Sorry, another "3rd child" one...

[BlueGizmo]

I know, I know, people are always asking about having number 3, but what if you'll have a big age gap?? I have DS9 and DD7. Does the 3rd feel left out?? Also I'm 36 this year, am I too old?? We have a big 3 bed and if we went ahead we'd either eventually move or convert the loft so not worried about space. We're also well off financially.

Does anyone have experience of having number 3 with this sort of age gap?

I had number 3 when 1 and 2 were 5 and nearly 4. They have been brilliant with him but don't have much to do with him now they are 16 and 15. He is totally, totally ruined and the apple of everyone's eye though.

3 is a lot. A lot. And I wouldnt have done it if the big two had been much older.

Agree every family is different. Mine are 5 and 7 and I couldn’t go back now but I had five years of rubbish sleep with mine and no way could undo that again if would finish me off. Plus we can’t really afford a bigger house or bigger car and haven’t got space for more ‘stuff’.

I def don’t think 36 is too old. I had my second at 37.

But I’d be mostly thinking of my older children and how much a baby and its all night screaming and awkward routines would impact on them.

I agree with what someone said above, the baby bit was fine, actually really lovely, ds2 was a dream baby, but it has been much harder than I expected since ds2 has been a toddler/pre schooler - he will be 3 in a few months.

The older kids mostly adapted well, ds1 and ds2 both adore and annoy each other, and dd rises above it all, mostly (dd is 9, ds1 is 6, so a slightly smaller gap ds1 to ds2). Dd is happy doing kid stuff at the moment and I dont see that as a huge issue.

For us its things like board games / eating out / longer walks etc and the sheer tiredness of having a 2 year old in the mix. He is the most amazing, energetic, funny child though, and I couldn't imagine not having him. I was 39 when he was born.

(I heard an interesting podcast that said people have more children when their peers do, there are a lot of 3+ child families at our school, with the older two at school before dc3+ is born).

My third was an accident- big age gap. Best thing that happened to me and our family. Dd3 brings a new dimension, my older two children adore her and help too.

I've come out of the other side of where you are. I was desperate for a third child but financially it never made sense. Kept giving myself deadlines and extending them and eventually got over it.

I'm so pleased we never had another. Two are enough and hard work but we can given them what they needs and they are now at an age where we get time to ourselves and can enjoy some freedoms while enjoying time with the children. They are starting to enjoy the same films/games/activities we do. The thought of having to fit a 5 year old in the mix is a bit terrifying- especially given what we have been through this year.

That sounds like an interesting podcast @RicStar! There's a woman at DC's school with 5 (none are twins) but that's definitely too many for me, lovely though they are!

Don’t do it. My friend had angel-like twins and when they were 8 and she was 38 had devil child! Now she’s still having to do the school run with a nightmare 5 year old who fights with her about everything and the twins are hitting teenage problems. Even if the third hadn’t been a nightmare it’s also bad for the planet to do more than replace yourselves on it.

I was 10 when my youngest sister was born, I didn't play with her much but I would help my mum take care of her. She would spend most of her time playing with my brother who is 5 years older than her. As adults we are very close though, although admittedly she is closest to my brother. I have another sister who is 2.5 years younger than me, we played together as kids but are not close at all.

I am currently having a 3rd baby, my dd is 4, nearly 5 and ds is 3(4 in July). I wouldn't have gone for a bigger age gap but that is purely because the age gap is 15 months between my elder two.

Only you and your oh can decide if it is worth doing the pregnancy, newborn stage again when you are out of the other side. At 36 you are not too old but I wouldn't wait much longer to decide as it may take longer to get pregnant than the first two times.

"I have a 7 year old 8 year old and an 8 month old. The big 2 love their baby brother and I love seeing them play together. Yes it's hard and days out and holidays will be harder but it's not forever."

You're talking from your perspective there, not any of the kids. Until the baby came along they were all at the same stage, you could've had holidays that were completely age appropriate. Now you can't ever do that. So yes, it is forever.

Goodness some of the responses on here are 🙄

3rd baby is 6 months. Other 2 are 9 & 6.
I too had the same concerns as you before having a third.
I didn't need to. There's no regrets. The older 2 absolutely adore their baby brother.
He fit straight in & was far easier going from 2 to 3 than 1 to 2.
My older 2 still have their things going on that they do together like gaming etc but will still play with their baby bro.

If the urge is strong to have another go for it. You'll not regret having another baby but will regret not having 1.

I was in my mid 30’s when I had my one and only DS. Pregnancy went perfectly, birth went ok, retained placenta was the only issue requiring emergency surgery, but I recovered ok. So regarding age, I really don’t see this as an issue.

Do I have regrets I didn’t have him younger, at times yes. He’s now a hormonal teen and I couldn’t imagine having a baby/toddler thrown in the mix at this stage. You’ll be in your 40’s with teens and a toddler.

My experience of being the third child was fine. My DM had us all very young. I have two older brothers who are close in age and have a close relationship. I didn’t feel I missed out because of this, I didn’t however like the hectic household, their friends always round, the arguments with one brother in particular when we hit the teen years. All good now but there were difficult times. Think that’s why I prefer our less hectic lifestyle with just one DS.

What will a third child add to your life that you don't currently have?

I wanted a third until my eldest reached her teens. Don’t think I could go through this stage more than twice especially with a big gap in between.

The only way you should consider it if both you and your DH passionately desire to have another child? If in any doubt, either of you, don't do it

I was 9 and my sister 11 when my brother was born. We both loved having a little brother around the house.

Probably less close for a while when we went to uni but then when he hit his late teens we developed a whole new adult relationship which is great, and now the age gap is irrelevant,

I think if siblings get on or not is about their personalities and how you treat them so I wouldn’t worry about that as a factor. What is important is whether you and your husband really want that third child and can manage it well within your life.

I’m pregnant with my 3rd (hence the username) mine will have 2 years roughly been each of them. They might hate each other, yours might love each other... all families are different you just don’t know.

If you have a healthy, loving family I can’t imagine a new baby would cause such a rift or cause any long term damage to your older children. Yeah they might get a bit bored/impatient of baby/toddler stuff but meh... that’s life.

Similarly youngest may love having 2 BIG siblings & never give a toss he/she is the youngest or feel left out. Or he/she might... who knows. You can’t guess.

It’s up to you & your husband OP, go with your gut & try not to go to deep into your thinking I would say. It all figures itself out.

I'm a bit like you, OP- I have two who are 5 and 7 and I often wonder about a third.

Personally, what drives my motivations are baby snuggles and cute toddleryness - I watch videos of my two children when they were little and I just melt with wistfulness. Would love to have that experience again. But, then I force myself to remember that they aren't tiny and cute forever - we couldn't afford to give three children the same lives as we could give two. We'd be limiting our first two's futures by squeezing in a third. I just don't think I can justify that. So I'm just going to love and cherish my two and be thankful we have them - we are so lucky.

Good luck, though. I think in a long-winded way I am advising to think of the long game and bear in mind that cute children turn into expensive teens who might like to go to uni and need help establishing themselves.

I can only comment on the age gaps. I'm one of three, my younger sister is 10 years younger and older sister is 2 and a half years older. The best thing my parents have done for me was to give me my sisters. I love them both equally but can talk about 'deeper stuff' more to my younger sister. It's a very individual thing and many siblings don't get along but I often wonder why people worry so much about age gaps, due to my experience.

We considered a third, but circumstances weren't right (financial, housing). I had an unplanned pregnancy last year that ended in miscarriage, with hindsight it was the best thing that could have happened for our circumstances and we've ruled out a third entirely.
Our reasons:

1. Our parents both had a third baby with a large age gap. Yes we love our siblings, but as the oldest neither of us are really close to them. I remember feeling very aggrieved at being made to go and entertain a 2 year old when I was 10 and wanted to be going out playing with my friends.
2. It would mean a complete return to all the nonsense from the baby stage that we had finished with - night wakings, breastfeeding, prams, nappies, bags of supplies to leave the house, toddler groups.
3. While I'm plenty young enough, I have already spent my 20s in the thick of baby and toddler wrangling. DH would be at least 40 by the time the baby was born. Our vision of him being 60 doesn't include having a 20 year old at home.
4. The age gap and mix of sexes means we'd need a 4 bed house.
5. A 50% increase in the costs of everything child related.
6. Our lives are pretty good at the moment. I enjoy my career, the kids are fun, we can do things that we all enjoy as a family without having to adapt for buggies/short attention spans, things not being aimed at toddlers. We don't have baby crap cluttering up the house. I don't see what a third would "add" to our lives.
7. The environment - having kids generally is bad for the environment, having a third is worse than having two.

And I think it is entirely possible to love a child while still feeling regret for having had them. It's not as simple as "you'll regret what you haven't done not what you have".

36 sounds young! I had my 3rd at 44 when my other 2dc were 9 and 7.

On the plus side, I had craved a 3rd child, had several miscarriages. I had come to terms with having 2 and then dc3 was unexpected- and it is such a privilege to have my complete, big family and to feel complete and utterly never want another baby!!

Older 2 adored him to begin with, they still do but now he is 3 there is more tension. But the middle kid and dc3 play a lot. I loved having the baby phase again.

But I don't particularly enjoy toddlers and I am so relieved to be through that bit. I have absolutely no time to myself. Had to stop my hobby again. Cant do anything with my older girls like board games, home school, trips out. None of my friends have small ones so when we meet up i am the only one not sitting around sipping wine having uninterrupted conversations. And there are constant arguments with dp about whose turn it is to take out dc3.

But since Christmas we have turned a corner. It feels easier again and that's with a lockdown thrown in. I've met lots of new people with small kids in the park and preschool. I'm very glad we did it , we absolutely adore him but there have been low moments. I'm also really quite old and I'm sure that adds to it.

Best of luck!

Thanks @perfectpanda. I totally understand what it's like to be the only one with a toddler, this was me first time around. All my friends have only just started having DC in the last couple of years. Maybe that's partially why I'm thinking about a third, I'm surrounded by little ones! I'm the one smugly sipping the wine on my own!

I'm my case you never stop wanting more. I thought I was done - 3 very close together. So dh got the snip. In one sense totally glad he did as when youngest turned 6, omg the wanting for another baby which would be totally insane as we have enough on out plate.

I'm glad the decision isnt there as we would have probably had more which would have been so wrong for us and for the children we have.

Interesting reading this as I'm five months with my third although the age gap to my eldest won't be as big, have a 6 year old and 3 year old who will turn 7 and 4 in September.
I've always wanted a third and although I know it will be hectic and it will be going back to the newborn toddler phase when the other two will be in school and pre-school. I think I'd of regretted it if we go for a third.

@BrizzleMaverick we're almost similar. I have a just turned 8 year old and a 5 year old and I'm due in May 😁

Mine were the same age when I had my third. They are so close and love and support each other. As things worked out my eldest and youngest have children the same age. The eldest and the middle’s older children are also the same age. My grandchildren are really close and spend lots of time with their cousins, uncles and aunt.

The only problem I had was, I could not tell the youngest off for anything as the other two jumped to his defence. Growing up, it was like he had two sets of parents.