To reject their offer even though it's going to upset/offend them?

[PearPuddingPie]

I really need advice - this is a nice problem to have but I'm really worried it's going to turn out badly if I'm not careful.

My parents are lovely and DM in particular has always been careful to be fair between me and DSis. Growing up she tracked birthday and Christmas presents to ensure things evened out over time and a lot of this is because she felt her DM has favoured my aunt.

A few years ago DSis and DBIL had their first baby and I was aware at the time that DPs gave them money. DSis was able to have mat leave only because of their generosity because her job was SMP only.

Now I'm pregnant DM has told me that she is going to give us the same - £5k! It's really incredibly generous but I know that the only reason it is that high is because of the difficult situation DSis was in whereas I have paid maternity leave through work and we have savings.

I'm really worried they can't afford this - I know roughly what they earn and in normal times £5k would be at least a year's worth of savings for my parents and they have been impacted by Covid. On top of this, my parents tend to be optimistic about finances and there was tension a few years back when we suggested they talk to a financial advisor after hearing that they were planning to retire early at 60. They discovered that what they thought was a massive pension would pay about £1k a year and I feel like we rained on their parade.

I genuinely don't know how to tackle this without causing massive upset as my initial attempts at suggesting they e.g. buy a car seat instead, have been firmly rebuffed already and they will take real offense at being perceived as being unable to afford it. Any advice would be so appreciated!

I think stress how your situation is very different to dsis and therefore you do not need it. If your dm is determined to be fair could you suggest that they state in their will that you receive an extra £5k above your sister but explain to dsis now why it states that.

If they are a bit financially clueless, then maybe telling them accepting that money would tip you over a limit for something and end up disadvantaging you overall would work?

This is MN at its best - thank you so much for the support and ideas. I've gone from no idea how to approach this to more options than I can use!

I'm going to talk about being fair to DSis with the SMP + 5k idea, and how I wouldn't want her to feel she couldn't approach them for support because she knows it would cost them double. And if that doesn't work I will suggest they put it aside in a travel fund so they can see us as much as they want. They're only a couple of hours away but I think that will go down well.

Tell them that they don’t have to buy an annuity either when they retire. Drawdown is far more flexible and if they do have good savings, they should be paying as much of it into Sipps as they can before retirement, for every £1000 they put in, they get £250 extra put in by the government 😉 up to their annual income assuming they pay tax.
They changed the law the year after Dsis got hers, it would have been far better if she hadn’t had to buy one with her divorce settlement.

Could you say you don’t want the money YET? Could you say you’d like it when you go back to work to help then? Then try to forget all about it??

Tell them you've got saving and don't need anymore money so they should just treat themselves with it and that you don't need the money to feel loved and equal to your sister - they've done that by being lovely kind/thoughtful/hands on parents and grandparents etc.

I was going to suggest the idea of asking for them to leave it to you in your will. If you say you really won't need it in the foreseeable future, because of your mat pay and then full earnings again; BUT you're worried that it will end up being eroded bit by bit on boring little things rather than making a tangible difference to your life.

If they could instead ringfence it and leave it to you in their will, it will come as a lovely extra windfall when the time comes, that you could use to buy something really special that would mean so much to you all and also serve as a lasting reminder of them and their loving kindness.

That way, they've given you something really precious that won't actually end up costing them anything at all. If you wanted, you could always subsequently give your sister £2.5K to even it up, if you felt that fairer.

leave it to you in your will

In THEIR will, of course.

Ask them to keep it for you, for the future. Spin them a tale of why. Might work.

@unmarkedbythat

If they are a bit financially clueless, then maybe telling them accepting that money would tip you over a limit for something and end up disadvantaging you overall would work?

I was going to suggest this. It's unlikely that they'll know the exact SMP rules and if they catch you out you can say you misunderstood.

We used an excuse about gifted money for deposits with my parents for our house purchase, which was true - we didn't need their money, and would have had to explain to the bank where it came from.

They did give us the top up later for our wedding (they were trying to make things even with my sister also).

You could give that reason and say, please keep it for us for a rainy day with the kids, and just never find a convenient time to receive it.

I think the advisor convinced them to postpone taking the pot until 65 so it would at least pay them something a bit more substantial (and they'd get state pension) as since then they've talked about jobs he can switch to for a few years before the pension comes in

OP, how old are your parents? State Pension Age has just gone up from 65 to 66, and is set to rise even further in the next few years.

@LongDuckDong

Take it and put it away. In the future if they are in trouble it will be there for them.

Absolutely this. My parents gave me money. I ended up not needing all of it. I have put some it in a savings account and have now added to it. It is there when they need it.

Maybe you could have the one to one conversation with your mum and simply explain and as an aside you could mention that big sums of money gifted, could affect help they may be entitled too if one of them became ill and needed care or they became unemployed early.

@Dryshampooandcoffee
This is a great idea, would never have thought of it. MN at its best, as OP says!

Could you accept the money but put it to one side and if you know they need help say 'We haven't spent all the money you gave us, we'd be happy for you to use it'? If they're in true dire straits they'd accept, even if they had to promise to pay it back to feel better about it.

Thank them and take the money, I think you are overthinking the whole situation.

Your DM wants to treat you the same.

Take the money and save it, in the future you may need the money for a new family car or a house move.

Thank them and put half of it in a saving account for your child. Keep the other half as money you can fall back on.

You sound a really lovely, thoughtful family. Would it be possible to explain that you absolutely feel you have been treated completely equally , but now you are older you perhaps value/ need different things ? That you don’t need the money but would really appreciate... whatever would work in terms of them doing something different for you eg if they live nearer to you perhaps they could babysit / cook a few meals/ pet sit or something that would help DM feel involved in a way she perhaps can’t be with your sibling but which doesn’t involve such a financial sacrifice. Alternatively could you spin them a line about tax implications and say you’d really appreciate them investing it for their grandchild- that way they still have access to it , and being optimistic/ naive about finances they might then be able to use it in belief they will make it up again before grandchild hits 18? Good luck whatever you decide!

Don't upset the parents as it is clearly an important thing for them. Save it

And know it's there whenever you think they need help. Or maybe treat them when things are a little harder to a holiday etc

My parents are like this and it makes me uncomfortable as seems so unnecessary, so I totally get where you're coming from.

Could you suggest that they keep it for now as your good mat pay means it's not needed atm, but stress that you know children are expensive and you might be very grateful for it if/when something comes up down the line. It is somewhat postponing the problem but means they keep the money now, when it sounds like it's needed, particularly if it wouldn't be coming from savings, and also get to feel like they're providing for you in a useful way. Down the line you can either hope it's forgotten/keep using the same excuse/or come up with a cheaper specific thing for them to pay for.

Do you know where the money currently is? If they have it in a stocks and shares ISA it might be better off bring left there rather than given to you to put in an ISA which may or may not give the same return.

Don’t forget some people get a lot of pleasure in giving things. Your parents just want to contribute to your well being and Won’t mind the hardship it may cause for a while. I’m a parent of adult children and will always help them if they need it. For me it’s just one of the things I want to do as their mum

Can’t you be upfront in the way you have been here ie “I know you want to treat DSis and me the same and I really appreciate and adore that about you, but the difference is that she only got stat mat, whereas I’m being paid, which equates to [XX/more than 5K]. And I’ll be saving on XYZ to boot. We’ve drawn up a budget and, while we really really appreciate your kindness and generosity, we really don’t think we’re going to need the money in the next year.” Then you’re not implying they need it or are hard up or anything? And they can always stash it away for uni funds or something if they’re determined. My folks are like this, but they’ve had to be less black and white about it since one of my brothers emigrated, as they’re (ordinarily!) spending KKs just on flights to visit them every year.

Could you take the money and in 12 months arrange with your sister that you give her half to give back to them, that way they get £5k back but they think you’ve both returned an equal amount so it’s still fair?

Invest it for them. Sit on it. Wait. If they get into trouble then you’ve got it for them. Buy some bitcoin or put it into an ISA