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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blended family not working

114 replies

Welshmum2021 · 19/02/2021 12:54

I have been with my partner for 4 years, both have a child each from previous relationships and have a newborn (8 months). My son is 9 and stepson is 11.
At the beginning both our sons struggled to adjust to the new relationship however now they have a very close bond and couldnt be happier. They have also adjusted to the new baby so well.
My partner is very generous and provides everything we need. I have recently returned back to work part time. He looks after my son well, supports his hobbies and education, provides all he needs financially. However they have always had quite a strained relationship. Despite things being better of late I find on times they have little communication if at all any. partner is not overly chatty in general but some days he may only say a few words to my son.
My son adores partner, he doesnt have a relationship with his birth dad. And speaks highly of partner.
I have such bad anxiety for leaving him with partner when I am not there because of the lack of communication during the day. I dont want this to impact on my son.
We have spoke about it in length which always ends in an argument, he says he is trying his best but he does have some sort of barrier up because of when we moved in together about 2 years ago my son went though a phase of not listening to partner at all. Things have improved a lot. Partner says he wants best for son.
I just cant seems to shift the feeling that I should leave. I feel on edge when i leave son with partner because they dont talk much. Weve been together 4 years and it shouldn't be like this... or am I just over thinking everything?
The children are happy at home but I cant shake this feeling I al doing the wrong thing. I have a very good relationship with his son.
For reference our relationship has been ok for the most part, we did hit a bad patch but have moved on from that.
Aibu to leave or should I just give it more time?

OP posts:
apalledandshocked · 19/02/2021 15:13

So it isnt like he is ignoring him, or chattering away to his own son while leaving yours out. It sounds more like he just isnt chatty. If that bothered your son I would be wary. However, is it a comfortable, companiable silence? If it is I wouldnt worry too much.

Feedingthebirds1 · 19/02/2021 15:14

If DS thinks the world of him, he's not doing much wrong is he? DS, unlike you right now, seems to be very happy with who DP is - why would you take him away from that love and security?

Mulhollandmagoo · 19/02/2021 15:16

@notalwaysalondoner has pretty much said everything I'm thinking to be fair, your son is very loved and cared for by your partner and it sounds like in their own way they're rubbing along fairly well.

Perhaps what you think is missing the the father son relationship which he doesn't have with his own dad? Naturally he wont have a father son bond with your partner as he came into his life a little later on.

My own dad is brilliant, he loves us to death and would do anything for me and my siblings - but he's not a talker, we can happily all sit in a room and watch TV or eat a meal without speaking to each other. they'll be fine, be mindful of posters on here who advise leaving a perfectly normal and happy relationship at the drop of a hat, they don't live in your home so don't know the full story

2pinkginsplease · 19/02/2021 15:18

Doesnt sound like there is much wrong . He just seems to be a quiet man.

Why would you break a family up for this?

PhatPhanny · 19/02/2021 15:18

Your putting way too much pressure on your dh.
My dh doesn't always want to have a conversation with my son, or our son together, same as sometimes i dont talk much.

Dont ruin what could be a good thing

TheSparkleJar · 19/02/2021 15:19

he says he is trying his best but he does have some sort of barrier up because of when we moved in together about 2 years ago my son went though a phase of not listening to partner at all

He's possibly holding a grudge based on a seven year old needing to process a lot of big life changes?

I can see that most of the thread is reading this as him being the strong and silent type, but you don't say that he is that way with his own son.

Mintjulia · 19/02/2021 15:19

If your ds is happy and your dp treats both boys the same, I think you could relax a little and let them work it out for themselves.
Not being overly chatty isn't always a fault.

WeAllHaveWings · 19/02/2021 15:24

If dh and ds didn't have footie, occasionally fighting (on tv) I don't think they'd ever talk to each other!!!

Do they have possible joint interests you can exploit here? - difficult with the pandemic but something like getting them a family season ticket (ds's season ticket gives them access to watch matches on tv while there are restrictions)? You might find as your son gets older and develops more mature interests they communicate more.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 19/02/2021 15:24

@TheSparkleJar I think we're getting it from where OP said "Hes not overly chatty with his own son on times. He does tell me he loves my son and my son hears this from him too. I wouldn't say he is treated differently to his own son."

Confusedandshaken · 19/02/2021 15:56

I don't have much experience of a blended family as DH and I only has children together. However I do have experience of a quiet father because DH is a very quiet man. It's a bit of a family joke that we can have a family meal with constant chatter and (when they were teenagers) at least one person getting up and storming off in a huff and DH will not contribute a single word. He sits and eats and listens but rarely speaks. Even when they were little the D.C. would chatter away constantly and DH would respond appropriately but it's just not in his nature to initiate conversation. I was the parent that chatted and talked and when required relayed important information back to DH.

Even now they are grown up and flown the nest the status quo remains. Family events (and now Facetimes) are 98% me and the kids gassing away. DH listens and smiles and laughs but doesn't say much. But they are in no doubt of his love for them and it is fully reciprocated. They love him very much. They don't know any other sort of dad and they wouldn't want to change him. And the positive side of things is that when he does speak it means a lot and they listen.

Incidentally, my FIL was also a very quiet man. He showed his love by kindnesses. I think both him and DH learned to be quiet because the women in their family talk a LOT!! We all loved him very much and he is sadly missed.

If he is treating both kids the same I wouldn't worry about this. We can't all be talkers.

Xerochrysum · 19/02/2021 15:57

I don't understand. Your son is happy, your dh says he loves your ds, but you want to leave because they don't chat much? Is your ds unhappy about this?

nancywhitehead · 19/02/2021 15:57

I grew up in a blended family with a step dad, and I would say yes, it can be a bit confusing for the child, but I don't think that the fact they're not truly hitting it off or acting as close as blood father-and-son is a reason to leave necessarily. These things do take time, sometimes a really long time. It sounds like neither of them are unhappy, arguing, and there's no abuse going on, so I would question if you really think your son would be happier if you were to leave and become a single parent? Are you happy in the relationship? If so then from what you've said I don't think this alone is a reason to leave, unless your son starts expressing that he is struggling in some way.

minniemango · 19/02/2021 16:01

Maybe you're look for the ideal father-son relationship that your son doesn't have with his own father? But that isn't realistic.

I would ask myself - is your DP kind to your son?
Does he treat him fairly?
Does he meet his needs while you're out - make sure he is fed etc?
Are they comfortable in each other's company?

OK, maybe they will not be best friends, they might never have a father-son bond. Maybe when you go to work your DP just ensures your son is fed and lets him play xbox all day. But if your son is safe and happy at home and likes his stepdad then that is enough.

Bythemillpond · 19/02/2021 16:05

Is it that you feel your son is trying too hard to get this man to like him and chat back?

I always say listen to your gut. I think it is your subconscious picking up on things that your conscious isn’t seeing.
I can see on the surface it seems like things are predominantly ok and things could work themselves out but I would really keep a close eye on things.

KatharinaRosalie · 19/02/2021 16:11

You are way overthinking this. So a quiet man does not chat to your son as much as you would want him to? Otherwise everybody is happy, cared for, loved? Adjust your expectations.

Thatwentbadly · 19/02/2021 16:13

I’ve only read your comments. Is it a comfortable silence? Some people are just not chatty. Perhaps you can suggest practical things your DP scan do with your son eg play a board game.

notanothertakeaway · 19/02/2021 16:14

My DH is quiet too. I think your situation sounds ok.

Azerothi · 19/02/2021 16:15

Does your son know your boyfriend was texting a girl from his work? Has that influenced him in any way? Children hear more than we give them credit for. I don't think you're overthinking this, I think you should listen to your gut.

unmarkedbythat · 19/02/2021 16:18

Is family therapy an option?

he says he is trying his best but he does have some sort of barrier up because of when we moved in together about 2 years ago my son went though a phase of not listening to partner at all

This would worry me a bit, tbh.

HappyAsASandboy · 19/02/2021 16:18

Your description sounds very like my husbands relationship with our children. He's a quiet man, and doesn't much talk to anyone unless he's in the mood. He regularly asks the kids whether there's anything he can do with or for them, but if they don't suggest something then he cracks on with his own things. During lockdown he's been good at taking them on walks/bike rides, but it's a case of he's going anyway and he asks whether any of them want to come.

I am completely the opposite. Forever talking and suggesting and probing. I hope the kids turn out ok because they've had a mixture! I love my DH and won't be leaving him because he has a quiet relationship with the kids, even if it does look a bit stilted to me sometimes. He loves them, they know that, and we're both there for them in our different ways.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 19/02/2021 16:19

@XelaM

I think on MumsNet people advise to "leave" way too quickly. There seem to be too many positives from what you describe and you should try to work on the communication with your partner.
This. If your son seems to love him, then I assume that he is not feeling any ill effects from the communication issues. If everything else is ok, it's worth working on. Is it worthwhile having a discussion with a trusted friend, or counsellor, about why you feel so anxious when they are left together, to see how reasonable or otherwise that is?
MrKlaw · 19/02/2021 16:29

how are they with non-verbal communication? do they cuddle/hug, play fight, physically play in other ways?

I'm a quiet person but love my kids very much. I went out of my way to talk to them a lot when they were smaller, but as they got to mopey teens that was harder. But we were always loving and snuggled up on the sofa etc, or played games together. I like to think they have always felt loved even if perhaps we're not the chattiest ever.

Italiangreyhound · 19/02/2021 16:31

My husband is very quiet. He doesn't communicate a lot. I am the person he talks to most.

When I am not here I know dd (16), ds (10) and husband don't talk a lot.

I've tried a lot to make dh more communicative and 20 years on he is a bit better but he is not a chatty man.

He is kind and caring and I trust him.

I think those are the things I would focus on, IS YOUR DP kind and caring and do you trust him?

Maybe encourage the boys to chat more to you and each other if your dh is not chatty.

If you feel uncomfortable is there a reason? Have you really moved on from the texting the girl at work? Are you expecting this to fail?

Do you have post natal depression, maybe? I know that is often asked but having a baby can add issues and make you tired etc and post natal depression effects loads of women. Did I read that you have an 8 week old? If so. that is pretty full on.

Starlightstarbright1 · 19/02/2021 16:36

Personally wrong time for these decisions.. You have a young baby in the house, 2 children one wirh additional needs.

I think the way forward set up activities you can all do together, playing games, outdoor fun in the garden. movie nights so they have stuff in common.

Everything is a grind right now.

The only other thing that pops into my mind my best friends Dad we used to call him the man who doesn't talk ..... He obviously did, had his DD back bur just wasn't a chatty sought of bloke. They had a very strong bond when she grew into adulthood.

oakleaffy · 19/02/2021 16:43

Your inner voice is rarely if ever wrong.
Listen to it.

And take heed...

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