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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry, another "3rd child" one...

155 replies

BlueGizmo · 17/02/2021 20:36

I know, I know, people are always asking about having number 3, but what if you'll have a big age gap?? I have DS9 and DD7. Does the 3rd feel left out?? Also I'm 36 this year, am I too old?? We have a big 3 bed and if we went ahead we'd either eventually move or convert the loft so not worried about space. We're also well off financially.

Does anyone have experience of having number 3 with this sort of age gap?

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 17/02/2021 21:45

My sister has 3 boys - 19, 16 and 5. The eldest two are, and have always been, very fond of their baby brother but of course they are close to each other in an entirely different way- they basically grew up together.

Does that matter? Probably too early to say, it doesnt seem to at the moment. From next year dn3 will be living as an only with both older boys off at university , which will be a big change. The main thing that would put me off are those early years when it's so difficult to do anything that suits everybody.

Original poster
BlueGizmo · 17/02/2021 21:59

@MissHoney85 Thanks for your experience, it's helpful to hear people's experiences and I'm glad it worked out well for you.

@RandomMess I know!! Stupid hormones! I wasn't really ready for my first, he wasn't planned and then we had DD so we'd have two close together and none of my friends had DC. I found it hard missing out on things sometimes. This is the first time I actually feel truly excited about the prospect and that I'm definitely "ready" but I'm also fully aware I already have 2 DC relying on me to put them first

OP posts:
Twistiesandshout · 17/02/2021 22:01

My eldest were 7 and 9 when we had DD. It is different but I am so pleased we went for it! They adore her, she adores them, at our family dinner time she sits in her high chair and babbles away eating bits of food of her 'second dinner' . It's amazing and she was definitely the missing piece of our puzzle.

thecognoscenti · 17/02/2021 22:05

@DesdemonaDryEyes

Will nobody think of the planet?
Quite. It never seems to factor into anyone's thinking which is very sad.
MissVanji · 17/02/2021 22:05

I definitely don't think you are too old and hormones are certainly a funny thing, I am the middle child of 3 siblings me and oldest only 2 years apart and younger brother 10 years difference to me and 12 my older brother. It was a shit show growing up, we couldn't ever do things we all wanted to do due to huge age gap 2 oldest didn't want to go to lego land we wanted thorpe Park, same with holidays it was just hard for our parents.

There is also a divide in sibling closeness even now we are all older, me and older brother went out a lot was into the sane kind of music and went festivals shared friends are big part of eachothers lives where younger brother was too young and it created a distance. I have 2 children and am sticking and would advise you do the same.

Worldwide2 · 17/02/2021 22:12

Ppl who make comments like 'think of the planet' have no clue. Please go read up on it properly.
It's more complex than not having no more than 2 children. Its about consumption not just population.

I think the age gap will be fine especially when they are adults.
I'd more thinking about starting it all again. No sleep,routines ect it's alot to go back to.
But if you are fine with that go ahead I say.

MonroeNotManson · 17/02/2021 22:14

It absolutely is mainly about population. Trying to argue it isn't just makes you look thick.

HerRoyalNotness · 17/02/2021 22:24

Mine were 10 and 7 when our last was born. They love her to bits and as she’s got more interesting my middle one plays with her happily. But yes it’s a bit like having this young ‘only’ child. We have one missing that would have been 6 and I can t help but think the 2 older then the 2 younger with the gap would have been the ideal.

Mo81 · 17/02/2021 22:25

I had my 3rd at 38 older kids were 5 and 7 older kids dote on liittle one

DesdemonaDryEyes · 17/02/2021 22:25

Thanks for your dismissive remarks @Worldwide2

Whichever way you look at it and however much you curb your consumption, 3 will always consume more than two.

unexpectedthird · 17/02/2021 22:27

We have 4 years between DC1 and DC2 then 8 years between DC2 and DC3.

The big two adore the toddler. He is a wee ray of sunshine that has filled our lives with chaos and laughter and the big two are his willing slaves. They are happy to play with him and are actually old enough to supervise a bit while I make tea etc.

It has altered our dynamic hugely. We were well past no sleep and 5am wake ups and being back there is harder than it was the first twice. It is also harder to find something for us all to do together. It's not been so apparent because of covid but in normal times,things like the cinema won't be possible as a five for some time yet.

We live very rurally so there are lots of things er can do as a family - the beach for example. Over the summer the big two were able to paddleboard etc while the wee one paddled and ate sand.

Childcare is still eyewatering and should be considered and it's crazy to think that the eldest will have left school before the youngest has finished primary.

Not a particle of us regrets the situation but it's not always easy. It sounds like it's something you really do want though so it's irrelevant what others think really. Everyone will have a different opinion.

Original poster
BlueGizmo · 17/02/2021 22:52

Thanks for sharing your experience @unexpectedthird. I know it will be hard, I'm not bothered by feeling tired etc but more nervous about the how the dynamic might change, especially as the kids grow up.

Didn't forsee the comments about population growth... I'm not going to comment on that, mainly because, as unbelievable as it sounds, I have a Masters in Environmental Science and work in agricultural renewable energy and my experience has shown me that there is a woeful lack of understanding as to how we can best combat climate change. Suffice to say I'm confident that having a 3rd child isn't going to be the biggest factor in our ability to do this.

OP posts:
Ameliablue · 17/02/2021 22:55

I have a 10 year gap between 2 and 3. I would probably have preferred to have a 4th so that there would be 2 and 2 but circumstances haven't really allowed for this.

Worldwide2 · 17/02/2021 22:55

Christ 😩
At this point in time ppl do not have as many children as they did years ago. Lots of ppl don't want them, abortion ect
If ppl are encouraged to have two children or less, then the replacement fertility rate is unlikely to be met, and this could lead to a society with more grandparents than grandchildren, which would have ‘profound social and economic effect. I should say old people and young people really.

Don't come onto someone's else's thread with your negative drivel. It's not helpful and is just so patronising and arsey.
The ppl that make these sort of comments I'd love to know what you are doing for the environment and to reduce your carbon footprint. Other than the odd bit of recycling I bet not alot!

Worldwide2 · 17/02/2021 22:56

Sorry didn't mean to derail your thread op.
Your right best just to ignore in future.

Mary46 · 17/02/2021 23:01

My friend has 6 year gaps 3 boys. They all at different stages. Good luck. You still young. I had difficult delivery on 1st so just had 2 kids. But everyone copes differently

DesdemonaDryEyes · 17/02/2021 23:05

Crack on then OP. Have 4.

Badgerstmary · 17/02/2021 23:06

I always wanted 2 or 3 children. I went for my 3rd (& last) at 35 as I didn’t feel my family was quite complete & have no regrets. My elder 2 were 6 & 8 when I had dc3, & dd2 is very close to ds1 & ds3. Now that my elder 2 are at uni, (ds1 has gone back but dd2 who is a fresher hasn’t managed to) ds3 is enjoying being an only child for a change. He still has a few yrs with dd2 being at uni so she will be back for holidays. When ds3 was a baby & growing up, he was doted on by his siblings & places like beaches, parks, National Trust & even friends houses work for all of them at this age. If you go for it op, enjoy.

Habbyhadno · 17/02/2021 23:07

I've got three one is 7, one 3 and one 1. The 7 and 1 year olds are the best buddies and have a really close bond. The middle one doesn't really bother with the baby at all. If you want another and are happy with going back to the baby stage again then crack on.

digginthedancingqueen · 17/02/2021 23:08

I have 3. An 18 month gap then 4 years. Youngest 12 and he's like an only child now a lot of the time and that's only 4 years. It's fine but feel for him and wish he had a twin sometimes!

OwlinaTree · 17/02/2021 23:08

You are not too old op! I had my first at 36, and my second a month before 39.

I wouldn't have any more now as they are 6 and 4, and I couldn't go back to the sleepless nights and really don't want to be pregnant again. I feel like we've moved to a new chapter now, the baby chapter has finished for us. There are things I miss about having a baby, but there are more exciting things ahead than the times that have already been. I am ready for the next bit, I don't want to go back to the baby bit.

My friend was broody when her children got to this age and they decided to get a dog - seems to have helped!

Kraken212 · 17/02/2021 23:13

Just here for the two-child policy comments - like no one ever side-eyed China.

unexpectedthird · 17/02/2021 23:15

Oh and yes, having two tantrummers at either end of the spectrum (teen and toddler) is interesting but actually fairly entertaining at times too. 😂🙈

Yesterday, the eldest, who was just in a general grump and trying to find a reason for his moodiness, was storming around the house declaring we starved him because I dared to suggest he have a banana as a snack while the toddler, having recognised the word banana, was shouting 'nack!' and trying to break into the kitchen to get one for himself. Luckily they found comfort in each other and were able to compare tales of hardship and starvation.🙈

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/02/2021 23:16

I think every family is different.

My two kids are 5 years apart, which is quite a big gap in itself - too much really for them to have much in common, although they get in when we’re out somewhere, and have now started playing football together which is something.

I couldn’t imagine going back to the beginning again now the youngest is 7, which my exh is doing with his new partner. I’m also 42 and just feel too old to go back to broken nights, Velcro babies who won’t be put down etc.

I have a friend with the same 6 year gap who’s girls seem to get on really well - older twins and another little one.

BlueTimes · 17/02/2021 23:17

I had my first at 36 (and fourth at 40). If you do decide to go ahead, I would give real consideration to having a fourth as well.