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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To reject their offer even though it's going to upset/offend them?

125 replies

PearPuddingPie · 19/02/2021 11:37

I really need advice - this is a nice problem to have but I'm really worried it's going to turn out badly if I'm not careful.

My parents are lovely and DM in particular has always been careful to be fair between me and DSis. Growing up she tracked birthday and Christmas presents to ensure things evened out over time and a lot of this is because she felt her DM has favoured my aunt.

A few years ago DSis and DBIL had their first baby and I was aware at the time that DPs gave them money. DSis was able to have mat leave only because of their generosity because her job was SMP only.

Now I'm pregnant DM has told me that she is going to give us the same - £5k! It's really incredibly generous but I know that the only reason it is that high is because of the difficult situation DSis was in whereas I have paid maternity leave through work and we have savings.

I'm really worried they can't afford this - I know roughly what they earn and in normal times £5k would be at least a year's worth of savings for my parents and they have been impacted by Covid. On top of this, my parents tend to be optimistic about finances and there was tension a few years back when we suggested they talk to a financial advisor after hearing that they were planning to retire early at 60. They discovered that what they thought was a massive pension would pay about £1k a year and I feel like we rained on their parade.

I genuinely don't know how to tackle this without causing massive upset as my initial attempts at suggesting they e.g. buy a car seat instead, have been firmly rebuffed already and they will take real offense at being perceived as being unable to afford it. Any advice would be so appreciated!

OP posts:

TommyKnocker · 19/02/2021 13:06

@Phineyj that's a really good suggestion. Tell them you're concerned about childcare costs/flexibility and it would be more helpful if they could help you out minding you DC. Obviously if they are physically up to it and have the time - and you're happy with it.

MutteringDarkly · 19/02/2021 13:06

How about saying that you don't need it, but you understand they want to be fair, so if it really bothers them they could add a note to their wills saying they want you to have an extra X amount from the estate because of this?

That way, if they need to spend all their estate due to financial strains now, it is still available to them, but they feel they have made a gesture of future fairness, if you see what I mean?

Bouledeneige · 19/02/2021 13:09

I think there's a way to decline it without offending them. Just say that you really appreciate their kind offer but you are well covered by maternity pay so don't need it right now, but that you will bear it in mind for future needs. Be vague and non-specific about the future.

Original poster

PearPuddingPie · 19/02/2021 13:11

Thanks everyone for so many lovely suggestions, I'm feeling quite teary reading some of them! (Pregnancy hormones I'm sure...)

I'd love to suggest the babysitting option instead but they're not local. In fact, this may be part of what's Mum's worried about as DSis lives near them whereas we're by MIL so maybe she's trying to be fair with money because she knows she can't be with time.

We do usually treat them to things (in pre-Covid times obvs) by taking them out to a restaurant but saying we much prefer my Mum's home cooked food but it's hard to do at a distance. And this whole thing is made so much harder by being over Zoom rather than face to face!

I've also been a bit guilty of not really tackling this head on so I think I'll try some of these fantastic suggestions and actually have a proper heart to heart with them about it. Definitely suggesting they hold on to it until things are back to normal with Covid is a great shout, thank you, and I can point out I'll be receiving maternity pay for a good few months if they're worried.

Honestly, I realise how lucky I am to have this as a problem - I can't imagine many people get upset because their parents are trying to be too fair!

OP posts:

prettyindarkblack · 19/02/2021 13:11

Could you ask your DM to put it in savings for your child, then if they need it they can call upon it and you wouldn't really know so they wouldn't feel embarrassed?

cabbagedpickles · 19/02/2021 13:14

@LongDuckDong

Take it and put it away. In the future if they are in trouble it will be there for them.

This is what I'd do as well.

Helenluvsrob · 19/02/2021 13:15

Take it and stash it away . Spend it on them in future eg with the health service as it is , a private knee replacement or similar might be a plan if they need it.

Or that amazing holiday away with you and your child in a few years.

Or child’s future.

They’ll be offended if you say no. It’s coming from a generous heart . Accept it gracefully and use it to make life sweeter for you all

Canitbemagic · 19/02/2021 13:16

Actually it’s possibly smart of them - give you the money - you keep it and pay for something in return.

I actually aim to be pretty much asset free by the time I go, I do not want my children going through what my friend went through - she scrimped saved and made good investments and then was diagnosed with MS- all of her properties sold to pay for her care. Everyone else in the entire unit (Neurological unit) is nhs funded. She has to pay for her care £10 K a month until it is all gone. I think she can keep the last £20 K after selling everything. Take it and put it in an Isa for a rainy day

HugeBowlofChips · 19/02/2021 13:17

Take it graciously- it is their decision, they obviously care deeply about treating you equally. Although they underestimated the value of their mortgage, it sounds like they are otherwise financially prudent.
But don't spend it - either save it for your child or for them in future. Funeral costs???

orangecinnamon · 19/02/2021 13:20

The only way I think you could possibly address this is by stating that it would be unfair upon your sister if they gave you this money. Effectively you will have an extra 5k floating around as you are already being paid the shortfall that she had through your wages.

It might work.....

planet9 · 19/02/2021 13:21

What's important to your mum is the fairness of the situation. I would do a rough calculation of how much your sister had per month of her maternity leave (5k + SMP) and tell your Mum that you will be receiving slightly less per month. Ask your Mum if she would mind just giving you the difference (small amount) so that it isn't unfair on your sister. That way, she will still be giving you something and she'll feel that you and your sister have been treated equally. And you won't feel like you're leaving your parents short of money.

WashableVelvet · 19/02/2021 13:22

With my parents I’d turn the tables a little bit - and worry out loud to them that them giving me that would actually be unfair on my sister as I got maternity pay that she didn’t

abc31 · 19/02/2021 13:26

My parents are exactly like this (partly because they adopted two children before having an unexpected child). They don't differentiate between financial need, other than if one child is given some money, the will is adjusted so that all the kids end up receiving the same. My in laws take the opposite view, and give to the child that is in more need of the money.

In your situation, I'd have a honest chat about you not needing the money and not wanting to leave them short. If they insist, I'd put it in a savings account and let them know that it's there for them if they ever need it.

OverTheRubicon · 19/02/2021 13:27

Agree with people who say that maybe if they could babysit or childmind once a week once you go back, that would be worth a lot financially and potentially cost them little, or otherwise raise that it would be more unfair for you to be so much better off than your sister.

I don't like the idea of taking it and keeping it for them, it feels a bit patronising if they are financially naive but not spendthrifts and also you don't know how much near term trouble that £5k could put them in.

This is more controversial, but if they are tight on funds I'd also be careful with seeing how much they help your sister, not from fairness but because we have a close relative who ended up in dire financial straits because she so wanted to help her daughter, who was tight on cash herself but didn't realise her parents' true financial position.

converseandjeans · 19/02/2021 13:28

I would take it and put into savings maybe into child's name. It would be great in an ISA or premium bonds. It sounds like they want you to have it.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 19/02/2021 13:29

I think you sound lovely OP, trying so hard to consider your parents and not cause unintended offence. You’ve had some great suggestions, but it’s really lovely to read of such a positive relationship.

Mindlesspuzzles · 19/02/2021 13:31

Maybe they have more savings than you Think?
Its not uncommon for people to think their parents are skint when in fact they have a fair bit of savings.

Dryshampooandcoffee · 19/02/2021 13:38

You are so very kind to think like this OP. My parents are exactly the same and would help my siblings out and give me the cash to make it even. We’ve had a few kind but blunt conversations where we’ve said it’s really not necessary, and explained how much we appreciate their generosity but also voiced our concerns regarding the financial strain. The one thing that I thing got through to my DF was saying that I would worry about siblings not coming to them if they were in financial difficulties as it would have a knock on effect of them having to pay out the same amount to all siblings. If say DSis needed 2k for car problems, she’d be less likely to go to our parents because she knows that would ultimately cost them 8k to make it even amongst all the children.

CallforHecate · 19/02/2021 13:39

Just another thought. If they’ve both gone down to part time can you check if they’re eligible for any tax credits etc? Might be worth a look.

NoSquirrels · 19/02/2021 13:42

I would go for the "I am so thankful for you, Mum, and how you keep everything fair, and I know it is important to you, but we don't need this money at the same time that Dsis did, because I am getting a good maternity pay package. Please could you hold onto it until sometime that I do need it?" If necessary, they can adjust their will to say that you are 'owed' £5,000. That's what my MIL has done in a similar case. (It will probably end up being meaningless but it makes her feel better!)

2bazookas · 19/02/2021 13:42

Take it, use if needed, save the remainder for them.
Then you can either say " Here it is, we didn't need it all"; or just put it in an ISA as a lovely surprise for when they need it.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 19/02/2021 13:47

I'd take it and save it. I also had financially relaxed parents and it's a constant headache.

"They discovered that what they thought was a massive pension would pay about £1k a year and I feel like we rained on their parade."

Bloody well good for you and of course you didn't rain on their parade, what on earth would have happened if they had actually retired?

2bazookas · 19/02/2021 13:52

@Mindlesspuzzles

Maybe they have more savings than you Think? Its not uncommon for people to think their parents are skint when in fact they have a fair bit of savings.

So true. Our kids are all very high earners who entirely mistook our relatively modest lifestyle for necessity

TatianaBis · 19/02/2021 13:56

I would just tell them you don't need it and to put it into their own ISA.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/02/2021 14:07

Since your parents aren't local (although I don't know how far they are from you), could you tell them to put the money in a 'travel fund' to pay for them to come see you (petrol, travel fares, hotels) more frequently to be a larger part of their new grandchild's life. Assuming their visits are pleasant occasions, of course.

Otherwise, if they absolutely insist after all your explanations, I would tell them frankly that I'm setting the money aside as I don't need it for the purpose they think I do.

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