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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and his phone

117 replies

Seeleyboo · 21/02/2021 06:50

To start off with, I have to say my DH is wonderful. I cannot fault him in any way shape or form yadda yadda. However, he is very touchy over his phone. In the past I have innocently picked it up in front of him and said something like.....can I just look at the internet quickly etc, my daugher may be playing on mine. He then gets edgy and won't allow me to look alone.

Now last night it came to a head. I picked it up and was about to say, can I check the news a moment but he grabbed it from me. I questioned him and we have a heated discussion and I know he tried to gas light me and turn it around. He asked why I don't trust him. I said I never said I didn't trust you but your reaction is over the phone are ridiculous. So my question is, AIBU to persue this or should I drop it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Seeleyboo · 21/02/2021 07:23

Thanks Lizzie.

OP posts:
jobsagudden · 21/02/2021 07:24

I get a bit jumpy if DH goes through my phone, not because I'm hiding anything just in case he finds something embarrassing like something weird I've been Googling or a selfie.

I think suggesting he is gaslighting you in very extreme.

Five67Eight · 21/02/2021 07:28

Well, he does seem possessive, but I really don’t like other people using my phone, and I’m not doing anything sinister on it.

Like others have said, it’s just private to me.

Unless you have other reasons to be suspicious, I’d just respect his privacy.

CuntyMcBollocks · 21/02/2021 07:30

Why would he be so possessive if he had nothing to hide? I get it OP, you're not wanting to go through his phone to check what he's been up to. I think asking to look at the news or use it occasionally for whatever is very reasonable, and my dh and I will use each others phone if ours is on charge etc. I would be very suspicious if my husband started to act the way yours is.

mummyof4kids · 21/02/2021 07:32

Me and DP don't use each other's phones but I don't think he'd mind if I asked him I'm if I could use it,
My phones always lying around and he knows my passcode but if he picked it up and started going through it I wouldn't be impressed and vice versa, I've nothing to hide on my phone but if he picked it up without asking I'd be miffed

Five67Eight · 21/02/2021 07:34

E.g. DH’s phone was next to me earlier, and a message flashed up on it. I averted my eyes!

Silly reaction, it wouldn’t have mattered if I’d seen it. But it’s his phone, and his message to him, from his whoever (friend / acquaintance / colleague / whatever). His business, not mine.

I wouldn’t open his mail, and I’m not entitled to his phone, and the thing is, that it’s not just about using it to perhaps read the news - because we all know that if a message comes in, whoever’s on the phone can then see it.

It really is just about privacy - and while some people are very lax about it, others are not. And it’s not a right or wrong situation. Just each person’s own preference.

Five67Eight · 21/02/2021 07:35

Why would he be so possessive if he had nothing to hide?

For all the reasons people have outlined on this thread.

NorbertMeubles · 21/02/2021 07:36

I have nothing to hide on my phone but hate people borrowing it.

malmi · 21/02/2021 07:42

If someone kept grabbing your diary/journal (the one where you record personal information) because they needed to check what day Easter is going to be this year or whatever, you'd get edgy. A diary is a personal item. Doesn't mean you've been cheating. The fact that they promise not to look at what you've written doesn't make it less intrusive.

So for some people a phone is a personal item, a bit like a diary.

PhilCornwall1 · 21/02/2021 07:43

Wouldn't bother me if my wife used mine, the content of my phone is very boring. If she read my text messages, she might worry I'm having an affair with the NHS Shielding service though!! 🤷‍♂️

Only phone I have that's not to be used by anyone else is my one supplied by work, but we are told to not let anyone else use it.

JE17 · 21/02/2021 07:44

I do this too - use DH phone to check something quickly if DC has my phone. I just look at whatever it is I need, I’ve no interest at all in looking through his phone. This reaction would be very out of character for my DH, sounds like it is for yours too, I’d be wondering what he has on the phone that he doesn’t want me to see.

ShirleyPhallus · 21/02/2021 07:46

I hate people using my phone

What if someone realises I use mumsnet Shock

CuntyMcBollocks · 21/02/2021 07:48

I don't mind my dh ASKING to borrow my phone, but I would be very pissed off if he just kept picking it up to use it. I think there's a difference. I wouldn't just use his without his consent either. I get that some people don't like others to touch their phone, but I would definitely wonder what was going on if my dh became very possessive with his.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 21/02/2021 07:49

I have absolutely nothing to hide, and my phone is totally off-limits to my partner and vice-versa. I expect some degree of privacy inside a relationship, and I wouldn't tolerate a partner who thinks that's in any way 'weird'. I don't expect a completely baseless presumption of guilt, and I will not accept jealousy, paranoia, and suspicion in a partner when I've given them no reason whatsoever to suspect me.

Beline4u · 21/02/2021 07:49

I dont think this is normal behaviour. My husband and I have no issue with picking up each others phones. We dont normally do but if I needed it, he wouldn't think twice about letting me have it and I wouldn't have an issue with him needing mine.

If he is sketchy or funny about it, od be asking questions.

Whyistheteacold · 21/02/2021 07:53

I'm really surprised by everyone else's answers! I guess I am in the minority, DP and I often grab whichever phone is nearest to Google something, take photo of DD or whatever. My DP knows that I use mumsnet (often sit reading threads to him!) and apart from that we don't really use our phones much so there's nothing particularly private on them.

So I guess it depends what your DP is normally like? Has he always been very private and protective over his phone or has it changed recently?

sweetnessnfight · 21/02/2021 07:56

He probably forgot to delete his porn history.

sweetnessnfight · 21/02/2021 07:57

Sorry I hadn't RTFT. Porn ok, in that case-OW

SecretSpAD · 21/02/2021 08:03

Lots of people don't like other people using their phone. I don't. Either my husband or the kids can get into my phone or iPad and that's how I like it. They are all over every other aspect of my life - my phone, my iPad is my little bit of privacy.

He's not gaslighting you, he's just protecting his privacy.

Maybe he's read too many threads on here telling women to go through text messages etc looking for evidence of an affair?

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 21/02/2021 08:07

Why is it that so many mumsnetters can't accept that expectation of privacy is pretty commonplace, but are happy to conclude that it must be porn/cheating etc?

Do you jump to those conclusions any time your DP's receive a personally addressed letter in the mail?, or do you open those as well since privacy is seemingly a totally ridiculous expectation in a relationship?

If he is sketchy or funny about it, od be asking questions

I'd certainly be 'sketchy' about it, and if you took offence at that you'd be out the door. Presumed guilt is not healthy, and not normal.

As for the accusations he's 'gaslighting' by being offended/annoyed, sorry, that's just laughable.

UnsolicitedDickPic · 21/02/2021 08:07

@joystir59

I bet he watches porn on his phone
I was going to say the same thing.
grapewine · 21/02/2021 08:14

@ShirleyPhallus

I hate people using my phone

What if someone realises I use mumsnet Shock

Haha, this.

It's a bit weird though, OP, that he jumps to "why don't you trust me" right away, if you were only asking to look stuff up on Google

CSIblonde · 21/02/2021 08:15

I've always used partners phones & vice versa. Maybe the porn he admits to watching to you, isn't the kind of porn he watches on his phone. If it was another woman,from experience, he'd be on his phone a lot & you say that's not the case. His defensiveness would make me want to know what he's hiding .

Beline4u · 21/02/2021 08:16

@XDownwiththissortofthingX Each to their own. If I irrational behaviour in my relationship, you bet I'd be questioning. Each relationship has their own boundaries.

Catterpillar · 21/02/2021 08:20

I'm a man and I don't like my wife looking at my phone mainly because she'll say something like "so I see you've been on Mumsnet again!"