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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Blended family not working

114 replies

Welshmum2021 · 19/02/2021 12:54

I have been with my partner for 4 years, both have a child each from previous relationships and have a newborn (8 months). My son is 9 and stepson is 11.
At the beginning both our sons struggled to adjust to the new relationship however now they have a very close bond and couldnt be happier. They have also adjusted to the new baby so well.
My partner is very generous and provides everything we need. I have recently returned back to work part time. He looks after my son well, supports his hobbies and education, provides all he needs financially. However they have always had quite a strained relationship. Despite things being better of late I find on times they have little communication if at all any. partner is not overly chatty in general but some days he may only say a few words to my son.
My son adores partner, he doesnt have a relationship with his birth dad. And speaks highly of partner.
I have such bad anxiety for leaving him with partner when I am not there because of the lack of communication during the day. I dont want this to impact on my son.
We have spoke about it in length which always ends in an argument, he says he is trying his best but he does have some sort of barrier up because of when we moved in together about 2 years ago my son went though a phase of not listening to partner at all. Things have improved a lot. Partner says he wants best for son.
I just cant seems to shift the feeling that I should leave. I feel on edge when i leave son with partner because they dont talk much. Weve been together 4 years and it shouldn't be like this... or am I just over thinking everything?
The children are happy at home but I cant shake this feeling I al doing the wrong thing. I have a very good relationship with his son.
For reference our relationship has been ok for the most part, we did hit a bad patch but have moved on from that.
Aibu to leave or should I just give it more time?

OP posts:

faerveren · 19/02/2021 16:44

It doesn’t sound like your DP is ignoring or snubbing your DS just that he’s a man of few words. Is he very chatty with you, how does he interact with the baby, is he talking to the baby a lot?

Figgyboa · 19/02/2021 16:44

@HeidiHaughton

Who is more important, your own son or a man you've shacked up with?

I think there's more too it then that. They have a DC together now, what about that child?

JesusAteMyHamster · 19/02/2021 16:46

My dp is a a man of few words....... He doesn't say much, never has. But him and ds muddle through fine. If anything my ds who also has s n thrives with him as he's forced to use his own initiative a little.

Chewingle · 19/02/2021 16:48

* However they have always had quite a strained relationship*

But you continued anyway.
I’m not judging but you obviously were hoping things would improve
They haven’t
They won’t
He’s about to become a teenager. The silence between them will be replaced with shouting I suspect

SleepingStandingUp · 19/02/2021 16:50

@oakleaffy

Your inner voice is rarely if ever wrong. Listen to it.

And take heed...

He tells DS he loves him. DS loves him. He talks to both boys equally but still has a good relationship. He's happy to care for DS without OP and meets his needs.

What exactly is he doing wrong apart from not being a big talker, which op already knows?

breatheslowandtrust · 19/02/2021 16:53

Whilst I wouldn't tell you to leave him, I can say that my step dad only ever spoke to me out of necessity and as I got older it really did have an impact on my home life. I couldn't wait to leave home, the atmosphere always felt tense and I used to feel very jealous of my friends who had a 'normal' relationship with their step dads. I noticed that once I left he was more talkative when I visited, which gave me the impression that he was happier without me at home. Thirty years later I still feel awkward around him.

Chewingle · 19/02/2021 16:58

@SleepingStandingUp

* What exactly is he doing wrong apart from not being a big talker, which op already knows?*

And yet the OP is clearly very perturbed

TatianaBis · 19/02/2021 16:58

I would think that whatever the faults in your relationship and in the relationship between DP and son - it would be more upset & upheaval for your son to end the relationship than to continue. Given that your son actually likes your DP it seems a bit unfair to end it for his sake. Some blokes don't talk that much.

And you have a newborn to consider too.

addicted2spaniels · 19/02/2021 17:00

If it's not impacting your son, then I'd stay but on the condition that your DP makes more effort.

If it is impacting your son, then it's a whole other story.

aSofaNearYou · 19/02/2021 17:01

@Chewingle

* However they have always had quite a strained relationship*

Bit of a leap.

Chewingle · 19/02/2021 17:02

@breatheslowandtrust

And this right here is why I will never have a man move in whilst my children are under 18 They deserve a home where they feel... at home.

Not uncomfortable.

And a teen girl, for instance, is simply not going to feel comfortable wondering in to the kitchen in her night, for example, with a man she only met a couple of years ago let’s say.

1forAll74 · 19/02/2021 17:02

I would not even think about a need to leave a home situation like you have,as it sounds like a happy home all round. I would try and dismiss these thoughts that you seemingly have, and be happy that the two boys get along well together, and that your partner is supportive with all things.

Chewingle · 19/02/2021 17:03

@aSofaNearYou

Where’s the leap?
That a strained relationship pre teen will become more strained during teenage years?!

aSofaNearYou · 19/02/2021 17:03

And yet the OP is clearly very perturbed

She was perturbed, but clearly open to the idea that her judgment was off. People's judgment can be and often is incorrect.

MartinAtAFuneral · 19/02/2021 17:03

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

I suspect there are an awful lot of non-blended families where the Father is a bit taciturn, and doesn't spend the day having eloquent debates with teenage children

Seems a bonkers thing to leave over or be anxious about if DP is otherwise a good father to DS.

Agree with this.

I can't remember who it was upthread who said they couldn't be with someone who didn't love their (step)children.

That's an interesting point for different ways. I could be fond of someone else's children, but I couldn't possibly love a stepchild in the way I love my own children.

Though maybe that's one reason I wouldn't ever become a stepmother, and wouldn't want my children to have a stepfather.

aSofaNearYou · 19/02/2021 17:04

[quote Chewingle]@aSofaNearYou

Where’s the leap?
That a strained relationship pre teen will become more strained during teenage years?![/quote]
OPs description of her son adoring her partner doesn't sound that strained at all. It just sounds like he's not very talkative.

Dontbeme · 19/02/2021 17:05

OP you wrote about your DC and their relationship with your partner and about how he is encouraging with hobbies, education and providing for the family - all good qualities. But can I ask are you happy in this relationship? Is that why you feel uneasy, on paper you should be happy but you're just not feeling that way with this man?

Chewingle · 19/02/2021 17:05

@aSofaNearYou

And yet the OP is clearly very perturbed

She was perturbed, but clearly open to the idea that her judgment was off. People's judgment can be and often is incorrect.

So anonymous mumsnetters know better than the OP? With the man for 4 years, has a baby with him and has said relationship has “always been strained”?

aSofaNearYou · 19/02/2021 17:07

OP made the post because she was questioning whether her judgment was off. She now sounds like she is leaning towards thinking that it wasn't. No we don't know better, but she is here to ask for objective opinions not because she's already made her mind up. People's expectations are not always realistic or fair.

thepeopleversuswork · 19/02/2021 17:09

Based on what you've said this sounds entirely normal tbh. As others have said I can think of plenty of families where the bio dad is quite uncommunicative with his kids.

Building a bond between a step parent and a step child is a very slow process with plenty of false starts and bumps in the road (I speak from experience) and not one you can force. It sounds as if your DP is doing an OK job.

I'd be more worried about the fact you caught him texting a woman behind your back tbh than his relationship with your son. I guess that's another story though.

Chewingle · 19/02/2021 17:10

To me it speaks volumes that the OP is so concerned whenever she leaves her child and the father of her baby alone.

Yes the reason is because they don’t speak much.

But other features indicate there may be more to it that the OP tries to squash.
Fact they have always had a strained relationship
The fact they went through a rocky patch where he was texting another woman
The fact her son went through a period of not listening to him and he has struggled since then and describes himself as having a “barrier” up

Standrewsschool · 19/02/2021 17:16

“My son adores partner”. If your son is happy then I think the situation is fine.

Not talking isn’t necessarily bad. It does sound like dc is supporting ds, but they’re just not very chatting together.

I don’t really understand why you feel on edge when Dp is looking after DS. Do you think ds is unsafe? Not having a torrid of conversation is a reason to leave. Are you looking for an excuse to leave?

From your title, you say that ‘blended family isn’t working well’, but it seems it is.

TillyTopper · 19/02/2021 17:17

I really don't understand PPs saying leave. Why not just talk to your DH and say it's something you've noticed, is he aware. Point out you just want to do your best for both DS and is there anything he feels you can do better for your step son? Is it not that simple or have you tried and he's refused (in which case it's a different matter).

Darkstar4855 · 19/02/2021 17:19

Leaving means disrupting the lives of all three children, when the older two have already been through a lot of big changes in recent years (moving in together, new sibling).

The question you need to ask yourself is, do you really think taking your son away from your partner and his son will be less harmful to both your children than allowing things to continue as they are?

Relationships between stepchildren and stepparents can take years to develop. I think you might be being unrealistic in expecting things to be “perfect” this early on.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/02/2021 17:23

[quote Chewingle]@SleepingStandingUp

* What exactly is he doing wrong apart from not being a big talker, which op already knows?*

And yet the OP is clearly very perturbed[/quote]
She might be, that doesn't mean the man has done anything wrong. Op had an ideal of how it would be, everyone chatting over the table at dinner, sharing their day and funny anecdotes. But she picked a guy who isn't massively chatty. Yes she can leave him for it but it still doesn't make him wrong.

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