Blended family not working

[Welshmum2021]

I have been with my partner for 4 years, both have a child each from previous relationships and have a newborn (8 months). My son is 9 and stepson is 11.
At the beginning both our sons struggled to adjust to the new relationship however now they have a very close bond and couldnt be happier. They have also adjusted to the new baby so well.
My partner is very generous and provides everything we need. I have recently returned back to work part time. He looks after my son well, supports his hobbies and education, provides all he needs financially. However they have always had quite a strained relationship. Despite things being better of late I find on times they have little communication if at all any. partner is not overly chatty in general but some days he may only say a few words to my son.
My son adores partner, he doesnt have a relationship with his birth dad. And speaks highly of partner.
I have such bad anxiety for leaving him with partner when I am not there because of the lack of communication during the day. I dont want this to impact on my son.
We have spoke about it in length which always ends in an argument, he says he is trying his best but he does have some sort of barrier up because of when we moved in together about 2 years ago my son went though a phase of not listening to partner at all. Things have improved a lot. Partner says he wants best for son.
I just cant seems to shift the feeling that I should leave. I feel on edge when i leave son with partner because they dont talk much. Weve been together 4 years and it shouldn't be like this... or am I just over thinking everything?
The children are happy at home but I cant shake this feeling I al doing the wrong thing. I have a very good relationship with his son.
For reference our relationship has been ok for the most part, we did hit a bad patch but have moved on from that.
Aibu to leave or should I just give it more time?

Hmm. I feel a bit bad for the DP. I can't see that he's done anything wrong.

OP chose to be with a relatively quiet man, chose to have a baby with him, but is unhappy that he's quiet with her DS. This DP seems to have taken on full parental and financial responsibility for the DS despite not being his biological father. The DP says he loves the DS and DS seems happy.

Some people are not as chatty/fun/playful. My Dad wasnt. But he was a fantastic Dad.

@HeidiHaughton

Who is more important, your own son or a man you've shacked up with?

Why does it need to be a 'versus' battle? They are a family. They have different personalities and needs, yes, but they are all in the same 'team'.

@TillyTopper

I really don't understand PPs saying leave. Why not just talk to your DH and say it's something you've noticed, is he aware. Point out you just want to do your best for both DS and is there anything he feels you can do better for your step son? Is it not that simple or have you tried and he's refused (in which case it's a different matter).

She has done, a number of times. It results in arguments Hence posting

My DH brought up my 2 DC, from them being 3&5. He isn’t very chatty either, he adores them both, would do anything for them, they adore him, probably more than me if I am honest.

That bond has formed over nearly 30 years, they had no contact with birth father either. DH has said that probably made it easier to bond with them. He is reliable, stable and works hard. Never missed a sports day, Christmas play, parents evening or special event for them.

I was privileged to be at the birth of my DGD while my DH paced the floor outside. Both were tearful when they saw each other after our DGC was born.

They both refer to him as dad, and their children call him Grandad, a title he earned and cherishes.

Bonds are formed over years with step relationships, they grow together, they aren’t instant. Give it time, there is love there, allow it to grow organically rather than forcing it

People are WAY too quick on here to say leave. And I bet if they were in an identical situation irl they wouldn’t be leaving. Some people are just on here because they enjoy the drama of other people’s lives and want to stoke that drama.

OP the main thing is that they love each other. Everything else can follow. Some people, especially men (sorry for the stereotyping) just aren’t very chatty. Leave them to it and it will develop in time. Maybe nurture shared interests, get them talking about films, that kind of thing. I think they will be fine.

This sounds like you are just looking for problems and plucking them out of thin air. Are you sure you aren't using your son as an excuse? Is the real problem that you're partner doesn't communicate with YOU enough?

@Lalliella

People are WAY too quick on here to say leave. And I bet if they were in an identical situation irl they wouldn’t be leaving. Some people are just on here because they enjoy the drama of other people’s lives and want to stoke that drama.

OP the main thing is that they love each other. Everything else can follow. Some people, especially men (sorry for the stereotyping) just aren’t very chatty. Leave them to it and it will develop in time. Maybe nurture shared interests, get them talking about films, that kind of thing. I think they will be fine.

Absolutely.

Your son is loved and cared for.

Its not unreasonable or unusual to feel closer to your biological child then your step child.

They are fine, your son is happy. You also have an 8 week old baby to think about.

In short...give him a break.

I think OP that perhaps you feel a sense of guilt going to work and leaving your son behind?

@Candyfloss99

This sounds like you are just looking for problems and plucking them out of thin air. Are you sure you aren't using your son as an excuse? Is the real problem that you're partner doesn't communicate with YOU enough?

I don't think she's looking for problems but I wonder whether this isn't more about the OP's relationship with the DP than it is to do with the son's relationship.

On paper it sounds as if the DP is fine with the son, but I can't get past the fact that he appears to have cheated (or at least flirted with another woman), which seems to have completely escaped people's attention.

The OP says she's got past this but I can't help wondering whether her doubts about the relationship have become projected onto a non-issue about his relationship with her son.

It's not really as straightforward as leave vs stay: its true that there seems nothing to suggest the kids would benefit from having the family broken up now. But maybe the doubts she is harbouring are to do with the basic stability of her relationship with him. In which case things are a bit more complicated.

Just for context both my DH and our oldest DS (12) are very laid back, not particularly chatty types (unless it is to discuss sport, football transfers and so on)

They have a good relationship, enjoy spending time together, but they can quite easily be in the same room for a few hours with hardly a word spoken...

But they love each other, get on fine and we go places together etc

If you were saying he treat your son badly or differently etc then that would be different.

People are very quick to say 'leave' on Mumsnet.

Your OP did leave me with some questions but you've answered them in subsequent posts. I think you're overthinking it.

YANBU and YABU. I get why you are worried. Your DP is different to you and your son and that concerns you. Looking out for signs there are problems is a good thing.

But your DP is just not a chatty person and I can relate. I struggle talking to my own kids let alone other people's. It's not that I don't love them or I'm not interested, I just didn't grow up in a chatty household and I don't like talking. I've always preferred writing. I stumble on small talk.

If your DS is happy, there isn't a problem. I wouldn't leave.

I’d say leave if your son was becoming withdrawn and didn’t like your partner but you’ve said;

1. son is treated well and equally
2. son is told he’s loved and feels it
3. son likes and speaks highly of the Step dad

What more do you really want? Some people are chatty, others aren’t. I think your causing problems when they’re aren’t any. Maybe you don’t want to be there and are projecting problems?

@Chewingle

To me it speaks volumes that the OP is so concerned whenever she leaves her child and the father of her baby alone.

Yes the reason is because they don’t speak much.

But other features indicate there may be more to it that the OP tries to squash.
Fact they have always had a strained relationship
The fact they went through a rocky patch where he was texting another woman
The fact her son went through a period of not listening to him and he has struggled since then and describes himself as having a “barrier” up

Speaking as a step parent to a "chatty" child who has had a chronic problem with listening to people, it is incredibly draining. He listens somewhat more now but I still find his chattiness very exhausting. It doesn't mean we don't have a positive relationship, just means I need more space from him than perhaps his parent would to recharge. I dip in and out and put a film on if I'm spending time with him. It doesn't need to be some massive, dramatic problem that he struggles with elements of his personality.

I completely agree that the texting other women is a different story, I wouldn't forgive that (if it was explicitly sexual/romantic) but it isn't the issue OP has raised.

Thank you for all the feedback. After reading through all of it I think my ideal situation isnt matching the reality. Like most of you said son is happy here and he has a good role model. I think I need more realistic expectations to move forward.