To reject their offer even though it's going to upset/offend them?

[PearPuddingPie]

I really need advice - this is a nice problem to have but I'm really worried it's going to turn out badly if I'm not careful.

My parents are lovely and DM in particular has always been careful to be fair between me and DSis. Growing up she tracked birthday and Christmas presents to ensure things evened out over time and a lot of this is because she felt her DM has favoured my aunt.

A few years ago DSis and DBIL had their first baby and I was aware at the time that DPs gave them money. DSis was able to have mat leave only because of their generosity because her job was SMP only.

Now I'm pregnant DM has told me that she is going to give us the same - £5k! It's really incredibly generous but I know that the only reason it is that high is because of the difficult situation DSis was in whereas I have paid maternity leave through work and we have savings.

I'm really worried they can't afford this - I know roughly what they earn and in normal times £5k would be at least a year's worth of savings for my parents and they have been impacted by Covid. On top of this, my parents tend to be optimistic about finances and there was tension a few years back when we suggested they talk to a financial advisor after hearing that they were planning to retire early at 60. They discovered that what they thought was a massive pension would pay about £1k a year and I feel like we rained on their parade.

I genuinely don't know how to tackle this without causing massive upset as my initial attempts at suggesting they e.g. buy a car seat instead, have been firmly rebuffed already and they will take real offense at being perceived as being unable to afford it. Any advice would be so appreciated!

Maybe work out SMP vs yours and give them an actual equivalent vs your sister? I don't know if that makes sense! But, for example 'by 6 months my maternity package would have paid me that extra 5k'. Or whatever it is. Make the emphasis you don't need it like your sister did rather than they can't afford. Maybe think of something pricey they can buy - car seat, cot, pushchair. And maybe say what you would really appreciate is some babysitting time banked so you can sleep/shop/have an evening out.

You could say that you don’t need it right now as you’re getting mat. leave and you’d rather they held on to it for a year or two to help when baby starts nursery.

Not read the full that so apologies if this has been suggested @PearPuddingPie but could you take it and then give some or all back to them as a gift when they retire? X

*thread

My DGM won’t take no for an answer so even if you try to turn offers of cash down she will slip it into your coat so you only find it when you get home or whatever. She’s been known to also leave notes in people’s cars so again, they only realise when they’ve already left and it’s too much hassle to return it. I think it’s a generational thing, they just want to feel like they’re helping even though you don’t feel you need it. I’d take it to keep them happy and as PP’s have said, keep it to one side incase they ever fall on hard times.

They are not likely to back down on this
Just wanted to say what a thoughtful person you are.
I do think you are also concerned about their future .
Sit them down and discuss this with them when everything has settled .
You could also write a letter acknowledging what they are planning to do. Give your explanation why you would rather they didn't give you the money for now.
Also saying if they would rather you had it you would accept it graciously.
Save it aside for them as advised.

To be fair to your parents goal posts have changed since 2008 pensionwise. They have strived and paid there way and circumstances have changed.

Retiring at 60 is now ambitious but only 20 years ago people thought retiring at 50 was becoming quite doable.

As a mum of adult children it is her pride to make you both equal. This could be a thread if she wasn't offerring you the same but you aren't that person.

Take the gift the way it is intended. Your parents may never need to rely on you. I like the idea of premium binds if you don't want to spend it just in case. Your parents are a different generation who have had a different path to tread - women on lower incomes not paying into pensions.

You could always save it and give them it as a retirement gift or a portion of it.
If they downsize or sell up and move into a caravan to fund there retirement this may be there way of giving you a bit now.

If they want to be meticulously fair could you ask for them to add the £5k to any inheritance you may get? This way it is fair in the end but does not penalise them now.

Take the money, and buy some premium bonds. If in the future your lovely parents struggle u can give it back

Take the money with a massive, appreciative thank you and put it in an ISA. When they need help later in life, use it for that.

@bloodyhairy I completely agree! It's bonkers to take money of your elderly parents when you don't need it. Your sister did. You don't. So you politely turn it down and explain that.

If you refuse it you could offend them. If you take and stash for their rainy day what's the harm.

My in laws live on a pittance but save like crazy to be able to leave something to their children and also to have the outward appearance of wealth, like a new car. They value treating you equally and they have their pride. I think you can protest and check that they are sure but should probably graciously accept.

The parents aren't particularly elderly or destitute. They aren't able to afford to retire at 60 - who realistically can. There finances are down because of covid hopefully they can recover and health willing they will be able to work till 66 and draw a state and private pension. OP is in danger of snubbing mum's values giving the equal money is important to her.

OP says her parents are in a better position than many of their peers. Maybe OP feels that by taking the money it brings ger down to sister's level who OP sees as holding out a begging bowl.
The money is an equal gift to both children because the parents want to.

Hi all, thanks for the advice again. I spoke to my parents yesterday and wanted to give a quick update.

I explained that we were really grateful for the offer and appreciated that they were trying to be fair to us both but that whilst DSis need the money to stay at home, I'm lucky enough to get that from our work, so actually both grandchildren are already getting the benefit of staying with their mums for the first six months.

I also made the point that, as kind as their offer was, if they gave us the money now we'd just be putting it in savings for the baby. I said it would be fairer to all GC (now & in the future) for them to hold on to it for now and maybe start some small savings for the kids.

Anyway, it went really well, they have accepted they don't need to give us the same money to be fair, and we've managed to get there without offending them which 3 days ago felt impossible, so thank you everyone for your input.

X

That is good that you have settled it how you wanted to.

Take it and put it in an ISA. They may be deliberately trying to keep their savings low to avoid you and your sis being stung for inheritance tax in future. It's easier to sign it over and then you give them monthly payments in future if needed.

That great news OP. So pleased it went well. A weight off your mind.

That's great news!

Well done. I've also grown up with parents determined to be scrupulously fair to me and my sister. Also because their own upbringings were anything but fair.

My mother's had a number of conversations with me over the years where I've had to reassure her that I didn't feel I'd missed out at certain stages especially when our interests and needs diverged.

What @LongDuckDong said.

Let them give their gift; put it aside either for your DC future or to help out your DP should they need it in the future. But don't tell them it's their money coming back to them. They don't need to know that.

Well done OP. My mum is the same (mainly because her upbringing was not at all fair). It’s good to hear they accepted that fair does have to mean rigidly the same. Sounds like you handled it brilliantly.

Take it , ferret it away and don’t spend it x

I have been in a similar position with my parents and didn’t actually need the money however mum once said to me that they get so much pleasure from seeing me use it now rather than when they are gone that I must not deny them that. I thought I was doing the right thing in saying I didn’t need it but clearly I wasn’t.
Unless you really believe they are in financial difficulties I’d say accept it.if you feel they feel obliged having given it to your sister and can’t really afford it, then you could explain that you fully understand why they funded your sister but your circumstances are totally different and you don’t feel the need for her to balance things out. Suggest if she really wants to give something her time when the baby is born to help out would be much more appreciated or something similar.