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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To reject their offer even though it's going to upset/offend them?

125 replies

PearPuddingPie · 19/02/2021 11:37

I really need advice - this is a nice problem to have but I'm really worried it's going to turn out badly if I'm not careful.

My parents are lovely and DM in particular has always been careful to be fair between me and DSis. Growing up she tracked birthday and Christmas presents to ensure things evened out over time and a lot of this is because she felt her DM has favoured my aunt.

A few years ago DSis and DBIL had their first baby and I was aware at the time that DPs gave them money. DSis was able to have mat leave only because of their generosity because her job was SMP only.

Now I'm pregnant DM has told me that she is going to give us the same - £5k! It's really incredibly generous but I know that the only reason it is that high is because of the difficult situation DSis was in whereas I have paid maternity leave through work and we have savings.

I'm really worried they can't afford this - I know roughly what they earn and in normal times £5k would be at least a year's worth of savings for my parents and they have been impacted by Covid. On top of this, my parents tend to be optimistic about finances and there was tension a few years back when we suggested they talk to a financial advisor after hearing that they were planning to retire early at 60. They discovered that what they thought was a massive pension would pay about £1k a year and I feel like we rained on their parade.

I genuinely don't know how to tackle this without causing massive upset as my initial attempts at suggesting they e.g. buy a car seat instead, have been firmly rebuffed already and they will take real offense at being perceived as being unable to afford it. Any advice would be so appreciated!

OP posts:
LongDuckDong · 19/02/2021 11:44

Take it and put it away. In the future if they are in trouble it will be there for them.

LaurieFairyCake · 19/02/2021 11:52

That's quite a discrepancy Shock

Massive pension to £1,000 a YEAR. How did they make that mistake?

bonfireheart · 19/02/2021 11:54

Agree with PP, take it and put it into an easy access ISA for them.

VinylDetective · 19/02/2021 11:55

@LongDuckDong

Take it and put it away. In the future if they are in trouble it will be there for them.
This. Take the money and look after it for them. Return it if and when they need it.
Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor · 19/02/2021 11:57

@LongDuckDong

Take it and put it away. In the future if they are in trouble it will be there for them.
This is what I would do too.
WhySoSensitive · 19/02/2021 11:58

Take the money and keep it separate. Then if they ever use it against you or as leverage you can immediately return it, or if they’re ever in difficulty it’s there to return.

ktp100 · 19/02/2021 11:58

If turning it down will offend them I'd be tempted to take it and put it into an ISA or something, then you can give it back to them in time if needed.

Gliblet · 19/02/2021 12:01

Yep, as with PP I would stash it in an ISA or buy £5k worth of premium bonds with it and set up the account so that any winnings in draws are paid back into more premium bonds. That way the money is accessible if they do need it but they feel they've been 100% fair with both of you.

MacDuffsMuff · 19/02/2021 12:02

This is not worth falling out with them for, or upsetting them. I agree with PPs, take it and keep it for them.

bloodyhairy · 19/02/2021 12:03

This is a no-brainer. Very politely turn it down. There is no reason why elderly parents should fund their adult offspring, particularly when they are earning.

Stovetopespresso · 19/02/2021 12:04

yes either keep it aside...or

say no thanks with no further explanation other than you don't need it.

they're doing it because of an innate sense of fairness but Dsis doesn't have to know does she. Remove the element of judging whether they can or can't afford it altogether by saying "it's not necessary, but thanks".

Then again...its a gift horse....you never know what's round the corner so on balance I'd say keep.

Sceptre86 · 19/02/2021 12:05

Take the money and keep it aside, if they ever have financial difficulty you can use a portion of it to help them.

PurpleDaisies · 19/02/2021 12:05

I’ve done this with my mum before. Take the money but don’t spend it.

MacDuffsMuff · 19/02/2021 12:06

@bloodyhairy

This is a no-brainer. Very politely turn it down. There is no reason why elderly parents should fund their adult offspring, particularly when they are earning.
The OP has made it very clear that her parents would be offended.

I genuinely don't know how to tackle this without causing massive upset as my initial attempts at suggesting they e.g. buy a car seat instead, have been firmly rebuffed already and they will take real offense at being perceived as being unable to afford it.

She clearly does not want to be funded so that implication is unfair.

Original poster
PearPuddingPie · 19/02/2021 12:07

Thank you, I had considered putting it to one side and I may have to do that. My main worry with that is that they would never ask for support from us as they're proud people. I'm definitely not worried it would come with strings as they're not like that.

Tbh the way things are for them financially at the moment I'm worried this is their everyday funds rather than their savings - last year DM mentioned they were having to dip into savings because of Covid and since then they've both been forcibly cut to part time hours to keep their jobs. If I'd been pregnant first there's no way they'd have offered such an amount - it's just because DM wants to be meticulously fair.

With the pension thing, DDad had a job decades back that gave him a pension payout when he was made redundant. It was a good few years income so they both thought it was a real pot but were unaware of how small an annuity it would buy.

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 19/02/2021 12:08

Just thank them and say it’s unnecessary because you get paid leave.

I’d be very concerned about taking any money off people who were reaching retirement age but were unaware that what they thought was a huge pension would only pay out £1k (assuming that’s not a typo). That’s not financially optimistic, that’s financially naive.

ElsieMc · 19/02/2021 12:14

What a lovely daughter you are. God, my dd1 thought I should buy her a house (with what, by selling my own and living in a shed) and I already bring up her two teenage boys.

I did help out dd2 with a deposit for a house - but they sold their car and wanted to give me it back.

That said, they do seem somewhat overly financially optimistic. My dh wants to retire at 60 but queried his forecast as it seemed high and the company had mistakenly given the figures for 65. That said, I don't understand how they thought they had sufficient pension funds to find it was £1k pa. It seems you are a lot more switched on than they are op.

I would take it and like other posters say, put it away. Like a separate small pension fund for your parents.

MrsBrunch · 19/02/2021 12:14

You say you won't refuse so what other option is there. You'll have to take it. There's nothing more to say really.

jackstini · 19/02/2021 12:22

If it's going to offend them to refuse it then take it and thank them warmly

Put it away and if they are ever in need, you know it's there (but you don't have to tell them that!)

IsThisJustLife · 19/02/2021 12:23

Explain that you don't need it because your situation is different - and how it's different?

SilverBirchWithout · 19/02/2021 12:24

It’s a very difficult situation, and they sound like really good people trying to be absolutely fair with both their children.

I think I would try once more to have a conversation with them, focusing on how much you appreciate them treating you both fairly. And explaining your deep affection and regard for them is not based on how much they help financially. I would avoid mentioning their financial position to avoid embarrassment. Could you perhaps suggest that instead of gifting you this money now, that they adjust their wills to offset their perceived discrepancy between the siblings?

GenderApostate19 · 19/02/2021 12:24

Did he get a massive pension lump sum to account for the tiny annuity? Some older pensions gave far more than 25%.

A £1k pension would mean an annuity of less than £30k.
Jesus, my Sister gets £2500 yearly from a £40k annuity.

Original poster
PearPuddingPie · 19/02/2021 12:28

I think in my head I'm trying to weigh up if it's better to offend them by refusing and hope that it's not going to damage the relationship long term, or accept money I don't need and then be worried they're going to be financially struggling to maintain an unnecessary sense of fairness between me and DSis.

I think I will try Pegasus's idea of stressing how good the paid leave is that I get and perhaps saying how fair doesn't always have to mean exactly equal.

And yes they are financially naive, they've succeeded in having a comfortable life on low incomes and never using finance apart from a mortgage they've paid off so they are doing better than the majority of their friends. But unlike those friends they have no pension apart from the pot that they overestimated and they plan to downsize on retirement but don't want to acknowledge that the flats they plan to move to are all about the same price as their house.

OP posts:
FlyingPandas · 19/02/2021 12:29

This is exactly the sort of thing my parents would do (and have done on several occasions). They would find it impossible to NOT give me the £5k if they had already done the same for my DSis - it would really, really stress them out as they'd feel they'd been unfair. We are far better off as a couple than my DSis and her DH, but they always give us exactly the same. However that said my parents are genuinely pretty financially savvy and would never give what they cannot afford to give.

Tbh in your situation I would do as others have suggested: take the money gratefully and invest it (an ISA is a good idea) but don't spend it. You can always say you've used it to start a college fund for your DC or something like that. And if the worst came to the worst the money would then be there for your parents. Even if, as you say, they would probably never ask for support from you, you'll feel better for knowing that it's an option.

WanderingMilly · 19/02/2021 12:32

In this particular case, they are trying to be fair and it really matters to them....I try to do the same with my own adult children!

I wouldn't upset them but take the money anyway and make a real fuss of them in your 'thank yous'. If you don't need the money, do what others have advised and put it away separately so it's there for them if they have financial problems in the future or need any other help.

Don't tell them what you've done, but do reassure them how much you appreciate them and if they need anything in the future you will do what you can to support them in return.

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