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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH upset with me for taking sick day

147 replies

mrshunterr · 18/02/2021 12:23

Just found out I'm pregnant and have managed to come down with some kind of cold. I feel horrendous! OH has just slammed the door and walked out as he doesn't want to use savings to pay bills and now that I'm having a day off he has too.

I said I would do some overtime to put the money back but he's fuming.

AIBU?

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 18/02/2021 13:32

@ineedaholidaynow

If one day off work means you need to dip into savings how are you going to afford a third child?
Whilst his comments were unreasonable if truly unwell to go to work, maybe he’s wondering the same re finances if one day off means using savings and in a job that’s temporary so could end at any point.
Francescaisstressed · 18/02/2021 13:43

You can't base the whole relationship off this one moment. Are you worried about money ahd issues before? Do you take a lot of sick days etc.
But of crappy behaviour from him. Either brush it off if he's got loads going on or hash it out if he's generally rude and selfish.

NewScone · 18/02/2021 13:45

What's he going to do when you are on maternity leave?

fassbendersmistress · 18/02/2021 13:54

@user54328876

This is quite straightforward really.

One sentence.

"You can either not talk to me like that or you can get the fuck out and don't come back"

You obviously work your fingers to the bone, earning the family fixed income. You do this to allow him to have financial freedom in his business life, to take the pressure off him. He can show some appreciation and understanding or get to fuck, cheeky bastard.

This ^^
Washimal · 18/02/2021 13:59

I think posters telling OP that she is in an "abusive relationship" and that he "doesn't love you" are jumping the gun a bit. Maybe he is an abusive shit, but that's not clear cut from the very limited information we have here. Has no-one on here ever slammed a door? Really? Confused
As many posters have pointed out, if OP doesn't get sick pay then any complications with her pregnancy could mean they have to dip into their savings a lot more frequently over the coming months. Then there's maternity leave to think about. It definitely sounds like her DH overreacted but maybe he's worried about how they are going to cover all these eventualities and the ongoing costs of third child if OP takes time off every time she has a cold- maybe she doesn't, but the point is we don't know.

Youseethethingis · 18/02/2021 14:03

As the non-pregnant person, why isn’t he doing some extra work to make up the money?
You make the babies, he makes the cash, everyone’s doing their bit?
No way on earth my DH would ever treat me like this, pregnant or not. If you’re not well you’re not well!

Azerothi · 18/02/2021 14:11

Why can't your boyfriend do 12-hour shifts? Was your boyfriend like this with your other two pregnancies or just this one?

saraclara · 18/02/2021 14:12

You make the babies, he makes the cash, everyone’s doing their bit?

Seriously? Is it 1950?

ViciousJackdaw · 18/02/2021 14:13

Is this a 'surprise' pregnancy?

OhCaptain · 18/02/2021 14:16

The obvious question:

Wtf are you doing with this wanker? And why on earth are you having another baby with him??

IEat · 18/02/2021 14:18

How dies one day equate to having to dip into savings to bills? Makes no sense. A week off unpaid I understand.

Fluffycloudland77 · 18/02/2021 14:19

Dhs ex was financially abusive and used to give him hell over sick days too.

Annabell80 · 18/02/2021 14:22

@IEat

How dies one day equate to having to dip into savings to bills? Makes no sense. A week off unpaid I understand.
I wondered this. If doesn't make sense you can afford a £4k holiday but can't afford one sick day.
Lastfreakinglegs · 18/02/2021 14:23

Simple he needs to man the fuck up and get a job that also supports his family. I don't like the sound of him one bit. Very angry on your behalf.

MadinMarch · 18/02/2021 14:25

Get yourself a Covid test. If it's positive, don't go to work however much pressure he puts on you.
His behaviour is appalling and totally out of order- do you not get angry with him?
I'd also remind him that the 'savings' are at least 50% yours, and that you're entitled to make adult decisions like assessing when you're too ill to go to work.

ElizaLaLa · 18/02/2021 14:26

Should you be having a baby when your finances are so tight, having one day off means breaking into the savings?

How will you cope with maternity leave?

Also,should you he having baby with such a dick?

OakSnows · 18/02/2021 14:26

@mrshunterr like others have said, go and get yourself a covid test.

Your partner really is a controlling dick, your sick and his response to his pregnant partner instead of helping her and looking after the k is to get angry? It really really isn’t normal.

Although I bet if you asked him to look after the kids so you could go for a drive through test his Answer would be anger at the thought of needing 10 days off if you test positive.

Hhusky · 18/02/2021 14:27

He is being absolutely horrible. Men do not and can not experience how it feels to be in the early stages of pregnancy where you feel like shit all the time, never mind when you get ill on top of that. Tell him to get his head out of his arse, use the savings needed for the bills and show you a bit of care and respect. I would absolutely not work that extra shift.

that1970shouse · 18/02/2021 14:28

You should get a Covid test. My DH had "a bit of a cold" but it was Covid. No cough etc., just sniffly and a very slight temperature. Then anosmia hence getting tested.

Eckhart · 18/02/2021 14:29

@Washimal

I think posters telling OP that she is in an "abusive relationship" and that he "doesn't love you" are jumping the gun a bit. Maybe he is an abusive shit, but that's not clear cut from the very limited information we have here. Has no-one on here ever slammed a door? Really? Confused As many posters have pointed out, if OP doesn't get sick pay then any complications with her pregnancy could mean they have to dip into their savings a lot more frequently over the coming months. Then there's maternity leave to think about. It definitely sounds like her DH overreacted but maybe he's worried about how they are going to cover all these eventualities and the ongoing costs of third child if OP takes time off every time she has a cold- maybe she doesn't, but the point is we don't know.
The episode OP reported was emotionally abusive. How many abusive episodes do there need to be, before it's classed as 'an abusive relationship'?

Either way, if he's worried, he needs to find a way of dealing with it that doesn't make his partner feel like she's nervous of his reaction when she feels unwell. Otherwise it's not really a partnership at all. It's one person calling the shots, and the other one feeling anxious about it.

coconutpie · 18/02/2021 14:30
  1. You need to get a covid test arranged now.
  1. He is a dick and you should be seriously considering LTB.
AllTheWayFromLondonDAMN · 18/02/2021 14:34

I had two hyperemesis pregnancies. My husband never did anything except be kind to me. You’re hardly feeling poorly on purpose- a sentiment that is always true but even more so when you’re pregnant.

Somethingkindaoooo · 18/02/2021 14:35

Are you going 'in in' to work?
Because you probably would have been sent home anyways

MuddyPawPrintsEverywhere · 18/02/2021 14:36

He needs to get a part-time job to fill in the gaps when he's not actively working, if he's so worried about money that he's making his pregnant wife nervous to tell him she needs a day off!

Disgusting.

pepsicolagirl · 18/02/2021 14:37

It's ok to disagree that you are ill enough to take a sick day
It's ok to worry about your finances
It's ok to want to go on holiday - albeit slightly naïve given all of this

It is not ok that all of the financial stress is on you. It is not ok that you felt nervous to take a sick day.

I am not saying that you are in an abusive relationship, I don't know you.
I will just leave this here though

You are in a financially abusive relationship if your partner…

Gives you “allowances” or “budgets” without your input
Requiring you to account for everything you spend
Pressures you to quit your job or sabotages your work responsibilities
Feels entitled to your money or assets
Spends your money without your knowledge
Controls how all of the household finances are spent
Limits your ability to attend job training, pursue higher education, or otherwise advance your career
Limits your access to your own bank account or mutual bank accounts
Lives in your home without working or helping with household tasks
Maxes out credit cards in your name (and then doesn’t make payments on those credit cards)
Threatens to cut you off financially when you disagree
Uses funds from children’s savings account without mutual agreement
Prevents you from working by hiding your keys, or offering to babysit and then not showing up
Engages in other forms of abuse like belittling or physical abuse when they get angry over your spending habits

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