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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blended family not working

114 replies

Welshmum2021 · 19/02/2021 12:54

I have been with my partner for 4 years, both have a child each from previous relationships and have a newborn (8 months). My son is 9 and stepson is 11.
At the beginning both our sons struggled to adjust to the new relationship however now they have a very close bond and couldnt be happier. They have also adjusted to the new baby so well.
My partner is very generous and provides everything we need. I have recently returned back to work part time. He looks after my son well, supports his hobbies and education, provides all he needs financially. However they have always had quite a strained relationship. Despite things being better of late I find on times they have little communication if at all any. partner is not overly chatty in general but some days he may only say a few words to my son.
My son adores partner, he doesnt have a relationship with his birth dad. And speaks highly of partner.
I have such bad anxiety for leaving him with partner when I am not there because of the lack of communication during the day. I dont want this to impact on my son.
We have spoke about it in length which always ends in an argument, he says he is trying his best but he does have some sort of barrier up because of when we moved in together about 2 years ago my son went though a phase of not listening to partner at all. Things have improved a lot. Partner says he wants best for son.
I just cant seems to shift the feeling that I should leave. I feel on edge when i leave son with partner because they dont talk much. Weve been together 4 years and it shouldn't be like this... or am I just over thinking everything?
The children are happy at home but I cant shake this feeling I al doing the wrong thing. I have a very good relationship with his son.
For reference our relationship has been ok for the most part, we did hit a bad patch but have moved on from that.
Aibu to leave or should I just give it more time?

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 19/02/2021 13:00

I'd be listening very hard to that inner voice OP. It's not there for nothing you know. It's your instinct...you need to protect your DS. He may be feeling very rejected...only speaking a few words to him is wrong!

Do not ask your son about this though...I don't know for sure what to do but I suspect it's leave.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/02/2021 13:04

What do you mean by no communication?

So he's with your son over lunch, he gets himself food but doesn't feed yours. Or he silently passes him a place of whatever he's decided to make and sits in a seperate room. Or asks what he wants for lunch and they sit together albeit silently?

How often is his son there? Does he verbalise much to his son? Does he exclude your son when he's interacting with his?

If your DS was there alone with him and he needed something, would he ask him? Would your DP respond and help and check he's ok? Or do it but not ask anything further or just ignore him?

Merryoldgoat · 19/02/2021 13:04

Is there a marked difference between how he treats the two older boys? Is he not very chatty with either? Or just your son?

I think that a 9 year old shouldn’t have the responsibility of making the relationship work and the fact he found it hard to adjust is irrelevant.

It boils down to ‘does he love your son?’ If he doesn’t then for me that’s the end. I couldn’t ask my child to accept someone as a father who didn’t love them.

dayslikethese1 · 19/02/2021 13:08

Is he just a quiet man in general or does he treat your DS differently OP?

GertiMJN · 19/02/2021 13:08

In what ways does his communication differ between your don and his son?

GertiMJN · 19/02/2021 13:09

I mean between your ds and his ds

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 19/02/2021 13:13

When you say your partner has a barrier up because of a few problems two years ago, do you think he's holding a grudge?
Your son was 7 at the time? I think your partner needs to grow up a bit.

Wondergirl100 · 19/02/2021 13:14

LIsten to your instinct here OP. This is a deep and strong reaction telling you to leave your partner - you feel your partner doesn't love or care for your son and doesn't give him what he needs from an adult who has responsibility for him.

HeidiHaughton · 19/02/2021 13:17

Who is more important, your own son or a man you've shacked up with?

XelaM · 19/02/2021 13:21

I think on MumsNet people advise to "leave" way too quickly. There seem to be too many positives from what you describe and you should try to work on the communication with your partner.

Snowymcsnowsony · 19/02/2021 13:21

Does his ds live with you? My exh had issue with my ds being with me more than he saw his ds. Also df guilt for being there more for your ds than his..
Won't change ime.

VladmirsPoutine · 19/02/2021 13:24

Is there a marked difference between how he treats the two older boys? Is he not very chatty with either? Or just your son?

This is the crucial question.

thepeopleversuswork · 19/02/2021 13:24

More details needed I think...

What do you mean by “no communication”?

Do you mean your OH and your DS don’t talk much when they are alone together? Or do you mean your OH is actively ignoring him when he tries to make conversation/asks for help etc.

If your OH is not a naturally chatty or articulate person it may be understandable that he isn’t chatting ten to the dozen with a nine year old. If on the other hand he is ignoring his needs and your son feels rejected by him that’s a very different matter.

HugeAckmansWife · 19/02/2021 13:26

You now have a joint child so those saying 'just leave' are being overly hasty. It's hard to really get a clear picture from what you've said of what the exact problem is. I can only suggest talking openly to your dp and your son about how they feel about things and take it from there.

combatbarbie · 19/02/2021 13:30

Bearing grudges against a child is piss poor! Is he treating the boys the same?

flaunafora · 19/02/2021 13:31

I think it totally depends on the extent of the lack of communication between them. My own situation was different but bottom line was, my own father left, no relationship with him and then my step father practically ignored me until I left home. I definitely have issues now because of that rejection from both of those supposed father figures.

lucywho123 · 19/02/2021 13:31

@XelaM

I think on MumsNet people advise to "leave" way too quickly. There seem to be too many positives from what you describe and you should try to work on the communication with your partner.
Agreed. You have a DC together now - to leave seems like such a leap. Has your DS spoken to you about this? How he feels? Or DSS? Are there vast differences in how he treats them both? or is he naturally just more reserved?
2pinkginsplease · 19/02/2021 13:34

We need more information.

Is your partner a quiet man in general? Does he ignore your son or just doesn’t chat as much to him? Does he treat him different than his other children?

IsThePopeCatholic · 19/02/2021 13:39

If your son adores your partner, I would be reassured by that - unless, of course, you think that it is unreciprocated and that your son needs validation from him.

aSofaNearYou · 19/02/2021 13:42

I think the comments are a bit batshit tbh. From your post alone, it doesn't sound like there is much wrong. You have a child with this man so it's not a simple as "putting your child first". It would be better to just stop relying on him for childcare for your older child.

Except of course if you're just not happy with him, but from your post alone I'm not really seeing the drama.

reefedsail · 19/02/2021 13:43

I think the question is whether he's treating once child differently compared to the other two. Is he more communicative with the other boy and the baby?

Based on what you have written it just sounds like he's not the talkative type, or doesn't much know how to chat to children. If he's generally caring and kind I don't think being a bit quiet is a deal breaker.

MammaMiaWallace · 19/02/2021 13:44

Unless there’s far more to the story or it’s more pronounced than implied in the op, I think if this is the main issue within a blended family you’re extremely lucky!!!!!

Agree with pp about not ignoring your inner voice as well though, so I guess it depends what else there could be that’s causing this if anything.

Or if this is enough for you to leave then that’s something only you can decide, just based on the available info, this to me seems extreme. But everyone is different and you don’t need a reason to leave if that’s what you want to do.

MsMarch · 19/02/2021 13:54

There's not enough information here. Not all parents (or step parents) are chatty etc. To be honest, at home, I don't spend a lot of time speaking with my children either (and it's actually been a real challenge for me in lockdown as so much of my relationship with them is based on us doing fun stuff elsewhere). More importantly is whether he is abrupt/unfriendly? Does he treat your DS differently to his DS? Does he ignore him if, for example, your ds has a problem and needs help will he give it?

Those are fare more important than whether he spends hours each day chatting with him.

2bazookas · 19/02/2021 14:00

What they both NEED is for you to leave DS with DP so they can work out a relationship for themselves.

Both their hearts are clearly in the right place, you just need to step back and give them some private space.

Stop hovering over them both like a big black spy helicopter.

Aprilx · 19/02/2021 14:02

It feels like it would be hasty to leave, particularly because of the shared child. And unless you plan to stay single until your own two children are adults, you could get into an even more complex blended family situation.

I would give it time, it doesn’t sound like there is really that much wrong, particularly as your son adores your partner.