021 11:24

His reaction is way OTT for someone with nothing to hide and would make me suspicious

MrsWooster · 21/02/2021 11:25

Lots of odd answers. She wasn’t asking to go through his diary, simply to use the internet. I would be very concerned-particularly as she knows he uses porn. There’s something on there and it’s much worse than porn. I’d be having a discussion about trust and wanting an explanation and wouldn’t be able to move beyond this without one.

Candyfloss99 · 21/02/2021 11:26

If my partner had let a child play on his phone and now wants to use mine instead I'd suggest to him that he gets his own back off the child.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 21/02/2021 11:26

Lots of odd answers. She wasn’t asking to go through his diary, simply to use the internet

It doesn't matter. It's his phone and he doesn't have to let anyone else use it if he doesn't want to.

sammylady37 · 21/02/2021 11:33

@PhilCornwall1

Do you not think they’re entitled to have what they’ve sent to you kept private from your DH?

Comes to something when friends are "entitled" over the use of your phone. No they aren't entitled to anything.

You don’t think your friends are entitled to think that if they tell you something in confidence you’ll keep it to yourself, and respect that confidence? Wow. Glad I’m not your friend.

Dopeyduck · 21/02/2021 11:34

This is a difficult one, I wouldn’t like DP on my phone but equally sometimes if I’m driving etc I’ll say can you just reply to that message or check this and that. He is probably more protective of his phone than I am. He likes to keep everything just so and I’m clumsy / less careful!!
It’s probably just porn related. You because he knows you know he watches it doesn’t mean he wants you to see it! He probably has naked women pictures or some other related stuff on there from the internet.

I wouldn’t make an issue in the relationship over it.

Tistheseason17 · 21/02/2021 11:34

If my DH reacted that way I'd snoop. BUT - that is because I know my DH does not normally react this way. Everyone is entitled to privacy but you don't need to get aggressive about it.

You know your DH, OP - go with your gut.

MidLifeCrisisSucks · 21/02/2021 11:35

Similar boat to you OP. We used to have the same pin code and pattern to open eachother's phones. Now he uses his fingerprint. I was trying to fix something on his phone the other day. He stood over me while I did it. A whatsapp message came in, totally unsuspecting and not even realising he used whatsapp, I said "ooh look, you've got a message". The app was fingerprint locked... Dig deeper.

AuntyMabelandPippin · 21/02/2021 11:36

Can you get onto his phone yourself without him putting the passcode in? If not, then I bet he's hiding something.

My DH and I can both get onto each other's phones, and will pick them up to look something up if it's the nearest one. However, neither of us bothers to look at the other's messages or texts, because it's not our business.

Lorw · 21/02/2021 11:38

Getting super jumpy and defensive/gaslighting over a phone would make me super suspicious, I think you can gauge someone’s reaction. The fact your writing this OP means that in your gut you have suspicions and it maybe isn’t all about the phone thing, I wished I had listened to my gut feeling once upon a time.

Original poster

Seeleyboo · 21/02/2021 11:40

@mrswooster thank you. I wasn't snooping or going through anything. I've always asked and not grabbed. Only ever asked 3 times in very recent times.

OP posts:

Liervik · 21/02/2021 11:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

BamboozledandBefuddled · 21/02/2021 11:44

Genuinely curious but don't people have their phones locked? DH and I both have fingerprint security set so grabbing each other's phones at random would be pretty pointless.

LindaEllen · 21/02/2021 11:48

I'm not doing anything that I feel the need to hide, but my phone is personal to me, I hate other people (ANY other people) using it.

It's just so full of my personal things - my photos, messages, games, organiser .. it's mine!

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