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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and his phone

117 replies

Seeleyboo · 21/02/2021 06:50

To start off with, I have to say my DH is wonderful. I cannot fault him in any way shape or form yadda yadda. However, he is very touchy over his phone. In the past I have innocently picked it up in front of him and said something like.....can I just look at the internet quickly etc, my daugher may be playing on mine. He then gets edgy and won't allow me to look alone.

Now last night it came to a head. I picked it up and was about to say, can I check the news a moment but he grabbed it from me. I questioned him and we have a heated discussion and I know he tried to gas light me and turn it around. He asked why I don't trust him. I said I never said I didn't trust you but your reaction is over the phone are ridiculous. So my question is, AIBU to persue this or should I drop it.

OP posts:

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 21/02/2021 08:22

@Beline4u

What's irrational about expecting privacy, and perhaps being a bit annoyed/offended when people think they can breech yours with impunity?

I agree that people are entitled to set boundaries within relationships, I just don't understand the presumption of guilt that demanding phone access implies. To me, it's controlling, paranoid, and totally abnormal and unhealthy, hence why will not tolerate despite having nothing whatsoever I'm bothered about hiding on my phone.

To me, if you only feel comfortable by having access to your partners phone on demand, or believe that not having that on-demand access signifies your partner hiding something, you clearly have issues that need addressed. It's not about your partner at all.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 21/02/2021 08:26

I would be suspicious too op. Anyone is welcome to borrow my phone anytime, let alone my husband!

Beline4u · 21/02/2021 08:34

@XDownwiththissortofthingX There is absolutely nothing wrong with privacy. You're right its perfectly normal to be annoyed.

From what I read, she believed he was gas lighting her and jumped on the 'why don't you trust me' - that (to me) is irrational. If he done nothing wrong then why not simply say, I would appreciate if you would ask my permission before taking my phone, and take it back and gentle remind them of their boundary of privacy. Communicate.. just my thoughts.

BabyPotato · 21/02/2021 08:34

I would be livid if my husband used my phone. I really have nothing to hide, I don't cheat or even watch porn but my phone is mine and it's private. I Google really weird stuff and seeing my search history etc without context would make me look odd. My phone is private in the same way my diary is, and my husband knows this and never tries to snoop. He's the same to be fair, so we are on the same page.

oakleaffy · 21/02/2021 08:44

Phones are so often how partners get caught out..
Maybe he has something to hide?

Years ago DH had a book that he was really protective over... turned out the OW had given it to him with a dedication in.

There are apps like a calculator app that are designed to look innocent that are expressly for hiding photos on..

InFiveMins · 21/02/2021 08:48

He's hiding something OP and you know it. His reactions tell you all you need to know.

Standrewsschool · 21/02/2021 08:50

I agree that his reaction is telling, and would make me suspicious. Had he just given an excuse that it needed charging etc, then you probably wouldn’t given it a second thought. However, the possessiveness and grabbing it is a red flag.

It’lo be interesting to see if he is extra possessive with it over the next few days.

Hextopus · 21/02/2021 08:51

I'd be suspicious if my DP had such a strong reaction to me using his phone.
I'll occasionally ask to borrow his to look up something on the internet if our toddler is using mine. I'd always ask first and never look at anything other than what I need to look up on the internet, and he never bats an eyelid- just hands it over.
However, If he reacted like your DH did then I think I'd be inclined to try and find out what he was hiding to be honest.

Skatastic · 21/02/2021 09:29

Totally suspicious of course it is! His reaction is a classic case of someone having something to hide. Either texts or something he is looking at on the Internet. I had the same with my partner a few years ago and I managed to look through it and he had been messaging people on a swinging site and exchanging photos with quite a few women.

Good luck, OP.

Sonicbloom · 21/02/2021 09:35

My dh sometimes picks up my phone to use without asking me. It does feel weird sometimes and I don’t know why ! I have to think of all the things Ive looked at and feel panicky - even though there’s nothing on there that’s bad.
Why don’t you ask to use his phone and see if that makes a difference. If he’s still odd with it ask him why. I might be tempted to look at messages etc if I had other suspicions he might be cheating but wouldn’t otherwise.

Liervik · 21/02/2021 09:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

sammylady37 · 21/02/2021 09:41

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

I have absolutely nothing to hide, and my phone is totally off-limits to my partner and vice-versa. I expect some degree of privacy inside a relationship, and I wouldn't tolerate a partner who thinks that's in any way 'weird'. I don't expect a completely baseless presumption of guilt, and I will not accept jealousy, paranoia, and suspicion in a partner when I've given them no reason whatsoever to suspect me.

I agree completely with this. My phone is private. End of. It contains messages and emails between me and my friends/family, and both they and I have a right to expect those to remain private. It contains notes I have made, some ranging from financial info to my weekly weight change, it contains medical info, it contains my internet search history which is nobody else’s business, it contains posts I’ve made on various fora some of which are deeply personal and only made because of the anonymity of the site etc. Anybody who thinks they should have access to my phone and that my refusal to grant it indicated something suspicious would be in receipt of their P45 pretty sharply. And I will not tolerate the “I’ve been cheated on before, I have trust issues” line being trotted out- if you have trust issues, you should work on them, not expect me to forego my privacy. I’m not going to be made pay for someone else’s alleged transgressions.

M0rT · 21/02/2021 09:54

I think part of this depends on your and your husband's personal boundaries.
We don't tend to use each other's phones at home, maybe to take a photo but both our phones can be unlocked to take a photo without actually opening the phone.
More likely out and about, one phone has died and the navigator needs Google Maps or something.
But both of us have fairly strong privacy boundaries. So I know my DH could have my phone for hours without me there and he wouldn't snoop. Just use it for the internet.
He knows the same.
At the beginning of our relationship he was more protective over his phone and then he realised I won't look in it any more than I would open his post.
So does your DH expect you to respect his privacy or would you be likely to read a text/email if it popped up when you had the phone?

Desmondo2016 · 21/02/2021 09:56

I can't believe how many people are downplaying it. I absolutely categorically would be highly suspicious if my husband reacted like yours. His reaction smacked of guilt. About what, I wouldn't know, but at a guess I would suggest either OW or he's using some kind of sex messaging/interactive porn site. Sorry don't know the proper names for this kind of thing. Only other thing is if he is planning something nice for you, but in lockdown that seems unlikely and presumably there's been some time lapse between the times you've tried to use his phone.

Now, when I caught DH using my toothbrush the other day that DID push my buttons, but my phone- no issue!

ExtraOnions · 21/02/2021 10:00

I don’t like my DH going on my phone ... I Google all kinds of shite, and some personal things, that are my business and nobody else’s.

Standrewsschool · 21/02/2021 10:08

Going forward, I probably wouldn’t make it a big issue. However, watch and wait. See whether his behaviour changes as a result of what’s happened. Does he keep his phone close to him? Phoning/texting at unusual times? Longer work hours? You may even need to play the long game. Any unusual transactions on bank statements?

Hopefully, it’s a storm in a teacup, but no harm in being cautious.

partyofsixteen · 21/02/2021 10:09

@FloreanFortescue

I would say that this is not how an innocent man acts.

He is gaslighting you because he is shifting the blame.

YOU are a suspicious wife.
YOU don't trust him.
YOU spy on him.

In reality:

HE is secretive.
HE is hiding something.
HE is jumpy around his phone.

I'd be searching that phone if it was the last thing I did.

Absolutely.

redtshirt50 · 21/02/2021 10:18

I agree with everyone saying they don't like others using their phone.

I don't like other people using my phone, it makes me feel nervous.

For example, one time I gave my phone to my mum and while she was using it I got a text through from the NHS.

Nothing concerning and something I wanted to keep private, but she went on and on until I showed her the text. Then spent the rest of the day questioning me about it. I decided from that moment on I was going to be a lot more careful about my phone.

Did you directly accuse him of cheating? Or did you just ask him why he was so protective?

If someone did the former it would annoy me and I would probably react like him. If you just asked why I was protective I would explain.

If I was you I would just drop it, unless you start to see other signs something is off.

Norwaydidnthappen · 21/02/2021 10:20

My first thought was porn too especially since you’re mostly using it to look at the internet. Maybe he’s worried you’ll see his history or worried he’s left the tab open. I wouldn’t jump straight into a cheating accusation personally if he isn’t acting suspicious in any other way.

Idefinatelyhavefriends · 21/02/2021 10:21

I'm on the fence with this one. It does sound fishy. But like pps I have googled/made posts on highly personal topics. For example, insecurities I have about my body but I would never discuss this with anyone. Also, even stupid little things like celebrity gossip articles that I wouldn't really tell people I look at. So I even get a bit annoyed if DP is sitting behind me and can see my phone. I don't have any inappropriate messages and don't watch porn.

IdblowJonSnow · 21/02/2021 10:21

I dont like people on my phone either but I've got nothing to hide.

gutful · 21/02/2021 10:30

I think he doesn’t want you on his browser because he has been watching porn & you will see it pop up was predictive suggestion.

pinkyredrose · 21/02/2021 10:33

I dont like people on my phone either but I've got nothing to hide

That's grand. However there's also this thing called 'privacy' that some people like to have.

MirandaWestsNewBFF · 21/02/2021 10:33

YABU. People are entitled to some privacy and a phone is a private thing - like a diary, or a letter. Personally I wouldn’t look at my husband’s phone. If I want to know the weather forecast or the news I just ask him to look on his phone for me. And I’d be cross if he looked on my phone too, not because I’m hiding anything but because it’s private.

HitchFlix · 21/02/2021 10:33

It doesn't necessarily mean he's up to no good. I hate people looking at my phone. It's private and I often have things on there I'd be embarrassed for others to see - even my husband. It's nothing ominous though!

If it's combined with other dodgy behaviour though then I would be concerned.

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