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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To reject their offer even though it's going to upset/offend them?

125 replies

PearPuddingPie · 19/02/2021 11:37

I really need advice - this is a nice problem to have but I'm really worried it's going to turn out badly if I'm not careful.

My parents are lovely and DM in particular has always been careful to be fair between me and DSis. Growing up she tracked birthday and Christmas presents to ensure things evened out over time and a lot of this is because she felt her DM has favoured my aunt.

A few years ago DSis and DBIL had their first baby and I was aware at the time that DPs gave them money. DSis was able to have mat leave only because of their generosity because her job was SMP only.

Now I'm pregnant DM has told me that she is going to give us the same - £5k! It's really incredibly generous but I know that the only reason it is that high is because of the difficult situation DSis was in whereas I have paid maternity leave through work and we have savings.

I'm really worried they can't afford this - I know roughly what they earn and in normal times £5k would be at least a year's worth of savings for my parents and they have been impacted by Covid. On top of this, my parents tend to be optimistic about finances and there was tension a few years back when we suggested they talk to a financial advisor after hearing that they were planning to retire early at 60. They discovered that what they thought was a massive pension would pay about £1k a year and I feel like we rained on their parade.

I genuinely don't know how to tackle this without causing massive upset as my initial attempts at suggesting they e.g. buy a car seat instead, have been firmly rebuffed already and they will take real offense at being perceived as being unable to afford it. Any advice would be so appreciated!

OP posts:
happytoday73 · 19/02/2021 12:33

Have you sat with your mum specifically and explained in derail what you will revieve while on maternity leave.. I wouldn't normally talk detail but wonder if this is a time to do so.
She will then understand you don't need the cash... But likely still want to give to you to be fair... So some choices.. If their hours are reduced could you suggest if they are local they cover some childcare instead, babysit for night out or alike, family holiday together...

If alternatives to 5k cash doesn't work then yes id take it and keep for them. Give back at big birthday or significant wedding anniv or alike

Original poster
PearPuddingPie · 19/02/2021 12:34

I don't know the ins and outs of the pension as they were really upset and I think quite embarrassed. The pot was definitely under £100k - possibly as little as £50k - because they mentioned it had been a payout of a few years salary which is why we knew it couldn't be enough to live off.

Their plans to retire early was because my Dad's job is physical but I think the advisor convinced them to postpone taking the pot until 65 so it would at least pay them something a bit more substantial (and they'd get state pension) as since then they've talked about jobs he can switch to for a few years before the pension comes in.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 19/02/2021 12:41

When I was looking at childcare for my return to work, a day at nursery × 1 year was about £5k. So if they were prepared to look after your DC a day a week for the first year you return, they will have "given" you £5k. How about that?

I sympathise as we've had this on both sides of the family. I have resolved as a parent to try not to mix up money, time and love!

ColdCottage · 19/02/2021 12:42

Could you ask them to just give it to you in monthly instalments rather than a lump sum as that would work better for you. That way they don't lose £5k in one go and you can still put it away as other have said and feed it back subtly in the way of things like adding their phones to your contract at you get a better deal on multiple handsets then don't let them pay you for them etc

MrsJBaptiste · 19/02/2021 12:43

My parents have helped my brother and sister buy their first flats (20k each) but I haven't ever needed a deposit as I moved in with DH when he'd already had his house for a few years. They are adamant I won't miss out so have it written in their will that I'll receive 20k more than my siblings when they're estate is split.

I keep saying it doesn't matter, we all have kur own houses now and their gifts were nearly 20 years ago but I know I'd do the same for my children when they're older.

OP, can you explain to your parents that you really don't need the money atvthe moment but if they want tonensire things are fair, they ould save it for you to have if you need it in the future?

QueenOfPain · 19/02/2021 12:45

How on earth did they fuck up the pension forecast that badly?

CausingChaos2 · 19/02/2021 12:47

If you’re worried that this is coming from their usual pot rather than savings I’d try to politely decline. Tell them your maternity pay is generous if needs be.

If they insist how about only accepting half the amount? £5k is a big hole in their finances if they’re on a low income.

BonnyandPoppy · 19/02/2021 12:47

Take the money and invest it in premium bonds. That way the money is safe and you might win something!

MyLittleOrangutan · 19/02/2021 12:47

Could you just start spending more on them in general? Grab them some shopping when you go visit, take them out to lunch, days out with the baby. They might not notice a little trickle of money and it'll make their lives easier

Malbecfan · 19/02/2021 12:48

I was just about to suggest the same as @Phineyj above. You don't need the cash, but by selling it to them as the peace of mind that your DC will be well looked after by GP might help to swing it.

WeAllHaveWings · 19/02/2021 12:48

Have a heart to heart with them, or your mum 1-2-1, if she is the main driver of this, and tell her you know she loves you the same as you love her and you don't need money from her to prove it or even things up. Cash does not equal love.

Tell her you are able to turn down the cash because of the person she made you and it is down to her that your are independent and she should be proud of that.

Tell her you get maternity pay, you don't need the money and instead of cold harsh cash you would prefer she kept the money and have an active part in your pregnancy and dc's life instead. She can use the cash to buy dc little things or days out over the next 18 years because dc spending quality time with her and bonding with her instead will be priceless.

She just couldn't force money on you after all that!!! 🤣

BlueTimes · 19/02/2021 12:49

I’d ask them if they are sure because you are getting much more in maternity pay and if they really wanted to be fair wouldn’t it be better if they worked out the difference so that you and your sister have the same take home. You could phrase it that you are worried your sister will think you’re better off because of this and that doesn’t sound fair.

TheyIsMyFamily · 19/02/2021 12:50

Can you not start the conversation by telling your mother that you have no doubt in your head and never will do about how much she loves you and that you love her even more if that's possible for her trying to ensure she's being fair to both of you. But fairness doesn't always mean 'equal' ... and you are in a very different position right now then when your sister was pregnant. Perhaps you'd rather have some extra 'time' for babysitting, etc instead of cash which might allay any indignity/hurt feelings?

eosmum · 19/02/2021 12:52

I had this with a smaller amount. I just put it aside and paid for bits and pieces, it was soon all gone. One of my sisters took every penny they had and more so I was glad I took it before she got her hands on it.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/02/2021 12:52

They want to treat you both the same, regardless.

I have grown up dds in different circumstances and would do (and have done) the same.

If you don’t need the money, put it into savings for your baby. Or for a rainy day - touch wood you might not need it but you never know what might be around the corner.

And count yourself lucky!

Lots of people would love to have this ‘dilemma’.

Scottishskifun · 19/02/2021 12:52

I completely understand your predicament OP.
My parents have given my brother a lot of financial support over the years and I simply don't require it.
My mum got upset with me when I turned down her offer of several thousand pounds for our home improvements as in her words it's a fraction of the amount of money my brother has received over the years.
I explained that it was very greatful that they wanted to help out but I would prefer they spent the money on themselves (they needed a new boiler for starters!). If she put the money in my account I would gift it back therefore if she felt so strongly about being fair then they could adjust their wills if they so wished but I didn't expect it.
In the end my mum relented and also said she also wanted me to know that she was there for me as much as my brother and it hadn't seemed that way in the past. I explained there were other ways they can be there for me not just money.

In the end they got a new boiler and had a well needed holiday Smile. My tip would be understanding but firm.

maddening · 19/02/2021 12:53

Or take it and then while on mat leave treat your dps to a lovely break in a big cottage with you and dc and even dsis and her dc, it might be lovely to have that break away together after the shite of the last year and a nice relaxed time where they can enjoy the gc and quality time with you.

Verite1 · 19/02/2021 12:54

I would try saying you don’t need it as you have maternity pay, but if they become upset/offended I would accept it and put it to one side. My grandad was similar. My DM was in a much better financial position but it gave him so much pleasure (and sense of pride) to still buy her expensive items/occasionally gift her sums of money. He would have been so upset if she refused.

OooArre · 19/02/2021 12:56

What about asking them to hold onto the money until covid is over? Just explain you don't need it this second but you are worried about them during covid so you would feel better if they hung onto it for now. I can't see that being offensive.

ArcheryAnnie · 19/02/2021 12:59

I honestly think you need to take it, be warmly and genuinely thankful to them, don't equivocate at all or indicate you are taking the money reluctantly - and then, as others have said, squirrel it away for them.

You don't have to give it back to them as money if they won't take money when they need it. You can give it back in goods and services, sneakily!

MRex · 19/02/2021 13:01

Can you take the money on condition you can use it to pay them for childcare? If they're part-time that could be a win all round.

Survivingchipandkippee · 19/02/2021 13:01

It’s a hard one. I found with my kids that it wasn’t money but grandparents “time” I needed most. Unclear of their availability and your work re childcare. But if your “need” is that type of support rather than money is that a way around it?

Jaxhog · 19/02/2021 13:02

@LongDuckDong

Take it and put it away. In the future if they are in trouble it will be there for them.
I agree
toobusytothink · 19/02/2021 13:03

My mum did this. I accepted it but put it aside and then over the next few years just bought her some fab presents which I knew she would love but would never buy for herself. So paid it back that way without her ever knowing

toobusytothink · 19/02/2021 13:04

And also did things with her like doing a spa day which meant so much to her (and me).