Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Sorry, another "3rd child" one...

155 replies

BlueGizmo · 17/02/2021 20:36

I know, I know, people are always asking about having number 3, but what if you'll have a big age gap?? I have DS9 and DD7. Does the 3rd feel left out?? Also I'm 36 this year, am I too old?? We have a big 3 bed and if we went ahead we'd either eventually move or convert the loft so not worried about space. We're also well off financially.

Does anyone have experience of having number 3 with this sort of age gap?

OP posts:

Original poster

BlueGizmo · 17/02/2021 23:17

@OwlinaTree

You are not too old op! I had my first at 36, and my second a month before 39.

I wouldn't have any more now as they are 6 and 4, and I couldn't go back to the sleepless nights and really don't want to be pregnant again. I feel like we've moved to a new chapter now, the baby chapter has finished for us. There are things I miss about having a baby, but there are more exciting things ahead than the times that have already been. I am ready for the next bit, I don't want to go back to the baby bit.

My friend was broody when her children got to this age and they decided to get a dog - seems to have helped!

Haha! I'll bet that dog is well and truly doted on! I do get what you mean about the baby chapter. I thought we were passed that too but maybe I'm physically and mentally feeling like there's one last go.

OP posts:

Justgorgeous · 17/02/2021 23:17

I have 19, 16 and 5 and was also 44 when I had the 3rd one. We have muddled through, not been easy at times but we are a close family.

cheeseismydownfall · 17/02/2021 23:20

My siblings were 7 and 10 when I was born. It's not an age gap I would recommend. They were never unkind to me but I spent my early childhood feeling left out, never in on the jokes, never able to keep up. I think it has had a lasting impact on me. Then I spent my teenage years effectively as an only child, but without the benefit of not having to share family resources.

So personally I would say no, don't do it.

CrazyFoxLady · 17/02/2021 23:23

Do it! I've got 5 DC. Eldest is in her twenties and youngest is 10. Go for more it's brilliant

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 17/02/2021 23:23

I had DSs aged 8 and 12 when DD was born. It was fine. The boys were a tad put out because they only had a room each for a year (we'd moved from a 2 bed to a 3) but they got over it.
As it turned out, we then had another two sons (2 and 4 years later) too I was 36 when the youngest was born, 32 when DD arrived.

HunkyPunk · 17/02/2021 23:24

You're definitely not too old! I was only having dc1 at 35 and had dc3 just before my 45th Birthday, when dc1 was 10 and dc2 was 8, so very simlar age gap to yours. I was so much more relaxed with number 3, and older two were fabulous at keeping youngest amused. Rather than feeling left out, I think youngest has revelled in having older siblings. By the time the older two really were striking out on their own, (uni, etc.) youngest had forged their own friendship group, and had a social life, so never seemed to be a problem. I've never regretted having a third!

Dustyboots · 17/02/2021 23:25

Two children is enough for our planet.

Personally - knowing how much I wanted a third and how relieved I am now that we didn't. Knowing how much energy, time and love each of mine need. I think this world is going to be tough for young people to navigate and think it's best to aim for quality rather than quantity.

cheeseismydownfall · 17/02/2021 23:29

To those who are saying that their youngest child is revelling in the attention, don't assume you know what that child will really feel as they grow up. I'm sure on the outside I looked like the absolute pet of the family, the centre of attention. But it was actually very lonely because even from a young age I understood on some level that my siblings were humouring me, not playing with me as an equal. My parents certainly would have had no idea how I felt, I never told them.

cheeseismydownfall · 17/02/2021 23:31

And being left behind at home for many years with parents who are getting a bit older and a bit more knackered isn't much fun.

sunbunnydownunder · 17/02/2021 23:33

I have 3 with a 9 and 6 yr age gap with the youngest. I was also 39 when I had him. I always wanted 3 just took awhile to talk the DH around. Then he changed his mind and said 2 more. I am more then happy we stopped at 3. His older brothers have never resented him they are great with him. He is totally spoiled by them. Yes certain things would be easier but other things are easier too as we have babysitters now which we didnt have when the others were little. They are all close and they spend lots of time with their little brother.

KobaniDaughters · 17/02/2021 23:38

I personally wouldn’t but I think your situation of being a different dad also puts a different perspective on it....does he have other children? Because if not and you are happy to have another then it would be a shame to deny him the experience of newborn —hell— joy

Otherwise though, no. Purely on an environmental stand point and because I agree coming out of the baby early childhood phase and throwing back into it would be too much. One of the few benefits of having DC in my twenties is I get to be footloose and fancy free in my late forties, I don’t intend to give up my 50’s to child rearing as well! If I REALLY wanted a 3rd I’d adopt, DH and I will actually more likely become foster parents when ours leave home

KobaniDaughters · 17/02/2021 23:38

Not being a different dad, having a different dad

Mustreadabook · 17/02/2021 23:38

I have 2 and I don’t want any more, but if you do then why not. 36 isn’t old, I was 35 when I had my first. Though I do think people might get baby amnesia when they forget the hard work and think another is cute. Not sure I would have had a second if it hadn’t been twins. So make sure you haven’t got rose tinted spectacles on!

Stegosaurus11 · 17/02/2021 23:41

I have 2 boys who will be 10 & 3 when my 3rd is born, my eldest adores the 2 year old & I know full well he'll be the same with the new baby, he doesn't know yet he's getting another sibling yet!
There is 13 years between me & my sister & we were very close when I was younger.

wanderedlonelyasacloud · 17/02/2021 23:42

I absolutely would in your position

Mustreadabook · 17/02/2021 23:42

There are probably disadvantages to every age gap. Twins are so competitive!

RandomMess · 17/02/2021 23:54

You do need to consider the negatives.

What if DC has additional needs? If you don't have a 4th you will end up being the playmate!

I would happily do the baby stage and under 8 stage again but the thought of extending the pre teen and teen years - all the taxi duties etc.

Also DH had unexpected health issues in his mid 30s and now I have mid 40s both quite random and not due to poor lifestyles or anything.

My hormones raged from my mid 30s and tbh they still do oh to have a baby again and all that goes with it 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ then I remind myself it can't go on forever and you have to let go and move on.

Gem89415 · 18/02/2021 00:02

I have a 7 year old 8 year old and an 8 month old. The big 2 love their baby brother and I love seeing them play together. Yes it's hard and days out and holidays will be harder but it's not forever.

felineflutter · 18/02/2021 00:10

We love our DS3 and have similar age gaps to you OP. The only thing I would say is we have to give a lot of our time to DS I love his company, which is lucky as he wants every second of our time We do not regret the decision and couldn't imagine life without DC3.

As PP said my other DC love their relationship with DS. It is different to siblings closer in age but no less important or rewarding.

PurplePeach83 · 18/02/2021 00:37

It's a tough one OP, I remember well the feeling of not quite 'being done' after my first 2 DC. DH and I were keen for a third as we had had our first 2 in our twenties and once they were both at school we found we didn't quite feel ready to close that chapter of our lives, particularly as friends were just starting their families. We had DC3 when DD was 7 and DS was 5. We went on to have DC4 2 years later.
The good:

obviously we adore all our children. It's lovely to see how different they all are, they each bring something unique to the table.
there's never a dull moment
it has taught our older children to share time, resources etc.
there are no lingering doubts whatsoever whether I would like any more DC, I know my family now feels complete.

Challenges;

4th pregnancy was very complicated. I was on bed rest for 6 months with two kids and a toddler. DH had to leave his job to be my full time carer. Overnight our world changed, finances etc. , but we got through it. You never quite know how a pregnancy will impact your health or if the baby might have health issues
it feels like we are raising 2 rival teams of kids. The older 2 loved the younger ones as babies but now they have hit their teens, they really seem to resent their younger siblings sadly and find them embarrassing.
teens are massively hard work. Fun too, but emotionally very challenging. They need your time more than you imagine.
DH and I struggle to find time to be intimate as early mornings with younger kids and teens staying up late mooching about the house well after we have gone to bed 😠
Quite honestly, with 2 DC I was able to put my hand on my heart and say I was a good parent. When you get to 3/4 DC, it feels like your standards have to relax a little, it becomes more about being the best you can be, but personally I always feel stretched thin and like i'm putting out fires.

I wouldn't change it OP, I think I would have always felt pangs of sadness, like something wasn't complete if we had stopped at 2, but I am sure things would have been a lot easier if we had.
I do hope that helps OP, and I wish you all the best with your decision.

RoseMartha · 18/02/2021 01:02

I have a friend who has two dc in their mid twenties and a pre teen. Dc three was planned. The age gap worked for them.

realunicorn · 18/02/2021 01:05

Mine are 11, 7 and almost 2.

If you asked me 3 years ago I would have happily had loads more kids.

Now? I know I'm done. The last pregnancy was horrific compared to the ones in my late teens/early 20s. This alone puts me off number 4.

Dd3 has some additional medical needs which meant I couldn't return to work as I'd of liked as nobody else wanted to help out like they did with the older two and dh giving up work wasn't an option as he's the higher earner and always will be.

I don't regret my 3 though. They each have different relationships and I think the eldest and youngest are probably the closest. I find it easier being a parent to 3 then I did just having one.

I might regret my decision when teenage hormones kick in though!!

Starsky82 · 18/02/2021 01:05

I’m 38, just had my 3rd. Already have DD 13 and DS 8. Unexpected pregnancy, yet the best thing that’s ever happened to us! Our newborn has enriched our lives so much. Both DC are amazing with him, I feel he’s just settled into our lives and can’t remember what life was like before him. We agonised over whether to go through with the pregnancy (we would never have planned a 3rd for all the reasons stated above) but it’s the best thing that could have happened to our family.

gingganggooleywotsit · 18/02/2021 01:40

My SIL had a 3rd when her two were 10 and 8 and she genuinely regrets it. He’s 5 now and she still secretly asks me why she was so stupid!

gingganggooleywotsit · 18/02/2021 01:40

Once the oldest hit teenage years she had a nightmare dealing with the littlest at the same time

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7