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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want some help with childcare on holiday?

107 replies

UncleBunclesHouse · 17/02/2021 09:20

We are trying to book a UK break in the summer after several failed holiday attempts last year. We will have a new baby in April plus our almost 2 year old. I would really like to book a cottage slightly bigger than we need and see if either my mum or our nanny can join us, at least for part of the week, to help out. We haven’t been on holiday since 2018, the last year has really taken its toll, difficult pregnancy etc etc. I am a wreck and the thought of going away with a newborn and 2 year old isn’t the most relaxing idea, although it would be nice to just get away at all given the circumstances.

My husband says he wants us to go on our own as a family. I understand what he is saying, but fact of the matter is he isn’t especially proactive on the domestic front so if we are self catering I can see it will just be same shit, different location for me with washing, cleaning up, feeding the baby...I’d like to have a break myself, maybe be able to go out for dinner alone a couple of nights. I don’t care about paying more, getting a bigger place, or potentially sharing the holiday on balance.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Nowthereistwo · 17/02/2021 09:23

Yanbu

Not sure what you do about it though apart from explain all your points like you have here and give him 2-4 weeks to prove he can pull his weight or you're bringing in extra help.

Blanca87 · 17/02/2021 09:31

If your husband wants ‘just’ a family holiday he needs to participate fully in family life.

mdh2020 · 17/02/2021 09:32

You don’t have to cook - buy ready made meals, get takeaways. Have big lunches out and snack suppers. I never do anything other than the minimum of cleaning in a cottage. Self catering holidays with children are always hard work but more relaxed than a hotel. Maybe make it clear that he has to do his share? Why doesn’t he do that anyway?

yearinyearout · 17/02/2021 09:33

No of course you're not being unreasonable. In fact in your position I'd just refuse to go unless you can do it your way!

Looneytune253 · 17/02/2021 09:33

Yabu just tell him he has to step up or it's pointless going. It is weird to take someone to help when there's another functioning adult that wants a family holiday.

Emeraldshamrock · 17/02/2021 09:34

Yanbu compromise on 50/50 with the Nanny. Then he can split the second half of the week with you.
It'll be home from home not a holiday.

Chloemol · 17/02/2021 09:36

YANBU. However lots of people can’t do what you want to do here and manage. Set some expectations from your dh, share out duties before you go so he knows what he needs to cover, go out for meals where you can, get ready meals or takeaways if you can’t go out, he helps with the kids etc etc

Merryoldgoat · 17/02/2021 09:38

I may be in the minority but I wouldn’t go on holiday with a small baby of 3/4 months old. It’s zero fun.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 17/02/2021 09:42

I’ve been on holidays with my nanny family lots, to give the parents a holiday. Definitely NOT a holiday for me though no matter how I my boss dresses it up 😅

I charge a lot though. £100 a day on top of my normal rate and £75 per night if I am expected to listen out for the kids.

It’s not an odd thing, all my nanny friends have accompanied their families on holiday at various points.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/02/2021 10:00

He needs to do his share so you both get a break and book somewhere with catering but I’m with him and wouldn’t want to go away with a nanny or grandparent just to have childcare as holidays are about family time. Likewise we’ve never used holiday clubs for the same reason. Millions manage breaks away without help.

A holiday with a baby is not relaxing so we just awaited until they were older before we went again.

ScrapThatThen · 17/02/2021 10:04

Go to a catered place if you can afford, or your plan. Does he understand why you want this? Do you understand why he doesn't want someone else there?

Gatehouse77 · 17/02/2021 10:06

I’d be pushing DH to ask what will be different for you to make it a holiday.
Who’ll be responsible for the thinking and actions for...

  1. Food shopping, menu planning
  2. Cooking and clearing up
  3. What to do each day
  4. Getting up with/putting to bed the children
  5. Packing up and leaving the accommodation as you found it

Plus any others that haven’t occurred to me.

It can be very easy for the working parent to see not being at work as a holiday but self catering for the SAHP is a busman’s holiday unless you think ahead and set expectations.

What does he think is a holiday for you in those circumstances?

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 17/02/2021 10:09

You'd invite your mother on holiday so she can cook and clean? What?

JemimaTiggywinkle · 17/02/2021 10:09

I’m curious as to why your DH being useless is only an issue on holiday, not the rest of the time?

Palavah · 17/02/2021 10:13

I understand what he is saying, but fact of the matter is he isn’t especially proactive on the domestic front so if we are self catering I can see it will just be same shit, different location for me with washing, cleaning up, feeding the baby...I’d like to have a break myself, maybe be able to go out for dinner alone a couple of nights. I don’t care about paying more, getting a bigger place, or potentially sharing the holiday on balance.

When you said this what did he say?

MyGoMargot · 17/02/2021 10:14

Self catering uk holiday with v young dc...

A ball-ache, IME

As someone else said already, it’s the thinking-effort of it all. What are we going to eat. We need to go to the supermarket (again). We need to pack a lunch. Snacks. Oh we need to do some laundry. Packing clothes for every weather eventuality.

All a PITA... that said, have also had wonderful times away in the UK. The best, in fact. But all rather weather and luck related!

AnneElliott · 17/02/2021 10:18

I get you op. I haven't forgiven H for deciding that we didn't need any help (and wouldn't agree to me leaving DS with my mum) with an 18 month old at a wedding. He though 'we' would manage. Of course since he was the best man he didn't actually do a lot.....

Never again.

Symbion · 17/02/2021 10:21

YANBU but think carefully about whether taking your mother would actually give you a better time!

Our experience was GPs said "oh you must let us get up with DC" etc but in practice we still changed every nappy and got up with them every morning. Plus we had all the extra pressure of not being by ourselves. I don't think my parents found it much fun either.

Sirzy · 17/02/2021 10:21

I would certainly tell him he needs to pull his weight and make sure plans are in place before you go how that will work.

Taking someone else does change the dynamic so I get why he isn’t keen on that

happytoday73 · 17/02/2021 10:22

I'd agree on the condition it needs to be a break for you... Therefore list out what he needs to do prior:
You will do online shop delivery
He will cook evening meal ever other day (his choice/food organisation). You will do other day. Person that doesn't cook cleans up.
He will do all breakfasts and clear up afterwards
You will sort lunches
He will do big clean and pack to go home
You will pack to go..
He will arrange what doing for 3 days.
He will take eldest out for 2 hours each day to give you time with youngest...

Honestly it's a terrible idea...holidays with young ones are often childcare in a new location but this could be terrible

MiniTheMinx · 17/02/2021 10:27

Not much of a holiday for your mother. I would never have considered dragging my mother on holiday to look after my DC, and she would never have agreed to it. She did her bit as a SAHM to me. I did my bit looking after my own. Once I'd had them I wanted to spend my holiday with them. I agree with your DH. I had a break from them going to work, or when they went to nursery school.

I think my opinion though ultimately depends on whether you work and what your division of labour is like ordinarily. Maybe your DH needs to be prepared to get stuck in doing the cooking and childcare on holiday on an equal basis.

Wnikat · 17/02/2021 10:34

Do not go self catering with young children. All inclusive. Only way it's actually a holiday.

WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself · 17/02/2021 10:35

Will bicycles or running be involved in this holiday?

I have visions of lots of lovely hills for him to climb, with beautiful views, while you do the same drudgery but without the convenience of home and familiar equipment and aids.

You have to break down to him why this prospect is not exciting you, and what it will take for you to want to go.

If you persist with self catering, he needs to give you a holiday from the shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry. If he’s happy to do that would it be more appealing?

Diverseopinions · 17/02/2021 10:42

Maybe see if there is a local nanny agency who can find you a helper for eight hours a day, so your partner gets the evening and overnight to chill, behave as he wants, not share a bathroom with someone he doesn't usually share with.

It might be inhibiting for him, but I totally agree with you, especially as holiday homes have hidden hazards for the older child - things you wouldn't necessarily know or think about, but the place won't be child-proofed in the way your home is, and you will have to be extra vigilant.

SlayDuggee · 17/02/2021 10:45

I’ve got a 9 month and a 3 year old and there is is no way I would agree to go on a self catering holiday in a cottage as it would just be same shit in a different location with no break from me. Even worse is that DH goes into ‘holiday mode’ which means that because he is on holiday he expects to do nothing (not realising that me running round with two kids all day is not a holiday for me)

So far he has suggested camping to which my response was of course he can take the kids camping but I’m not going! There is no way I’m sleeping somewhere uncomfortable and having minimal sleep, whilst trying to cook 3 meals a day, tidy up, get everyone dressed, supervise 2 kids, entertain kids and plan and do activities!

If we go on holiday this year it will be somewhere catered (I’m not cooking) with housekeeping (I’m not cleaning) and ideally a kids club (as I would like a lie in or to be able to read a book for a couple of mornings)