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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blended family not working

114 replies

Welshmum2021 · 19/02/2021 12:54

I have been with my partner for 4 years, both have a child each from previous relationships and have a newborn (8 months). My son is 9 and stepson is 11.
At the beginning both our sons struggled to adjust to the new relationship however now they have a very close bond and couldnt be happier. They have also adjusted to the new baby so well.
My partner is very generous and provides everything we need. I have recently returned back to work part time. He looks after my son well, supports his hobbies and education, provides all he needs financially. However they have always had quite a strained relationship. Despite things being better of late I find on times they have little communication if at all any. partner is not overly chatty in general but some days he may only say a few words to my son.
My son adores partner, he doesnt have a relationship with his birth dad. And speaks highly of partner.
I have such bad anxiety for leaving him with partner when I am not there because of the lack of communication during the day. I dont want this to impact on my son.
We have spoke about it in length which always ends in an argument, he says he is trying his best but he does have some sort of barrier up because of when we moved in together about 2 years ago my son went though a phase of not listening to partner at all. Things have improved a lot. Partner says he wants best for son.
I just cant seems to shift the feeling that I should leave. I feel on edge when i leave son with partner because they dont talk much. Weve been together 4 years and it shouldn't be like this... or am I just over thinking everything?
The children are happy at home but I cant shake this feeling I al doing the wrong thing. I have a very good relationship with his son.
For reference our relationship has been ok for the most part, we did hit a bad patch but have moved on from that.
Aibu to leave or should I just give it more time?

OP posts:
NutellaEllaElla · 19/02/2021 14:06

I think we need a bit more information about the lack of communication as pp have said. It's pretty hard to not speak to people in your household. How different is it compared to his biological son?

ivfbeenbusy · 19/02/2021 14:12

You sound overly dramatic to be honest 🤷‍♀️

But I'm sure plenty of people will be along to say he is emotionally abusive and you should LTB

Original poster
Welshmum2021 · 19/02/2021 14:25

Wow so many messages. Hes not overly chatty with his own son on times. He does tell me he loves my son and my son hears this from him too. I wouldn't say he is treated differently to his own son. The problems in the past was when partner was texting a girl from work but we have moved past that now.
When I say he doesnt talk much to my son it would be a case of asking what he wants for breakfast lunch etc.... then in the eve ask do you want to watch a film. I guess I expected the bond to be better. My son is happy here with him that's what is keeping me here. Hes never expressed he feels left out and we have a very open relationship with eachother. My son went through a stage of just not listening and my partner found it hard at the time but we worked thorough it together. Sometimes I think because I left a relationship with DS real dad who was violent to us I expected my next relationship to be perfect. And it has been to a degree.. there isnt upset in the house, we travel etc kids have the things they want. Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Welshmum2021 · 19/02/2021 14:27

Comparing with his own son, who is 11. He has some additional needs and communication is one of those things. My son is particularly chatty whereas step son isnt. Although he is making good progress since having SALT. I dont feel that my son is left out, I just feel like there is something lacking between them x

OP posts:
Original poster
Welshmum2021 · 19/02/2021 14:28

And as for shackong up... I didnt move in with DP instantly it took a while and made sure my son was happy with the decision first. My priority is that my children are happy. DP is a good dad

OP posts:
Catsick36 · 19/02/2021 14:31

Honestly they'll sort it out themselves. Relax and be happy it's going well. Keep your communication open with your son so he can tell you if there's a problem.

Givemeabreak88 · 19/02/2021 14:31

People are always quick to say leave on here but I’m not sure the op is going to be jumping at the chance of leaving and becoming a single mum to two kids, with two dads then unless she stays single till they are 18 she will have to blend them again with another family. Doesn’t sound like he has done much wrong tbh not everyone is a natural with kids.

Original poster
Welshmum2021 · 19/02/2021 14:33

Thank you. I think I needed to hear those last two comments

OP posts:
Woodlandbelle · 19/02/2021 14:35

I woundnt leave over this. If his own son hasn't good communication (great to hear he is getting support and doing well) then he probably just isn't chatty to either of them. Is there anyone who knows you well that knows your partner and could try and see things objectively. It's really tough though.

Original poster
Welshmum2021 · 19/02/2021 14:37

I have spoken with my closest friends- they are saying to let them work it out. And it will come in time.

OP posts:
notalwaysalondoner · 19/02/2021 14:39

I’d definitely say from everything you’ve said you are looking for perfection, which in a blended family (or any family) will never happen. Your DP is clearly a quiet chap around children, doesn’t express his affection through talking lots, but does so in other ways eg watching movies together. He treats the two boys basically the same, tells them both he loves them, and your son loves him. Just because the relationship doesn’t look how you thought it would, doesn’t mean it’s bad or a problem.

One thing you could try could be to get them to do things together out of the house so they’ll have to learn to communicate a bit more - a bit hard with Covid but going on day trips just them, maybe your DP could teach your son his hobby or something? But I wouldn’t force it, sounds like they actually get on very well in their own way.

CC2021 · 19/02/2021 14:39

I wouldn't leave over this either. If your son his happy and your partner isn't treating either boy differently, I really don't see the issue. It sounds like your DP is just a quiet person.

dontdisturbmenow · 19/02/2021 14:44

OP, your OH can't just feel a bond with your son as he would with his own just because your son has no contact with his dad and that's what you want.

It's not fair in your oh to put that level.if pressure on him. Bonding with a child you haven't been a parent to since very young age isn't always straight forward especially when personalities are different.

Your oh is treating him fairly and respectfully, that's all you can expect. The rest us bonus.

IEat · 19/02/2021 14:45

He provides financially which is great but most times kids want fun, games, playing with and being with the adult. Walk round the park, play football have an Ice cream that sort of thing

Original poster
Welshmum2021 · 19/02/2021 14:46

Thank you all. I will take all that information on board.

OP posts:
EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 19/02/2021 14:47

I suspect there are an awful lot of non-blended families where the Father is a bit taciturn, and doesn't spend the day having eloquent debates with teenage children Hmm
Seems a bonkers thing to leave over or be anxious about if DP is otherwise a good father to DS.

Sittingathome · 19/02/2021 14:48

Dh is like this. He will sit in the same room as the kids and completely ignore them. Dd will chatter at him, but ds will also sit in silence. They just have nothing to say. Dh finds talking to children difficult- unless he's issuing orders or giving advice.

Original poster
Welshmum2021 · 19/02/2021 14:51

Yes he is the same! I guess me and him are very different. The way he is was how he was brought up.. I came from a very chatty household.

OP posts:
Lockheart · 19/02/2021 14:54

@HeidiHaughton

Who is more important, your own son or a man you've shacked up with?
Why are you so dismissive of a 4 year relationship in which they have a young child together?
SleepingStandingUp · 19/02/2021 14:57

I think you're overthinking.

He chats about as much to his son as he does yours.
He tells you and your son he loves them.
Your son loves him.
They're happy.

You've decided the relationship should be full of "Hey Toby, tell me about your day" "Sure Steve, today we did..mmm" "Oh wowsers Toby, you sure had a good day. How about we throw a ball around outside and I'll tell you all about MY day?"
Which is fine but that's not who he is. DH and his DF don't talk unnecessarily, so they'll ask or reply to stuff but won't fill the gaps with Smalltalk. Sounds like your DP is just quiet.

NutellaEllaElla · 19/02/2021 14:59

@Welshmum2021

Yes he is the same! I guess me and him are very different. The way he is was how he was brought up.. I came from a very chatty household.
Well then I wouldn't worry about it. I mean, are there any other reasons why it does worry you, aside from it's different to your approach? Has your son expressed any unhappiness?
Onedrinktoomany2 · 19/02/2021 15:03

I have a teen son and a dp who isn’t his father. Neither of them treat each other like they are father and son. They both like each other, they are both happy living with each other and get along well but have a very diff relationship than say I have with my ds.
If your ds is happy and adores him then he must be doing something right.

PicaK · 19/02/2021 15:08

It sounds fine from your second post
You dh is not you. The way he communicates and interacts with the kids will be different.
That's how parents are. They each bring something different to the table.
It would be like your dh posting a thread about you being too chatty, too in your face to his son. When you're just being you and you have a working relationship.
If you want to leave him for other reasons fair enough, but don't hang it on this seemingly non issue.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 19/02/2021 15:10

I think you had/have an unrealistic expectations as to how your DP "should" be parenting because it doesn't fit the image you had in your head of some facebook-perfect happy chatty family all blended perfectly together. The main thing is that your DP isn't discriminating between the way he interacts with your DS and his own biological children. He's not being unkind, he tells your son he loves him, he makes him lunch, he'll spend time watching a movie with him etc etc.

Sounds like you might be projecting your sense of something lacking into your DS as you say he likes your DP - at worst all you need to explain to your DS if needed is that some people are quiet and some people are more talkative and that's the way life is!

Tubs11 · 19/02/2021 15:11

my dad was a man of few words growing up, can't get him off the phone now! Don't think this is just a blended family issue. Your partner is just the quiet type, it will work itself out